Kiss the Darkness Ch. 02

"Never in my life have I been so insulted." Christian breathed. "I never in million years thought that I'd hear something so vile spoken by you of all people Amos. You who have always stood by me, no matter what."

"I can't stand beside you now." Amos declared. "Not in this. Not when it comes to that boy. I'm sorry Christian, but your father is right about him. He is not worthy of you. Please, I beg you, abandon your misguided loyalty to this boy and come back to your senses."

"Why do you hate him so?" Christian was looking at him with bewilderment now rather than anger. He truly didn't understand Amos's reasoning for distrusting Alexander when he had been nothing but kind and gracious to them both.

Amos turned away, embittered. What could he say now? He'd never before had cause to be dishonest with Christian but for the first time in his life he just couldn't bring himself to tell his friend the truth. His confession would certainly change things between them and probably for the worst. It's true that he'd harbored lustful feelings for Christian for a while now but he'd never found it necessary to tell him this. Until now Christian had always preferred the company of young women to men. He was aware of Amos's fondness for men but it never seemed to bother him.

It wasn't uncommon for men of nobility to take young men as their lovers. In fact father's often took their sons to whore houses when they came of age and encouraged them to sleep with both male and female whores. Kings for centuries had kept male consorts strictly for their sexual predilections, but they didn't love them. The idea of being in a romantic or loving relationship with a same sex partner wasn't taboo but it certainly wasn't something that was encouraged.

Men married women, they had children, and they kept their affairs private. That's how it had always been. Men did not fall in love with other men and they certainly did not marry them. So what good would have come from Amos being honest about his feelings? Even if Christian did return his affections, their relationship could be nothing more than a secret love affair outside of Christian's marriage to his Queen, and that was something Amos couldn't accept. He had no delusions of marrying Christian and ruling at his side. That was just ludicrous. And he knew that any romantic relationship between them would never be made public; but even that mattered little to him if it meant that they could be together.

What he couldn't do though was share Christian with another. If he were to be with Christian then he wanted to be the only one. He couldn't bear the thought of Christian sharing his bed with anyone else, and he wouldn't be used solely for the Prince's sexual gratification. Until now it hadn't mattered though. Christian had never showen an interest in men but with the arrival of Alexander, all that had changed. In one after noon Alexander had entered the Prince's life and stolen his heart. That was why Amos hated him. He hated that Christian preferred Alexander to him. He hated that Christian looked at Alexander the way he longed for Christian to look at him, and he hated that Christian loved Alexander when Amos should be the one that he loved.

Alexander had swooped in and taken all that Amos loved and he hated him for it. He hated him so much that if Alexander were standing before him now he'd wrap his fingers around his slender neck and choke the life out of him. But he couldn't tell Christian any of that and so he just sulked his shoulders and shook his head. He was so lost, so hurt, and so very alone. He wanted nothing more than to just throw himself into Christian's arms and cry on his chest but he couldn't do that either. As long as Alexander was in the picture, Christian would never love him. He suddenly felt his heart breaking and all he could do was weep.

Christian placed a hand on Amos's shoulder and spoke his name softly and with great concern. "My friend." He said, as though speaking to an injured child. "We have been there for each other, through everything. Good times and bad. I held you when your mother died, and when your father remarried I stood by you, refusing to abandon you even as you felt your father had abandoned you. So please, please Amos, do not shut me out now. Tell me what is troubling you."

Amos turned to look at Christian and when he saw the look in the Prince's beautiful amber eyes his tears came harder and faster like a flood gate had opened and couldn't be contained. "I can not." Amos sobbed. "I'm sorry Christian but I can't tell you." He moved away from him but Christian caught his arm. "Please let me go." Amos begged between his sobs.

"Amos, what am I to you? You're master, your friend, your brother? If you can not talk to me then who can you talk to? I'm the only family you have left. You're hurting and I want to know why. Is it something that I've done or said? I won't leave here until you tell me."

"Please don't make me do this." Amos tried to pull away but Christian clung to him desperately.

