Karenocracy Pt. 01

"Welcome to the community," a woman cheerily waved while hosing the pretty, purple flowers in her front yard. There was one small patch, sectioned off from the remainder of the garden, which just seemed to be a boring patch of grass without any character or personality.

"Thank you," I said with a smile, before merrily making my way along the sidewalk. As I passed, I made a mental note of surveying all of the decorations she'd adorned her garden with; my own still rather plain considering it had only been a few days since I'd moved in. There were a few hanging baskets and potted plants near the door, and though they were pleasant, it communicated a lack of effort. I was already envisioning the ways in which my own garden would surpass hers. The opportunities were endless, and I was thrilled that I would get to play landscaper in a garden that I could call my own.

Things were so exciting recently, and as I strutted around the gated community, I finally felt like I was exactly where I belonged. The past years had been difficult, working my way up through the corporate ladder while living in a one-bedroom apartment. It had been a struggle, functioning in such cramped quarters, and I had been kind of embarrassed about the tiny size of my apartment. Even with my successful job, I'd refrained from bringing my friends back to my place, because I figured they'd feel the tiny apartment was beneath me.

However, having recently purchased a lovely new home, I now had a house that I could be proud of. I'd moved into a detached, two-floor plot that had its own front and rear yard, lined with a picket fence and a neat driveway to fit a large vehicle, if I'd needed. Along with that, was the benefit of living in such an exclusive community. There was none of the rabble that used to make noises all night long, as occurred in the apartments above and below my previous dwelling. The streets had been immaculate ever since I'd moved in, not a piece of trash in sight and no cars mounted up onto the sidewalk. It was just the kind of organised, clean and prospering neighbourhood that I'd always dreamed of living amongst.

My mother had been over the moon, and had excitedly helped me move in amongst that first week. She'd even given me some ideas about what I could do with the yard, and had purchased me a few decorative items to get me started with making the home my own. An oriental vase was the pride of joy in her own home, and she'd gifted it to me, along with a pedestal so it'd be the first thing anyone saw upon entering. It had the suitable effect, and I'd smile to myself whenever I returned after a long day at work, kicking off my shoes and being greeted by such a warming sight.

Gradually, over the first few days, I'd made the home my own, and it was beginning to reflect my own personality. It felt like I'd finally achieved something significant in my life, that went beyond the usual moments of things like graduation and a career. This was a financial step that I could be truly proud of, especially being a youngish, single woman. Some of my friends were still living with their parents, so for myself to have branched out with such an independent step, well, I was immensely pleased.

The few neighbours I'd crossed paths with so far had been friendly and welcoming. Often, while marching around the facility, I'd be greeted with waves and no one at all seemed hostile or unfriendly. My next-door neighbours, a youngish couple, had offered me smiles while watching my mother and myself move everything in. They'd even helped us lug a few boxes and I was already looking forward to the inevitable budding friendship we'd no doubt have. Things were on the up and I was so excited for what lay ahead of this important marker in my life.

About a week after I'd received the keys, and moved most of my things in, I'd been surveying my garden and considering what to do. All sorts of ideas were floating around, most of which revolved around garden ornaments. I figured I could have some decking laid, perhaps even have a pond installed. I'd perused some garden centres, and was quite taken in by the many stone flower pots, especially the ones with faces; where blooming flowers would resemble hair. I'd even liked the look of the metal archways that I could dot around, separating stone paths and hanging baskets of flowers and plants from.

I was just near the fence, measuring a few things out when the couple next door had arrived home after grocery shopping.

"Hey," I shouted over with a wave after the car door opened. "How's things?"

"Great," the wife said. "You all settled in now?"

"I love it here." I was stood with hands on hips. "I was just thinking about what to do with the garden." I looked over at their own, which in all honesty, was rather mundane. They had some tables and chairs, but not much else. It seemed that gardening wasn't something that they took a lot of interest in, whereas for myself, it was a favoured hobby. I'd had all sorts of fun arranging my mother's garden, and the lack of one had been one of the reasons I'd wanted out of my old boring apartment.

