Knife's Edge Pt. 01

I took off my shoes and tiptoed up the stairs of the apartment building, trying to be as light and elegant as possible. I'd crept in before this late and not woken AJ up. I just had to be careful. I yawned as I reached for the door handle, inserting my keys with laser like precision. I blinked as the door swung open to a well lit room.

"About fucking time." AJ called out from the living room.

"You're still up?!" I went to greet him. He was still in his suit from work, finishing up a whiskey. He smiled at me as I entered and beckoned me over to him.

"They work you too hard." He muttered, pulling me into his arms. I let my head fall to his shoulders. I could already feel my whole body relaxing.

"You too!" I pressed my lips to his neck. "Did you just get home?!"

"About an hour ago." He yawned. "Must be bed now though baby." He squeezed my shoulders and stepped away from me. He smiled and touched ny cheek gently. "You look nice."

"Right." I laughed. "Exhausted, sweaty, reeking of durries... sorry about that, I thought you'd be asleep.... Anyway it's great look for me."

"Are you losing weight?" AJ looked at me thoughtfully.

"Am I?" I definitely wasn't. I never weighed myself but I spent enough time staring at my reflection that I would know.

"You look good." He ran his hands over my shoulders. He bit his lip. His fingers danced over my collar. I felt my heart rate pick up a fraction. I glanced up at him and our eyes met. "Hmm." He gently tugged on my shirt, pulling me close again and sending hot lava through my insides. My eyes fluttered half closed and my mouth parted. He hadn't looked at me like that in forever. He reached his hand behind my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair. He smiled and tugged and I let out a little whimper. "Fuck." He murmured. "Ah. It's so late." He sighed, turning away from me.

"Not soooo late." I didn't let him go. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my lips to his neck.

"Sooooo late." He laughed, mocking me gently. "You want a nightcap though?" He gestured at his whiskey and I sighed as any tension and magic left his body. Well. I'd rather a quickie but if he'd made up his mind he'd made up his mind.

"You sure?" I glanced at his collection.

"Yeah, we both deserve it." He yawned again. "Fuck, at least it's a real night off together tomorrow." He reached for the whisky.

"Oh... yeah. Actually- Kurt asked me to do a pub quiz."

"God that's so sad." He poured the whisky and handed me a glass. "That's what single life is eh? Shit beer in shit pubs with shit quizzes that you're too smart for."

"I thought I might go." I sipped the drink. AJ snorted. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Oh for real." He blinked. "But... It's date night?"

"I mean... we didn't have like... plans..."

"I guess not." AJ shrugged. "I guess I'd just rather have a night with you but..." He ran his eyes over my body slowly. Hmmm. Good point.

"Well... I know you haven't been keen in the past but..." I took a deep breath. "Maybe you'd want to come? And we can bail early and..." I keep my eyes practically glued to the floor as I asked, only peeling them away agonisingly slowly as I realised AJ wasn't replying.

"You're not stupid." He said coldly as my eyes met his. "Why are you asking me a question you know the answer to?"

"Well... I didn't know if you might have changed your mind?" I smiled weakly at him. "It's just a pub quiz with my mates, I think you'd enjoy it."

"You know exactly how I feel about that." He grunted.

"The last time we had this conversation I was 18." I reminded him. "My friends are adults now."

"They're still too young for me." He rolled his eyes. "We have nothing in common."

"AJ." I gently reached for his hand. "You realise that's dumb right?"

"Dumb?" His eyes flashed. His whole body went stiff and cold like he was frozen. His fingers slipped from mine and I winced at my stupid choice of words. "Says you." His hand was suddenly on my chin, clenching it between his thumb and forefinger so hard. I swallowed and felt my Adam's apple against his grip. He was staring at me, searching my face for something and I looked away. I didn't mean that. He knew I didn't mean that. But my throat was so dry I couldn't form the words all of a sudden. "First you ask me to do something I don't want to do. Then you belittle me for it." He jerked my chin up and our eyes met. "What's that about, Rubey?"

"I didn't..."

"Think?" He suggested.

"Yeah." I swallowed. "Mean it." I managed. "I didn't mean you were dumb. And I don't care. You're right, it's a stupid pub quiz, I'd rather be with you anyway."

