Jetsam

I slipped into the gap next to her and reached for the milk. I was just about to pick it up when she leaned in and touched her face to my temple. I froze, taken aback by the strange jolt that ran up my spine as she exhaled over my cheek... my shoulder... the nape of my neck...

"Gosh, you smell so nice," she whispered. Then she jerked, almost spilling scalding coffee on her hand. "Shit," she said. "Sorry. I'm so tired that my brain is freewheeling and the mouth and body are on autopilot. Sorry. That was dumb. And creepy. Sorry."

I pushed my cup aside and stared up at her. I reached out, cupped her cheek, turned her face gently to me. I stared up at her, noting the signs of exhaustion and kicking myself for not seeing them sooner.

"You look tired and sound... wrecked. Ash... be honest with me now. How much have you been sleeping recently?"

"Not much. Two or three hours a night."

"Since..."

"A month. Maybe two."

"Jesus! You must be running on fumes! I think you should skip that coffee. Have a glass of water instead and we'll get you into bed, yeah?"

"Ok."

She yawned again. "You make me feel so safe," she mumbled. "It's so nice. Like I can finally relax. So now I'm falling apart because I feel like I can just float away when I'm here with you. Your hand is so warm," she added, reaching for it and taking it in her own cool fingers.

"You're totally safe here. I promise," I managed. I got a grip on myself. I took her arm and steered her into the bedroom. I pulled the covers back and helped her slide in. "Can you help me take the fleece off?" she muttered. "Will get a bit too hot otherwise."

"Sure, sweetie." I unzipped it and helped her ease one and then the other arm out. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight, then let go and slumped back. "Thanks for letting me stay again," she whispered. "Your bed is so nice. Smells so nice too. Just like you."

"Of course, Ash. Go to sleep. I'll lock up and douse the lights."

I tucked her in, killed the main lights, and quickly made sure all the doors and windows were closed. She'd rolled onto her side and was already out.

That had been a spectacular crash and burn, I thought. I sighed. Poor thing.

From what she'd let slip she was struggling desperately to make a place in the world.

As was I.

I slipped into bed beside her and spent a moment or two staring at her face in the faint moonlight that leaked around the curtains.

I felt no aching emptiness around her; no need to scrabble for whatever passing crumbs of affection were flung my way. Around her, I was content just being... me.

Strange how fond I'd grown of her in such a short space of time.

I leaned in, and gently kissed her cheek. She made a noise, frowned, then relaxed again. I brushed her hair away from her eyes and mouth, rolled away and hunted for a comfortable position.

"Sleep well, Ash," I whispered.

.:.

I woke to a subtle strangeness.

Ash was snuggled in behind me, and her breath was warm on my neck.

But that wasn't it.

I could feel the firm swell of her breasts against my back.

But that wasn't it either...

I flushed when I realised that my nipples were hard.

But that, while embarrassing, wasn't it...

Then, aghast, I realised that the crotch of my pyjamas was soaked.

My vest had shifted in sleep and her warm hand cupped my bare belly; it was this strange gentle pressure of her skin on mine that had intruded on my dreams and woken me into this awkward hell.

My body had responded to touch in its usual deprived manner - complete surrender - and I took a agonisingly slow breath as I squeezed my legs against the familiar hollow ache deep in me.

"Shit." I whispered.

I was burning up.

Ash made a small noise and shifted, and I froze as her hand shifted lower, coming finally to rest on my thigh.

Goosebumps spread like frost over my shoulders. Each breath she took tickled over my neck and throat like the loving ministrations of the world's most attentive torturer.

I was aching, and I was ashamed of my body's shameless response to her entirely innocent need for comfort.

But my body didn't give a fig about shame. My body wanted... my body craved...

Ash exhaled again, and I bit my lip as I tried not to moan.

God, I was so horny. Her fingertips were dead-centre on one of my most sensitive erogenous zones, and it was killing me.

This was so unfair. There was no way I'd be able to free myself without waking her. And I couldn't face her, not like this. She'd know something was up. She'd smell it, for Christ's sake.

She'd know.

But there was no way I'd fall asleep again. I knew myself too well. I'd lie here, watching the world lighten, unable to escape, slowly going crazy, and I'd be unable to concentrate at all until I was able to deal with... my need.

I cursed myself and my stupid libido.

Maybe if I was very careful...