"What do you have in mind?" the wife asked while heading to the trunk and taking out a bag.

"I have all sorts of ideas," I smiled. "I was thinking I could have a load of flower beds put in, maybe even some decking. Get a BBQ and have a load of friends over from my work." When she raised her eyebrow, I held my hands up defensively. "Nothing loud, don't worry. Just a little get together to warm the house. You'll be welcome of course."

The husband too had lifted a few bags from the trunk, and had been listening with interest. "Just watch out for Carol before you go blasting any tunes," he said. "She's a total Karen."

"Who's Carol?"

"The head of the Homeowner Association," the wife interjected. "But don't listen to him. She's all bark and no bite." She scrunched the paper bag against her side and nodded towards the street. "She's the reason that everything is so clean around here. She runs a tight ship. If someone blocks the sidewalk with their car"--she shook her finger at me--"it'll be Carol to the rescue."

I looked towards the road, and pursed my lips while nodding with approval. "It's certainly a clean community. I'm really impressed with the security and everything. The corridors in my old apartment used to have trash all over the place. I used to have to clean it up because no one else would."

"Yeah, it's great," the husband said with a sarcastic twang. He then raised his hand and pointed it in my direction; fingers rigid together in a salute. "As long as you do whatever mein fuhrer says."

The wife playfully slapped him on the arm. "Oh, come on, she's not that bad."

"She made me get rid of my birdhouse, for Christ's sake," he said. "The tree is in our yard. How is that any of her business?" He then turned his direction towards me and glared. "She comes marching up our drive, chirping about how I'd broken some made-up rule. Apparently, I'm going to compromise the ornithological ecology of the community and then she threatens to fine me a couple of hundred dollars as if feeding birds is somehow mortally inconveniencing her." He shrugged, completely aghast. "Ornithological ecology. Can you believe that? I'm not importing the damn birds, they were already here!"

"You and your birds." The wife rolled her eyes. "I'd say she did us a favour. I'm fed up of wiping their droppings from the windshield."

I'd been animatedly nodding my head while listening to the conversation, a growing smirk appearing as I reasoned this was all some kind of joke that I didn't fully understand. I awaited the punchline; however, it never came. "Are you being serious?" Neither of their expressions changed. "A birdhouse?" I looked between the two of them, but still, none of the expected laughter arrived. "Hundreds of dollars? You're...you're being serious?"

"Deadly," the husband said. "She's a no-good busy-body that lives for misery."

"Oh, come on," the wife said. "She's just a lonely woman with nothing better to do."

"Is she really that much of a problem?" I asked apprehensively.

"Noooo," the wife said with a flap of her hand. "My husband is just being overly dramatic."

I dipped my head, still intrigued by his spluttering, my curious expression directed towards the husband this time. "Can they...can they actually fine you for something like that? For a birdhouse? I wouldn't think they'd have the authority." I glanced quickly around the street and noted that most of the front yards were absent of all of the ideas I'd had for my own. They were uniform in their decoration, as if they were adhering to some unwritten rule of abandoning all independent thought and expression.

"Apparently so," he said in an annoyed voice. "We signed a load of something or other when we got this place and evidently we can't do shit with our own property unless the great dictator approves. I even ran it by my lawyer friend and he said to just avoid breaking the terms and don't draw her attention because these Homeowner things are a minefield. There's late fees and all sorts she can dish out on us." He sighed in resignation. "We were so excited to have our own place that we overlooked the small print."

"But...a birdhouse?" I looked between the two of them, startled and confused. "What's wrong with a birdhouse? That seems so petty." I looked at the wife aghast. "Everyone likes birds, don't they?"

"You're telling me," the husband said. "Welcome to Woodville."

Just listening to that was enough to make me gulp. I'd been so excited about getting my own place, and after having spent countless hours exhausting myself through the credit and deed agreements, that I'd just brushed over the Homeowner Association literature when it had been passed my way. I mean, it was a good thing, wasn't it? They had security to stop thieves coming into the community, and everything was so squeaky clean. I mean, when I'd first viewed the property, the seller had bragged about how there was no dog droppings on the sidewalk, because the Homeowner Association would fine anyone whose dog soiled. As a result, the streets were unblighted by doggy doo. What could possibly be bad about that? For a small fee every month, we got to have someone to look after the good of the neighbourhood. That's what I'd wanted after my apartment building had fallen to ruin. I didn't want to be stepping over someone else's trash every day.

