Jean's Diary: First Time

He nodded "Yes." One hand sliding over my ass, fingers tickling down my crack.

"Can I suck you again?" I asked.

"Can I try to make you come while I press against you again?" He stared right through me.

I let out a shudder, moved under the water to rinse. Michael rinsed the soap from my body. I shut the water, grabbed a towel, dried my clit and ass. Dried Michael's cock, and covered it in baby oil. Michael turned me around and placed my hands on the tile wall again. He held my two hands under one of his. I was getting really excited again. Fifteen minutes ago I had felt spent.

Michael dripped oil down my crack, and put the bottle down. He set himself behind me, one slippery hand reached around to caress my clit as he pressed his hard dick between my cheeks. I pushed back, pressing my hole against his shaft. The friction immediately made me desperate to have him inside me. "Ooh," I moaned in agony.

Michael kept rubbing my clit. He brought his other hand down and began teasing my nipples. My hands still on the tile, I pushed back harder, opening myself. The pressure was excruciating. The burn ran into me and through my heart. (Why can't he fuck me?) "OH my God you have to make me come," I cried, surprising myself. Michael dug in, pushing against me. He rubbed my clit urgently, pressing both my breasts now. I went silent, save for my rushing, airy breath.

I felt his cock, hard against me, his hands on me. Michael was all but inside me. We were practically fucking my brains out. My hands against the wall while Michael did everything. This was far over the line already. I was quietly whimpering, focused on all that was being done to me while I did nothing but soak it up. I couldn't not love him and give myself over like this. In my heart I belonged to him in that moment. He owned me. I melted in his arms. I had let it go too far but there was nothing to do at the moment but give myself completely.

Michael ground into me hard. I could feel his body cumming. His thrust became even more direct. He gasped, and then Michael...kissed my neck. (oh my god) It might not sound, with everything else we were doing, that kissing my neck would even register. But it sent me over the edge.

The eruption that had been building, burst out of me. My silence turned inside out, wordless I screeched, "ye." I swayed, but Michael held me up, grinding against me while I came in his arms, throaty moans coming from me as I crumbled against him. He urged "Yeah,"and then he was cumming also. I put my hand back on his hip, pulling him lamely while we converse wordless until we finish, exhausted.

We stayed that way for several minutes, then he turned me around and engulfed me in a hug. Our bodies pressed together, and everything felt fine. Michael put his hands on my ass and pulled me, just a little, like a message, (your clit is fine with me). I pulled away and smiled at him. "We have to shower, and you have to go soon."

"Can I wash you again," he grinned.

I shook my head, giggling. "No," I said, getting out. "You shower. I'll shower while you dry."

He smiled, "Okay."

I watched him shower. I stayed calm and under control but I felt closer to Michael than I had ever felt with anyone, ever. I was terrified. This was not what I was looking for. It was...I needed him out of here, and needed time to think. I just had to get him out. I had to act normal. I laughed out loud. "If I keep showering with you we'll...we'll be showering again when my parents get home." It was a big speech. I hoped I was convincing.

He laughed. "That's your fault..." I re-directed him. "It was your fault," he stepped out of the shower, reached for me but I stepped by into the shower, "you kept doing all those things to me," I said, getting under the water. I saw him watching me. I washed, and I'm sorry, guilty, I loved displaying myself for him, now that I knew he liked my body.

I climbed out of the tub. Michael wrapped a towel around me, and embraced me. (Oh well, just hug for now) I hugged him back. He caressed my butt through the towel. I allowed him to fondle me still while I kissed him firmly on the mouth. Then I took his hand. "Let's go." I pulled him down the hall to my room, let go his hand, and began getting dressed in fresh clothes. Michael pulled on his things.

"Do you want to meet again tomorrow?"

He smiled, "Absolutely, in fact I'll skip school."

I laughed, "No, after school will be fine."

Michael finished dressing, held a hand out to me. I came near, took his hand and placed it on my hip. I placed a hand gently on his chest, with the other forearm also on his chest, and my palm on his neck, I leaned up and kissed him as I knew I must, as I knew he expected after all we had done. I had to talk to him, but that was for tomorrow. For now I owed him. I Kissed him passionately, soaking up how he felt. I pulled away first but kissed his lips again as reassurance.

The look in his eyes frightened me, but I loosed a shy smile which wasn't an act. I felt closer to Michael than I could have ever imagined, but fighting to cover my exposed heart. I felt he could see my soul. I had just invited him in to use his cock, and offer him some fun in return. This was insane. It was hard to tear my eyes from his. "You got to go," I said, smiling softly down at his belt, which I caressed before I could stop my self. I looked up, nodding.

