Jay Saves Me

My wife and I were married for 18 wonderful years. We met in college when Sara was a second year and I was just finishing my degree. While I was getting myself established working really long hours, she was finishing her degree in physics. Yeah, physics. Really smart and so beautiful standing at just about 5'5", slim and toned, with thick light brown hair and blue eyes that just sparkled. I stand at 6'0", slim from running several times a week, and am optimistic about life; greeting it with a ready smile and quite often a laugh.

To this day I am not sure what she ever saw in me. I really think I fell in love with her the minute I lost myself in her eyes. We got engaged the day she graduated and married three years later.

I'm Evan and worked as an accountant for a large firm. The truth is that I worked my butt off to begin to work my way up, and somewhere along the line, I found I really didn't like accounting. So, what was I going to do? I began to write. At first, they were little stories, but soon became novel length which I gave to the world on that big site. You know the site that sells just about everything now. The fact is the books began to take off and it wasn't long until I was earning as much from book sales as I was from accounting. With Sara's blessing, I quit accounting and began writing full-time.

By the time I hit 32 years old, we were doing well financially. Earlier we found out we couldn't have children, so while we saved money regularly, we began to help college students with their tuition. It wasn't long before we were helping ten, and then fifteen students with half of their tuition at the state university. Sara and I loved being able to do that for the students so they might not have a mountain of debt when they graduate. Maybe a hill of debt, but not a mountain that would haunt them for years.

Since Sara's mother had breast cancer, which she beat, Sara started having annual mammograms when she reached 30. Every year she and I would breathe a sigh of relief when the results came back negative. What would we ever do if they came back positive?

The same year Sara began her mammograms, Jay moved in next door. He didn't hide the fact he was gay, and we just didn't care. Not only was he a great neighbor, he became a wonderful friend over the years. He was a nurse at the local medical center hospital, but we never discussed his work very much. We just enjoyed being with him which included having him over for dinners twice a month; going to movies and events; and, because he didn't have any family, he spent all of the holidays with us.

Six months ago, Sara went in for her mammogram like usual. But the results came back positive and surgery was scheduled in two weeks - they weren't fooling around with her cancer! Nothing the doctors said led us to believe it was anything other than small and routine. Sara spent time talking with her Mother so she would have an idea of what to expect. I talked with her Mother to learn the best way for me to care for Sara and got some great tips. Sara and I were just going along as if it would all be okay, what else could we do?

The day of the surgery arrived and we were at the hospital right on time to be checked in. Once that was done, the doctor came by the room to remind us what she was going to do - a full double mastectomy and a planned reconstruction at the same time.

"Good thing they aren't that big. I won't be missing much," Sara joked just as she was being wheeled away.

Sara's Mom and I were seated in the waiting area expecting about a three hour wait. The doctor came out after two hours and we looked at one another filled with dread. This is either really great or really bad, I thought when I saw the doctor.

"There's a problem," the doctor began and our hearts just sank. "The cancer is much larger than we had thought and has moved into her lymph nodes. There's a good chance it has spread to other parts of the body. There's a lot we can do, but it's going to be a tougher road than we had imagined. We'll go back in and do reconstruction after treatment is complete."

Sara's Mom broke down in tears as I held her.

"When can we see her," I asked.

"The nurse will come out an get you when she is back in her room. We need to run some tests to find out what we are up against, which will happen in the next couple of days. Until then she has to stay here."

I nodded. I was numb and frightened, but could never let Sara see that.

After a couple of hours, we were in Sara's room waiting for her to be conscious. She just wanted to sleep, which was so understandable and we didn't want to do anything that would disturb her. One of the nurses came in - they had just become faces to us and we didn't look up.

"Evan. Sally. I am so sorry," the voice said. I knew that voice and looked up.

"Jay!" I was so happy to see a friendly face. "What are you doing here?"

"You never asked me where I work in the hospital. I'm an Oncology Nurse and if you will allow it, I'd like to be Sara's nurse," he explained.

