Karenocracy Pt. 01

I let out a deep sigh, already tired of her performance. "Take care, neighbour," I said with a peevish wave. "Feel free to come if you like. I'm sure we'll all be having a good time."

"We'll see about that," she said with a stamp of her foot, before she marched off away from my fence and power-walked down the street.

The next day, the guests arrived as expected, though, all seemed to be my personal friends, family and colleagues. I'd sent out a few invitations to my new neighbours, though most hadn't replied, or had basically said that they were busy and couldn't attend. Only Joe next door had given me a truthful response, "Being seen there will be like a bullseye on my back," he'd said dismissively. "I've had enough of the Wrath of Khan, or Wrath of Karen, whatever you want to call it."

I'd expected him to laugh and then confirm that they'd come, however, he'd simply scratched his head and scampered off back into the house.

Anyway, I'd put all of that drama out of my mind, and welcomed all of my friends and family with a smile on my face and a glass of wine. Some had even thought to bring housewarming gifts, which were more than welcome, and gradually, once the BBQ was fired up, everyone settled into having a merry old time.

Things were working out exactly as I'd hoped, and my friend groups were mixing and getting to know each other. Most were impressed with the property, and while enjoying a drink, glanced around the neighbouring plots and nodded approval at the whole feel of the community. Some even enquired as whether there were other dwellings still available for purchase. I even took them on a walking tour to view the pool and gym, and everyone was in awe of the beautiful home I'd bought.

However, there was a slight blip once we'd returned and the party had commenced. Carol appeared at the fence and spat some outrageous accusations at a few of my guests. I walked over and got involved when a few of my friends complained about the 'miserable witch' and how she was 'dampening the mood'.

"What is it?" I asked with impatience, and Carol's beady eyes honed in on me.

"What are you doing?" she raged. "I told you that you couldn't do this!"

"Who made you the queen of the town," one of my friends quipped, and a barrage of laughs were directed in Carol's direction.

My one friend, Brad, who was a bit of a clown, cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted out, "Where's Dorothy when you need her? The Wicked Witch of the East is still alive and well."

Everyone burst into laughter, however, Carol gurned and fumed, before stamping her foot. "Put out that fire immediately," she said. "Our there are going to be serious consequences."

I rolled my eyes, and directed my friends away from her. "Ignore her," I said, while remembering the words of the pleasant woman next door. "She's all bark and no bite."

Carol was still shrieking while we paid her no mind, instead enjoying the food, drinks and music, and eventually she took the hint and buggered off. I thought that was the end of the matter and we could actually focus on having a good time, however, that was until a cop car rolled up. Immediately, I noticed many looks of concern amongst my guests' faces.

"Jodie Atkinson?" the one officer asked as he got out of the car.

"Yes?" I said, while breaking away from the group and nearing the fence. I wasn't used to dealing with the law, so I was already nervous; my voice taking on an audible tremor. "Is there a problem?"

The officer let out a long, breathy sigh before holding up a piece of paper. "We've received a complaint for a noise violation and an environmental pollution violation"--he squinted at the paper in his hand--"due to some agreement you've signed." He looked back towards his partner before adding, "Is this not a civil matter? Why did they call us out?"

The partner rolled his eyes. "You know why."

The noise wasn't that bad and the smoke from the BBQ had already died off. "Really?" I asked in surprise. "Who made the complaint?" I already knew the answer, but some part of me still couldn't quite believe that she'd escalate things to this petty level.

"I'm not at liberty to share that information."

"It's that Carol, isn't it?" I asked with a snort, before turning to my guests and rolling my eyes. "It's that Karen from earlier. She's made a complaint."

A work colleague began shaking his glass of wine around. "That old shrew by the fence that wouldn't know fun if it hit her in the face."

A couple more jokes were cracked about how annoying Karens could be. The partner still in the cop car even sniggered as someone likened Carol to a troll with a stick up their ass.

