kinky_af

Author note: Well, this one snuck up on me while I was meant to be working on something else...it's also fairly long at 25k words. I didn't separate it into episodes because the break-points weren't evenly spaced, but feel free to find your own...

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Enter Username: kinky_af

I knew that was so much clickbait even while I was typing it, and I didn't care. Kinky, haha...I mean sure, some. But...notably? As fuck? Not so much.

In my defence, I was bored at the time. God, was I bored. The kind of bored where even if there had been something to do, I wouldn't have done it, because I was past that and stuck in some eternal loop of bored-ness.

I would totally have just given up and gone to bed at eight-thirty if I'd thought there was the slightest chance I'd sleep, but no. I was so bored I was edgy with it. Too bored to play games on my phone, too bored to watch Netflix, waaay too bored to stack the dishwasher even though it was my night for it.

I knew I'd have more chance of sleeping properly if I got off before I went to bed, but I wasn't gonna open any apps, for a number of reasons. One, if I did? Here? On a Tuesday evening? It'd probably just be that guy again...

Two, I felt so utterly boneless that even taking off my work clothes and having a shower seemed like an epic amount of labour, much less getting dressed again and going out, but if I hosted I'd definitely need to tidy up my lair/bedroom at least a little bit, and...nahh...

Problem was, I was also pretty much too bored to wank. I wasn't even horny, really, it was just...what else was I gonna do? And when you're at the point where you can't find any porn that isn't boring, you kinda have to face the fact that the problem here...is you.

It was because the porn was boring me that I saw the ad. One of those shitty flashing things in the sidebar that ordinarily I'd have filtered out automatically.

'Chat for free with hot guys in your local area!'

Yeah, my local area. Whatever. The problem with these things is that the world begins and ends with the Americas. I could just imagine how it'd go. Enter your location: Okay...Hamilton. Hamilton, Ohio, or Hamilton, New York? Or maybe, just maybe...think we might have one of those all the way up there in Canada, actually...

Again, I was bored. Why not try something a bit retro? I thought. So I clicked on the ad and gave myself a stupid handle and went through the sign-up process for a laugh, and fuck me if it wasn't a genuinely local chat site.

It also looked to be as empty as a Methodist Church on NRL Super Sunday. Only three others supposedly in the room, and not a peep from any of them in the last fifty minutes...but I had nothing else to do, so I waded in.

kinky_af: Hi

kinky_af: Anybody home?

I was just getting to the point of...apparently not, when something flashed up.

rl_sucks : Hey

rl_sucks : You new here?

kinky_af: Yah

rl_sucks : Thought so. Would've remembered that handle...

kinky_af: Not done the chat thing before. But today I feel like I've already seen all the porn on the internet, so...

rl_sucks : NM, there'll be more there by tomorrow.

kinky_af: Not gonna help me tonight, is it?

rl_sucks: Haha, true. And I know what you mean. Feels like same-old same-old so much of the time.

kinky_af: Know what else is true?

rl_sucks: Yeah what?

kinky_af: Your handle. RL sucks so much RN.

rl_sucks: For sure, though it's kind of a joke actually.

kinky_af: How?

rl_sucks: My initials are RL, so...y'know...

kinky_af: Mm. Nice. You'd suck me?

rl_sucks: Theoretically, yeah. But a plain blowjob? Probably not wild enough for someone like yourself.

kinky_af: Have to be honest, mine's a bit of a joke as well. Kinda thought somebody else would've taken it already. Doubt I'm all that kinky if Reddit is any gauge of these things.

rl_sucks: Not sure Reddit's a reliable gauge of anything at all. But I'm happy to be of service. Tell me the kinkiest thing you ever did and I'll rate it for you. Might as well give these two lurking creeps something to fap to. That's what they're here for, after all...

Less than five seconds after that message popped up, it was followed by a notification that 'Gazza001' had left the chat. 'Hornydude33' followed shortly after.

Another message popped up.

rl_sucks: Well that worked better than I expected. True though. All they do is hang around. Can't get either of them to chat.

kinky_af: Haha, gross.

rl_sucks: Yup. But now it's just us. So tell me that kinkiest story...

rl_sucks: Or I guess kinkiest fantasy, if there aren't any actual stories...

kinky_af: Mate. I'm 25. I'm not a virgin, okay?

rl_sucks: Okay.

rl_sucks: [taps foot]

kinky_af: Jesus. Fuck. Alright, how about this one? And it's true. I railed a guy out on the field at Seddon Park once.

rl_sucks: Okay...that's definitely different.