"Of course, Jay. Please. This way we'll know she is getting the best possible care," I responded and Sally agreed.

Jay then explained what tests they would be running and what they would learn from each of the tests over the next few days. He was serious, but smiled encouragingly through his tears the entire time. I knew Jay liked Sarah, but until that moment I didn't know the depth of his feelings for her...or us. And, then he outlined possible treatments - none of which sounded like fun. If the cancer didn't take Sara, the cure would!

On the fourth day we received the worst possible news from the doctor with Jay standing in the background. It was Stage Four Breast Cancer that had metastasized - it had spread to Sara's organs. They were planning multiple rounds of chemo therapy, radiation and surgery. My Sara was going to become a walking toxin warehouse. As the treatment options and her prognosis were summarized, I watched Sara's expression go from smiling to acceptance to fear. I had to leave the room so Sara wouldn't see me crying and she could talk with her Mom.

Out in the hall, I found a chair and just cried. In a few moments, I felt a hand rubbing my back and looked up to see Jay softly smiling.

"Just let it out," Jay told me gently. "Cry now so she doesn't see you. Now, more than ever Sara needs you to be strong."

I just nodded. There was nothing else I could do as nurses and orderlies bustled around me. We had always been glad that Jay was our friend, but at that moment, I couldn't imagine facing Sara's cancer with anyone else. I nodded my understanding and after a few moments took a deep breath, stood and went back into Sara's room.

"I'm not going to do it," Sara greeted me as I walked into the room. She was holding her Mother's hand looking determined. "I will not be their guinea pig to stick, prod, poke, and poison. I am not going to put poison in my body to kill the cancer, because the poison will ruin my organs. No, I won't do it." Sara's voice was strong, but not loud. "Whatever time I have, I want to spend with those I love."

What could I do, but nod?

"Now," Sara started, "let's get out of here. We've got some living to do."

During the next four months, we travelled and completed Sara's bucket list. Paris. London. Washington, DC, New York, Tahiti - we went everywhere she wanted to go or see. When we were home, we'd always make time to have dinner with Jay, who loved Sara like a sister.

And, we continued to help more students. Neither one of us were working, so it was a good thing I was several books ahead and was able to release titles at regular intervals, which just increased overall book sales. Sara's company, a smaller but innovative and respected group in the world of technology, kept her on and paid her full salary during this time.

During the fourth month, Sara began to tire easily. The fifth month saw her begin to be in pain and she was even more tired. We both knew her time was getting closer. Jay knew it, too and gently suggested that arrangements be made, which we did and made sure we reviewed those arrangements with him. She also met privately with our attorney; there were some specific instructions she wanted to leave.

During the sixth month, the pain level increased dramatically. I could see life slowly slipping away from Sara. She still smiled and laughed, but was kind of out of it for much of the day. Jay told me it was time for hospice care. Damn.

I had bouts of crying. Feeling sorry for myself. What was my problem? Sara was the one dying and she needed me. Of course, she never saw these times. I carefully kept them to myself, but Jay saw me.

Jay took a leave from the hospital so he could help with Sara and arranged for a hospital bed to be put in our den, which we turned into her room. The two of them would spend hours talking softly; those were the only times when I left her side. I was with Sara 18 and 20 hours a day. Sometimes just sitting there looking at her and remembering our times together over the years. Most of the time she was sleeping and I read to her from her favorite book - even if she was asleep. When she was awake, she was worried about what would happen to me and reminded me that Jay was a great person and we owed him so much. Typical Sara - she was thinking about others even on her death bed - literally.

For the first two weeks there seemed to be a constant parade of people - current and past college students who we had helped, friends, her parents and others. It got so bad, I had to establish visiting hours and did my best to be a good host to those visiting. Once again, Jay knew just what to do and how to do it without hurting people's feelings. Through it all Sara smiled and encouraged others.