The officer near me shook his head, clearly being tired of the whole thing. "Could you just turn the music down slightly, and maybe cool the coals off?" He scanned the yard a final time. "I can see you're just good people having a fun time, but she's not going to stop until we've responded." He leant over the fence, slightly, before beckoning me closer with his finger. Once I was near, he whispered, "This has come from higher up, so do with that information what you will."

I swallowed nervously at hearing that. "Okay, I'll turn the music down." I immediately cranked the Bluetooth speaker volume down on my phone, much to the gasps and groans of my guests.

The cops wished us well, and left us to it, however, the party became muted after that, the fun and energy completely sapped. At one point, I even swore I noticed a figure in the distance, a reflection of binoculars pointed in our direction. However, before I could investigate, I was distracted by one of my cousins, and upon turning back, the figure had disappeared. I had planned for the party to go into the late evening, but as the atmosphere died, most people had left by eight. I'd enjoyed having those close to me celebrate my new home, however, the police arriving had really put a dampener on things and I realised that our community Karen was going to be a real headache. I mean, I'd even invited her that day she'd thrown a tantrum, and instead of coming and having fun, she'd obliterated my event with her meddling.

I brushed off the party failure, and got back into the swing of things at work. I'd been working as a marketing specialist for a few years now, and the salary was decent and the work environment a lot of fun. The bills had been racking up since the new move, and obviously, I'd budgeted for this and it had been expected. My plan was to leave some of the bigger purchases to a bit later, now that I had most of the essentials on site. Thankfully, my mom had covered a lot of the initial furniture, and if I was a frugal in a few areas, then making the mortgage payments were a breeze, as well as the small facility fee that was included every month. I'd jumped at this as it meant we got access to shared facilities in the community, for instance a gym and pool. There was also the added benefit of the streets being kept clean as well as security at the front gate so that no one could just waltz in. It was a price worth paying as far as I was concerned and as long as I didn't go crazy, buying furniture beyond my budget, I could comfortably settle into my home. The booze for the party had been a one-off extravagance, but I was prepared to be sensible from here on out.

A few days later, I came home from work, and having checked the mail, I filtered through the usual bills before seeing a handwritten envelope. Unlike the other letters, there was no postage fee stamped on, so it had clearly been hand-delivered. I tore it open, then my jaw dropped as I read the contents. I was being fined for the party I'd held, by none other than Carol! As president of the Homeowner Association, she'd deemed my gathering to be anti-social, and as I'd caused a nuisance to my neighbours, and a community as a whole, I was being charged with a punitive financial penalty of $200 for the noise pollution and a further $200 for the environmental pollution. I had a week to pay, unless I removed the BBQ from my property and provided a written apology for my actions. If I didn't comply, then late fees would be added to the fine, and eventually court proceedings would commence to recover what was owed.

I was distraught. The BBQ had cost me close to $300 as it was and I'd only used it once and was now being ordered to get rid. The written apology was just ridiculously childish and petty, I mean, we weren't in school, were we? There was even a police report included as evidence as well as a victim impact statement from an anonymous source, which had to have been from Carol herself, claiming they'd had to attend a clinic due to smoke inhalation. That was so farfetched that it belonged in a comic strip, but there was a freakin' medical attendance record to go along with it.

I almost scrunched up the letter right there and then while still stood in my driveway. Who the hell did this woman think she was? As if she could just dish out fines as she pleased. There was no way I could afford that with all of the recent expenditure of moving in. I mean, it wasn't enough to put me in debt or anything, but I had an emergency fund which such an amount was surely going to eat into. She was threatening to dent my finances if I didn't do as she pleased and get rid of my BBQ? I mean, I could just give it to someone else, but the principle of it all was really grating at me.

Joe from next door was just returning from work too, when he shouted over. "You alright, Jodie? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I turned to him, still in shock, and held the letter up. "She's issued me for a fine for the party."

"Oh God," he said. "That sounds familiar."

"She can't do this, surely?" I read over the document multiple times and it all seemed so official. "Can she?" I looked up horrified, completely shell-shocked that this was actually happening.

