Jetsam

"Mm. Yeah, it makes a lovely change for me. Most mornings I wake up, and if it's been... questionable... I will end up washing off the previous night's... lapses, and then it's workouts and work and another lovely day of other people's problems."

"Washing off lapses... what do you... oh. Oh. Eeuw," she added, with a full-body shudder.

"It's self-destructive, I know. And I'm not proud," I muttered. "But I'll take what little is on offer to me. I don't cope well with too much time by myself, these days. I need... I need to be touched," I sighed.

She glanced away and shifted her weight against the counter. "Mm. Planning on behaving like that here?"

"No. Different environment. Here I don't hate the space I'm in. Here, I... I don't have to hide from anything. Or anyone. Here... I'm lonely but not desperate to escape."

"You'd need to head to Bournemouth or Exeter for anything approximating the sort of nightlife you're used to, anyway, and getting back home can be an adventure."

"Yeah, I'm okay with staying right here," I said. "I can make my bad decisions here at home with wine and a book and little chance of morning regrets or, worse, lingering gifts. And I think that's a far healthier space to be in right now."

"And here you've got company," she added, softly. She finished her coffee. "Right. I've got to get going."

"Ok. So shall I come find you later?"

"I'd like that," she sighed.

"Ashleigh? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just... I was just thinking that it would be nice to just pull that chair out next to you and sit down and not have to rush off, is all. It's strange, but you... you give me a safe space where I feel like... like I can drop my walls a bit. A space where I can breathe..."

I made the offer without thinking.

"If you like... I can lay in stuff for supper tonight. If you'd like to come by again? I'll cook roast or something. What do you say?"

She smiled like sunrise. "I'd... wow. I'd really appreciate that, Kells. Home is stifling at the moment. That's part of why I was out last night; I was waiting for everyone else to go to bed so I didn't have to talk to any of them. God, that would be marvellous."

"Right, it's a date then. Bring some sleeping clothes and so on as well because you'll likely end up spending the night again anyway. That's a standing offer, by the way."

"Are... you sure?"

"Of course!" I stood, and drained my coffee. "Come, I'll walk you out."

I hugged her once, hard, and she buried her face briefly in my hair. Then she gently freed herself and climbed into her car.

"Thanks, Kells," she said softly as she glanced up at me. "You're a godsend." She turned her key and Smelly Car rattled into life. "I'll see you later?"

"Absolutely. Looking forward to it."

I stood waving until she'd turned the corner at the bottom of the lane.

.:.

"Oh my fucking God, that was a long one," she sighed as she leaned back into the Mini's passenger seat. She rubbed her neck and winced. "Glad that's over with. I can't believe the nerve of that bitch Vanessa, swanning in at two. Thanks for keeping me company, Kells. You might want to open the windows; I reek."

"Why do you do it if you don't enjoy it?" I said. I fastened my seatbelt and pressed the starter button.

"It's a moral obligation for me," she said. "The RNLI saved my life when I was young and stupid. So this is something I've got to do to balance the books. And besides, mostly it's fine - I actually enjoy sweeping the boathouse and helping work on the boats and cleaning the gear. And I really love the other volunteers. Well," she added, narrowing her eyes, "make that most of them. But the fundraising bit really sucks."

"Mm. That Vanessa woman seemed nice enough..."

"She's an absolute cunt," Ashleigh said with venom. "She'll be sweet and kind to your face and stab you in the back without a second thought. Stay away from her. She's trouble."

"Avoid the deadly noxious back-stabby bitch. Got it."

Ashleigh snorted.

I backed the Mini out of the bay. We nosed out into the road and turned for home. "I got us a roast chicken and all the accompanying goodies for dinner," I said.

"Oh my God, I may actually kiss your feet. That is so evil of you, and I absolutely shouldn't, but I promise to enjoy every bit of it. Please tell me there are spuds."

"There are potatoes, yes."

"I think I may love you."

I laughed, flushing. "Don't thank me until it's done, I haven't cooked a roast in a while so it might class as experimental. Where did you park your car?"

"Home. Got a lift here with a friend. Do you want to drop me off so I can grab it?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly, I'll drive you wherever you need to go tomorrow. I enjoy it. Driving, I mean. With you," I finished, flustered at how tongue tied such a simple sentence made me sound.

"You sure?"

"Yes! And now I'm abducting you for the evening. No complaints now."

