It Took Nothing Away From You

"Okay, but tonight is bath night, so you'll have to tell Daddy bye and come with me."

"Okay, Bye Daddy. I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart."

JJ came back on the phone. "Dad, we all miss you. I hope you'll come home soon."

"Thanks son, I love and miss all of you too. I'll be back soon, don't worry."

I knew, or rather hoped I would be. We just had to figure out a solution to this problem and then set some ground rules.

As I hung up I got a text. It was Bridgit. "You could have called me. I would have let you talk to them."

All I said in return was, "Okay."

Wednesday night I walked into the counselor's office at about 7:15. It was pleasant looking. I hoped that this meeting would be productive. I had to admit to myself that I really wanted to go back home.

I waited in the lobby, having a seat on the loveseat. A couple minutes later Bridgit walked in. She smiled at me. I loved that smile, it had always made my day when she did that.

She took a seat in the chair. I wasn't sure if she was trying not to make me uncomfortable by not sitting next to me on the loveseat, or if she felt the distance between us.

A few minutes later the counselor came out of her office. I'm sure she noted how we had chosen to sit.

Her name was Dr. Mary Swift. She was about our age, maybe a little older. She was pleasant. She asked us to take a seat on the couch. We both sat down, about a foot and a half between us.

"Kurt, I wanted to be upfront with you and tell you that I have already had a session with Bridgit on Monday. She has told me a little bit about the situation. What I'd like to tell you first is that my goal is to save your marriage. What I'd like from you is your willingness to cooperate." I nodded my head. "Okay then. What do you want to get out of these sessions?"

Figuring that Bridgit had already put her spin on it I came right out and said, somewhat hostilely, "I would like to know is why my wife of 15 years has been cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend?" At this point I pulled out the picture from the email.

"Okay, well I think we can get some answers to that. Is there anything else?"

"Yes, I have a list, but the biggest one is if we stay married, how could I ever trust her again." When I emphasized if I could see Bridgit stiffen.

"I see. Well, we can work on that too." The counselor said. "In talking to your wife, I have to say that two things about her personality stand out. The first is being honest, she doesn't lie. That will be very helpful in these sessions, plus it will help you to trust her again." I nodded my head. "The second is that promises mean a lot to her. This could also be helpful to reconciliation, but it may also be a stumbling block."

I nodded my head again.

"Bridgit, you seemed frustrated that Kurt wouldn't let you explain. Kurt, would you be willing to sit quietly and let her explain?"

"Sure." I said abruptly.

"Okay Bridgit, go ahead."

"First, I want to say I love you, Kurt. If you asked yourself that you would have to answer honestly that you know I do. Next, I want to say that I'm sorry that I hurt you."

I was about to interrupt her and ask if she was sorry she did what she did, but the counselor saw me about to speak and said, "Kurt, please give her this time."

I breathed a heavy sigh and nodded.

Bridgit continued. "Kurt, the man in the picture, as you know, was my high school sweetheart. We were in love. We tried to make a long-distance relationship work during college, but by the end of the first year we both knew that it wouldn't last. So we broke it off before we went back to college for our sophomore year. I think we were both heartbroken."

The doctor cut in and asked, "That was close to 20 years ago. What happened to lead us to this point?"

Bridgit continued, "Gary couldn't make it to our 15 year high school reunion, but he got a class registry showing my married name. He looked me up on Facebook and we reconnected."

"Facebook, I've seen more marriages destroyed because of that accursed website. People can't see the real person, only the persona they want to display, or the memories that people had from their past. The romantic reunions rarely last though, leaving the debris of heartache in their wake." The counselor said. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to get up on my soapbox. Please continue, Bridgit."

"Well, three years ago the company I work for was planning an expansion into the West. Gary had been unhappy at his previous job so I told him about the Area Rep positions that would be opening up. He applied and has been working there ever since."

"So, he's in Denver and you're here. How did this come about?" She said as she pointed to the picture I had pulled out.

Bridgit's shoulders slumped. "Once every Quarter all the Area Reps have to go to a 3 day meeting at the Corporate Headquarters in Chicago. That is where we started meeting, and reconnecting."

