Joan of Snark Ch. 10

"And did he ... uh ... take you up on your offer?"

"Yeah," Joan whispered.

"What exactly did the two of you do?"

"Mr. Selter ... uh ... went down on me," Joan said in a voice that was almost inaudible.

"I'm sorry, Joan. I couldn't quite hear what you said. Could you please repeat that?" Father Ben asked with a hint of amusement.

"My teacher ... he ... he ... went down on me." Joan's voice trembled as she made the humiliating admission.

"Your biology teacher went down on you?"

"Yes," Joan confirmed.

"Your teacher performed oral sex on you?" Father Ben said, asking for unnecessary clarification.

Joan lowered her gaze and nodded.

"You let your teacher eat your pussy?" the cleric gratuitously questioned.

"I already told you, 'yes,'" Joan replied with both annoyance and embarrassment.

"Well, obviously you shouldn't be trying to seduce your teacher. And you're not a little girl anymore. You're eighteen and an adult. You should know better. But your teacher is in a position of authority. I would say he's more at fault than you."

"But I initiated it. I came onto him," Joan guiltily lamented.

"That's true. But your teacher is an authority figure. He should have told you, 'no.' You were wrong to have hit on him. But he's more wrong for giving into temptation," Father Ben said decisively. Then, narrowing his gaze, the priest asked, "After he performed cunnilingus on you, then what did the two of you do?"

Joan's blush deepened upon hearing Father Ben's graphic language. "We didn't do anything else after that," she answered truthfully.

"Really," he asked skeptically.

"We probably would have done ... more. But we were ... uh ... interrupted."

"Interrupted?" Father Ben's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"A boy from my biology class walked in on us, so we had to stop."

"Your classmate caught you? That must have been embarrassing," the priest mused with a smile.

Joan did not reply. She simply sat there mortified as she recalled the events from earlier that day.

"So your teacher didn't penetrate you?" he asked.

Joan winced at the invasive personal question. She shook her head no.

"So you're still a virgin," Father Ben concluded.

Joan nodded her head in affirmation.

"Well, at least certain lines weren't crossed," the priest said positively. "You still have your virginity intact."

Joan looked up at the clergyman and narrowed her gaze. "Why is that a good thing?"

"Joan, do you really want your first time to be with your high school biology teacher?"

"No, I guess not," Joan conceded. "But then why did I come onto him?" Joan asked. "It was like I couldn't stop myself. I knew it was wrong. But I tried to seduce him anyway. Do you see what I mean? I'm not in control of my own actions, Father. I think ... I think ... there's something evil inside of me. And it's making me do these terrible things."

"Joan, you don't honestly believe ..."

"I need an exorcism, Father!" Joan blurted out. "Whatever's inside of me ... I need to get it out. NOW!"

"Joan, don't be ridiculous. You're a hormonal teenage girl. You don't need an exorcism. You were just exploring your sexuality. It's completely normal and natural for you to want to experience certain things. You were just sexually experimenting."

"With my biology teacher?"

"Choose a more appropriate partner next time," he casually replied.

"Father, I don't think it's a coincidence that I had that nightmare last night. And then today I did those bad things. Please Father, help me!"

"Joan, you told me that you're an atheist," Father Ben said with an incredulous laugh. "You're the last person who should be asking for an exorcism."

"But YOU aren't an atheist," she countered. "You believe in God. Which means that you also believe in Satan. And demons. Why can't you at least entertain the idea that I might possibly be possessed?"

"Joan, you're not possessed by a demon," he asserted.

"How do you know?" she challenged.

"I know because I know," he said simply. "Most people who claim to suffer from demonic possession are simply experiencing psychological problems."

"'Most people?'" Joan quoted the priest with an arched eyebrow.

"Yes, Joan. 'Most people.' And trust me, you are part of that majority. You are not the exception in this case."

"What if you're wrong, Father?"

"Joan, even if you were possessed by a demon, I am not permitted by the Catholic Church to do anything about it. Not every priest is an exorcist, you know. I'd have to undergo extremely extensive and specialized training before the church would let me perform such duties."

"You must know some priests who are exorcists. Can't we contact one of them?"

Father Ben looked at the girl sitting across from him with an affectionate smile. "Joan, you aren't possessed. Undergoing an exorcism wouldn't do anything to help you. The only positive thing you'd possibly get out of it might be the placebo effect."

"Well," Joan said thinking out loud, "if me having an exorcism would only be a placebo, then it wouldn't matter who performed it." She looked over at the handsome young priest with a hopeful pleading expression. "Father please, for my own peace of mind, can't you perform an exorcism on me? Even if it's not a real exorcism. Please! Just to make me feel better."

Father Ben heavily sighed. "Joan, I don't know ..."

"Please Father, I feel like I'm going crazy!" Joan looked at him with desperation. Then a thought suddenly occurred to her. Remembering some of their previous interactions she said, "Come on, it's not exactly like you're a stickler for the rules. Why are you being so strict now?"

The priest chuckled sheepishly, making no attempt to defend his prior actions. "I can't argue with you there, Miss Hubert," he grinned.

"So, will you help me, Father? Will you perform my exorcism?"

Joan studied his face closely as he considered the proposition. He seemed indecisive.

"Please Father! It would just be a placebo," Joan implored.

Father Ben gave her a bemused look. Then reluctantly he said, "Well, if it'll make you feel better and put your mind at ease ..." He paused, clearly uncertain about the whole situation.

"Please Father!" Joan's eyes were wide and round.

Finally the young priest shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "Why the Hell not! One exorcism coming up!"