"Wouldn't even dream of it," she answered. I glanced at her and approved of her happy smile. "Want to turn left up ahead?" she suggested. "It's a lot more scenic than the main road. Seems a shame to miss out on the chance to enjoy it with you given nothing is chasing us..."

I indicated and made the turn, and I grinned at the happy sigh she let out beside me.

It was late afternoon, and the evening promised to be clear again.

She slumped down with her head turned to the window, watching the sea as it flashed in and out of view behind hedges, trees and the distant curve of a headland.

I watched the road and stole occasional glances at her, but left her to her thoughts until we got home.

I let her hop out at the gate, then I reversed backwards until the car was almost kissing the stonework of the wall.

"You're cutting it fine there," she commented as I clambered out. "I doubt I could fit a sheet of paper in there. You'd better hope your cottage doesn't sneeze or settle overnight."

"Paint's there to tell me a road is too narrow," I retorted with a grin. I eased past her and unlocked the door. "You know the drill," I called as I made for the kitchen and turned on the oven. "Make yourself at home. Oh, and pick us a wine will you? I made sure that there's a selection this time."

She dumped her bag in the bedroom and stuck her head back through the doorway. "Hey, Kells? Mind if I take a shower?"

"Of course not! Go ahead, anything in there is fair game. You got some clean clothes?"

"No... I forgot. I just brought sleeping things."

"Well, if you're ok with wearing my stuff I can probably find you a vest at least."

"I'd appreciate that. Ugh, this shirt is rank. I should burn it and spare humanity the horror."

I dug into my cupboard. "Here," I said, handing her my favourite - a navy cotton vee-neck with white trim. "It will be a bit tight, I'm afraid."

"It's perfect, thanks."

She closed the bathroom door behind her, and I heard her turn on the water. "You've got an entire soap factory here," she called. "I feel positively rural."

"The green one is lovely. It's juniper and something or other, will make you smell like a gin and tonic."

"Now that's talking my language. Oh... wow, you weren't kidding about that."

She turned on the water.

"It's my favourite," I shouted. "Enjoy it!"

"I plan to!"

.:.

I sipped my glass of wine and stared out over my hedge at the distant horizon.

"Kelly?"

"Here," I called. "Your glass is on the table."

She emerged, and I turned, paused, then grinned wolfishly. "Oh dear. Sorry, yeah, that shirt is very tight on you. You look amazing in it though, that colour was made for you."

"Navy shirt, navy girl, so it makes sense. It's like a second skin," she said, flushing. "And... well, as you can see, I forgot to pack a clean bra, so I'm afraid the twins are going to get an airing."

"Gosh, you look unbelievable," I said. "The men must stack up in a holding pattern for you."

She made a face. "Meh. What are you doing?"

"Watching the skyline, ignoring the weeds, drinking. I've banged supper in the oven, it will be ready in an hour and a bit I guess."

"That is perfect. I feel like I could eat a horse."

She came and stood next to me, and I shivered as she lightly brushed my back with her fingertips. "Thanks for this, Kells," she said. "I don't think you understand what a relief it is to be here tonight with you."

I turned, glanced up at her. "What's going on, Ashleigh?"

"You may as well call me Ash, you know. Everyone else does."

"Do you want me to?"

"It will do for now," she sighed. She put her wineglass down on the rim of a garden pot and stretched her arms up and behind her. I tried not to stare; I looked away quickly and sipped my wine to compose myself. For a moment I'd caught myself wondering what she...

I shuddered, and slammed the door hard on that line of thought.

"My dad disapproves of many of my... life choices," she softly continued. "And given that I'm living at home at the moment that kind of makes things a bit... fraught. My dad was twenty when he and mum got married, so I get it with spades from him. 'Why haven't you settled down? Why aren't you married? We were by this age.' Blah blah blah. It's exhausting."

"I wish that generation would realise that things have changed," I said, bitterly. "My mum used to constantly yap at me about my relationship with Peter."

"Peter?"

"The adulterous prick formerly known as my husband."

"And... used to?" she asked as she touched my arm.

"Yeah, Mum's long gone now. Fortunately before the whole divorce and everything that came with it, it would have broken her heart. She worshipped Peter. I think she'd have chosen him over me if the chips were down."

"Wow."

"Yeah, we had a... strained relationship. She didn't understand why I chased my career so hard. And she never stopped pushing for grandkids."

"But... you said..."