"I'd speak to a lawyer," he said. "Because it's not going to end here. That woman is as relentless as she is annoying. She fined us once for having my mother-in-law stay over without signing some bleeding notification."

I screwed my face up; just let her try the same shit if my mother came to stay. "You didn't pay it, right?"

"Well, no." He looked off to the side in thought. "But she had all these legal documents about how we were causing a hazard by not declaring the correct amount of people in attendance. Even got the fire marshal involved stating how my mother-in-law would have been left to die in an emergency because there was no record she was here. All over the top, but legally, we couldn't fight her on it."

"That sounds ridiculous." I looked at the letter again. "Almost as ridiculous as this."

"The wife smoothed it over. Why do you think I had to change that bleeding tyre?" He shrugged. "Maybe go speak to her? She's probably just flexing her muscles because you're new around here?"

"You had to change her tyre to avoid being fined? What the hell is this? A labour camp?"

"We signed up to it," he said in resignation. "Stupid Homeowner Associations, but you know, it's not like other communities where they're actually reasonable. She's been president of the board for so long that it's all gone to her head."

Traipsing back into the house, I looked for that stupid agreement again that everyone seemed to be talking about, and it took me a few minutes to filter through all of the paperwork. I couldn't even figure out what it was, until I realised that there was a bunch of pages attached to the back of the one talking about the facility fee, with all of the amenities such as the gym. Evidently, I'd been so drawn in by the pool and the like, that I hadn't noticed there was a whole other section, to which I'd also signed my name. I read through quickly, and realised that the gated community I'd moved into could be quite strict in regards to causing a nuisance towards your neighbours. There were all sorts of fines that could be dished out for doing something without approval; you even needed written approval to change your mailbox!

There were also some fairly loose terms in there, such as doing something that was 'broadly offensive' and 'partaking in activities that compromised common decency'. What the hell did that even mean? Those descriptions were so vague that basically anything could be interpreted as falling under their umbrella. What if a neighbour had an aversion to the colour blue? Did that mean I couldn't purchase a blue car? Surely, it was way too wide to even be considered legal. But I'd foolishly signed it all the same.

I moved onto the building and fixtures section, and that was even more ridiculous. Any work undertaken first required an approved plan, as well as a deposit paid to the Homeowner Association, which would be returned upon signing off of said work. That seemed extraordinary. It totally made sense that work would require approval, but surely that should come from the relevant construction authorities. What the hell kind of expertise did Carol of the Homeowner Association have in regards to building regulations? So, if I built something, and Carol didn't like it, she could get some jobsworth to condemn it and keep the fucking deposit? That was ludicrous.

I quickly dialled one of my friends that worked in a legal office, and talked through the paperwork. "You didn't buy in one of those HOA's, did you?" he asked tentatively after listening to me splutter for a few minutes. "They're a law onto themselves. I would have advised you not going ahead with it."

"What?" I asked, as my throat ran dry. "She can't fine me for having a party though, can she? I wasn't harming anyone. It didn't even finish late. Does she even have the authority to do that? She's a nobody."

"I mean...I don't know. That's not really our area. All I know is that these things can get dragged through the court, and since you signed the agreement, you'd need to be really careful in future regarding violating anything specific. It honestly depends on how far she wants to take this, but these ridiculous associations can be a real headache. I mean, even if you win and get it overturned, the court fees will end up being more than the initial fine. I would have advised you to buy elsewhere because frankly, Jodie, you have way too much personality to fit into one of these places. Sometimes they're reasonable, but other times, like you're finding out, they're way too restrictive."

"Bit late for that now, isn't it?"

"Maybe it'll come to nothing. I know a few judges that would laugh her off and throw it out immediately, but if she pushes this through a collection's agency and the courts, and if she has the right connections, well, who knows where it could go. Court fees most definitely will end up dwarfing the penalty. Maybe it's best you go and speak to her? Maybe she's just being dramatic and there could be a reasonable, amicable resolution to this. At the end of the day, is getting rid of the BBQ really that much of a deal if it means you live in peace?"