kinky_af: Yep. I mean, it was 2am on a Thursday morning so things were fairly quiet and obviously the big lights weren't on but there are some lights going all the time and there was the whole breaking and entering thing to add a bit of spice...

rl_sucks: When was this?

kinky_af: Last year. Waitangi day.

rl_sucks: Outdoor fucking...not the worst way to celebrate your country's founding, I guess.

kinky_af: Nah, it was nothing to do with that. There was a match there the day before, and Ross Taylor had scored a century or something like that, I dunno, not much into cricket, but this guy, the guy I hooked up with, he was a major Taylor groupie and he wanted to get boned out there on the pitch where the magic had happened.

rl_sucks: Right. You have a bit of a Ross Taylor thing going on, then?

kinky_af: Nope. The only way I could look any LESS like Ross Taylor is if I was a girl.

rl_sucks: Okay. Sorry to mess with your flow. Carry on.

kinky_af: Not much more to it really. We climbed over one of the gates and went out to the middle and dragged back one of the covers and he got totally naked and I didn't and we got down to business fairly quickly 'cos we figured there was probably a security patrol every half hour or so

kinky_af: I did him from behind and he was arse up face down and he had his mouth open and he was like, licking the pitch, like eating it basically and saying all this garbled incoherent stuff and it was, I dunno, all quite surreal

kinky_af: And after we were done, I took the condom away with me and chucked it in a proper bin because I'm a tidy kiwi but he jizzed on the pitch and left it there and I think that was the point of it basically for him.

rl_sucks: Wow. Did you know the guy?

kinky_af: Nope. He just popped up on an app and when we matched he kinda said this was what he wanted, and I thought eh why not.

rl_sucks: Wow again. Pretty decent of you not to laugh in his face.

kinky_af: I dunno. I mean, it's not like there was nothing in it for me.

kinky_af: So anyway, go ahead and rate my kink.

rl_sucks: Mmm...you're not gonna like this, but actually I think it's the other dude who comes across kinky. You, you're definitely game as hell. But not really kinky. More...bold, I guess.

kinky_af: Hah. Yeah right. I'm sure that's what all my friends and family call me behind my back. Jay The Bold. So organised and decisive, he just goes out there and boldly gets shit done...NOT.

rl_sucks: Jay? That's your real name?

kinky_af: It's what everyone really calls me.

rl_sucks: Sucky real name?

kinky_af: Yup. Nobody under 70 is called Douglas anymore. Except me obviously.

rl_sucks: Hey I sympathize. But I don't see how you pull Jay out from that.

kinky_af: You don't. My last name's Jamieson, and why am I doing this? Isn't the whole point of these chat things that you get to stay anonymous?

rl_sucks: Well there's only me you're fessing to.

kinky_af: Gonna even things up and tell me your name?

rl_sucks: Sure. Reid Lewis. 28. Gay, in case you hadn't figured that part out already.

kinky_af: That's quite the name you've got. Sounds very um

rl_sucks: Very, um?...

kinky_af: Can't think of the word. Like your folks are friends with Prince Charles.

rl_sucks: Haha, nope. Definitely not. None of that.

kinky_af: Like you went to an IB school and play polo on the weekends.

rl_sucks: Didn't go to an IB school and I'm allergic to horses. And where the hell would I play polo anyway?

kinky_af: Cambridge. Morrinsville. Kihikihi.

rl_sucks: Okay, that's me told. But no. No polo. And my folks are completely regular people. Sorry to disappoint.

kinky_af: Not disappointed. Guess fucking posh dudes is yet another kink I don't have.

rl_sucks: LOL. You wanna try something anyway?

kinky_af: Sure. Nothing else to do.

rl_sucks: Okay. What am I working with here? Tell me what you look like, eh?

Shit. I felt completely thrown. Not that I didn't know what I looked like, but that I didn't know what the form here was. Talk yourself up, talk yourself down? Is it 'what do you look like generally?' or 'what does your junk look like just before you feed it to me?' I kinda sorta just wanted to run away, but...this far into a conversation that'd be pretty rude.

I started typing.

kinky_af: uhhh, yeah. Not tall, not really short either. Not skinny. Definitely not fat. Blondish. Grey eyes

kinky_af: um. Normal dick, no weird angles or bends. Works fine. One tatt, on my upper left arm, it's a couple of loops of barbed wire...

kinky_af: hope that's good enough, I got nothing else for you mate. I don't particularly stand out in a crowd.

rl_sucks: That's nice. How about this? What's your favourite body part and why? What are you most proud of on yourself?