Over the course of the next five days, she declined rapidly. She was sleeping over 20 hours a day. I stayed in the room just so I'd be there when she woke up...if she woke up. I just relived those moments as I wrote that sentence...wow. When she did awaken, there were times when she didn't have any idea where she was. It broke my heart to see her like this.

Through it all Jay was there every day doing the messy jobs of tending to someone in hospice care. He told me he didn't want me to remember Sara like that, but to concentrate and recall the wonderful times Sara and I had together. What would I have done without Jay?

She died toward the end of the sixth week of hospice care. One moment she was breathing, and then next moment she was still. I sat in the chair holding her hand and looking at my beautiful wife. As I stood to kiss her hand and her forehead to say good-bye, Jay was slowly and gently rubbing my back not saying a word.

Jay knew who to call and what to do. I was exhausted and not feeling anything. I had spent weeks in the room with her. Crying when she was asleep. Reading softly to her until my voice got raspy.

Jay told me I needed to get some rest and gave me a pill to sleep. Going into what was our bedroom, I got undressed and lay down on our bed, touching her pillow...and at some point, I closed my eyes. When I awoke it was over 24 hours later, all evidence of hospice care and the hospital bed were gone. That was Jay at work taking care of me.

The service and so-called Celebration of Life were a blur to me. So many people came that we almost ran out of food. I heard people tell me how great Sara was and how she had touched their lives. I smiled and tried to focus. Sara would want me to be courteous, but all I felt was lost.

Jay was never very far away during that time, He was there to remind me of someone I needed to thank, or even encourage. He made sure I didn't embarrass myself or Sara's memory.

The following week Jay and I were called to our attorney's office. I was kind of dreading this; hearing about Sara's last wishes, even though I thought I knew what they were, listening to our attorney put such a finality on her life. But Jay reminded me that as long as Sara was remembered, she was still alive. He assured me that he would never forget her. Jay was again easing the burden I felt.

Our attorney read a letter from Sara addressed to me, but to be read in Jay's presence, which I found to be a bit strange, but certainly didn't object. She always knew what she was doing and it quickly became apparent.

In her letter Sara told me how much she loved me and that it was okay to grieve for a while, but at some point, I needed to live. She told Jay and I to take care of one another, and to continue to care for and love one another. Then, she gave me two instructions. I was to give Jay her new Toyota RAV 4, which only had about 2,500 miles on it. I could almost hear her telling me to give it to him - her tone. And, then she told me Jay was to have her jewelry box and all of the contents, which seemed strange to me until I realized that she had given her clothing to Jay so I wouldn't have to deal with it, I assumed. Sara instructed that I could keep one piece of her jewelry - the first piece I had ever given her when we were dating which was a snowflake pendant. The rest, including watches and all other jewelry was to go to Jay.

I looked over at Jay who was shocked; genuinely shocked.

"Evan," he started, "I don't want anything. Nothing. I..."

"Jay," I interrupted him with a gentle voice, "you heard her instructions. The jewelry and the car go to you. Period. If it were up to me there would be a lot more for all you have done for us over the years. So, like Sara always was, be gracious," I added with a smile.

Jay's shoulders slumped a bit and he nodded as he cried softly. And, just as he did for me, I gently rubbed his back and put my arm around him.

The attorney went on to inform us that Sara's company was going to contact me and inform me about some money. A lot of money is how she put it. Accept it and put 75% into our giving fund. Use the rest to remodel the house and for doing some of the things we always planned to do; to live.

There was more, but it wasn't that important. I asked the attorney to facilitate the registration and ownership of the car to Jay since I knew he had the ownership papers and to pay all fees. He said he would.

Jay and I left and didn't say much on the way home. I think Jay was still in a kind of shock. When we got back, I retrieved the jewelry box from the bedroom, handed it to Jay and with him found the snowflake pendant. As I held it in my hands, I saw Sara as that 19-year-old college student and just began to cry - again. Where did these tears come from? I had cried so much I thought I would have run out of tears.

Jay just rubbed my back gently. When the tears stopped, I handed him the keys to the car which he tried not to take.

