Kenna Ch. 06

"Just please talk to me. I don't understand." I shake my head vigorously side to side hoping that will help this make sense or at least stop these words from leaving her mouth.

"You don't get it." she gets out of the car heading towards the street where I see Dan's car pulling up. I stand there dismayed by this turn of events watching her get in the car. We had such a good day. We were good.

"No. You are not leaving me again. Not like this." I lean on the window yelling through it knowing she can hear me. She refused to look me in the eye.

I walk to the front of the car with my hands on the hood staring at Kenna's shocked face. Did she think I would just let her drive away? Take my world away?

"Kenna Marie Marks you are going to fucking talk to me. Baby don't do this again. I love you, I love you so much you can't leave me again." tears are prickling my eyes.

I don't think I can handle another breakup with her. My heart will not be able to do this again.

"Kenna I know you're scared. I am too but I'm willing to put it all out there for you, just for you. Why can't you do the same thing for me? You promised me you would communicate with me. You promised me." I slam my fists on the front of the car. I took a deep breath because the tears were freely falling now and I have a lump in my throat the size of Texas. My throat is hurting from the tears I was previously holding back. She's ripping out my heart. I close my eyes counting to ten to let a calm settle over me. I can't do this again.

"Kenna if you leave with him, this is it. My heart can't handle this rollercoaster. I love you so fucking much it will kill me to see you voluntarily walk out of my life but if you do, don't come back. I...I thought you loved me as much as I love you. I would never do anything like this to you. You can't do this to people Kenna. Bunny all I want to do is love you for the rest of my life. Just remember that I sat here and begged but you still decided to walk away, you let me go. I am begging you not to leave me." I step away from the car waiting for her to make a decision.

She turned to say something to Dan and they drove away.

"Don't you ever fucking come back." I yell at the car knowing she probably couldn't hear me.

Heartbroken, I numbly walk to the car to get my bags seeing her quirky yellow bag with pineapples on in I burst into tears. The least I deserved was an explanation. We were doing so well and I just got her back. All cried out, I get in the house laying on my bed staring at the ceiling but seeing nothing.

I wanted to scream. I want to hit something. I think I want to die. My mind was everywhere jumping from emotion to emotion and settling on empty. My bleeding heart was painfully beating in my chest as a sick reminder that I was left with this flayed heart while she took my soul.

I didn't sleep at all. I prayed for the peace of sleep to take me but it never came. Before I knew it, the sun was up with the day ahead of me for work. There is no possible way I could make it to work. I truly felt sick to my stomach. Overflowing with tears wasn't an option either because I was all dried up. Bereft I drag myself to the bathroom to take a piss when I see one of Kenna's hair bows on my counter. I clutch it in my hand melting to the floor. I threw the bow across the room feeling a spike of anger flow through me. Fuck her.

I went to my couch slumping down reaching for the remote. Instantly I clicked the tv on and it exploded with color making me squint. My eyes adjusting to the picture but my brain wasn't focused. I just sat there. For hours. My doorbell rang.

"Go away." I mumbled hoping whoever it was would think nobody was home. It rang again and again and again in quick succession. Throwing back my head in frustration I angrily lift off the couch to swing the door open with more force than I expected. It was Dan. I tried to slam the door in his face but he slipped in.

"I know I know but hear me out." his hands are up with bags under his eyes like he had a night like mine.

"Fine." I had no fight left in me, all I could do was listen.

"Kenna and I got into an argument after last night. I walked out on her." my head went up looking at him with question.

"I thought you did something to make her leave you like that and you know what she said when I asked if you didn't do anything then why she left?" I shrug my shoulder not forming words.

"She said, and I quote, 'I am not obligated to love someone just because they love me'. I lost it then because anyone with eyes can tell she's crazy in love with you. Stevie Wonder can see that a mile away. She's being a stubborn asshole and I told her so. It didn't seem to phase her so I left. I cannot sit there living with her knowing she lost a man who would lay down his life for her. I mean you're perfect for her. So can I move in?" he finished that last part really fast like he thought I would miss it.

"What?" I ask incredulously.

