It Took Nothing Away From You

I told him he was going to have to quit that job, ASAP, if he has any hope of saving our marriage. In light of what you just told me I still might divorce his ass. He's lucky I didn't throw his ass out of the house when I got that email."

She was a spitfire.

So, Gary had been lying to my wife. If they were as close as what Bridgit's mom described he would know of her need to always fulfill her promises. He took advantage of that. Somehow, I needed to let Bridgit know the truth about her ex-boyfriend.

"Liz, could I ask a favor of you?"

"What is it, then I'll let you know."

"Bridgit and I are going through counseling. I don't know right now if there is any hope for us, but when I decide that it might be possible, could I get you to call me when we are at the counselor's office. I want Bridgit to hear from your own mouth what you just told me. It may be enough to make her see the light when it comes to their relationship."

"Sure, I can do that. When do you have counseling?"

"Wednesday nights, unfortunately dinner time for you."

"I'll order pizza and have it delivered that night. That way I won't have to worry about fixing anything."

"I really appreciate it. It may be a couple weeks yet. We have some big hurdles to get over before I feel we're on the road to recovery."

"Well, I'll wait for your call, or let me know through Facebook."

We hung up and I thought about what I had just learned. This was going to destroy Bridgit's relationship with her ex-boyfriend, but it would go a long way to saving ours.

Saving our marriage however, hinged on her willingness to see that what she had done had destroyed my faith in our relationship. If a promise made to someone 20 years ago held more importance than our marriage then I would rather take my chances with a new wife. One that may not be as 'ideal' as she is, but one that I could trust. Someone that wouldn't have the mindset that "It didn't take anything away from you when I was with him."

The phone call gave me hope though. Finally, a way out of this mess. Would hearing what Liz had said be the "Come to Jesus" moment for Bridgit. Would she finally see the light?

I was thinking about what I had wanted to learn by going to the counseling sessions. Already, only two weeks in I had almost everything I wanted. 1. Why? Because her ex was a scumbag and used her good nature against her. 2. How long? 2 years, every three months for 3 days. I'm sure it was at least twice a day. So 6 times every quarter, 4 times a year, that's 24 times. For 2 years, 48 times!! Now I knew, could I get over it? 3. Does she still love him? She won't after she hears what he did to her. She despises people who lie for personal gain. 4. Does she still love me? Yes, I know she does, and that also answers number 5. 6. Does she want to end up with him? No, especially after she finds out he's willing to lie to her to get her to sleep with him.

So, the only one that is still going to take some work is number 7. How do I ever trust her again? I'm sure the counselor will have some insight into that. It might not happen overnight, but I knew, with time, I would trust her again, maybe not the unquestionable 100% trust I had before, but trust nonetheless.

On Monday I left work early at 4:00 to go to an appointment with the counselor.

"Kurt, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"I've never seen this in all my years of counseling. Bridgit has a very strong need to fulfill all her promises. Has she always been that way?"

"As long as I've known her."

"I worry about that. Someone like that could put themselves in grave danger just to fulfill a promise. Have you ever known someone to break a promise they made to her?" She asked.

I didn't have to think about it.

"Yes, her college roommate, they were best friends."

"What happened?"

"It was our senior year. Gina was her best friend. They had made arrangements to go to Cancun for Spring Break, they planned it since September. Bridgit had bought the plane tickets and made all the reservations. Everything was all set.

In January Gina met a guy that she really liked. By March she was head over heels and when he told her that he wanted to go skiing in Vail, she said yes immediately.

When she came home to their apartment and told Bridgit, 3 weeks before spring break, that she wasn't going to Cancun, Bridgit flipped.

"She disowned her best friend and they haven't spoken since. We ended up going to Cancun together, so it wasn't a total waste, but she never forgave her."

"That sounds about what I would have expected. Someone close to her must have reneged on a promise to her and it has affected her adversely ever since." The doctor said.

Then I said, "That fact may actually work in my favor in this situation."

"How do you mean?" She asked.

"I'll let you know once we get the bigger problem solved."