"Why should I though? She's just a Karen. If I give her an inch, she's going to take a mile, isn't she? I have to nip this in the bud from the beginning."

"Well, good luck to you. Do you want me to put you in touch with someone?"

I was still dwelling on that mention of her connections, the cop's words ringing in my ears, and how he had only attended my property because of the 'higher ups'. She'd caused such a stink over my small party, that someone high up in the police department had used up valuable resources to have me turn the music down a notch. I'd complied, and now I was being punished anyway, just because she could?

"I'll try talking to her," I muttered, while considering the bills I had to pay, still grasped in my fingers beneath this outlandish letter. "I really can't afford to be paying something like this, especially after having just moved in. Maybe we can come to a compromise." I was imagining myself changing her flat tyre, before I recalled our minor argument on my driveway. "Maybe she's annoyed I called her a Karen."

"You called her a Karen?" my friend said with a slight chuckle. "Yeah, not a good idea. Guess you've made yourself an enemy."

"The worst kind."

I ended the call, and with the letter clutched in my hand, I marched through the street, in search of whichever house was Carol's. The superior and pedantic nature of the letter had infuriated me; I'd been addressed and reprimanded as if I were a child. Not even my boss or mother ever castigated me in that way, yet this vile woman, because she had somehow landed herself this token role of power, felt like she could belittle and talk down to me because of a fucking small party on my own property? I mean, what harm had it really caused? The police had shut it down before anyone had even got drunk! Now, because this Carol didn't like it, I had to get rid of the BBQ completely or pay a fine on top? Even though I'd just paid hundreds of dollars for it. That was ridiculous and so unfair and I was simply way too principled to allow her to run havoc over me.

While I stomped my way down the street, I came across a guy who was pruning the shrubs in his yard, knelt down in a mound of dirt. "Hey," I said, while waving the letter in his direction. "Do you know which house"--I paused to squint at the name signed off on the bottom of the paper--"this Carol Broom lives in?"

He gulped, before scratching his head. "Ms. Broom?" He nodded towards the paper. "Always a bad thing when you get one of those through the door. I had one once about my kids' paddling pool and how it was a drowning hazard." He tried peering at the letter. "What have you done?"

I shook my head. "Does it matter? I just need to know where she lives so I can sort this nonsense out."

He grimaced. "Good luck with that." He then began trimming the leaves from the bush once more, not even looking in my direction. "She lives in no.1, of course, she's been here the longest of all of us. The one right near the security." He then turned me to once more. "Her ex-husband is the developer, you know that, right? He appointed her as the president of the Homeowner Association before they separated."

"Yes, and she's already exerting her made-up authority on me." I scowled. "Shouldn't we get a vote on that anyway? We're paying fees every month for it."

"We should," he said with a sigh. "But, we don't. Carol is in charge of it, and, unfortunately"--he lowered his voice slightly--"Carol is one of those middle-aged women that is somehow offended by everything and thinks the world owes her a favour. You know the type? Like other people's happiness and comfort is an inconvenience to her."

"I know," I said. "She's a fucking Karen."

The guy guffawed. "A what?"

"A Karen! That's what they call those type of women. She's a fucking Karen."

"Oh, well, in that case...we're living in a Karenocracy." He scratched his head, inadvertently getting soil in his hair. "Welcome aboard."

"Which is no.1 anyway?" I balked. "Wait, the one at the front by the security?" I asked in surprise. "The one with all of the hanging plants and the pond in the garden? I thought that was the blimming show house." I then narrowed my eyes. "Wait, she was bitching about your paddling pool when she had a fricken' pond the whole time?"

"Yeah," he said in a deadpan voice. "It's a 'do as I say, not as a I do' kind of deal around here. It was just easier to get rid of it than getting into anything with her. The kids can still use the community pool anyway."

"But...but...but..." I shook my head, completely perplexed by the hypocrisy. Her house was notably bigger than the others, and looked like she lived in a bloody botanical garden. I was being reprimanded for having a small BBQ without her permission? Who the hell did she think she was? Did she expect me to send her a letter every time I wanted to add a garden gnome too?