Jamie - The Journey Begins Ch. 33 Pt. 02 - Lights Out

I looked over his shoulder at Hailey. She was sitting there, touched by Lucas' outburst and my reaction. She's such an awesome girl. Yeah, she was pissed at Lucas' outburst - he was going to do some kiss-ass after, but Hailey wasn't the type to be pissed at him - or anyone really - for more than needed.

Hugging me back, his voice muffled, he said, "Sorry... I just can't help it. He's the only person on the planet that sets me off -- like instantly - crazy sets me off." He sounded so flat and upset.

"Come on. Come sit next to your amazing wife, hey." I turned him and slowly sat him down next to Hailey. "Now Lucas, you kiss Hailey and say 'Sorry, Hailey - I was an ass. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you," I said in the same voice that his mom used on us a few times - plus I was smiling at the end of it.

Lucas, to his credit, looked her in the eyes. "Sorry, Hails. I was a dick and shouldn't have said that to you, or like, you know, in that, tone." He kissed her cheek ever so gently. It was really cute to watch.

The dam broke between them. Hailey kissed him back. "Sorry, Luc, honey. Thought I was helping. Ben made it clear he wanted to speak to Mason no matter what."

My mind was racing: Shit! how far did this go? The thought, repeating over and over in my head, was, 'Oh Mason- you dickhead, you son of a bitch!'

Ben took a breath for a moment, swallowing down a load of anger. My outstretched hand rested on his shoulder, trying to calm him - convey without words my feelings.

Ben wasn't mad at me: he was pissed at Mason. Short of saying there was something up with one of the kids, I could clearly see that Ben wasn't in the mood or place to hear me, or listen to what I wanted to say to diffuse the situation, I don't think.

It was time for me to remain quiet, supportive and stay quiet, yeah twice.

"I told him, how y'all have worked hard for everything you have achieved academically, personally and professionally." Ben's voice was quiet, calm and even... very much danger signs, kinda like the calm before the cyclone - no wait - y'all say 'tornado' -- oops, my Aussie bad, haha.

The intensity on Ben's face grew, if possible, "He's jealous! As crazy as it sounds, Jamie, your broth- Mason - is pure and simply jealous of you! I couldn't help it. I'm sorry." Ben reached over and took hold of my hand, gently tilting his head and laying a soft kiss upon my hand as the anger in him passed like a summer's thunderstorm.

"The words poured out - Oh, bless your heart. Y'all feel bad because you can't put yourself out there like Jamie does? Like the rest of the family does?"

My mind was saying 'zing, burn, zing' at Ben's comments.

"Maybe, instead of pitching a fit like some toddler, y'all could have tried to make friends with everybody like 'your stupid ass brother did,' hmm. You were too caught up in your pity party for one?" Ben paused, "I honestly thought my head was about to explode, my tone and volume had been increasing to a point where I could notice it now, but I wasn't done."

I looked at my husband, poor Jamie, he was sitting there like a deer in the headlights, trying his best, I could see, to remain calm to try and keep me calm, this is the side of him that people don't often see - the considerate, kind, break-your-heart caring side of him, that he gives to those who he loves without question without offer of reward.

"Hey, you ok?" Ben asked me.

He'd stopped talking and was looking at me, like he was looking into me, inside me. I nodded, unconvincingly, but nodded all the same.

Back to my car loving days, Ben was like a turbo-charged sportscar fully boosted up now and heading down the quarter mile track under 6 seconds. "I pointed out to Mason, that instead of taking advantage of your ability to socialize, learn the easy way you-Jamie, you know his brother-,"

The look on Ben's face was priceless, each time when he said my brother's name, it was like he'd just smelled my dirty socks or something, I had to try my best not to smile or laugh, or I'd be on that list also quick smart, right, if I did.

"-makes friends, and you know try make some yourself? Play the advantage, but you were, ARE jealous of it, of him." A look of despair washed through him.

I couldn't watch anymore. I was starting, too. I had already started to get angry, like kick my brother's ass angry.

"You'd think he'd learn grow up some, but no." Ben shook his head.

I could tell how pissed Ben was in the language he used-was using. Normally the y'all's and stuff, floods the conversation if he's either excited or really pissed about something. Clearly, he was pissed.

"Ben, it's ok. He's just a dick. Don't let it get to you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, all of his bullshit." I pulled him in and hugged his ridged body against mine. He was physically angry still -- damn, I could almost taste it in the air. I needed to calm him down.

