John and Diane

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John

Ken called and said that Diane's lawyer called him and that she wanted to meet with me before she would agree to sign anything. Damn; I was hoping to avoid another session where Diane professes her love of me but also refusing to give up Tom. We chatted a bit and he basically said that if I were do it, talk to her, that it might speed things along and an hour of inconvenience would be worth it in the long-run to get this done and over. I had a hard time disagreeing so I told him that I would do it.

That night I called Diane and agreed to come over to the house the next night, after the kids were in bed, and we would talk, one final time.

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I pulled in the driveway about nine o'clock. The lights were all on around the house and I sensed that the kids were all up. When I went to the door and pushed the doorbell, the front door opened immediately. I saw the smiling face of Keith.

"DAD!! YOU'RE HOME! GUYS! DAD'S HOME!! GET DOWN HERE!!" He jumped into my arms. My god it felt good to hold him.

The rest of them all came running at me. They grabbed me in a hug and refused to let go. I admit that water was running from my eyes down my face. These are great kids, never mind how screwed up their mother was.

Diane was standing off to the side as I talked to the kids in the kitchen. I went to get a glass of water and then after a few minutes told them to go to bed, "You've got school tomorrow."

After they reluctantly trundled off, I sat at the table.

"So, Diane, what did you want to talk about?"

She looked at me and went to the refrigerator and got a bottle of wine. I noticed that it was unopened. She poured herself a small amount and sat down.

She took a sip. "Are you coming home?"

I answered her question with a question. "What made you think that I was coming home?'

"The kids miss you and need you, John. I miss you and I need you." There was a tone of sincerity there that had been missing a bit from before.

"You had lots of chances to decide what you wanted, who you wanted, a long time ago. You made your decision. Now I made mine. Besides, I'm guessing here but I figure that Tom has pretty much thrown you under the bus and told you that you're on your own here. If he's anything like his father, he's forgetting that he knows you and is busy making sure that Margaret is happy." I took a drink of my water.

Diane looked at the table and then she looked up at me. "John, you're the man that I wanted to marry. You're the man that I wanted to raise our kids. I love you so much, it hurts to see us doing this to each other. Can't we try to move past this. Somehow. We can go to counseling and work on it. I need you, the kids need you, and I know that you need them too."

"Are you done with Tom?"

Diane actually looked me in the eye, "Yes. Yes, I'm done with Tom. I'm done with him." Her voice was quite emphatic.

"Are you still working for the company?"

"I quit my job there and I'm looking for a new one."

That was the first good sign in all of this mess. I took another drink of water.

"John, Dear, I will promise you right now that I will be only yours, only yours, forever."

I sat in my own home with a million thoughts rushing through my head, they were swirling and turning and rushing around. I had to close my eyes and not look at anything. I was dizzy. I couldn't look at Diane just then or even the kitchen where I was. I couldn't even look at he floor. I couldn't think about anything.

I sat with my eyes shut very tight and I was trying not to hear anything. All I could do was feel the emotions running through me. They gripped me and tore at my brain and my heart and everything else. I saw the faces of the four amazing children that I called my own and I saw the face of the woman that had promised me...well, you know. I heard their voices and their laughter and their happiness. Could I give that up?

Where had things gone to hell? Where had my life gotten so fucked up? What was my future? What will my life be like without those that I hold the dearest. I so badly want to rewind the hands of time and make all the pain go away. Can I do it?

What do I do?

Do I stay or do I go?