The Doctor had been watching me as Bridgit talked. She noticed my physical response when Bridgit said they reconnected. I was crestfallen.

"I'd like to give Kurt a chance to ask you one question at this time. Go ahead Kurt."

"So, this has been going on for 3 years?" I asked.

"Kurt, you know I won't lie to you. Believe me when I say no, we both remained professional for the first year. We were reconnecting as friends. Then 2 years ago we started holding hands when we went out to dinner and then there were kisses, finally we spent the night together."

I slumped in the couch. Bridgit had noticed my change in posture and then said, "But Kurt, I love you. You are my husband, we will be together forever."

"So, how could you do that?!" I barked out. "Every 3 months you're going off to get some strange for 3 days, then come back to your poor, clueless husband."

"It's not like that." She insisted.

"You keep saying that. Are you trying to tell me that he hasn't been fucking you every 3 months for the last 2 years?!"

"No, he hasn't been 'fucking' me. We have been sharing tender moments with each other."

"That's worse!! Do you love him?"

"Kurt, he was my first love. We had a special connection. We had promised each other that we would always be there for each other, whenever possible."

"So, being there for each other means letting him screw you whenever you're together. Is that it?"

"Kurt, it took nothing from you. Did you not feel loved before I went to my meetings? Did we not make love like we always did? When I returned did you not feel loved? Did we not make love those nights like we always did? How did that take anything away from you? Kurt, you know I love you. I'm there for you and the kids whenever you need me. You have to admit that! Have you ever felt that I didn't love you? That I didn't honor you? That I didn't cherish you?

It was a promise I made to you on our wedding day. 'To love, honor, and cherish, till death do us part.' I have never regretted loving you, marrying you, having kids with you, sharing my life with you. Search your heart, you know what I'm saying is true.

My time while I was away, once a quarter, took absolutely nothing away from you. I have never not given you my all."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. Was she justifying her cheating because I wasn't there? Therefore, it was taking nothing from me?

And what about our wedding vows. What about 'forsake all others'?

I asked, "Bridgit, you talk about our wedding vows. What about forsake all others? What about that promise to me in front of all our friends and family?"

"Kurt, I know this will hurt you, but those words were never in our vows. Go watch the DVD. I did, 2 years ago, when I was struggling with my conflicting promises and emotions. The minister never put those words in, and NO I didn't ask him not to, so don't blame that on me."

"So, because the minister missed it when he was saying the vows, that justifies you committing adultery?!"

"It allowed me to fulfill my promise to Gary that I had made before I ever met you."

That's when the counselor stepped in. "Kurt, Bridgit, we are almost done with our time for this session. I think, before anything is said that you may regret later, we should end here. I do have some homework for you both though. I want you both to write down what you feel are aspects of a good relationship. I want you to bring them with you next week. Don't confer with one another about them. I want you each to see what the other thinks is important in any relationship."

We walked out, neither one of us saying a word to the other. Needless to say I didn't move back home that week. I did call the kids every night though. I called them on Bridgit's phone, there was no reason to make it worse than it already was by intentionally slighting her. When I spoke with her I was cordial, but I didn't spend too much time talking to her before I asked to speak to the kids.

When the next Wednesday rolled around we were back in the counselor's office, waiting for our appointment.

I had spent a lot of time on my list. I tried to be concise so I put it in a bullet point format so it all fit on one page.

Bridgit had a notebook with at least 10 pages filled up. This might be a long meeting.

When Mary, the counselor, came out to get us we stood and I let her go in first. As we sat down, this time at opposite ends of the couch, Mary said, "Alright, so this week I don't want to discuss the past at all. I want to discuss our thoughts. I trust each of you brought your thoughts on what makes a good relationship." We both nodded our heads. "Who would like to go first?"

"Well Kurt seems to have the shorter list, so let's get his done first." Bridgit said in a tone that I had rarely heard her use.

Mary counseled her, "Bridgit, Kurt's list, if I'm reading Kurt correctly is probably a list of single words that he may have to expound on. Just because your list is probably written out in sentence form does not make his list any less important."