No, Kelly. No. That's not even an option. We are not going there.

Ash groaned softly and shifted against me, and I whimpered deep in my throat as I felt her press her thigh up against mine.

Her body was so warm. I could imagine what it would feel like under my fingertips... under my tongue...

I ground my teeth together.

I could feel those marvellous breasts against me. I could feel the slight bumps of her nipples. I could practically see them in my mind's eye. Pink. Perfect. Jutting temptingly proud of...

This was ridiculous. I could not remember ever being this wet or aroused, ever.

I wanted to touch her. I wanted her. And that entirely foreign, alien desire didn't bug me at all.

In fact, the realisation that I'd quite readily climb onto her and proceed to shag her silly simply made things a million times worse for me.

My stomach spasmed once.

"Fuck," I whimpered as I shivered.

I had to do something. There was no option. I had to do it or I would scream. It would get worse and worse and...

My right hand was free.

I could use it. I could reach over her hand without disturbing her. Yes. I could do that. Brilliant idea.And likely the only viable option for... release.

I slid my hand slowly to myself. I reached under my waistband and found myself. I took a shuddering breath as I slid my fingertip between my labia, biting hard on my lip to try to stifle the low moan that I couldn't quite silence.

My clit was hard, engorged, and ridiculously slick under my fingers. My pussy was soaked. I shifted my middle finger to my clit so the others could slide along my bare lips as I teased myself. I moved my free leg to angle my hips and open myself a bit, and reached further, increased the length of my strokes, teasing down and into to my aching entrance with each one. I knew my body, and I knew it wouldn't take much of this, and that I would have to bite down hard not to make any noise as I came...

God it was hot. And wrong. And so hot. And so wrong. I could feel her breasts and stomach against me, pushing against me with every breath.

It was so wicked, so delightfully furtive...

I was getting so close.

She felt so right against me.

I tried to be quiet. I tried to control the panting, to breathe slow and deep.

I was so hot, and aching, and so desperate.

I wished she was awake.

I wished she was touching me.

I wished... I wished...

I arched back against the warm wonderful yielding pressure of her body. My belly cramped, cramped again. I felt my legs shaking as the first contractions started...

I let out a quiet gasp, a low moan deep in my throat.

My body shuddered.

"Kelly?" she slurred. She shifted, lifted her head slightly. "What..."

I convulsed, crying out, then grunting harsh and deep in my throat with each aching throbbing contraction in my belly, too shocked and mortified to respond, unable in fact to do anything until the traitorous spasms of my utterly delicious orgasm had quite burned away.

.:.

I sat, clutching myself, rocking back and forward on the freezing toilet where I'd stumbled to die of shame the moment my legs had been able to carry me.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I whispered. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck! You stupid tart. Fuck!"

Rage at my stupid senselessness burned white hot in me.

She'd leave. She was probably already packing her bag.

She'd probably already called a taxi.

I'd never see her again...

I swallowed a sob.

A gentle knock at the bathroom door.

"Kelly? Um... are... are you ok?"

"No," I gulped.

"Do you... um... do you want to talk?"

I shuddered.

"Kelly? Come on. Come out. Come out or... or I'm going to come in."

She paused a moment. "Ok. That's it. I'm coming in..."

The door creaked open. I turned away, burying my flaming face in my hands.

"Hey," she breathed, as she stuck her head around the door. "Oh... no, Kells. No. Don't do that. Come on, come back to bed, it's freezing here. You'll freeze. Come on."

"I'm sorry, Ash, I'm so sorry. Jesus I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what came over me. I'm so sorry. That was so wrong of me..." I stammered.

I felt her wrap her arms around me and I curled in on myself.

"Shush. It's fine. I don't mind, Kells. It's fine. It really is. Come on. Breathe. Just breathe. You're ok. Just breathe."

I swallowed, coughed, swallowed again.

"I'm such an idiot," I coughed. "So stupid. Jesus. I'm sorry."

"No. You're not an idiot. Come on. It's freezing."

She put her arms under mine and gently, inexorably, pulled me to my feet. She steered me back to bed, then pushed me down onto the mattress. I curled up tightly as she crawled in beside me and pulled the blankets back from where I'd kicked them in my panic.

I was shivering; she slid in closer to me to try to warm me up and calm me down.

"Come on," she said. She gently rubbed my back. "Talk to me."

"I'm ashamed. Of that. I can't believe I did that."