"Dick!" Came from behind me, "that's not the half of it, Ben, Hailey! Wondered why he's never been back here to the states for a holiday since we were like in Junior High? No! I'll tell you," Lucas' voice was rising with every word, the anger and hurt was still white hot within him. "Because he knows we're all waiting to get a chance to settle some old scores." I knew that look on his face - I was looking back at myself when I was pissed, like super pissed.

"Jamie," Ben's tone was cold and level, without emotion. "Mason just laughed, albeit one with a serve of bitterness attached, son of a bitch."

Listening in silence, I could feel Ben's heart racing through his words - weird I know, but I could. His voice, body trembled with emotion. I pulled him in, held him close, trying through osmosis to leach some calmness back into him. I subconsciously sucked in a short sharp breath. I reviewed what Ben had told me, how upset he was, not for himself, but me, my eyes fixed on some far distant spot with laser like focus, Ben's last words, his cold tone playing over.

I needed him, Ben, to let this go. It wasn't - dickwad wasn't - worth it, all this upset. I was over him and his childish games, being happily married with three kids, a great job, home. but moreover, Ben in my life, every day is the dream I wanted, the destination I looked for on my life's journey.

"Sorry Ben - you shouldn't have to deal with this shit. It shouldn't even be a problem, you know." He just hugged me a little harder, conveying his emotions to me. He let out a deep sigh, relaxing into me finally.

Ben's voice was a little muffled at first with his mouth resting on my collar bone, almost looking over my shoulder. "Yeah, well, now he's poked the bear, right! I don't get it how your brother can still hold such hatred or, I don't know, jealousy, I think? Yeah, he's jealous of you, Jamie. That's pretty clear."

I felt Ben gently jolt almost, like he was reacting to stimulation or thought. "It's sad, really. On one hand, he went on about how, in his words 'you went running into the arms of that dud, Sean, so yeah, I beat Jamie's ass a few times. Probably wouldn't hurt him to get another serving from me still, I reckon.'

"That's almost, no it is, homophobic! I know I shouldn't have let him get to me, but it was killing me to hear him say those things -- those awful, awful things, so I bit back, saying I heard Sean beat his ass a few times, too... so maybe not such a dud, Mason went all silent."

Ben pulled back a little and looking at my face, reading my expressions, I guess. It was only a flash, a nanosecond of hurt, that shocked through me - my husband telling me, pointing out to my brother, how my first love kicked his ass a few times because of the dick behaviour he had going on.

"I know, Ben. Didn't mean it to hurt me." It just felt out of body weird, kinda painful, but more numb maybe. I can't really describe it. He picked up on it, though, lifting his hand to my face, cupping my cheek.

"I'm sorry, Skip. I shouldn't have repeated that bit - I didn't mean to hurt you. I just got all swept up in it all."

"Look, ok, let's all calm down. Mom, Dad and I settled this a few years ago. They know how much of a dick he was and still is. That's why they didn't push it when we were having gatherings. I can see it now from their side too - how hard it must be to have a child that is the opposite of everything you taught your kids - but he's their flesh and blood made from the same stuff I'm made of, but I'm not a... well, not him. They struggled having a child that doesn't believe in what they stood for. God, it would kill me if one of our kids turned out like that. They'd realised how gullible they'd been with his lies, and Katie's covering up, too when we were young. Getting all upset is just giving him the oxygen he needs. I say starve him."

Silently nodding, I took his hand and gently kissed his soft palm. Out of nowhere, I half laughed. "Yeah, one day after Mason, you know..." I looked down at the ground for a moment, rubbing, toeing my chucks against each other.

"Well ok, full disclosure, you know, so you get it, understand it, hey." I pulled him into me a little. There was space between us, but we were in one another's space, you know. "The last time Mason and Sean..."

"Are you sure, Jamie?" Lucas' voice full of concern and compassion. Looking over at them both, I saw Hailey ask, "What?" Lucas shook his head, 'no.'

I took a deep steadying breath. "Sean and I were in the garage talking and playing eight ball. Dad had converted the garage into an indoor-outdoor space for us kids to hang out, you know - away from the parents. It was very cool, we all thought. Our friends came over to hang, too."

Ben nodded.

I was feeling so nervous. "Yeah, so, Todd and Steph were having one of their make-out sessions over on the old leather sofa in the corner." I laughed at the memory. Ben's face went all quizzical. "It was like a day or two after Todd found out that Lucas and I had, you know..."

