It Took Nothing Away From You

"Oh, so that's what it is. He's got twice the size cock as me. That's what you see in him?"

"Kurt, we need to talk!"

"We are talking, Bridgit." I said, dripping with sarcasm.

"No, we need to talk face to face. You need to come back home. Where are you anyway?"

"Somewhere where I can think about my life and the direction I want to take it in. Somewhere I don't have to look at my cheating wife."

She was getting angry now, "Kurt, you come home right this instant!!"

"Bridgit, I'm not one of the kids. You can't talk to me like that! Goodbye!!" I said loudly and hung up the phone. I shut my phone off. "Let it go to voicemail. Let her yell at that!"

I know I was being difficult, but she didn't say she was sorry, not even once. That should have been the first words out of her mouth. She wasn't apologetic at all, in fact she was just the opposite. She was on the warpath.

I drove to a motel that rented by the week and got a room. I would decide later what my living arrangements were going to be. As I lay there on the bed I started thinking, again. I wondered what she had told her parents. Her parents had always treated me well. They seemed to really like me. I would need to call them and give them my side of the story.

I picked up my phone and turned it back on. There was no reason to listen to the voicemails or look at my texts. I knew what would be there, more of the same. I wondered if she would ever say she was sorry, or would it be a half-hearted afterthought.

I dialed her parent's number and her mom answered. "Helen, this is Kurt."

"Oh Kurt, thank you for calling. We were so worried about you." She said. I felt more love from her right now than I did from her daughter.

"Thanks, I'm okay. So what did she tell you?" I asked.

"She said you had a huge misunderstanding and stormed out before she could explain. She was sure that once you two talked everything could be worked out."

Misunderstanding?? That's an understatement. I thought. "So, she didn't give you any details?" I asked.

"No, she just said you were blowing everything out of proportion."

"Well then, let me tell you some details and I'll let you decide if I'm 'blowing everything out of proportion'."

"Okay Kurt. If it will help you to get it off your chest, I'm listening."

"It seems that Bridgit, my wife and your daughter, has been having an affair."

"Oh Kurt, I can't believe that."

"Well, I was emailed pictures of her, one of her in a very passionate kiss standing outside of a hotel room door."

"There has to be a logical explanation, Kurt. I can't believe she would do that."

"I couldn't believe it either so I called the hotel and asked for her room and they told me that she didn't have a room. I know that that is the hotel that her company uses for all of their out-of-town guests, because it is right down the street from the corporate offices."

"Well maybe there was a mix-up." Her mom said.

"That doesn't explain why she was arm in arm, kissing this Gary Jones."

When I said his name, I heard her gasp.

"What do you know?" I asked.

"Oh Kurt, are you sure it was him?"

"Well, the email I got was addressed to me and an Elizabeth Jones, and the room was registered to Gary Jones. The email said that they were having an affair."

"Oh Kurt, I'm so sorry."
"Well at least someone is." I said. "So, who is Gary Jones? How does she know him, he lives in Denver?"

"Kurt, Gary was Bridgit's first love. They were high school sweethearts. We thought for sure that they would get married. Bridgit went to U of T and Gary went to the University of Colorado, he had received a scholarship and wanted to get out of Tennessee. They stayed together for the whole first school year, calling each other all the time, but during the summer they decided that the long-distance romance was too hard. Bridgit took it hard, but I think that she grew to be a more independent woman because of it."

"So, she's still in love with him, and I was her second choice." I said.

No Kurt. I know she loves you. When she met you, and we would talk, you were all she would talk about. Even with the sometimes trying times in a marriage she has always spoken very lovingly of you. I know she loves you and the kids. Please talk to her, find out what's going on."

I had to admit that talking to Bridgit's mom not only gave me new insight, but also made me feel better, if only because I had a chance to talk about it with someone. "Thank You Mom, I really appreciate talking with you. I don't know what will happen, but I hope that no matter what happens we can continue to have a good relationship."

"Ok Kurt, I have faith that you two will work it out. Don't give up on your marriage. I believe you would regret it if you did."