"Yeah she's wrong, so very wrong for what she did and I can't li-'' I cut him off.

"No, no. What do you mean you want to live with me?" it's clear I'm dreaming or in an alternate universe.

"I can't live with her. I can't even look at her after the way she treated you." Dan truly looks put out by this situation.

"Fine." seems like all I can say because if I say no, he'll beg me until I say yes.

"Really?"

"Sure Dan you can have the other room." I turn to see him darting out the house then returning with three big suitcases.

"Great! I'm an excellent roommate because I'm a cleaner when I'm stressed and you need this place cleaned." I thought my house was clean.

"Make yourself at home." I shake my head to fall back on the couch staring at the tv screen.

Dan made himself busy moving in his things. Should I try to get her back? Maybe if I talked to her, I'll be able to see what angle I need to take with this relationship. But I was doing everything right. I listened to her whenever she spoke. I was patient with the pace of our relationship. I was truly happy as long as I was with her no matter how slow we took the relationship.

The longer I thought about it, the more it was seeming like it wasn't my problem to solve. She was being unnecessarily complicated and she refused to communicate with me. If something was bothering her, she could have easily sat me down to talk about any issue she had with me.

I hate not knowing what I did for her to come out of the blue with this breakup. We just made love the other day and it was perfect like every single time we were intimate. I want her so bad but I'm so angry with her. If she walked through that door right now with a simple sorry, I would take her back in an instant. To me that sounded pathetic. She broke my heart in pieces and yet here I was wishing on every star that she would come back to me. My stomach gave a violent growl. I blinked slowly scratching my face with my fingers pulling away wet. I didn't even realize I was crying.

In the kitchen I stare at the microwave with confusion. Two forty-six is what it says. It's almost three in the morning and I haven't eaten anything all day. I probably wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't for my body telling me so. I warmed up some food lifting it to my mouth to take a small bite. I couldn't eat it. All I could do was chug water. Despondent I shuffled to my bed falling on it face down. Another day passed without any sleep.

I saw Dan enter my room pulling me up from the bed with a grunt. He dragged me to the shower cutting on the freezing water. I jumped from the shock of it.

"You're going to work today. Don't make me wash you." he turned to leave me in the shower.

Why wasn't I good enough for her? Why aren't I enough? What is wrong with me that she couldn't love me the way I loved her? I would have never considered questions like these before I met her. She's making me feel like an angsty emo with the dark thoughts filling my head. Dan was right, I should go to work, get out of this house that reminds me so much of her and the time we spent together. I needed a distraction.

After getting out the shower I didn't even look at myself in the mirror. All I did was run a comb through my hair trying not to look at Kenna's brush on the sink. Dan hands me a cup of coffee with a sad smile. We drove to work together in silence not really knowing what to say. What was there to say? Especially when Kenna wouldn't talk to either one of us.

Work ticked by slowly with damn near everyone asking me was I okay. I was going to scream if one more fucking person asked me if I was all right. Falling behind on work wasn't usually a thing that I did but it seemed like after two days my due dates were speeding up on me. And that's when I got the brilliant thought to throw myself into my work so I didn't have to think about her.

Working through lunch was a horrible idea. I asked Dan to pullover to a fast food joint because I was light headed with shaking hands.

"You know I tried talking to her today. I can't believe she wouldn't open up to me. I'm supposed to be her best friend." Dan was hurting.

"Yeah." I had no words because I couldn't believe she wouldn't open up to me either.

"Oh I'm so sorry. Look at me complaining when she's essentially doing the same thing to you. Ugh I need to talk to my therapist."

"You...you have a therapist?" why would he need a shrink?

"Twice a month every month. What? I have a lot of stress." Dan paid for our meals then grabbed the food from the young lady in the window.

"I might need to try that. I think I murdered eight people in my head today at work." I was so close to punching a hole through the wall I had so much anger built up inside.

"I'll give you his number when we get home." he laughed, "Home, like we're a pair of bachelors in our prime." his smile quickly fell when he realized I was, in fact, a bachelor in my prime now.

"I'd like that thank you." I sounded hollow to my ears.