"Stop scaring her," the wife teased, before offering me a warm smile. "She's just one of those nosey ladies. You know the sort? Like those soccer moms that are always barking at their kids from the touchline. You just have to know how to deal with her is all." She nodded her head towards her husband. "She's been a lot nicer since we've had her around for dinner a few times, and especially since hubby changed the flat on her car."

"Under much duress," he said with a sigh, "while being told I was doing it wrong the whole time." He narrowed his eyes at me. "I didn't even get a thank you from her afterwards."

I let out an awkward chuckle. "Is it bad that I'm already terrified of her? She sounds unbearable."

"Look what you've done," the wife said while pinching her husband's arm. "You've gone and petrified the poor girl."

"Just telling her how things are." He put on an obviously fake smile. "This is a nice community and most people are lovely, but there's just one bad apple is all."

With that, the wife gave a final roll of her eyes, and they continued removing all of the groceries from the back of the SUV. I made my way back inside, many thoughts swirling around my head. I even took a quick look over all the papers I'd signed, but could make no sense of it. Surely, they were exaggerating. They sounded all jokey, yet, there was a lingering sense of dread creeping up on me. What if this Carol was actually going to be a pain in my ass?

Over the next few days, I gradually started getting really settled into my new place. With the help of my mother, I picked out a load of furniture from IKEA and I'd even taken a few days off work so that I could assemble it all and have my house starting to look more like a home. It was tiring work, but the end result was definitely worth it, and by the weekend, I was even able to move onto the garden and begin giving it my own personal spin. Despite the concerns of my neighbours, I pushed on, figuring they were making a mountain out of a molehill, and if this Carol did rear her head, I'd simply explain that I was just giving my yard a bit of personality. I mean, no one wanted to live in a boring abode, did they? It would bring a real feeling of spirit to have flowers, garden decorations and the like, wouldn't it?

When I'd bought the home, I'd stopped outside the show house and marvelled at how wonderful the garden was. There were so many flowers and trees, along with various ornaments that really made the home pop. There was even a pond with fish. I wanted a similar, welcoming vision for my own yard, and I got down and dirty, digging up plots over the weekend so that I could lay a load of flowers that would hopefully bloom by the spring.

What I found rather bizarre though, was on a few occasions, while I was down and planting various bulbs and seeds, a few of my new neighbours passed by and struck up conversations. It was nice to get to know everyone, however, quite concerning was the repeated theme being raised about that woman called Carol. I heard a lot about Carol that weekend, with some odd questions, like whether I'd checked with Carol before starting work on my yard, or if I didn't think I was going to have a problem with Carol? I brushed the questions away, as after all, I was planting a few flowers, not assembling a national park. Sure, my choice of garden wouldn't be to everyone's tastes but it was my garden, so frankly, I didn't care what anyone else thought. This Carol could stick her nose in, if she wanted, and I'd be polite in response. Polite, but most definitely firm that I'd paid for this place, and therefore, I would do whatever I liked.

Once I'd planted all of the flowery arrangements that I wanted, I moved onto some of the garden furniture, having a table and chairs delivered as well as a BBQ and a load of coal. My plan had always been to throw a kind of housewarming party, where I'd invite some family, friends and colleagues from work. I'd envisioned a cook-out in the garden where we could all relax and I could play host, while everyone celebrated this important step in my life.

Upon delivery of the BBQ, my immediate neighbour, the husband of that lovely couple, came over with a look of concern. "Jodie, have you run that by Carol?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, as we had built up a bit of a rapport by this point about this fabled Carol. "Run what, Joe? Do I need Carol's approval to sit in my own yard?"

He bit his lip and nodded towards the BBQ.

"It's just to cook some burgers and sausages? Why's that a problem? I'll keep it clean. You going to try and tell me that eating goes against the rules here?"