"If it's something you think I wouldn't understand then you are wrong. I just told you that I'm in love with Alexander. Does that not prove that you can trust me?" He turned Amos around so that he could look him in the eyes. He wanted Amos to see that he was sincere in his words. "Does it have anything to do with why you left tonight and went to the spa? Are you in love with someone you met there? Are you in love with a prostitute?"

"What?" Amos practically laughed out loud. "Is that what you think, that I'm in love with a whore?"

"I don't know what to think, you won't tell me." Christian was at a loss for what to say. Amos's behavior was confusing him too much. This wasn't like him at all and he knew Amos enough to know that whatever he was hiding from him was something important.

"Are you really that naive that you can't see?" Amos wiped at his own eyes. He wasn't sure what to do but he knew that he couldn't hold back anymore. Christian would not give up and frankly, Amos was too tired to fight him. He felt defeated and exposed. There was nothing left to do but tell the truth and hope that Christian didn't hate him for it. "Can you not see that I am in hell?" He said finally. "I am in hell because I love you Christian. I love you with all my heart and there is nothing at all that I can do about it!" He was breathing rapidly and his entire body was shaking with fear but he also felt a wave of relief wash over him. He'd finally said it, after so long, he'd finally told Christian how he felt.

"I've felt this way for a long time now," He continued. "Though I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself, but when I saw you with that boy I knew that my feelings were true. I love you and I want to be with you. I pray every night that you would one day share these feelings and love me back. Am I fool for thinking this? Is there any chance, any shred of hope, that you feel the same way about me?"

Christian was struck silent. He couldn't think or move. All he could do was stand there and stare at Amos with a look of complete and utter shock. "Amos I..."

"Please don't." Amos turned away from him, suddenly ashamed. "If you're going to tell me that you hate me then please, just go. Dismiss me if you want. Hell, banish me from the palace if you must. But please, don't tell me that you hate me. I could not bear it."

"I don't hate you..." Christian whispered. "I just..." He put his hand behind his head and cupped the back of his neck as he searched for the right words. "I just didn't expect this." He said finally.

"I was scared to tell you." Amos confessed. "Scared of what it might mean for us. Of what would happen between us I mean. I didn't want to cause any stress in our relationship and until today I thought that you were only interested in women. If I had known, if you'd given me any clue before that you could love a man, I would have told you sooner."

"Amos." Christian looked at him thoughtfully but there was also pity in his eyes. He hated the position he was put in. Amos was his friend, his best friend, and he didn't want that to change, but he couldn't return his feelings of affection. He just didn't feel that way about him. "Amos, I respect you for telling me the truth but, I'm in love with Alexander."

Amos's heart broke into pieces. Christian might as well have driven his blade straight through his chest for his words hurt just as bad. He nodded slowly as though answering a question that had not yet been spoken. "So, there it is. You choose him over me?"

Christian sighed. "It's not a matter of choosing one over the other Amos. I just have simply never thought of you in that way. You're like a brother to me and I love you as a brother. I just never even considered the possibility of us ever becoming lovers."

And so the blows kept coming, each new one sharper than the last. Still, Amos had to hold onto his hope, even in the face of defeat. "Maybe...maybe you've never considered it before, but now that you know how I feel perhaps there's a possibility, no matter how small, that you could love me as more than a friend or a brother? You don't have to answer now but you could at least entertain the idea that it could be possible."

"I just don't want to disappoint you, Amos." Christian leaned against the bed post and looked to the floor. "Even if there was a possibility of it before, which I'm not saying there was, but even so, I can't just so easily dismiss my feelings for Alexander. Please try and understand how I feel. I do care for you and I don't want things between us to change but what I am feeling for Alexander is very real and very strong. I truly think he's the one I'm meant to be with. And it has nothing to do with him being male or female, I'd feel the same either way."

