Just Being Me

I woke to the dawn chorus. The birds happy to have made it through another night were twice their normal volume. As I opened my eyes, I realised that I wasn't in my bed. In my flat the sound of a motorbike or the squealing of the breaks on a bus normally woke me.

I saw through my blurry vision that it was still dark outside. I knew that it would be getting lighter by the minute. So, it must be about 6AM?

I could have reached for my phone, but I didn't want to disturb Ray. That's what I did last night I thought, I finally accepted his invitation to go home for a "coffee".

His arm was wrapped around my hip pulling me into his groin. I could feel his bulge through my slip and knickers. I admit it felt good. He was snoring quietly. He was such a nice guy, I thought I'd let him rest.

I had met him on a dating site a few months before. They are a minefield for a trans woman. I didn't put I was trans on my profile, but always told them I was before a date. I got lots of men who it seemed to be excited to meet me. They just wanted to "fuck a tranny". I was surprised how many talked dirty as soon as they found out. They seem to think trans women want to become trans for sex.

I was 38 before I decided I couldn't live a lie anymore. When I lost both my parents to cancer I decided it probably runs in the family's genes. Now I was alone I had no one to disappoint. It was a major decision, but I had held this inside for my whole life.

After my father died, I had taken over the mortgage payments on the house. His long illness had left us in arrears. Five years later when my mother died, I decided to cut my losses. After the sale I had enough to buy a small bedsit flat in Edmonton north London.

When I moved, I decided that was the time for Jennifer to meet the world. I had visited my doctor six months before. After a lot of awkward questions, he finally referred me to a gender identity clinic. I explained I would come out at work when I moved to another area. He seemed relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with me after I moved out.

The day I moved I threw away all my male clothes except one set. I don't know why I did it. I kept them in a "bug out" bag. I was sure this is what I always wanted though. I just couldn't let go of my last link to my male life.

I had booked a few days off work to settle in, and had made an appointment to see the personnel manager the day I was due to return to work. When I walked in, she didn't recognise me. After my explanation she was stunned. She had been on a course for LGBT, but never thought she would have to deal with it. After a busy day meeting my line manager and our MD, I was assured that it would make no difference to my job.

A general email was sent telling informing everyone of what I was doing. I was to be addressed with she and her pronouns. I knew this was really the beginning of the end. My job involved a lot of client facing sales. I sent emails to my customers and got a few congratulating me, a few sympathising with me. Mostly though there was silence. I think it made them uncomfortable.

Withing a few months my sales figures had suffered, and I got a call from my boss. They gave me a generous redundancy package. I don't think they wanted a trans employee making waves. Bad for the company image.

This gave me the chance to have six months off and get used to being Jennifer. I kept my appointments at my new gp's and the GIC, then began my hormone regime. After a few months I could see the results when I looked at selfies.

My confidence grew as I got less second looks while shopping. After a while I blended in as just another thirty something woman. Even though I was poorer than I had ever been in my life I was happy. I was happy just being me.

After nearly a year my bank account was nearly empty, and I took a job as a care worker. I had applied for sales jobs but never got an interview when they checked with my last employer. I had expected this, so it was no surprise.

My job brought me into contact with lots of different people. Only one of them, an old lady called Lucy seemed to notice I was trans. She was fine with it. She told me she would never have wanted to be a man, so she could understand why I didn't.

I was getting a little bored being on my own, so I tried a few trans dating sites. They were full of guys just wanting free sex and who gave the women very little respect, so that never lasted long. I moved to straight dating sites, but promised myself I would always tell anyone I met that I was trans. I had heard horror stories about what happened when men found out afterwards.

That was how I met Ray. After we chatted over email, I decided to drop the "T" bomb. I expected him to run for the hill just like everyone did. Ray didn't. He told me he felt sorry for me. This angered me and I told him I didn't want his pity. He apologized and said he meant he felt sorry that I had to wait this long to be the person I was inside. He then asked to meet me for a coffee.

After four dates I knew most of what there was to know about him. He was forty-five, his wife had left him because he couldn't father children. This had happened five years before. He had stayed single as it hurt him so much. He understood that his wife had wanted children, but she had said she wanted a "real man" before she left. He was shattered by the whole thing.

We had a lot in common. We both liked 70's and 80's music, Sci-fi and horror films. We just seemed to click. I never thought I would meet anyone like Ray. I have always loved women. I didn't want to be with them though, I wanted to be them.

Ray finally persuaded me to come home with him after our fifth date. We sat close together on his sofa drinking wine and watching Forbidden Planet. He told me that Robby the Robot was one of the most expensive film props made in 1957. I knew this and told him Robby was in Lost in Space "War of the Robots" as a robotoid. He knew that and told me I was a bigger geek than him.

We got into a tickle fight and ended up kissing passionately. His hand cupped and massaged my left breast. My hand went to his crotch. I knew where this was leading. I was scared, but I wanted it. He led me upstairs.

I took my dress off but insisted on keeping my slip and knickers on. He was so very gentle and considerate. He asked permission for everything he did. He understood I was not comfortable with some parts of my body. When he entered me, he did it so slowly it hardly hurt at all. I did not enjoy the physical act, but I enjoyed giving him pleasure with my body. It felt right.

Now it was Sunday morning, and I could feel him moving behind me. I felt his lips kissing the back of my neck.

"What's that for" I said.

"That's for being you, Jenny. I think I may be falling a little in love with you."

I snuggled into him. For the first time in my life I didn't feel alone.

"I think I may be falling a little in love with you too Ray, but only if you get up and make me that coffee you promised me last night."