"By bigger problem, what do you mean?"

"How can I get her to see that what she did was wrong?"

"I don't know that you ever will, Kurt. In her mind she wasn't taking anything from you when she was fulfilling her promise. You weren't there, so she wasn't taking away time spent with you. Also, you weren't there so she wasn't taking away any love from you. In her mind she still loved you, actually still loves you with all her heart. Doing what she did took none of that away from you."

"So, I go through the rest of my life wondering if she has other promises out there that will allow her to stray?" I asked.

"That would be a good question for her. Are there any other promises, to anyone, that would cause her to betray your trust again. If she thinks about it and can't come up with any, then ask her to promise not to betray you like that again."

"This was a lot to think about. I did know Bridgit's attitude toward promises, but is that an excuse to cheat? The doctor saw me thinking and said, "Can I put it in another perspective for you?"

"Sure" I said, "anything to try to understand it."

"Let's say you knew someone that needed a blood transfusion and they had a rare type of blood. You also had this same rare type of blood. Would you be willing to give them some of your blood knowing your body will produce more and you'll be fine."

"Sure."

"Well, that's how Bridgit looked at it. She was giving something that she had that he needed and she would be fine afterwards. It wouldn't affect her adversely."

Now my head was spinning. I couldn't wrap my head around it all. She did seem to have some good insight into Bridgit's thought process though.

Was that going to be enough for me. Could I give her a pass because of her mindset? Knowing she loved me and I loved her, would that be enough? Part of me wanted to say yes, but another part wanted her to pay for her betrayal of our marriage.

Damn, why can't life be easy?

I left her office more confused than when I came in, but I also had some insight that I would never have come to on my own. So, do I look at her issues as a mental disability? If it were, it sure would make it easier to process and even easier to forgive her. I sure had a lot to think about.

Mary and I talked about Bridgit's other personality traits. I know that Mary probably had some qualms against talking about Bridgit and things discussed in a private session, but her main objective was to save our marriage. Any insight she could give each of us to make it easier to reconcile would help meet that objective.

I told her that Bridgit's attitude toward honesty had always been a blessing, giving me confidence that my wife was being true to me as she made her rounds as an Area Rep. I knew she was mine and mine alone. I told Mary, "I know that sounds caveman, but it's not, because just as she was mine I was hers. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but some women are looking for security, and I have a solid job and I treat people with respect. I've been flirted with, and even propositioned, but I always stood firm, knowing that for both Bridgit and I, there was no one else. Now that is in question. I'm not sure if I can trust her to continue in this job."

"I understand, Kurt, and we'll work on trust. Let's get you two back together first."

As I sat there, I thought about the call from Liz. "Hey Doc, I think I may have a way to help with that."

"How is that?"

I told her what Liz and I would like to do. I told her that this would help me in my quest to forgive and trust Bridgit again.

She agreed to it and I told her I'd call her the next day to confirm that Liz would be able to make the call. When I got to the motel I powered up my laptop and sent a Facebook message to Liz to call me when she had a chance. At 10:00 I got a call from her.

"Hello Kurt, I had already planned on calling you tonight when I got your message on Facebook."

"Thank you for calling, Elizabeth."

"Liz, please."

"Okay Liz, what were you going to call me about?"

"I wondered if this Wednesday would be the day to call. Also I thought of a way that maybe we can help out both of our situations."

"Okay, whatever I can do, I will."

We discussed her idea and it sounded like if it worked, it would possibly be a relationship killer, at least for Bridgit and Gary. I truly hoped it worked.

I also told her of the counselor's observations and I could actually hear sympathy in her voice when she said, "Well I hope you two can work it out."

I actually hoped so too. I kept thinking about what the owner of my company said. I wondered if I did divorce her, would I always be looking for a replacement just like her?

At work I was able to compartmentalize my personal life to where it was not affecting it as much, but I definitely wasn't my usual self.

Wednesday night I was at the counselor's office at 7:15. I was nervous as a guy on prom night. I truly hoped the plan worked.