I sat back in my chair. Um. Mmm. I didn't even know the answer to that. Could just say 'my dick' of course, but...most proud of? Suddenly I knew.

kinky_af: I guess probably my shoulders and arms. I have some gains there.

kinky_af: Don't get me wrong they're not massive but putting the work in there really paid off. Can't get a six-pack no matter what I do but my arms and shoulders are coming along nicely.

rl_sucks: Yum. Are you hairy?

kinky_af: Um, yeah? I mean, I don't shave my chest if that's what you're asking. But I'm blond so it doesn't show as much as it would otherwise. Have a bit of beard too mostly cos I'm too fuckin lazy to shave my face very often either

rl_sucks: Oh damn. Glad you told me that, love me some beard on a guy.

kinky_af: What about you?

rl_sucks: No beard here. Think I'd look too much like a mad professor.

kinky_af: I mean you do the whole about me thing.

rl_sucks: Oh right sorry. Well, no beard obvs :) Tall, brown hair, brown eyes, big teeth, big nose, not very hairy, moderately hung, kinda lanky I guess, also wouldn't stand out in a crowd which to be honest I don't mind

rl_sucks: and I'd say my favourite body part is my mouth. It's been involved in all my best life experiences so far...

kinky_af: like eating and brushing your teeth

rl_sucks: God you're a funny guy. Are you good to go? Thinking about that yummy chest of yours I reckon I'm gonna give you a nice pearl necklace before you go to sleep, yeah? How about you?

Oh christ. Call me dense but I hadn't quite realised this was where we were headed. Text-based cyber-sex? Wanking while typing? Mmmmm-nah. Besides which I wasn't turned on. Not even a little bit. But he didn't know that - and I'd used up a bunch of the guy's time by now...

kinky_af: guess it'd be stupid to turn down that mouth after the way you've advertised it to me...

rl_sucks: Yeah babe, go ahead and use it however you like, I can take it

rl_sucks: afk now

afk? What? I opened a new tab and googled it. Oh. Okay. Away from keyboard. Do not disturb. Busy wanking myself. Damn. Was I the weird one here, or...I sat yawning and rubbing my face, blinking at my screen and wondering whether he'd say anything more or just log off immediately he came. I was...weirdly pleased when a new message popped up a few minutes later.

rl_sucks: omg, that was awesome. How about you? All done?

kinky_af: All done.

rl_sucks: Thanks for that, great chat. You're good value mate even if you're not super-kinky. Hope to see you around again. Sweet dreams.

kinky_af: Night.

I logged out, shut my laptop and sat there just trying to process all of that. Fucking hell. Weird-weird-weird.

But the weirdest thing of all? I felt...almost good. Okay, not horny, and also not all pleasantly I-just-came woozy, but not bored, and not edgy. Tired, but in the right kind of way. Like I might actually sleep. Bet it doesn't last, I thought, heading for the shower. Bet I come down even worse, I thought, brushing my teeth while I waited for the water to get warm enough.

Actually it lasted all the way up to the point where I was clean and dry and about to hop into bed and I remembered it was my dishes night. Fuck! Fucking responsibilities, fucking adulthood. I was so bad at it! Fuck it all! I pulled on some pj pants and stamped out to the kitchen and tried to summon a bad mood, and...it just didn't happen.

Apparently sex chat's good for me even though I don't find it remotely sexy, I thought, as I rinsed. Now that's some weird flex right there. Is it ever kinky to not be into stuff? Or...into it but in the wrong kind of way? Oh, yeah...that. I mean, that's basically the definition of kinky. So I am kinky. I'm so fucking kinky I can't even get off to the idea of a guy getting off to me...

I ended up laughing at myself, which wasn't something that happened very often, and then I wiped down the benches and went to bed and I slept for seven solid fucking hours, which was a thing that happened even less often than finding my shit amusing rather than frustrating...

So that might've been the reason I went back the next day. I made myself wait until 9.30 before I logged in, so that I didn't look like the sad loser who had nothing to do with his evenings but hang around chatrooms hoping somebody would talk to him. Even though that wasn't far from the truth. I was a teeny tiny bit in debt so I needed for my entertainment to be as close to free as possible.