Wow, she schooled her. Bridgit was taken aback a bit, but nodded to Mary anyway.

"Kurt, why don't you get us started, and if you'll allow, I'd like to be able to ask questions so we can understand what it is you're trying to convey."

"Sure." I said unfolding my sheet of paper, I started down the list.

"Love" I said.

"I don't mean to stop you already, Kurt, but last week Bridgit asked a question that I think relates to this. Can I ask it again now?"

"Sure."

"She asked, 'Have you ever felt that I didn't love you, honor you, or cherish you?' Could you answer that now?"

I hesitated. "Uh ... Well, up until three weeks ago I would say never. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved me. Now I have my doubts."

Bridgit was going to say something, but Mary cut her off by saying, "Okay, thank you for being honest. Hopefully with this counseling we'll be able to alleviate those doubts."

"Next is Respect."

"What do you mean by that?" Mary asked.

"Not cutting each other down, especially in front of other people or the kids. Understanding that I work hard to provide for our family." I looked over at Bridgit and said, "As does she."

"Okay, I can see where that could be important. If a person didn't respect their mate then there would probably be bruised egos or damaged psyche. Do you think she respects you?"

"Yes, she has always shown respect, except for the other day when she talked to me like I was one of the kids, demanding me to come home, 'this instant.'"

I looked at Bridgit, she was a little red in the face. I wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or anger.

"So, throughout the over 15 years you've been together she has almost always shown you respect?"

"Yes she has. In fact, that is one of the things I am most proud of. I've seen other wives cut their husbands down in public, it pissed me off and made me feel sorry for them."

Bridgit smiled when I said I was proud of her.

"Okay go on."

"Commitment"

Mary nodded but didn't say anything.

"Patience"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Being willing to be patient when I don't do things either the way she would like them done, or in her time frame."

"Okay"

"Forgiveness"

"That's a big one. Marriages that I see hinge on that one. Here's my question for you. Are you willing to think about trying to forgive Bridgit? I know you may not be ready to forgive her now, but are you willing to think about it?"

I sat there in silence for a minute. Bridgit was getting antsy. When I put that on my list I knew that I would have to forgive her if we were going to survive this. I had thought long and hard about it. Now that the counselor was asking me, point blank, if I felt I could try to forgive her, I was hesitant to answer.

The thing about forgiveness is that if you do forgive someone you have to be willing to open yourself up to being hurt again. Was I willing to do that?

"I can try." I stated.

"That's all we can ask." She said. "Go on."

"Honesty"

"Tell me, do you consider your wife to be an honest person?"

I looked at Bridgit. She was looking directly at me, wanting to know if I believed her, wanting to know if I knew that everything she has said, - about her loving me, about not wanting a divorce, about doing everything for me -- that it was all true.

"Yes, she is honest. I've never known her to tell a lie. Even when I confronted her, she didn't try to lie her way out of it. You heard her last week, in fact, sometimes she's brutally honest."

Mary nodded her head, "What's next?"

"Trust"

"We're going to come back to that one in future sessions. That one will take a long time and effort. I'm letting both of you know now, this is the big one. It may take months to get back the trust, or it may take years if you don't forgive her first."

I nodded and could see out of the corner of my eye that Bridgit's head was down.

"Okay, what's next?"

"Good communication"

"Do you guys talk?"

"To be honest, I think that is one of our strongest points. We've always been able to talk about anything. That is also why it hurts so much. She didn't talk to me about what she was thinking, about the dilemma she was having."

I looked at Bridgit again, her head was still down.

"Okay, we'll touch on that one later also. What's next?"

"Selflessness"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Being willing to do things for your spouse, even if it is not something you necessarily want to do, but it is important to her."

Mary nodded again, "Okay, what's next."

"Just one more on my list." I said. "Physical Intimacy"

"Okay, so where were you two at with that, before all of this?"

"I have no problem with that. She is always willing. I know so many other men who say their wives are stingy with it, only giving it up when they want something from the guy. It's been over 15 years and it still feels like the honeymoon has never ended."