At 7:25 Bridgit walked in. I could tell she had gone the extra mile to look appropriately nice for our meeting. I was sitting on the loveseat and she sat down on the loveseat also. Sure, there was a gap between us, but we were sitting next to each other.

"Kurt," she asked, "can you come back home? The kids are starting to get out of control. I think they are starting to doubt the 'conference' explanation. They just want you home."

In order for her to know just how tenuous the situation was I said, "After last Wednesday's revelation I don't know if I'm ever coming back." I paused, looked at her and said unemotionally, "We'll see how tonight goes."

"Kurt, don't talk like that." She said. "You know I love you."

I did know that but I had to make a point to her. "If I knew that we wouldn't be here." I had hope that tonight could be a watershed moment. We would see.

At that point Mary came out and got us from the waiting room. She could tell that we were both nervous, but for different reasons. When we sat on the couch, at opposite ends again, Mary started talking to us.

"Bridgit, Kurt, from our individual meetings I can tell that you both love each other greatly, but love isn't enough. Bridgit, Kurt needs to be able to trust you. Right now, in his mind, he can't trust you, at least not where Gary is concerned, and I dare say probably not where anyone is concerned, at least not right now. In his mind he's wondering what other promise lurks out there waiting to destroy your marriage forever.

Kurt, Bridgit needs to get understanding and forgiveness from you. If you can't forgive her, then there is no point in continuing. What she needs is to know that you're willing to try, that you can see a time when you can forgive her. Believe me, she knows she has hurt you."

We both looked at each other, we didn't know what to say.

"Bridgit, we never got through your list last week," she looked at me "before he left. What I'd like is for you to continue, but be open to what Kurt may say or do tonight to try to get more understanding."

Bridgit hesitated and said, "Okay. Well, I think the next thing on my list is, like on Kurt's list, communication. By that I mean real communication, not just how was your day, but thoughts about his hopes, dreams, goals and fears. Let me share in those and you share in mine too. We communicate well, but I feel like we need more, especially now. That way we can better understand each other."

Right then my phone rang. Bridgit looked at me with a perturbed expression on her face. I held up my finger and answered the phone, putting it immediately on speaker but muting our side so that any sound we made wouldn't go through.

"Kurt, what are you doing, we're in a meeting." Bridgit said angrily.

"Would you please listen and maybe it will help us." I said.

She looked confused, then we heard a voice over the phone.

"Gary, I got the kids pizza tonight because we need to talk. I need you to tell me again what happened and why I shouldn't just throw your ass out. I've spoken to a lawyer, she assures me that I would undoubtedly get the kids and be able to stay in the house while you pay all the expenses.

I want you to be truthful with me. If I find out you haven't been truthful, then I will file for divorce."

Bridgit looked over at me. She had a deer caught in headlights look on her face.

"Like I told you, her name is Bridgit. She was my high school sweetheart."

"So how is it that you were kissing and groping her in a hotel hallway?"

"Well after our last class reunion someone from the committee sent everyone that couldn't attend a registry of all our classmates with their married names included. So I looked her up on Facebook and we started chatting back and forth." He said.

So far, what he had said was just what Bridgit had told me. Their stories weren't in conflict yet.

Then Liz accused, "So, you told her you were going to be in Chicago and she met you there last month?"

Gary shot back, "No, about 3 years ago she told me that the company she worked for was looking to expand into Colorado and they were looking for Area Reps like her."

"So that is why you took the job? So you could sleep with your old girlfriend?" Liz asked.

"No, she begged me to apply, telling me that we would be able to see each other every 3 months for 3 days."

At this point I looked over at Bridgit, she was just staring at the phone.

Liz continued, "So she told you that if you took the job you could sleep with her every 3 months?"

"Not in those exact words, but she did imply that." He said.

I looked at Bridgit, she was still staring at the phone, but was shaking her head no.

"So, you've been screwing her every 3 months for the past 3 years?" Liz accused.

