Jay's Loelife Ch. 09

My chest tightens and my eyes burn. All I can do is stare at Jay while the tears fall down my face for the first time in a long fucking time.

Jay probably thought we were about to row. No way he expected this trojan horse.

Jay's eyes widen and he quickly pulls me into his chest. "Woah, woah, woah."

But there's nothing I can do. I can't pull myself out of the emotional tailspin. I'm bawling now. Hysterically. I feel fucking stupid for it, which helps the situation zero. I don't know how long I cry for, but Jay's shirt is disgustingly drenched in my lost pride.

I wipe my eyes and my cheeks. It's mostly a lost cause. "You must think I'm a fucking idiot," I say, my words shaky and weak from crying.

He runs his hand up and down my back. "I don't know what to think, but you being an idiot isn't one of them. Not anymore, anyway."

I scoot back so there's space between us. I tighten the hood around my face. "You know why people say kids are so resilient? Why they handle things so well? Because they don't have the emotional maturity to know they're being fucked over. Kids can go through the most hellish shit ever and wake up smiling the next morning. It's basically a get out of jail free card, but it's temporary, like a delayed sentencing. Eventually that freedom runs out and they haul your ass to jail."

I take a deep breath to keep the tears at bay.

"I had a twin brother, Lars. We were identical, inseparable. We were the same person in every way that two people can be the same. The real difference between us was how we were treated." I wipe my eyes and take another breath to stop my lip from quivering. It doesn't work. "I was seven. Young enough to be saved by my own innocence, but old enough that my expectations for Christmas were pretty low. I would play with whatever Lars got anyway, so it didn't really matter if I got some shitty ass toys while my brother got the best of everything. I did not expect to wake up Christmas morning to find--"

I bury my face in my hands. It's been ten years since I've talked about this and it feels really fucking uncomfortable.

Jay is watching me, waiting on bated breath. Careful not to move or say or do anything.

I sinch the drawstring, closing it around my face. "I woke up to find nothing," I tell him. "Lars wasn't in his bed. I ran down stairs as fast as I could because I didn't want to get punished for missing the presents again. Last time I did that, I had to watch as my dad threw all my wrapped toys in the fireplace. I never overslept on Christmas again."

"It was raining. What Florida considers a category three hurricane was what Seattle called the storm of 1999. It hadn't really hit yet and the street already had six inches of standing water. That didn't stop me from running barefoot to Corey's house. He lived a few houses down at the time. The lights were off and no one was home so I ran back to my house. I was soaking wet and afraid.

"I stared out the window for five days waiting for...I don't know. Waiting for my parents and Lars to come back? When I saw Corey's parents turn down the street, I was heartbroken but kind of relieved that they showed up first. I chased them down the street. Mike and Julia ushered me in, cleaned me, and fed me."

I look up. Jay's cheeks are damp and his eyes are watering. Jay opens his mouth to say something but the words don't come.

I swallow, trying and failing to keep my own tears away. "This is something you should know. It's obviously fucked me up. There's not a lot of resiliency when your parents leave in the middle of the night and take your identical twin brother but not you. I spent years in therapy and I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm okay. I promise. I am mostly over it. I think--" the tidal wave of emotion blooming inside my chest seems to choke the words in my throat. "I think the reason this is coming up after all these years is, um, is because--" The tears fall faster than I can wipe them away. "It's because--" I point to him and then I tap my chest, just above my heart. "You. I feel--" in my heart. The closer I get to the words the harder I cry. "I--I--" I claw my chest.

Jay wraps his hand around mine and presses them to my chest. "You love me."

Yes.

"And that's scary for you, isn't it?"

I nod. It's fucking terrifying.

"Oh, Loren," he says softly as he gathers me in his arms. He doesn't say anything for a long time. It's silent. There's no apology for things he had no control over nor for things he can't change. I'm thankful for that.

Eventually, an emotionally induced headache takes over. "I need water."

Jay fetches a bottle from the mini fridge and a couple painkillers. Once I down the entire thing, Jay faces me. With a serious expression, he grabs my hand. "I feel very unprepared right now. I want to be the person you can always count on, so I'm a little nervous about saying the wrong thing. I just want to say this; it is a privilege to be with you. It's a privilege to be trusted to know the things that you would rather keep hidden in the dark. Mostly, it's a privilege to be loved by you despite all of the things you've experienced that make that feeling seem so impossible. Most important of all is my promise to do everything I can to make you feel loved, because I do, I love you."