"Kells, it's natural. Everyone does it."

"In private. Not like that."

"Sometimes they do."

"I'm not an exhibitionist. I'm not that kind of person. I can't believe I did that! To you!"

"Shh. Calm down. Breathe. You weren't being one. You thought I was asleep. I was asleep. I think it was only the... end... that I woke up for. And it's not like I saw anything, you know. I don't know why you're so stressed about it. It really doesn't bother me. "

"You... you don't mind?"

"Of course I don't."

"I was in your arms, Ash, I was... I was..."

"That's no crime. Not the last time I checked, anyway."

She found my hand and held it loosely in hers. I found the gentle touch of her fingers strangely soothing. I took a shuddering breath. And then another.

We lay in silence.

"Was I any good at least?" she said, suddenly.

I started to laugh.

I pulled my pillow over my face and squealed into it, stomach burning, shaking, tension blowing away like smoke and leaving me weak and giddy with tears of laughter drawing lines down my cheeks.

She was shaking silently next to me. As I calmed and got myself under control, I rolled over to face her.

"Thank you," I whispered when I could. "I needed that. Oh God."

"Which bit?"

"Stop. Stop. I'm going to wee on us if you make me laugh more. Please. I surrender."

Her teeth flashed white as she grinned at me. "So... are you going to tell me what caused that?"

"Oh God, no, Ash! I can't..."

"No. I want to know, and you know that you owe me an explanation. So confess, woman. Confess!"

I took a breath, fought for calm.

"You were spooning me. And... and my shirt had shifted, and your hand was on my tummy... and then on my hip, and I could feel your... your breasts against me... and I was in this lethargic state, and warm, and safe, and it was just so... so nice to be held like that by you... and something about all of that must have triggered something. Because I woke up... drenched. And unbelievably... um... yeah. Stupidly so. Like... crawling up walls, shag whatever moves... and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. And I was desperate not to wake you. So I was just trying to... to deal with it as quietly as possible... and... and... oh my God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it was so good, so good..." I finished with a breathy little shudder.

"Mm. Sounds to me like you needed it," she whispered.

"Uh huh."

"Well, so long as you had fun."

"Ash... aren't... why doesn't this bother you?"

"Should it?"

"I feel like it should to some degree..."

"Would you have preferred it if I was awake?"

"What?"

"I'm just trying to get to the core of why you're so worked up about this."

"I don't do things like this. I'm not that sort of girl."

She shifted, and I swallowed as her leg brushed against mine.

"Clearly some part of you is. And in my opinion it's nothing to be ashamed of. You weren't trying to get caught. It's not your fault I woke up. So you're going to have to just live with the guilt, because I sure won't let it keep me up at night." She sighed. "That said, though, sadly now I'm awake and probably won't get back to sleep any time soon."

"Sorry. I really was desperately trying to be quiet," I whispered, flushing hot. "I really tried."

"Uh huh. Clearly not very hard," she said, and I could hear the smile. "It's not... well, actually, I guess it is kind of your fault. You hussy."

I squeezed my eyes closed, then squeaked as she moved against me and wrapped her arm around me.

"Tell me if you need me to leave a gap," she whispered. "It's just really nice having someone to hold for once."

I shivered. I could feel the pressure of her body against me, and it was sublime.

I made a small noise and squirmed.

"Kelly? What was that?"

"You feel so nice," I whispered. "God, I don't know what it is, but you... you smell so nice. It's so good to be held by you. It's... oh God it's so nice. But... Ash, it's... it's making me very... uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable... how?"

"You know very well how," I whimpered as I squirmed again. I rolled onto my back and lifted my knees, bouncing a leg to try to distract myself. "God, what the hell is going on with me tonight, it's never this bad, it's like I'm wired up to the mains or something..."

"Afterglow and my magnetic charm," she breathed, and laughed into my neck as I reached over and smacked where I thought her bum would be.

"It's not funny," I hissed. "It's not funny to mock me. This is really embarrassing, Ash!"

"I'm not mocking. I'm amused. And maybe... a bit flattered? In my view it's nothing to be upset or embarrassed about. Your body is just expressing itself. It does, however, raise other... things..." she added softly.

"What do you mean? What things? Ash?"

"Stuff I've been trying to... keep at arms length," she said. Her voice had changed; I stared at her, trying to work out what she was saying.