"Horsie," Lucas quipped. Ben frowned for a moment.

"That's the name you've got Todd stored as - 'Todd Horsie. I thought it was his middle name, no?"

"Leg," Lucas replied.

I couldn't help but smile for a second at our nickname for Todd back then. Feeling my neck redden instantly, even though Ben knew about it, it was still weird.

"He's still pissed that he missed out on the fun," I laughed at the memory. "The following day, Todd was still all pissy that he missed out, so Lucas, Sean and I all dropped our pants and hung our junk out at him to shut him the fuck up. Lucas told him-Todd, to put his money where his mouth was and get it out. He did."

Ben's eyes went all wide. "So, what happened?"

"Yeah, well, Todd jumped up and dropped his jeans, fishing out his horse cock, yup horse cock. Stephanie was telling him to stop, but you know Todd, when he makes his mind up..." I couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

"Yep, Horsie-Todd," Lucas said matter-of-fact like.

I held out my hands like fisherman do when saying how big the fish was. right. "It was this big, haha." I couldn't help but laugh again. "I'm sure that if I ask him, he'll get it out again, you know, so you can even up the score. Todd loves getting his cock out."

With a grin still firmly plastered to my face, I continued. "Anyway, Sean said, 'Ok, you win horse dick,' and we all pulled up our pants. Stephanie was a little pissed when she found out, more that we gave 'into his bitching like a little girl' -- her words - my sister is such a bitch, in a good way - love the way she's always kept Todd in line with gentle ribbing and joking about."

Ben laughed. "I've heard her call him that, little bitch. Love that sister of your's - the irony, right, of calling him a little bitch because he's hung?"

Ben was finally getting to understand our, or my family's Australian ironic humour at times, like calling someone smiley when they seem so grumpy... you get it right...

"So, Jamie, that's why you have him saved as Todd Horsie? Would never have guessed that." Ben reacted, a look of surprise, maybe some confusion too... poor Benny.

"Yeah, so yeah. Stephanie's always been there for me. What she's done, your sister Amber has done also, for us both right. We're blessed to have them in our lives. But anyways, Steph doesn't take too much, too seriously, between her hubby, us, and her husband's horse dick. I guess a career in the military with all those Alpha personalities was just the right fit for her. She gives crap back as good as she gets, with interest at times, haha."

"I think he's a shower, not a grower - else he'd pass out," Lucas replied. "We should ask Steph." Lucas' face wasn't convinced, although he'd just asked and answered his own question.

"So, Lucas was there too?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, not at the exact moment that day, but he got to see it. See, Uncle Reid, all of the family were overspending our summer, here. Reid, Lucas and Aiden were out with him at the local mall -- Shopping Centre - buying my mom and Dad a gift for hosting them for the last month."

"And so..." Ben waved me on.

Well, that attempt of diversion didn't work, fuck! "Ok, anyways, eight ball. Sean won the game. I lost without potting a single ball," I said quickly. Ben looked on as if he was waiting for something, I tilted my head at him -- fuck, he's not going to let me off.

"Oh, sorry! Our rule was if you lost without potting a single ball you had to strip off your shirt and drop your pants and do a lap of the table with your cock and ass out."

I knew we were about to cross that line. Lucas and I exchanged quick glances, the one where there's no going back, It was about to get all too real again.

Didn't want to do this, but I had to. Reluctantly, I continued. My mouth went a dry. I could sense a strong smell of something, I couldn't make it out. My breath felt all ragged. I felt my whole body soften, weaken, like hunch forward somewhat. I was resigned.

"I didn't want to take off my shirt, I knew what was gonna happen if I did." I looked up at Lucas. He tapped his heart with his hand and smiled reassuringly. "I asked Sean... not to make me, almost pleading. Todd was in the background chanting 'take it off -- take it off!' while still playing with his cock out -- well, helicoptering that fucking thing around, like -Jesus - totally thought he was going to take someone's eye out with it, haha." I stopped, hoping the side story was enough to distract Ben... nope, not at all. Ben just stared at me waiting for me to continue.

"Sean saw the look in my eyes, waving for Todd to stop, he did. The room went quiet. Sean walked over slowly as though he was trying to get close to me without spooking me like some frightened animal. I heard Todd get up off the sofa, cock away now."