"I know." I take a deep breath. "And thank you. And--let's not make a big thing about this, yeah? It's embarrassing."

"I can't promise that," he says with a smile. "We both know this is a big deal, and that's okay. It's part of life. So, let's deal with it together."

"I don't even know what that fucking looks like."

"Good news, neither do I. I know it doesn't look like us sweeping it under the rug, though. Maybe it looks like therapy?"

I toss my head back and groan. "I've already done that. Lots"

"That's good, but I was thinking we could go together. I'm not really sure how to navigate this kind of trauma and I don't want to mess up. This is the kind of thing that could easily become too big for us. So, let's get out in front of it."

Fuck. Jay is kind of perfect. Never missing a thing.

"Yeah, okay."

Jay grins. It's genuine and sad and hopeful all in one big-'ol-Jay smile. "Good."

But after a few minutes of silence, I can tell something is eating at him. "I know you're afraid of saying the wrong thing but you can say what you need to say or ask what you want to ask. It's okay, I promise."

Jay scratches his neck. "It's just...what fucking assholes, you know? You were seven."

"I know."

The hesitancy gives way to anger. "You were fucking seven. A child!"

I nod. He's right. I was just seven.

"What happened after that? Have you seen them since?"

"Um, a few times--" I have to think back. Most of the details have been buried. It takes me a minute. "Mike and Julia petitioned the courts for guardianship. I think they were working towards adoption but it's a whole terrible process, one that was thwarted when I was fifteen. This article came out showcasing the youngest, most successful YouTubers. They included my net worth, which was a highly inflated estimate. I wish they'd stop doing that crap. It brings people out of the woodworks--"

"Your parents?"

"Yes, my fucking parents. Mike and Julia fought tooth and nail. You'd think that abandoning a child at seven would have some relevance, and to some extent it did, but the courts really favor nuclear families. My parents had spent time in jail and argued that they had learned the error of their ways. In the end, I had to stand in front of a judge and my parents, and sue for my own emancipation."

"How old were you?"

"My lawyer submitted the paperwork on my sixteenth birthday and I stood in front of the judge six months later."

"You stayed with Mike and Julia though?"

"I wish." I cringe. "I was technically an adult and I had money. I moved out. I made a lot of stupid fucking choices and almost blew everything. I did blow everything. Luckily, I got my shit together pretty quick."

With a smile, Jay leans in and kisses me. "You amaze me."

"I literally just bawled my eyes out."

"Like I said, you're amazing."

I push the hood off my head and stretch, popping my back. "Well, Mr. Amazing is fucking exhausted."

When we finish getting ready for bed, Jay pulls me towards his bed and starts undressing me like a child until I'm in just my boxers.

I look down at my crotch, then at Jay. "I'm going to be honest. It's, eh, kind of in an emotional chastity belt right now. It might need to be in the ICU for a few days." Jay chuckles and continues to undress. Fuck. He's unbelievable. I backtrack. "Well, maybe not a few days..."

"I don't think it would help psychologically to have sex right now." Jay pulls back the covers and crawls in. "But I'd like to sleep with you tonight, if that's alright."

I crawl in after him. He smells good and he feels good. I wiggle into his warmth. Everything inside me wants to crawl inside him. Jay rolls us into a little bed burrito and wraps a leg around me. Only when I'm completely covered by him do I feel a sense of calm. Leave it to Jay to know exactly what I need, even when I don't.

Especially when I don't.

He kisses my neck and mumbles something I can't quite hear.

"Huh?"

"Did...your parents ever touch you?" he whispers.

"Like molest me? No. Never."

"No. I mean, did they ever touch you...like, hug you, or hold you?"

"No. Never."

I would have said it was impossible, but Jay pulls me even closer. I close my eyes and let his goodness wash over me. I wouldn't be surprised if Jay wakes up tomorrow and decides this isn't worth his effort.

No.

That's my parents talking.

If there's anyone in this world capable of reversing the damage they caused, it's Jay. A man born into light when I was born into darkness.

Like a Nintendo Game Genie, Jay holds the secrets and has the tools I need to beat levels I never knew existed. It's terrifying and I'm not saying I won't screw it up, but I'm closer to winning than I've ever been before.