"I'm going to go," he said. I pushed him into the hall ahead of me. At the top of the stairs I stopped. He turned and reached. I backed up but held out my hand, letting his fingers slide through mine.

"The door will be open tomorrow when I'm home."

He smiled. "See you."

"See you."

I watched him down the stairs. He looked up at the bottom - uh.

"Bye."

"Bye."

I heard the door close behind him. I ran to the front, got down , and peeked from the corner window. Michael came into view, looked left before crossing. I watched him bounce across the street, his light brown hair blowing in the breeze, my heart bouncing along with him. He looked right and left before taking the steps up to his house. I realized he was going to turn and look. I sat down out of view in time. Sitting down there, wondering when I could look up made me feel trapped. This is how deeply entangled I got with one swing of the bat. Oh my God that took a lot to write. I can't believe what happened to me. But who planned on all these feelings. My heart aches with joy. This is going to be trouble. No, I'll work it out.

May 11th, 1989

The next day I passed Michael in the hall twice. I was floating through the day in a haze. When I saw Michael I looked down, grinning softly. I glanced up to see him smiling at me. I looked down again and passed by. Later he said "hi" to me so I said, "hello Michael," as seriously as I could.

At three I saw his head come down the driveway. I raced to the back door and opened it before he came in the gate. Michael came straight in, closed the door, and reached to embrace me. He kissed me. I held his face between my hands and returned his intense kiss. We stopped, and I drew back. I shuddered, my flesh tinging. He reached for me again. I backed up into the step, sat down, and held up my hand.

"Wait," I said. "I want to talk."

Michael held up his hands like I had a gun. "I can't say I like the sound of that."

"Well, come talk with me and see."

After Michael left the day before- well, not right after. Right after, I lay in bed playing everything over in my head. Allowing myself to be swept up again in the union of Michael and me, the details I mean. Nothing compares with doing it but it was plenty of fun to begin playing it over in my head too.

Then I considered the power of the feelings, overwhelmed. I had been desperately looking for someone to play with; play-get it? The couple in the shower...first of all. I don't know what the scorekeepers decided; probably no. But I feel like I was fucked yesterday, and that Michael is my first. (Then why don't you let him really fuck you today?) Okay, I'm still a virgin. But Michael did...something completely and thoroughly to me. And I was a girl in love, wrapped in his arms in what I now think of as "our shower scene."

I guess I just wasn't made to do so much and not be deeply touched. I had to allow Michael so far in, to do the things we did. I was terrified of needing him, Of being hurt, or hurting him. I had thought so much. I was so prepared for the things that could befall a girl like me, I couldn't possibly just trust my heart with the first boy I let kiss me. Even as awesome, as perfect as Michael treated me; I had come to expect to depend on myself first. Not throw my heart away, as so many do to their peril.

No I, with my...exceptional circumstances,shouldn't add an almost guaranteed heart-break, probably losing him to a...another girl into the bargain, when I could get my Associates Degree maybe, before I risk becoming only half of a thing again. Being at last a whole thing, I was afraid to promptly give it away to someone else. It was a scary proposition.

Michael sat across the kitchen table, listening to my thoughts. I hadn't planned on opening myself at all hardly when I plotted this. Now, second day and I had to tell Michael much of my mind. I talked of how yesterday made me feel, and how I couldn't get that close. We held hands the whole time. Michael frowned, "what are you telling me?"

I shook my head. "I want to just..." I still hadn't really worked it out. Now the paths didn't appear where they had been in my mind last night. "I just want to have some fun. Not get hurt or hurt anyone."

"So you still want to sleep with me?"

"Yes," I said with a smile, "though I wouldn't call it sleep."

He ignored that. "Why can't we go steady? Be public."

"That's...You wouldn't mind?"

"No."

"Still. I'm just..."

"...just playing around, I heard you."

"Yes."

"You want to see several guys."

"NO!"

"So why not go steady? If we're having sex anyway; why do you think other people go steady? You think God calls them to it, or do they want to, as you so subtly put it, fool around?"

I considered. "You're not afraid..."

"...of being seen with one of the prettiest girls in school? No, I'll deal. Listen Jean, I'm no girls fool. I'm just not the kind of guy to be the one to say, 'I love you,' first, whatever girl it is. So I understand protecting one's self. But I don't mind telling you that yesterday morning you were the third or forth prettiest girl in school, and last night, by the time I fell asleep, you were the prettiest girl anywhere."

I could only stare across the table at his unnerving calm face. I'm certain my face said, STOP THAT! But then, to make me a liar, emotion took me and my eyes overflowed. I choked down a half sob, as tears flowed down my face. Michael let go my hand to come around the table but I stopped him with a gesture, (Sit down) He moved back to his seat. (this guy is just awesome, and has great taste in women).