"Thanks Mom. I'll give it a lot of thought." I hung up the phone. She really had me thinking, wondering if it was something I should fight for. Obviously she still cared for this Gary Jones. The question in my mind was, "where do I rate?" He was her first love, would they be looking to renew a serious relationship? Where would that put me and our kids? I needed to find out what her feelings were for this Gary Jones, and for our marriage.

I texted Bridgit. "I'll stop by the house tomorrow night around 6:00." Was all I wrote.

She texted me right back. "Okay, I love you."

If she loved me then why did she do what she had done? I hoped tomorrow would clear up some of the questions I had.

Saturday night I rang the doorbell at 6:00 sharp. JJ opened the door and looked at me, puzzled. "Why did you ring the bell Dad?"

I didn't know what to say to him. I had done it to make a point to Bridgit that I didn't feel a part of the family anymore. As I stood there, looking at my son, I knew that was a mistake. I would always be a part of the family, divorced or not. Then JJ said, "Dad, I don't know what happened, but no matter what, you are my Dad."

My child was too wise for his age. I think he probably had some idea, even at 12 years old.

Just then Bridgit came around the corner from the kitchen. "Kurt, honey, take off your coat. Dinner is almost ready." She had made dinner and was acting like nothing was wrong, just another day, no big problems that we had to deal with. It comforted me, but kind of pissed me off too.

During dinner I paid attention to my kids. They seemed happy that I was home, but didn't seem upset about my being gone. I guess it had been only 2 days, it felt longer to me. Throughout dinner JJ was watching me. He could see the tension in my face, and the fact that I wasn't paying any attention to his mom.

After dinner we played a few games as a family. I still didn't interact with Bridgit much.

At bedtime I tucked the kids into their beds, even JJ. He said to me, "Dad, you always say that problems need to be talked through. Take your own advice."

My son had just challenged me. Put me on the "hot seat" as it were. "I will, son."

"Are you going to be here in the morning?"

"We'll see. I hope so." I said, I did hope we could find a way to get past this. I just didn't know how.

I walked downstairs and into the living room. Bridgit was sitting on the couch. I took the chair across from her. We just stared at each other for a minute. Then she spoke up. "So, are you going to stop acting like a child and actually talk to me?"

So, the first words out of her mouth aren't "I'm sorry" or "I love you." Rather, she has to insult me. That got my blood boiling.

"So, how long have you and Gary been fucking?" I asked. Might as well get that out of the way first.

"Kurt, it's not like that." She said.

"So ... you're going to deny that you've been screwing your ex-boyfriend?"

She looked down at her hands and then back up at me. "It's not like that." She said again.

"Bridgit, you've always been an extremely honest person. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me ... Yes or No ... when I ask you again. Have you been having sex with Gary Jones?"

"Kurt, you need to let me explain." She was deflecting, trying to avoid the subject. I looked at her and she just stared back at me. I saw no guilt, no shame or remorse on her face. That said it all.

I stood up. She looked up at me. I turned and walked toward the front door.

"So, you're going to run away again. Why can't you stay and we can discuss this rationally."

"Because right now I just want to smack that look right off your face. If I don't leave now, I'm afraid I just might hit you, and I don't hit women! Not yet at least!"

I grabbed my coat, opened the door, and walked out to my truck. She had just shown me that my feelings weren't important to her. Again, it kept coming back to me that she still hadn't said she was sorry.

I got in my truck and pulled out of my driveway. I looked up at the house and noticed JJ looking out his window at me. I drove away, crying for my failed marriage and for my children.

Monday, I called an attorney to make an appointment. She was available at 4, so I spoke with Jim, the owner, and scooted out a little early.

The attorney met with me and I explained the whole situation. She asked me if I felt we could work it out. "I don't think so. She has yet to say that she is sorry, and the look on her face Saturday night showed no remorse."

"Okay," She said. "I'll start the paperwork. I should be able to have it ready to serve on Friday. Where should I have her served?"

That could be a problem. She worked out of our house, but was out meeting clients throughout the Central Tennessee area most days. How could I make sure she was home to be served? I explained the situation to Janice and she suggested right after the kids got on the school bus. That would work, she never left the home until they were gone.