Amos bit his lip. He was so sick of hearing that boys name. Everything had been perfect before he came into the picture and now things had been thrown into such turmoil, and over what? Some little nobody? How did Christian even know if anything the boy had told him was even the truth? He could be an escaped slave or a servant that ran away or worse, was excused from his masters service. He dressed like a noble and his hands were clean and smooth but that meant little. He could have been employed as a house servant. He definitely wasn't made for heavy labor. For all either of them knew he could have been employed as his masters stool attendant.

"Christian..." Amos touched Christians cheek, turning his face up to meet his. "You haven't even given me a chance. Have you ever even been with a man at all?"

"Amos really." Christian blushed.

"It's a legitimate question. How can you say you're in love with him when you don't even know what it's like?"

"I've kissed him." Christian told Amos, refusing to look in his eyes.

"A kiss, that's all?"

"Of course that's all!" Christian snapped. "He's not some harlot I picked up off the street."

"Is he a virgin?"

Christian pulled away from Amos's grasp. "I don't know. The issue never really came up. It's not something one asks someone they've just met, though if I were to wager a guess I'd suppose he was."

"And how did he react when you kissed him?"

Christian thought for a moment. The kiss played in his mind over and over again. The way his lips felt, the taste of his mouth, the smell of his hair. Even they way his hand drifted down Alexander's body and rested on his hip. Alexander had leaned into him, pressed their bodies together, but not in a sexual way. It was more intimate than just sex. He held himself against Christian the way a lover would, close, loving, and with so much emotion. He allowed Christian to put his arms around him and they embraced each other. It was an amazing feeling, like two halves of the same piece finally coming together. There was magic in the way they held each other and Christian knew that Alexander felt it too, he must have.

"He kissed me back." Christian said at last. "And yes it was the first time I'd ever kissed a man but it felt right. Something about him just felt so right and when he held himself against me I could feel the passion in his kiss. Something passed between us in that moment. I can't say for sure what it was but I knew that something was there and whatever it was I am almost positive that he felt it too."

"Maybe it wasn't just him though. Maybe he merely awakened something in you that you didn't even know was there. When I first realized that I was attracted to men I was confused. I knew that it wasn't normal. My entire life I'd been taught that men and women belonged together and up until the first time I slept with a man I'd felt that there was just something off about me. That something didn't make sense. I realized what that was too quickly and found myself enjoying the company of men more than I did women. Maybe that's why your hesitant about marrying Jivete. Maybe you've just come to realize that men have more to offer you than women do."

"I've been with plenty of women." Christian argued. "It never felt wrong and I'd never been confused as to what I wanted. I've never looked at a man and felt longing, or lust. I've known from a young age that I've always wanted women and I most certainly never expected to find myself desiring a man. But what I feel for Alexander goes far beyond lust or desire. Not one woman that I've laid with, not one, has made me feel for them what I feel for him. They have never made my heart race, nor caused me to dream of a life with them. After I'd slept with them I walked away feeling satisfied but there was never love there. With Alexander it's different. I can't imagine a day in my life in which he's not a part of it. I want him, but I also just want to be with him. Can you not understand that?"

"I do understand that." Amos told him. "I understand that all too well because it's exactly how I feel about you! Can't you see Christian, you feel these things for Alexander because you've not had the opportunity to experience them with anyone else, but if there were another in your life whom you felt as equally close to, if not closer, then its possible that you would feel the same things for him. You just have to open yourself to the possibility. See what else is out there for you before you decide to give yourself entirely to one person."

Christian shook his head in disagreement. "There is only Alexander. He is the only one that I want, the only one that I love, and the only one that I will ever love."

"He's a child." Amos furrowed his brow as he spoke, growing ever more impatient. "You need a man. A man who is more experienced, a man that can teach you."

"Alexander may be young and innocent but he's not a child. He turned eighteen three months ago but already he has grown so much. He's seen things that have matured him and made him cast his youthful ways aside. Despite the horrors he has seen there still remains a purity within him that draws me in. No man can live up to that. He is perfection in my eyes."

"How can you know for sure when you've never experienced another man, or tasted him?" Amos moved closer to Christian, capturing his chin in his hand. "How can you know so much when you've never even allowed yourself to be taken by another man?"