At the house we ate at the table discussing our project when Dan's phone rang. I perked up praying it was Kenna. All I could hear was blood pounding in my ears.

"It's Kai. I'll take this out back, I'm sure you don't want to hear what we're talking about." he smirked at me walking away to answer the call.

I don't like this empty feeling of endless sadness. I couldn't find happiness in the bright sunny day that we had today. All I wanted to do was find Kenna laying in the bed looking at me with those eyes and a smile telling me it was all a joke. It sucks knowing that I should let go but there's no way that I can because maybe the impossible will happen.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't some fairytale movie. The truth is, life sucks and sometimes we never get our happy ending no matter how hard we try or how hard we believe.

I started seeing Dan's therapist, Dr. Cole. A couple of months of seeing him has helped a bit. I can't say it doesn't hurt anymore because every day I wake up I miss the part of my heart that Kenna took with her. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all but that's all just bullshit. It hurts so fucking much to know what I had with Kenna was the real thing. And I know deep in my soul that what we had was a once in a lifetime occurrence, but she left anyways.

It's unbelievable how someone can break your heart and you still love them with every broken piece of it, because I did. I was still hopelessly, incredibly, stupidly in love with her. I know I told her to not come back but I didn't expect her to actually stay away from me. It has been months since I have seen her. According to Dan, she has been pushing everyone away. I hate that she's possibly out there with no shoulder to lean on. Sadie would never leave Kenna's side, no matter how wrong Kenna may be, Sadie would stay. Should I be more like Sadie or should I let Kenna come to me?

I'm tired of chasing after her but I still want her. I need her. If we ever get back together I know that I will spend my life trying to keep up with her and I think I'm okay with that. I like that she keeps me on my toes.

Sipping on my coffee I look around at the nice uncharacteristically warm day waiting for one o'clock to hurry up so I could have my session with Dr. Cole. I see her. Her back is to me but without a doubt I know it's her. The long yellow dress she's wearing is clinging to her form with part of the dress creased between her cheek outlining her bountiful bottom. I find myself standing moving towards her when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Axl I thought that was you." Brigid smiled at me.

"Uh hey Brigid, what are you doing here?" I ask confused.

"Eddie. Eddie!" she called across the street at my brother who pulled a puppy out the car. "Eddie got me a puppy so we're looking for puppy things. Isn't he the cutest?" Brigid took the dog from Eddie cuddling it to her breasts spilling out of her shirt.

"So ya'll are pretty serious huh? I wonder when anyone was gonna tell me." I say a little peeved that I didn't know my brother and my friend were in a serious relationship. I thought it was just casual.

"If you picked up your phone you would know." Ed was giving me a look of reproach.

"You're right. I apologize. I'm glad to see ya'll are going strong so when's the wedding?" I joked.

"July of next year." Brigid proudly held out her left hand to show me the ring. I looked at my brother baffled.

"When you know, you know." he shrugged pulling Brigid to his body.

Saved by the proverbial bell. It's one o'clock and my session should be starting soon.

"All right love birds, I have to be somewhere. Bye." Quickly I walk away not able to place this strange feeling I have.

It's not jealousy because I am happy for them but my god this is all happening so fast. Shouldn't they take their time? I definitely didn't want them to end up like me and Kenna. Shaking my head I knock on the door to Dr. Cole's office.

I settle down in the chair avoiding the cliche couch like the plague. I look at Dr. Cole wondering what kinds of problems he has in his life. Does he have a therapist? I'm positive he has a therapist because he has to sit and listen to everyone's problems all day probably thinking we're all insane. I deduce that I'm fine with being insane, at least I'm not shooting up clubs or churches. I'm the perfect amount of insane.

"How are you progressing Axl?" he likes to say that. Instead of asking how I'm doing, he likes to ask about my progression because every day is a battle upward from the dark thoughts that plagued me since the breakup.

"I saw her today." I needed him to tell me how I was supposed to feel.

"And how did you feel?" I knew he was going to ask me that.

"I don't know." I rubbed the back of my neck trying to find the right words.

"You do know, Axl. This is a safe place to express your authentic feelings."