Again, I looked at Bridgit. She was red from embarrassment, but her smile couldn't be any bigger. God, I love that smile.

Mary looked at us, then she said, "Kurt, Bridgit, our hour is almost up, but we are making such good progress tonight, would you be able to stay for another session?"

Bridgit grabbed her phone and said, "Let me call home and let our son know we'll be about an hour later."

She made the call and then Mary said, "Okay Bridgit, it's your turn, what have you got?"

"First of all, let me say that I appreciate the list you made Kurt. I'm sorry if I belittled you before about its length. I hope you'll hear my list and know that I truly do love you and you're already fulfilling many of these."

That made me feel good. I was eager to hear what she had to say.

"First thing is something that you already do a great job at, - saying and showing me that you love me. I've known you loved me, even before you said it for the first time so many years ago."

Mary nodded and smiled.

"The second is -- understanding and forgiveness. I know that is something that we, with Mary's help, will work on. I hope you will try to forgive me."

Mary spoke up and said something at that. "Bridgit, at the risk of destroying the progress we've made tonight I need to ask you a question."

"What is it?" Bridgit said pensively.

"I know this is only our second time all together, but there is a big elephant in the room and we need to address it right now while you're talking on that subject."

"Okay ... " Bridgit said apprehensively.

"Understand that my objective throughout the whole process is to try to save your marriage. With that in mind, I heard you say you want understanding and forgiveness, but I have yet to hear you ask for it. Bridgit, are you sorry for what you've done?"

Bridgit bowed her head. "I knew that you were going to ask that question at some point. I've been struggling with the answer." She looked up at me, our eyes met, and I could see tears there. "I'm sorry that what I did has hurt my husband and our relationship, but I'm not sorry for what I did. I was fulfilling a promise to someone that means a lot to me. I was helping him in a way that I knew how. I was filling a need that he had. He told me that he and his wife were experiencing intimacy problems and he needed to feel the touch of a woman. I know that it hurts to hear it, but I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I hope you can forgive me for hurting you while I helped someone else."

At that I got up. She wasn't sorry she did it. She would still be doing it if I hadn't been sent that email. Hell, she might still do it anyway to fulfill her promise to help him in a way she knew how. That was a deal breaker for me. I need a promise from her that it will never happen again!

I looked over at the counselor, she could see that I was on the verge of blowing up, so she said, "Let's stop there. The feelings are too raw to continue." I think she was surprised at what my wife said.

"That sounds good to me!" I said harshly.

"Bridgit, would you be willing to stay a bit longer, so we can discuss this one on one?"

"Yes" she said as she started crying.

"Kurt, could I see you in a one on one session sometime before next Wednesday?"

"Sure, I'll call you to make an appointment!" I said as I walked out the door.

Well, I wouldn't be moving back home this week either. I was starting to doubt that I ever would.

The next day at work everyone pretty much stayed out of my way. I hated bringing my problems to work, but I couldn't get what she had said out of my head.

That night, sitting on the motel bed, I opened my laptop. I logged into Facebook. Elizabeth Jones had accepted my friend request. I sent her a private message asking her to call me, giving her my phone number. I didn't know how often she checked her Facebook, or if she had notifications on her phone, so I would wait until she called.

Within minutes I got a text reply. She was just sitting down to dinner, but would call after dinner. Oh yeah, she's two hours behind us, I thought. Okay, I would wait.

About an hour and a half later I got a call.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hi, this is Liz, you asked me to call?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you, maybe fill in some gaps that I have and hopefully fill in some gaps you may have."

"Okay." She said hesitantly.

"I don't know how much you know, so I'll just let you know what I know."

I went through everything I knew and that Bridgit had said Gary needed her because of intimacy problems that they were having in the bedroom.

"Problems in the bedroom?! The only problem we have is that all he ever wants is a Wham-bam-thank you- ma'am, and he hardly ever wants that! Not enough for me at least. We do it maybe once every 2 weeks because he is either 'too tired' or 'not in the mood.'" I was beginning to wonder if he had a medical condition. Then I got those pictures. I was furious!!