Joe held his hands up in surrender. "I'm not saying it's right, but she's totally going to get you on that."

"What do you mean?" I was utterly perplexed. "That's just a normal garden feature. Everyone has them."

"Everyone doesn't have Carol as a thorn in their side." He wafted his hand in the air. "She's totally going to make up some bull about environmental pollution or the like. She did the same thing when we had air con fitted, even had some guy come out with a decibel reader to check we weren't destroying the peaceful harmony of the community."

I grimaced towards the BBQ. "Well, there will be smoke, yes. It's not like I'll be using it often. Just for a housewarming party."

"A party?" He blinked rapidly and shook his head. "I thought you were joking about that. That'll be interesting." He took a deep breath, before scratching his chin in thought. "Don't be surprised if she shows up outside your house wearing all white and claiming the smoke ruined her clothes."

I spluttered at the joke, but then became serious as I realised I was the only one laughing. "She wouldn't...she's not that bad, is she?"

"She's a nightmare. Trust me. She sticks her nose in our business and makes all of our homes her problem."

"Well, if she says anything, I'm just going to ignore her. It's my home, not hers."

He looked unconvinced. "Well, good luck," he said, before whispering under his breath as he turned away, "You're going to need it."

I shrugged, and continued unpacking and assembling the BBQ in my yard. It was a bit fidgety, and the instructions left a lot to be desired, but eventually, with pride, I had the whole thing put together. I stood with hands on hips and marvelled at my creation. The party was going to be awesome, and I was already picturing everyone mingling and having a good time.

"What's all this?" came a shrill, almost shrieking-like voice. Such was the grating, banshee squeal of it, that I instinctively flinched as if a seagull was about to dive-bomb me. I couldn't even tell where the annoying wail had come from. I frantically looked around, in search of whoever had yelled at me in that way; even considering that perhaps it was my neighbour playing a joke on me. "What's with all of these bags on your drive? Is that coal?" came another shriek, and I winced under the ferocity of the question.

I took a step towards the driveway, and a figure came into view, previously hidden behind the lone tree in the corner of my yard. "Can I help you?" I asked tentatively while I approached.

There was a woman stood peering over my fence, wearing a matching cream tracksuit and sneakers, along with a baseball cap, where her blonde ponytail had been threaded through the back. She was wearing a pair of glasses, and from the wrinkles around her eyes, I could make out that she was likely middle-aged. "Who said you could have one of those in your yard?"

"Excuse me?" I asked while squinting, before turning around and surveying my yard. "One of what?"

"Those!" She gritted her teeth, before pointing violently at my recently assembled BBQ. "You're not thinking of lighting that thing, are you?"

I turned back to her, and waited for her to begin laughing and admit that I was the butt of some community joke. However, she just thrusted her finger at the BBQ once more. "How is that any of your business?" I asked, growing tired of her shenanigans. "What I do in my own home is up to me."

Her eyes narrowed behind her glasses. "I guess you're not up to speed on things? I'm the president of the--"

"Oh, I see." I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms and tapped my foot. "You're the neighbourhood Karen I've been hearing about, right?" I cocked my head. "The one who thinks she has the right to tell everyone how to live their lives?" I'd seen enough videos on Tik Tok and Instagram to know the correct way to deal with a Karen and her ridiculous, childish behaviour. A pinch of salt and a bout of mockery seemed the best ointment to their gnat-like presence.

I noticed the skin tighten in her face as her lips dropped to a frown. "What did you call me?"

"Nothing," I said with a roll of my eyes, slightly amused that labelling her had somewhat rattled her composure. "Anyway, I need to get all of this set up."

"Why do you need to get it set up?" Her head bobbed back and forth like an ill-tempered chicken. "What are you planning?"

"That's none of your business."

"Are you having a BBQ?" she asked, looking around aghast.

"Not that it's any of your concern," I said in a patient and patronising manner, "but, yes, I am. This weekend I will be having a little housewarming party. I'm new here, and I want to celebrate."

Her hands had balled into fists. "The hell you will," she said.