"Now, Mr. Jenson, you know that if you go through with the divorce your wife will probably get primary custody of the kids and would be allowed to continue to live in the home. You will probably be responsible for the mortgage and child support. As well as health insurance for the children. With her job, though, you will not likely have to pay any spousal support."

What a kick in the teeth. The cheater gets off scott-free, and I have to pay for it.

Then she said to me, "Knowing all of that, do you still want to have her served?"

I looked at her, thought a minute, and said, "It may turn out that we don't get a divorce, but I need her to understand the seriousness of the situation."

"May I make a suggestion?" She asked.

"Sure, you're the expert."

"After the initial shock of being served she may be willing to go to counseling. There you can both speak your minds with a moderator there to keep it civil."

"Okay." I said.

"When she gets served, she will probably call you immediately. Make sure you are available to take the call. If she seems at all conciliatory, and asks how you can avoid divorce, then tell her that maybe counseling would help. If she agrees, let her pick the counselor, that way she will see that you are willing to follow her lead on this."

"Okay." I said again. I probably sounded like an idiot.

"Kurt, be open to what the counselor says. If I read you right you would rather stay married than get a divorce, you just need to see some remorse and get your self-respect back. Having your wife acknowledge your pain and say she's sorry will go a long way to making that happen."

I thanked her and walked out of her office with trepidation. I was afraid of what the week would bring.

Friday, I cleared my schedule so that if Bridgit called I would be available and if she wanted to talk on the phone for a while, I would also be available. At 8:15 I got the call from Bridgit.

"Kurt," She sniffled, I could tell she had been crying. "I love you, I don't want a divorce. We promised, 'until death do us part.' Don't throw everything away, think of the kids."

"I will not stay married to you and have you sleeping with your ex-boyfriend." I said directly, but not forcefully.

"Kurt, I'm sorry I hurt you."

Wow, she had actually said she was sorry, but it was for hurting me, not for doing what she had done, at least that is what I had heard her say.

"Please Kurt, I love you. Please don't do this." She was full out crying now.

"Bridgit, you have hurt me, probably more than you know. I just can't see any way past this."

"Oh Kurt, please. Can't we talk about this, try to work it out?" She sobbed.

"Not if you're going to continue to belittle me." I said. Yes, I had to take a jab at her.

"I'm sorry Kurt, I was just frustrated that you wouldn't listen and try to understand."

"Perhaps we can go to a counselor. They may be able to help us both understand." I suggested.

She perked up and said, "Would you?"

"Yes, but you pick the counselor. You know my schedule, work it out and let me know where and when."

"I'll make a call right now, Kurt. Thank You. I truly do love you."

"I love you too, honey."

So ... here we were, either on the brink of reconciliation or collapse. I truly didn't know which way it would go.

What was I willing to accept? What was I willing to do? What about my kids, if they were my kids. I hated even thinking that way, but when someone betrays your trust you start to question everything.

I couldn't understand it. If you asked me, even now, if I thought Bridgit loved me I'd have to say yes. She was everything one could hope to have in a wife. She expressed her love for me in so many ways. If she didn't love me then she was the best damn actress in the world and I was the biggest oblivious idiot. That is one of the reasons her betrayal hurt me so badly, I couldn't believe it.

Then I thought about the kids. What kind of affect would this have on them? I knew that kids of divorce have problems, but so do kids of parents that stay married. I would have to do my best, if it came to that, to show them love and let them know that none of this is because of them.

A few hours later I got a call from Bridgit. She had found a counselor that she liked that could see us at 7:30 on Wednesday. She gave me the name and address. "Okay, I'll be there."

"Kurt, now that we have this appointment won't you come back home so we can do some preliminary talks? We need to talk about it. I need to explain."

"I think it is best that we wait until at least Wednesday before I come back home."

"But Kurt, the kids are asking where you're at. They need you, and I need you."

"Goodbye Bridgit." I said and hung up.

The kids. She had to throw them in there. That made me feel guilty. I wondered if I didn't go home soon would it have a lasting affect?

I had to stand firm though. I knew that if I gave in to her now then I would lose all my self-respect. The appointment is Wednesday. What did I expect? I knew the counselor wouldn't have a magic pill to solve all our problems. Ultimately what did I want from the counseling?