"Logic doesn't come into it, I'm afraid," I sighed. "She had this whole idea that if I simply stopped being so 'difficult' and 'selfish' then everything downstairs would magically start working again. I think it was some form of dementia. It was a mercy, really, when she went."

"I'm sorry," she said. She put her arm around me and squeezed me. "It sounds like it's been rough."

"Yeah, it wasn't much fun. But hey, I lived, and I'm still standing. Hah! On that note, I'm going to segue into the fact that I bought some actual garden chairs for us this morning."

"Oh wow. Please tell me they recline."

"Not only do they recline, they have actual cushions."

"You are now the goddess of my own personal religion."

"Mm. I like that idea. Let's set them up and get comfortable; we've got a long night ahead of us."

She unfolded hers. "Do we have snacks?"

"Does a fox do his business in the woods?" I asked her, amused that she'd even thought of doubting me.

"I mean, I presume so, but I've never stopped to ask one." She sat down and leaned back, and my teeshirt clung to her amazing breasts and rode up high over her firm, flat stomach.

"God, Ashleigh, you are a stunning woman," I said artlessly, staring down at her.

She flushed pink. "Thanks," she murmured, as she tugged the shirt down.

"Sorry, it's just... I can't help but think of the carnage I'd cause daily if I looked as good as you do. And how much trouble I'd be in literally all the time."

"You look great too, you know," she said softly. Then she met my stare. "You just refuse to admit it."

"You're delusional," I said, with an indulgent smile. "Either that or you've been hitting the wine on the sly. I'm skinny and mousy and out of proportion and nothing to write home about. I got it from the mouth of the prick himself so it must be true."

She sighed and looked away. I noticed that she was clenching her jaw.

"Snacks?" she suggested softly, after a moment.

"Coming right up, babes."

.:.

"Shall I do the dishes for us?"

"Don't be silly, that's Hungover Kelly's job. Your present job is to help Merry Kelly drink."

"You cook really nicely, you know."

"I think we got lucky, I doubt I could reproduce that under pressure."

"I bet you could. I bet you could do anything you put your mind to."

I glanced over at her. "You sound down. What's wrong?"

"... mostly just tired, I think. But it's more than that. I wish I had it as together as you do."

"I guess I fake it well, then, because I feel like a rat in a mad scientist's experiment."

"I don't feel like having this argument with you again, so I'm simply going to declare myself victor."

"By whose authority!" I protested.

"Mine," she said, with a grin. Then her smile faded. "I'd give a lot to have this - this space that you're busy making for yourself here. And... and your strength. You're reinventing yourself without even seeming to notice it - most people lack the ability to change at all."

"I don't feel special. And I don't feel like I had a choice - it was sink or swim, Ash. And... this conversation is flirting dangerously with seriousness."

"Sorry. I guess... I warned you that being in this space - with you - made me feel like I could let my walls down."

I sat up and crossed my legs, then spun so that I could watch her. She was staring up at the purpling sky above us, where the first few stars of evening were starting to glitter.

"Tell me what's on your mind," I said. "I know we've only just met, but I feel like I have a real connection to you, and people who are close to one another should reach out when they need to. Or... or so I've heard, anyway."

"I've heard that too, so it must be something that happens. I've never really felt close enough to anyone to test the theory though."

"What? Surely... what about your partners?"

"What about them?"

"Surely they cared for you... supported you, listened to you? At least somewhat?"

"I treated them as disposable items of sexual gratification because I was too scared to let them see the real me."

She took a large gulp of her wine. Her hand shook, and she clamped her second hand around the first.

"Oh Ash. Surely not. You? Scared?" I said, incredulous. "That doesn't seem like you. You're courageous, gorgeous..."

"And underneath all that there's a thirteen year old who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. And wishes she could just be normal," she whispered.

"Nobody's normal. Normal's the average of all our individual weirdnesses and insecurities. Normal's a lie we tell ourselves."

"Do you really think that? It seems... convenient."

"Sweetie, some day I'll tell you all the shit that goes round and round in my head on a day to day basis. You'll feel all wonderful and well-adjusted once I'm done."

"Maybe you should," she agreed, softly. "It would make a nice change."

"Anyway," I continued, "you're far too awesome to ever aspire to be normal."

"That's the wine talking, I suspect".