"No, I swear, I kept fending her off every time, but then 6 months ago she cornered me. She told me that, unless I slept with her, she would tell you that we've been having an affair the whole time I've worked there. I didn't want to do it. I told her that I loved you and that she should look to one of the other unmarried Reps to have an affair with. Honey, you have to believe me, I didn't want to do it. I have no feelings for her. That's why I broke it off while we were in college. Now I just wish she would let me be and let me do my job when I'm at those meetings.

She was possessive when I was with her, always jealous of any girl that said, 'Hi' to me as I walked down the hall. I tell you, she's nuts and should be seeing a psychiatrist. I was actually scared she might hurt me as well as ruin our marriage.

I wish we could confront her, but she would just lie and probably say I was the one that pursued her. You've got to believe me, you can't trust her. I'm glad that I'm looking for another job, so I never have to see her again. I can't take it anymore."

I was watching Bridgit this whole time. Her expression went from disbelief to confusion and then to anger. In fact, she started yelling at the phone, "You Bastard, you Liar, you Son of a Bitch, tell the truth, you Asshole!"

I picked up my phone and ended the call. I looked at Bridgit and her face was in her hands, she was crying. I know it sounds mean, but I had to know. I said, "Are you crying because he lied, or because he told the truth?"

She continued crying for a bit and then said, "I'm crying because I have wrecked our marriage, possibly forever, over a piece of shit that I once cared for. How could he say those things? Kurt, you have to believe me, I never begged him to come work there. Also, I definitely didn't say, imply, or even hint that I wanted to have sex with him."

Then she looked at me, straight into my eye, "Kurt you know I have never lied to you. I'm telling you now that I did none of those things. I stalled his advances until he told me that he wasn't getting any intimacy from his wife. You've got to believe me. I struggled with the decision, but I had promised him. It was only to comfort him and only during the quarterly meeting times. Kurt, it wasn't taking anything away from you. I had no thoughts of us getting back together. I love you, Kurt, you have to believe me." She pleaded.

She was desperately trying to assure me while she dealt with the betrayal of a person she thought cared about her, at least in some way.

How much of what he said was real, how much was just his impressions of the event, how much was him lying to cover his ass. Unless my wife has been playing a game ever since I met her, I had to believe that her trait of being honest was not an act. I could believe her. I knew that in her mind she was helping a person whom she loved in a small way and also was fulfilling her other character trait of keeping her promises.

"So where do we go from here, Bridgit?" I asked.

"Kurt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry that I took your love for granted. I'm sorry that I put my past promise ahead of our marriage."

"So what if he comes back and is divorced, needing comfort again?"

"He can go to Hell for all I care."

"Kurt, can you forgive me? I'm so sorry for hurting you. From now on you come first in front of everything, even the kids. Of course, they will be a close second." She said the last bit smiling at me. She knew the kids were the most important things in our lives. We both knew that.

Mary, who had been silent throughout the whole exchange and addressed me. "Kurt, so what do you think? Can you forgive her? Can you trust her? Is there anything else that you need to make you trust her again?"

I had thought about this, a lot! I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I turned to Bridgit, "I need to be able to trust you."

"I love you Kurt." She announced.

I continued, "First, I want you to go to our family doctor and ask for an STD test. If she asks why, tell her the truth."

Bridgit looked at me. I could see the shock on her face at what I was asking. I was asking her to confess to a woman that she had known since before she had gotten her first period, a person that had answered all of the "female" questions she was too embarrassed to ask her own mother. A person that probably felt more like a grandmother to her than a doctor. She looked deeply into my eyes, she had tears in her eyes, and nodded her head.

"Second, I need you to promise that you will never see him again, ever."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "Kurt, I can't promise that."

I started to get up, I was going to leave.

"No Kurt, wait! I can't promise that because his family still lives in this town. I'm sure there will be times when he comes home to see them. I might accidentally run into him at the grocery or something."

I thought about it. "Okay, I can see that. Alright, how about not going anywhere where you know he'll be."

She thought some more. "Kurt, there will be class reunions and, God forbid, funerals for friends and classmates. I don't think that is possible. How about if I don't go anywhere I think he might be without you, no funerals, no reunions.