"Ash, you're talking in riddles. I'm strung out... and stressed and stupid... and I really don't understand what you're trying to tell me right now."

"You're not the only one who feels warm and safe and... everything that came with that."

I swallowed. I thought I got the gist of what she was trying to tell me.

"Um. I can go... somewhere... if you want some privacy. Um..."

"That's... that's not what I'm talking about, Kelly. Not the... important part of it, anyway."

"Um... then... then what..." I flailed.

"Never mind," she whispered. I felt her sigh.

"No. Please... please tell me, Ash? Tell me what it is. You have to tell me, come on, you can't do that. That's not fair. You can't start a conversation that sounds so serious and then say never mind. Now I'm going to worry all night..."

She lay still, eyes closed, hardly breathing.

"Ash? Please," I begged her. "Please. Just tell me whatever it is. It can't be as bad as you think it is. Please."

She took a shuddering breath, and let it all out in a rush. "I want to be in your arms."

My heart lurched. "What?" I managed.

"I want you to wrap me in those strong arms of yours. I want you to hold me tight, and not let go. I want to feel you against me. I want... I want..."

She opened her eyes and stared at me. "I want to be wanted. By you," she finished, voice crackling with something that sounded horribly like despair.

She let me go and rolled away from me.

I stared at her back, at the way she clasped her arms to herself and curled her legs up against herself to try to find comfort as my shocked silence stretched out between us.

She wanted me. She wanted me.

She was kind, and strong, and beautiful.

She made me smile, and laugh.

She was someone whose friendship I'd come to cherish.

She made me happy.

She'd just made herself completely vulnerable to me.

And my silence was killing her.

It broke my heart to see her hurting.

Her happiness had somehow become central to my own happiness.

Did it really matter who she was?

Did it really matter who I thought I was?

Did anything actually matter beyond the fact that she was here?

And that all she wanted was me?

And that she'd been brave enough to tell me?

No.

Nothing mattered but that.

Nothing was more important than that.

I threw my arm over her and pulled myself as tightly to her as I possibly could.

I buried my face in her hair, and gasped a shaky breath. I kissed the nape of her neck and she made a weird little sound. She pulled slightly away.

"Kelly," she whispered. "You don't need to do that... I know you're not..."

"I don't know anything any more. You've lit fires in me that I didn't even know existed," I whispered into her ear. "Don't tell me what I need to do. Don't even dare to try to tell me what I am. Roll over. Roll over to me and let me hold you to me."

She didn't move.

"Ash. Ash... what's wrong? Please?"

"I don't want you to do this because I guilted you. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want you to feel obliged..."

"You didn't. I'm not. This... I don't know what it is, but my heart is hammering and I feel young and stupid and alive. I feel alive. When I'm with you," I babbled. "So. So roll over, and let me hold you. Please. I'm... I'm begging you, Ash. Let me. Please," I ended with a desperate whisper.

She sniffed, and I felt her shift as she rubbed at her eyes.

"Oh, Ashleigh," I breathed, heart breaking.

She rolled over and buried her face against me, and I clasped her to me as her walls came tumbling down.

.:.

"So what now," I whispered, some time later.

She lay in my arms, head pillowed on my still-damp shoulder.

"Dunno. Guess that depends on you," she said, soft and hopeless.

"How so?"

She sighed. "You'll probably wake up and this will all be an embarrassment and I'll be inconvenient and you'll pretend it never happened and... well, that will be that."

"I really do doubt that, Ashleigh."

She brushed at her eyes, and then put her arm back around me. She sniffed. "Have you ever been with... a girl? Ever? Or even thought of it?"

"No."

"See?" she sighed as she buried her face against me once more. "This is a dream. It's not real."

"That's not fair, Ash. I've never met a woman like you before. Had you ever been with anyone before your first time?"

She was silent for a moment. "No."

"See? That's my point. Yes, I've fucked an awful lot of men. And yes, I will be the first to admit that it's extremely nice to have a penis sunk in me. But... clearly my view of who... or what... I am is... changing." I said. "Maybe I was... open to this but just never met the right person. Maybe it's you who's changed me. All I'm sure of right now is that this little bit of time I've had with you has been some of my happiest. You... you're important to me. Your happiness matters to me. You matter. And... and I'm... attracted to you, and I really like you... and I can't think why that shouldn't be enough for... for us to build something on."