He reached for my hand. When I finished patting my face dry I gave it to him. I was afraid I looked a mess now. I shook my head at him, but I smiled too."Michael, you're perfect. You're gorgeous. I couldn't ask for a better guy. That's part of the problem. I'm afraid I can't keep my feet, and stay casual, you know?"

He shrugged. "Why would you want to? What I just told you wasn't a line." He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm asking you to go out with me." Suddenly Michael jolted. He held a finger up. (Is that we're number one?). He started to speak but stopped. He smiled and stood up. He made a gesture meant to reassure. I must have looked shocked.

"No. Let's do it this way. Jean, I like you. I'm (he melted me, raising his eyes when he said) totally hot for you." Then he looked right at me. "I don't know if you actually like someone else, or maybe, I don't know, something else. I want you to reconsider your thing about just playing around. You think about it and let me know." he looked sharply at me, "I like you, Jean. We don't know each other, I know, but I'm like, the guy who's hot for the girl across the street. I don't have to show you off, it's not that. If you need privacy, okay," he shrugged, "if you like me, not just to play. I hope you call."

I was so stunned, he was at the door before I almost called out to him, but something stopped me. What had he realized? He so obviously came to some realization. And then, before he got up he almost spoke but chose not to. What did he think?

Diary I was torn for less than a minute. I wanted him. Specifically him. Michael was awesome. He was right; we didn't know each other. But I was nuts for him physically, and though only twenty, a year older than me, he was awfully mature compared to me.

So it turns out with all my thinking I didn't know a thing. Anyway, I can't seem to control anything. Yesterday was supposed to be just a step. I hoped to blow him a couple of times, and touch myself later remembering. Instead I went completely crazy. Today was supposed to be...I don't know what. But I had no control over this either. My thinking was shown to be completely faulty. I had no idea how to approach this. Michael was a ninja at this compared to me. My observation that, apparently, I couldn't do such things without feeling close, (Ah shithead, maybe it was the guy you were with that made you able to do and feel as you did). I really hadn't known that I was an idiot.

I knew I was going to walk right across the street and tell him. I was terrified of where I was going, and I was turning out to be quite inept, but I was going anyway. I stood up.

I strode across the street like a fashion model, but I climbed his steps with my heart in my throat. I shook my head, rang his bell. I didn't know if his parents were home. I put my hands in my back pockets, then tried crossing them around my breasts, then let them hang casually.

The inward door opened. Michael pushed the outer door. I stepped around glancing past his shoulder. "My parents aren't home," he said tersely.

I made a gesture like (I don't care if your parents are home. I was just looking at the paintings). I looked at him. I wanted to do this just right (not likely).

Michael asked, "Want to come in?"

"I wondered," I said, sincerely, "if you wanted to come out. Talk on the porch. Maybe take a walk together or something." I shrugged. Michael nodded and smiled a little. "Ah, I don't know," he said, "I have dishes to wash."

My eyes and mouth opened, then I laughed. "Oh okay," I turned to go, "I'll see you."

"Wait wait wait wait wait wait," he said, coming outside. We laughed at each other. He joined me at the top of the stairs. I reached out my hand, and he took it. I squeezed it to answer any question my smiling eyes hadn't already done. I floated down the stairs tingling with nerves and excitement. On the sidewalk we looked at each other. Michael turned me, wrapped his arms around me and we swayed a little, back and forth. "I'm scared." I whispered, looking at him."Okay? But I'd love it if you were my boyfriend, and I was your girl."

May 27th, 1989

Diary, I can't tell you how I feel. Things are so good. I haven't even wanted to write. I've been too busy spending time with Michael. At night I'm dreaming myself to sleep thinking about Michael. And these feelings are too beautiful for you. I just made myself write tonight to note that I'm going to go all the way with him tomorrow. I just love him. I'm trying to go slow. I know it's only weeks but I actually love him. I can't wait. I have to have him. I'm dying to, and I know Michael wants to very much.

Michael is so funny. He didn't pressure me but He'd say, "So if I can't fuck you,

you have to at least let me tell you how bad I want to fuck you."

"So in the middle of a discussion about...Dinosaurs you'll switch to fucking."

"No, no. It can be a separate discussion. I could announce we're about to talk about it. And I don't want to talk about fucking. I want to tell you what it will be like when I fuck you."

So I've known for a couple of days, tomorrow when Michael comes home we go out. My parents will be gone. I have a surprise for him. I can't wait. I'm so excited I've hardly been able to eat. I can't promise you I'll write about it tomorrow. In fact I doubt it. I'll catch you up soon. Wish me luck.