Christian tried to turn his face away but Amos held him tightly in his grasp. "Stop, Amos." He spoke coldly. "I will not be taken by anyone."

"No, are you so sure?" Amos moved in closer, so close that Christian could feel his hot breath against his skin. He smelled of wine and flowered fragrant that Christian could only assume came from the whore he'd bedded earlier. Christian saw the lust in Amos's eyes, and the need to prove himself but Christian refused to give in. He struggled to pull away but Amos was determined. Before Christian could even react, Amos had pressed their lips together and was kissing him hard on the mouth, forcing his tongue into Christians mouth as he pushed their bodies together.

Christian was flabbergasted as Amos's passion overwhelmed him. Suddenly he pushed Amos away from him, breaking the kiss, and sharply slapped him across the face. "Never do that to me again!" He raged.

Amos staggered backward. Hot tears stung his eyes as his hand fell upon the place where Christian had struck him. He stared at Christian for the longest time, his mouth gaping open and then suddenly, he turned away from him, holding his head in his hands as he wept. Christians spurn was too much for him to handle.

Christian watched Amos withdraw from him and immediately he regretted what he had done. He understood Amos's actions but the kiss had just come so sudden and Christian was taken off guard. He reached out to comfort Amos but Amos shrugged him off. "Amos, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you, not really. You just...I wasn't expecting that." Amos continued to sob into his hands, not acknowledging what Christian was saying to him. "Please look at me." Christian said softly. "Don't leave things between us like this."

"Just go." Amos whispered solely.

"Amos, talk to me. We were both in the wrong. I can admit that. I'll forgive you if you can forgive me."

"Please." Amos shook his head desperately, refusing to look at Christian. "Please just go. I want to be alone."

Christian closed his eyes as he let out a deep, defeating, breath. "Alright." He murmured softly as he let his arms fall to his sides in helpless frustration. "But I really didn't want it leave it this way. You'll know where to find me when you're ready to talk." He turned and exited the room, leaving Amos alone, heartbroken, and his spirits shattered.

__________________________________________________________

Alexander looked at the key in his hand and marveled at the intricate design of the face plate. The number 301 had been etched into the wood and painted a soft, rosy, pink. Carved wild flowers framed the oval plaque, each one carefully hand painted in soft, delicate hues. The key was just a normal looking brass key, heavy and thick, but the ornate design of the plate was really something to behold.

It was the best room in the house. Mrs. McGowan had told him. And the only private room that she had to offer, usually reserved for wealthy travelers. Alexander hadn't expected anything so lavish but Christian had insisted upon it. The other rooms were nice enough. Alexander had a glimpse in a few as he made his way to the third floor. Most of them were furnished with box-beds, a dressing table, and little else. Each room could be occupied by a minimum of four people though Mrs. McGowan said she preferred to only house two to a room unless she was exceptionally busy.

This late in the year though not many travelers would be coming through the area. It was still warm enough, but the leaves had already begun to turn, and the nights were growing colder. No one wanted to be stuck far from home when winter had set in, especially not knowing if they would find lodging in time to escape the bitter cold. Alexander would have been happy to have stayed in the home he was born and raised in but that was no longer possible and he no choice but to leave. He figured he could have found shelter in a barn or stable if some kind couple would allow it. He would have been happy sleeping on a bundle of hay. Even the ground would have been fine with him but he certainly never expected to be put up in such a fine house as this.

He figured Christian must have been a man of some importance in Avimur. The lady of the house seemed excited and eager to please him when she noticed him enter her establishment. She practically fell over herself as she rushed to greet him. Alexander had to admit that it was a bit of a thrill being on the arm of such an influential person but his social standing really didn't matter all that much to Alexander. He himself hadn't come from an extremely wealthy back ground. He had two servants, an old man, and an old woman. They were childless but they were happy. The woman helped his grandmother about the house while the old man took care of chores outside as well as fixing things as they broke.