"I want to hate her but I can't. When I saw her, I fell in love all over again and all I saw was the back of her head. I wanted to walk up to her and shake her. Tell me you love me I want to scream. Gah I'm pathetic."

"I don't think you're pathetic Axl. Why do you want to hate Kenna." I clench my teeth because he insists on using her name.

"Obviously I want to hate her for breaking up with me the way she did. Why didn't she talk to me? I was doing everything right. Or at least I thought I was." I ended lamely.

"Did you give her room to be completely open and honest with you?"

"Of course I did." I'm getting heated.

"Do you think that maybe you pushed too hard too fast?"


"What?" is this attack Axl hour?

"Don't feel attacked Axl. I have known you for a couple of months now and everything we discussed seemed like you may have pushed too hard. It is obvious that you love her but everyone has their own love style."

"Love style?"

"I call it the love style, I haven't trade marked it yet. But everyone expresses their love differently. You wear your heart on your sleeve for all the world to see, Kenna may not have that type of love style. She may need time. Kenna may need you to be silent and not listen to her words but to her actions."

"Are you blaming me for our breakup?" I am livid.

"No I am not blaming you. I am simply asking you did you understand her love language. From what you described, she understood yours. You loved her, yes, but did you know how she loved? Let's switch gears. Have you met anyone new?"

"I don't want to meet anyone new." I recoiled with revulsion. The thought of moving on from her seemed blasphemous.

"Okay, well, have you gotten closure with Kenna?" he writes something down in his pad.

"After a while I just gave up trying to contact her but I guess if I have to move on then I should get closure." I clearly wasn't going to move on from her but I do believe I should get closure.

"That is good. We have a goal to look forward to and right on time because our session is up." he closed his note pad giving me one of his famous smiles shaking my hand.

"All right Dr. C I'll see you in a month." I shake his hand leaving his office.

Amazing how fast an hour can go by when you're baring your soul to an essential stranger. As I walk out of the building I look to the side of the street I saw her wishing I could get one more glance at her. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much, so deep that you lose yourself in them.

I loved getting lost in her eyes wondering what she was thinking. Never being able to know what was on her mind used to be exciting and mysterious but my ego wanted to know if she was thinking about me like how I think about her. Does my memory haunt her like hers haunts me?

Does she wake up in the middle of the night grabbing for a body that's not there, like I do every night. The first couple of nights I threw a fit, throwing her left belongings then holding on to them because I knew I would never hold her again. Was she tortured like me?

Dan and I made great roommates but Kai stole my only link to her. Kai tried talking to her too but she never breached the topic of us with Kai. She wasn't really talking to anyone and that bothered me. I planned on checking up on her somehow.

Knocking on the door I patiently waited with freshly picked strawberries.

"Axl what a wonderful surprise." Yemoja greeted me with a hug.

"I missed you too much I just had to come see you in person." hugging her back I followed her in the house.

"Oh and you brought a snack! You're gonna make a great son in law." my smile faltered at that.

"Yemoja I'm not sure if Kenna told you but, we uh, we're not together anymore." I thought she knew, we talk regularly once a week.

"Baby I know but that stubborn little daughter of mine still has you in her heart I just know it." that made me smile. She guided me to the back where Mr. Marks was sitting sipping a beer near his peach tree.

"Take a seat son." Mr. Marks handed me a beer as Yemoja walked back in the house.

"That girl is stubborn just like her mother."

"Tell me about it." I took a long sip.

"When I met Yemoja she was standing there with a gaggle of her friends at the park laughing about something or another. She was so beautiful with her big fro and a black beret atop her head. I fell right then when she turned and looked at me, just a glance. That was all I needed. I walked right up to her and I said, 'Hey foxy won't you give me your number.'" he laughed.

"I thought I was such a cool cat. All I had to do was wink at a woman and she'd be putty in my hands. You know what that crazy woman said? She said, "My name isn't foxy and that is not how you approach a woman.' Mind you we're only youngins, I'm eighteen she's eighteen barely out of school. She tells me, "Once you know how to come correct then you can talk to me.' My god the fire in that woman set a fire in me." he shook his head smiling at the memory.