The memory of the sound made me jump even now. Looking up at the ceiling for a moment, forcing the tears of anger and regret back down, I continued. "I told Sean that I just fell hard in hockey practice," those words still came out as a rushed jumble. "He didn't believe me, not even close, like you Ben - you guys can see through my defences. I didn't have a hope... He suspected something was up."

I heard Hailey let out a muffled sob.

Ben reached up with is finger, gently placing it on my mouth. "Hey, it's ok. Don't. Jamie. Don't go there unless you really want to. Please, I can see how upset this is making you." His eyes searched my face, reassuring me that he was there for me. I could see the pain I was feeling reflecting back at me. He leaned in, holding the side of my face while kissing the other cheek over and over. "I love you - we all love you! You are an amazing son, brother, friend, papa, husband, all of it." He punctuated each statement with a kiss.

Ben took my fingers into his hand, gently kissing them while looking up at me. He stopped, placing a featherlight kiss on my lips, so softly if I hadn't been watching I might not have even known. The look on his face, the love energized me.

Taking a deep breath, I continued. "Gently he - Sean - lifted my shirt." I paused. "I let my arms slacken beside me, as he lifted it up he saw the red marks and bruises forming along my left side, just below my ribs and above my kidney, with a few knuckle marks."

I transported back to that teenager. The smell before was the garage at Mom and Dad's. I still remember pulling my arms up, protecting my stomach, chest and face. "Those feelings of regret - letting someone bully me when I knew I could make them stop if I wanted to - I was just too scared, Ben, that he'd hurt me worse or I'd hurt him."

I was desperately trying to hold back the flood of tears. Wordlessly, his face, his eyes were a wash of mixed emotions - anger, sadness, love. Ben took my hand silently, pulling me into his lap, my back against his chest, he held me tight. It was warm, reassuring, safe.

"Todd saw them, too. He fucking freaked out! I mean totally lost it! Bursting out of the garage, screaming out his name -- Mason - calling him out, standing at the back deck screaming like-like a madman. Mason walked out the back all cocky.

Todd ran at him, stopping, shirt-fronting him, slamming him into the wall of the house, screaming in his face that I was his brother, his younger brother. HE was supposed to LOOK AFTER me, not FUCKING BULLY ME, NOT BEAT ME UP, FUCKING HIT ME! Todd suddenly took a step back. "You're not worth it, Mason! Not here, not with witnesses anyway."

Mason, after almost crapping his pants started yelling, telling Todd to 'fuck off... this was his home and this wasn't his place to yell, and what was up his ass.'

I paused, steadying myself. "Sean heard all that. I'm sure half the block did - his gaze fixed on Mason, running straight out at him, bursting out of the garage like Todd moments before, just as Mason was walking up the driveway, giving Todd the bird."

"You gotta understand," Lucas started. "Sean wasn't a fighter, not at all. He was one of the most chilled people I've ever known. It was so out of character at the time..." Pausing for a moment, he went on: "...until later when I understood it, the connection his feelings for Jamie."

I nodded, acknowledging Lucas' comments. "I heard Sean say to Todd, 'Turn away - no witnesses, right!' Yeah well next minute, I hear Sean yell 'YOU FUCK'N BULLY, TRY THIS,' and it was on. I raised my eyebrows. Mason didn't say a word, Todd and Sean said they'd kick his ass twice over if he hit me, or told. I guess the bully got bullied."

Ben was speechless for a full 30 seconds. "I swear to God, Jamie, if he was here, I would have beat him - and I don't fight!" A wry smile crossed Ben's face for a moment. "I did happily tell your brother that his little brother kicked the asses of two 195lb guys with little more than a few cuts, but by all means, he could come and try it on with you."

I laughed at that. "Bet Mason crapped himself."

"Anyways, the line went quiet for a while. Then he said, "he couldn't get a flight and would text your mom offering an apology."

"I replied in my most welcoming voice that he always welcome once he'd apologized for what he did to you as a kid and lose that shit attitude, else forget our address, because not him or anyone is going to hurt my husband again. And for someone that is going to have a child of their own, he really-really needs to lose the shit attitude and grow up."

..o0o..

"Ok, so after all of THAT drama, how about we..." I reached down, with a smile wrapping my face, flashing a quick wink to Ben as I pulled out Cards Against Humanity. "Oh, hey Lucas, can y'all get us some drinks while I set up, hey."

Ben laughed when he saw the pack. "When did you hide them out here?" I just smiled as he leaned in kissing my cheek. Ben stood, "I'll get some snacks, Hailey. Anything in particular taking your fancy?"