"Jay, just take it. Okay? Get rid of that 20-year-old Honda you drive and start using the Toyota." I told him. "That's what Sara wanted and you know we would never win this argument."

He took the keys and left. I stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Sara was everywhere I looked. There were memories in every corner of laughter and love. I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen in place. This is why she told me I had to remodel the house. Not to erase her memory, but for me to begin to start to move on and live. She was smart, caring and loving. Even as she was dying, she thought about how I would move forward.

For the next two months I was a bit of a recluse rarely leaving the house. Jay came by to check on me, and reminded me to work through it and I needed to start work on the remodel. His smile was the only smile I saw in those months. His touch was the only touch I felt in a hug. Slowly I began to come out of it.

One day there was a knock at the door. I checked to see who it was and saw Jay standing there.

"It's time. Right now," Jay greeted me as I opened the door and he came in.

"Time for what," I asked a bit angry that I was being disturbed when I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.

"It's time for you to start living. Time for a walk. Time for a run. Time to get out of this house." Jay told me. And, even though it was said with a smile, I could hear the steel in his voice.

I really didn't want to start anything much less living, again. But I had trusted Jay with Sara, it only made sense to trust him now to know what was best. Reluctantly I put on my running shoes which were in a corner of the closet dusty from not being used.

"Evan," Jay started in a gentle voice, "I promised Sara that I'd get you up and going. You've been down long enough. It's time to get up. You haven't run or exercised in months. Today that changes."

I used to run three to five miles four times a week often with Jay, which I really enjoyed. I just hoped I'd enjoy it again.

"How far," I asked.

"An easy mile and a half," Jay told me with a grin as we stretched on the front lawn.

I nodded not sure I would make it that far. Well, I made it...barely. The next day it was another mile and a half. And, the next day...and the next day. And, somewhere in there, Jay started going farther without asking me and just laughed when I suddenly noticed the increased distances.

After that first run Jay told me to get cleaned up and be ready to go in 45 minutes; that there was somewhere he wanted to take me. I tried to press him on where we were going, but he told me to just be ready in casual clothing. So, I was ready 45 minutes later when I heard him at the door. We got into what was now his car and I again asked him where we were going. And, again, he wouldn't tell me.

Fifteen minutes later we pulled up to an older warehouse in our town. People were lined up to enter - singles, couples, families and they were of all ages. The sign on the building said it was a food bank. I was shocked. Here. In this town people are going hungry?

Jay took me inside and introduced me to the Director who told me hunger was a real problem and that it was only getting worse. He also told me that Jay volunteered with them twice a month and everyone appreciated his positive attitude. Jay then explained to me that the food bank projected a need of more than $50,000 to get through the holidays - a need they had no clue how to fill.

"Evan, you have your grief and it will pass, even if you don't think it will," Jay told me. "But there are folks who are hungry, and we have no clue when things will get better for them."

I knew what Jay was doing, He was getting me to look beyond my grief and the best way to do that was to see the needs of others. I had two million dollars from from Sara's life insurance plus Sara's company had a five-million-dollar policy on her that would pay out to me in about a week. In addition, the president of the company had visited me and told me they would be giving me the bonus that was going to be given to Sara: another million dollars - she was a very valuable employee! The president knew the money couldn't bring Sara back, but it would make things easier for me. And he added that there would be a lot more because the technology Sara developed was now legally protected and they were looking for a buyer or some company to license it. When I asked him how much, he just smiled and said a lot.

I had to do something for these folks. I called the president of Sara's company because I knew they did a lot of charitable work. We decided to split the money the food bank needed to operate so they wouldn't have that worry hanging over them. In fact, the food bank became a special project for the company so they ended up with the best technology available and the knowledge of how to use it.

As with everything else, Jay was right. After I started exercising and getting out of myself. I began eating better. Sleeping better. My optimism about the future returned. I was feeling better and the weight I had gained from not doing anything fell away. I even started writing again with a new energy. And I finally started the remodel of the house with Jay's help.