#1. I wanted to know why?

#2. How long has this been going on?

#3. Does she still love him?

#4. Does she still love me?

#5. Did she ever really love me?

#6. Does she want to end up back with him?

#7. The big one in my eyes. How do I ever trust her again?

Seven things. I'm sure I would come up with more along the way, but these 7 had to be answered to my satisfaction or there was no hope for our marriage.

That night I lay there in the motel bed. My mind kept reviewing our life together. I couldn't understand it. There was nothing that I saw that could explain it. I didn't get much sleep that weekend.

Monday morning Jim came by my office and asked if he could take me out to lunch. "Of course." I said.

"Alright, I'll drop by about 11:45 and we'll go to the Southern Tre' Steakhouse."

"Sounds good." I replied. My home problems were obviously affecting my work. Jim just didn't take me out to lunch for no reason.

At the restaurant we sat down and after we ordered Jim said, "Spill it."

I looked at him.

"Don't give me that look. We've been working together for 15 years. What's going on?"

I looked down at the table and mumbled, "She's cheating on me."

"What? I can't believe it. Are you sure?"

"I have photographic evidence, not graphic, but it is obvious that there is more than just kissing going on."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I still can't believe it. You two seem so much in love every time I see you together."

"That's what's killing me. I never saw anything, no signs, no comments, nothing. If you would have told me 2 weeks ago that she was cheating on me I would have laughed at you and called you crazy. I just don't understand it."

"What did she say?" He asked.

"Not much, but I didn't give her much time to say anything. I'll tell you what she didn't say. She didn't say she was sorry for what she had done. Not once."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I filed for divorce and had her served. I needed her to see the seriousness of the situation. My divorce lawyer suggested counseling, so we're going to see one on Wednesday night."

"That's probably sound advice. Try to find out as much as you can. Maybe you can work it out."

"Yeah, maybe." I said unenthusiastically.

"Can I give you some words of wisdom from my own life?" He asked.

"Sure."

"As you know I divorced my first wife about 10 years ago. She cheated on me also, but to tell you the truth, it wasn't all her fault. I was so focused on my company that I didn't make time for her. I put her second in my life. Your spouse doesn't want to be second in your life. I learned that a bit too late. She tried to hint to me, and even told me outright that I needed to focus more on our relationship, but I didn't. So, she found the attention she needed from another man. If I had it all to do over again, I would definitely take the time.

Even now, if she were to come back to me and ask for a do over I would give it my damnedest. That isn't going to happen though, she remarried and as far as I can tell he makes her happy.

My second wife was a mistake. I kept wanting her to be like my first wife, and she couldn't meet my expectations.

So, here I am, pushing 50, going home to an empty house because I keep looking for someone just like my first wife, and never find her."

I thought about what he said and then said, "Thanks."

"Don't give up on your marriage just to turn around and try to find someone just like your wife." He said as he stared off into space.

It was the old adage, only with a personal perspective. "Would you be better off with her or without her." I didn't want to admit it, but I knew the answer.

That night I called JJ.

"Hey Dad, when you coming home?" were his first words.

"I don't know, JJ. I'm meeting with your mom tomorrow night."

"Yeah, she told me that she would be gone for a while and asked me to watch the kids. Of course I said yes."

"You're a great son, JJ. I love you."

"I love you too Dad."

"Can you put Jeremy and Jennifer on the phone?"

"Sure, let me go get them."

When Jeremy came to the phone he asked, "Hey Dad, when are you getting back from your conference? JJ told me that you were at a conference but didn't know for how long. What's a conference Dad?"

So, my oldest son was covering for us. He knew we were having problems, but didn't want to upset his siblings. Again, that boy was smart for his age.

"I'm not sure either, but I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out." I told him. That seemed to appease him. We chatted some more and I told him I loved him. Then his sister had to talk to me.

"Hey Jennifer, how are you, sweetie?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm fine." She said. Then she started telling me all about her day at school. Oh, the innocence of a little child, oblivious to the troubles around her. It was refreshing. I could have listened to her all night long.

Then I heard her mom come into the room and ask her who she was talking to. "Daddy." Was her response.