I leaned forward and glared at her. "Oi. The wine might be greasing the gears a bit but it's not changing the fact that you offered me the most precious thing in the world - your time and your companionship. I was completely and utterly alone. Now, because of you, I'm not. Now, because you reached out to me, I have someone to be like this with. You don't get to talk yourself down, I simply won't permit it."

She stared at me. "Is that your manager voice?" she said, after a moment. "It's... quite intimidating. Um."

"It... might have been," I admitted. "But it pissed me off to hear you putting yourself down like that."

"So why do you do it then? To yourself, I mean," she added, staring back at me, defiant.

I couldn't hold her gaze. I turned, looked up at the sky and mulled that one over for a while.

She had a point.

"Because, deep down, I think that I don't believe I deserve any of this." I said.

"I just really wish you'd stop is all. You're really nice. You're really kind. And so sweet and gentle. And lovely. I wish more people were... like you."

I could feel the blush creeping up my throat and cheeks. I stretched out my legs, and amused myself by drawing circles with my foot as I mulled her words. "You're biassed," I said softly.

"No," she said, quiet and final. She clenched her jaw again, and something warned me to drop it.

"There's more that's bugging you. Spill it." I said, after I'd watched her for a while.

"Mm."

"Go on. You'll feel better," I cajoled her.

"I'm... still livid at Vanessa. She said she'd be there. That selfish witch. I can't believe she did that to me. To... us."

"I didn't mind. Look at it this way, I got to spend a morning in the sun chatting with you."

"We could have spent that time on the beach, or walking, or doing something meaningful with what little time you get to have here..."

"You were doing something meaningful. I was just your entourage," I said, grinning. "Your chorus line."

"You're a great chorus line," she whispered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," she said quickly. "Is there more wine?"

"Not open. Shall I open it?"

"Maybe. Or maybe we should just get blankets and not get too silly. That's probably wiser..." She yawned. "Wow. Excuse me. That came out of nowhere."

"It's Sunday tomorrow. Got anywhere to be?" I asked.

"No."

"Neither do I until I leave. We don't need to be wise."

She sighed. "I wish you weren't. Leaving, I mean. I've enjoyed these two weekends. I've... they... they've made everything far nicer. I've had something to look forward to since... since I met you..."

"Yeah. They have been so much better," I agreed. "Chance, luck or fate. I hope it was fate that we met."

She looked away.

.:.

"I'm going to shower," I called to her. "You ok brewing the coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll try not to set myself on fire."

"Please don't, the hedge submitted a written complaint to the forestry commission last time I fed it cinders."

I heard her laughing, but her reply was drowned by the hiss of the water. I stripped, groaning as I stretched the kinks out of my back, and stepped carefully into the small enamel bathtub that doubled as my shower. I washed myself free from the grime and sweat of the day (such as it was) and rinsed my hair. I draped my robe loosely around myself, returned to the bedroom and quickly dried my hair with my GHD.

Then I shrugged out of my bathrobe and started to pull on my fleece pyjamas.

"You really should warn me before you wiggle your bum at me," Ash called from the kitchen.

"Shit, sorry, it's a really bad habit from living alone. I'll try not to do it any more."

"No, it's... it's fine, I was just teasing you. You've... um... you've got really nice... arms."

"Push ups," I answered as I buttoned up my top. "My weekday routine of self abuse."

"It shows," she said. "Your body is wonderfully toned."

"Thanks. Aren't you cold?" I asked her as I rejoined her. "You've got goosebumps. And..." I cleared my throat.

"What? Oh. Hah. Yes. I am cold. A bit."

"Didn't you pack a long top?"

"No," she said. "I was really haphazard this morning, for some strange reason."

"Hang on."

I found a generously cut fleece top and handed it to her. She pulled it on, then lifted her hair free of the collar and zipped it up. "Thank you," she said. "You're so organised."

"I don't have a choice. Nobody else will do it for me," I sighed.

"I would..." she whispered.

I smiled at her. "That would be extremely useful if we were room mates, but it's not helpful when I'm in London and you're in the most distant part of the realm."

"It's not that far," she protested. "My geography's not that rubbish, I'll have you know. It's not that far to you."

"I know," I said, "and I appreciate the thought," I added as I smiled up at her. I gently touched her arm and was distracted for a moment by the strange shivery noise she made at my touch.

She really was a beautiful woman...

"Kells? Here's yours," she said, touching a cup. She yawned, caught herself, and covered her mouth. "Ugh. Sorry. The day is catching up on me. Too much fresh air."