Reid was online, and the same two guys from the previous night, and one other.

rl_sucks: Hey there, kinkster, how's it going?

kinky_af: alright I guess

kinky_af: you?

rl_sucks: Better now you showed up...

hornydude33: aw, your little boyfriend arrived. How sweet.

rl_sucks: fuck me, you DO know how to type. Jealous much?

hornydude33: [vomit]

rl_sucks: sure, if that's the way you roll. Not my thing though. Doubt if even the kinky one is into that

hornydude33: whatever

After that, he shut up - but he didn't log out, and neither did the others. It gave the conversation...a different feel, but despite the sense of having an audience, I didn't want to just quit on the whole thing. Apparently, neither did Reid. That, or he had a bit of an exhibitionist vibe going on.

rl_sucks: SUCH a good cum last night. Feel like I owe you one

kinky_af: I feel like you owe me one as well

rl_sucks:??

kinky_af: yeah. kinky stories. I showed you mine, now you...

rl_sucks: Yikes. What if I told you I was sorta vanilla?

rl_sucks: Did a DP once. That count?

kinky_af: Well it's hot...but kinky? Sure the peanut gallery will let you know

That got me no bites.

rl_sucks: Hey, J? I think the peanut gallery don't care to hear my DP story

gazza001: ffs,you guys KNOW each other? Why don't you just text?

rl_sucks: Soz, are we disturbing you? Were you having a Quaker meeting or something?

kinky_af: Texting not kinky enough anyhow.

rl_sucks: lol. I thought of something, but it's not...I dunno. It's kink-adjacent, maybe? You're probably not gonna get off on it, put it that way.

kinky_af: Try me

rl_sucks: For this to work you have to understand that I present as maybe a bit of a nerd. And also not exactly the life of every party

rl_sucks: Okay, so after I graduated I lived in London for a while and I had some interesting friends and one of them was a performer in a sort of adult cabaret thing

rl_sucks: it was just moonlighting, he had a proper job during the week but anyway he really knew his stuff as far as getting dressed up and he had all the gear, and long story short he convinced me to go out with him one evening in full drag

rl_sucks: I mean the works, like full-on mad wig and latex chest-piece and shiny drapey fabric and nails and earrings and so much fucking makeup

rl_sucks: and while he was doing me up I was just like, what am I getting myself into? Like, dude, I dunno...this is REALLY not me. But when he was finished and I caught sight of myself I realised that's the whole point. It's not me. It's someone else. I get to be someone else for an evening.

rl_sucks: And god it was an amazing feeling. So freeing. This sense of...I can do whatever the fuck I like because...I'm someone else. Someone who does off-the-wall shit like going clubbing as a drag queen

rl_sucks: And I suspect I did do, um, quite a few things but I'm not 100% clear on what they were because I also got properly high for the first and only time in my life and that is something that I want you to now forget I ever said...

Never mind me, I thought. You just announced it to three other guys as well. But...no. They'd all logged out - and the notifications were there in the timeline. I'd just missed them in the process of being engrossed by Reid's story.

kinky_af: What's wrong with getting high every now and then? We've all done it. You think I might be a cop or something?

rl_sucks: No, just...seriously inappropriate given what I do

kinky_af: Crap. Are YOU a cop?

rl_sucks: haha, no.

kinky_af: Lawyer? Shit, have I dumped myself in it here?

rl_sucks: jesus, calm down J. I'm not a lawyer

kinky_af: Um, if you say so?

rl_sucks: I'm a pharmacist, okay? And you would not believe the shit I see, even working at a bog-standard dispensary in the suburbs. Probably ten, twenty times a week there's folk with the jags in the store just trying to get hold of something, anything to tide them over

rl_sucks: and they're so spun out they can't even tell a good story but they're also too spun out to be aware of that and its just excruciating so I guess y'know...

rl_sucks: I'm not trying to tell you what to do btw, just saying I get to see the underside of it pretty much all the time.

kinky_af: It's fine. And we actually have tests at work now so I kinda gave it away a while ago.

rl_sucks: What do you do?

kinky_af: Electrician. Commercial builds mostly.

rl_sucks: afk for a bit

I watched the numbers tick over on the upper right hand corner of my screen for eighteen minutes in between playing games on my phone before concluding he'd ditched me and logging out. Seemed weird. Like, there was no reason to get scared from anything I'd just said, that I could see.

Maybe I've actually been chatting to a fourteen year-old and his mum came in to tell him to go to bed, I thought, heading for the shower. Jeepers. Hope not. Maybe I've been chatting to one of those 'straight' guys and his wife came home unexpectedly. Is that any better? Only marginally...

I knocked one out in the shower and went to bed and had a totally unsatisfactory sleep, which isn't how these things are supposed to work. I slogged through my Thursday on quite a bit more coffee than ideal, which might've heightened my, uhhh...paranoia about maybe having been conned. By somebody who now knew my real name. And my real job. And roughly where I lived.

Less than half an hour after dinner, I bailed on my flatmates, barricaded myself in my room, and logged back into the chatroom. I wanted to see what time he got on, who else he interacted with, what he got up to with them. The place was empty but it was only at this point I realised (yeah, I'm dumb) that my handle would be visible to anybody who joined now I was logged in.