"Good." He kissed my forehead. My jaw throbbed lightly in pain.

------ ----- -----

"Fuck, space cadet, get some sleep." Joel thumped down next to me ahead of the meeting that afternoon. I really needed to adjust my roster so I wasn't getting to bed at 3am and getting up again work at 6.30. I'd managed to get through the day, but it was in that dozy zombie state where I reacted 30 seconds too slow to everything around me. I glared at Joel and cradled my coffee.

"That bad?"

"Awful." He winced as he took me in. He checked his phone and motioned for me to stand up and follow him. "Come have a dart." He offered. "The cold air will perk you up."

"I don't need a smoke."

"You do." He laughed. "Sit with me while I smoke then, whatever."

"K." I grunted, stumbling after him. We sat down and I stared at the parking lot, taking the durry he offered automatically and lighting it up.

"You're at Jetts eh?"

"Huh?"

"The gym?" Joel rolled his eyes a tiny bit. I sipped on my coffee and tried to clear my head.

"Well, yeah. Like everyone."

"That was my idea." Joel grinned. "They get a discount for signing a bunch of people up, and it's like an extra $10 a week per person or whatever which is way cheaper than a pay rise." He yawned. "Which I wasn't getting anyway but this way they feel like they've done something good." He glanced at me. "What are you squatting? Looks decent."

"Thanks." I felt myself turn a bit pink. Great. So my biggest fear was confirmed and people were watching and judging me at the gym. "Um. I dunno. 80 on the bar?" I glanced at him. I was exaggerating. His eyebrows raised a little and he nodded.

"Huh." He didn't betray if that was impressive or pathetic. "That's good. Getting up to your body weight?"

"Ish." Ugh. My face was on fire. I was so not built for gym talk. "Uh...you?"

"120." He took a drag of his cigarette as I cringed at myself. Ugh. Triple what I could actually consistently manage. "We could both push it." He said thoughtfully. "Get to double our body weight I reckon."

"Uh... I'm not aiming to be an elite athlete...." I laughed awkwardly.

"Na it's fun though." He stretched out. "Gotta stay on top of your body in a job like this." I looked pointedly at his cigarette- not that I had much of a leg to stand on there.

"Ah, yeah." He laughed. "One step at a time."

"Hmm." I grunted non committedly. I couldn't understand what we were doing here. Small talk wasn't exactly our thing. Small talk like I was some sort of gym bro was almost comical.

"So... look." Joel suddenly shuffled closer to me. "I'm about to get reamed. Any chance you could... talk me up a bit in this meeting?"

"Are you?" I glanced at him. The whole conversation was suddenly starting to make a lot more sense.

"That extractor fan." Joel groaned. "Completely my fuck up. It was due for maintenance three months ago and that's on me to book that in, and I didn't... and then I fucking turned it off the other day and it wouldn't switch back on which is why there was a drama... anyways. Sweet talk them into not firing me? You're way better with words than I am."

"Why did you turn it off?" I frowned. "To hot box the kitchen?" Joel put his head in his hands and winced at me through his splayed fingers.

"Pretty much?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I swore at him.

"I know!" He whined. "But you said I did a good job when I realised I'd fucked everything up!"

"Before I realised YOU had fucked everything up!" I snorted. "What are you asking me for here?"

"Can you just say I kept my cool or whatever and we had excellent comms which saved the day? And I'll say I've learned my lesson about maintenance.... And neither of us mention that I was fiddling around with anything yeah?" I stared at him and glanced at his cigarette packet. Joel handed me another one without a word said. The thing was, no one really wanted the owners poking around in anyone's shit more than they already did. And they absolutely would start poking around if they heard that. Besides which, it wouldn't be bad for Joel and I to be a team for the first time in our lives. And if I had loyalty to anyone in this place it was always gonna be staff over owners. I looked up to see Joel grinning at me. "I owe you one." He punched my shoulder in camaraderie.

"You owe me more than one." I grumbled.

"I got you." He jumped up and offered me his hand. "And you really do look like shit. You have tonight off yeah? You should rest up."

"You're so damn charming, Joel. Can't imagine why you're single." I rolled my eyes as I let myself be led back into the restaurant.

"I'm a chef, that's why I'm single." He winked at me as we sat down and waved to Lydia and Marty who were at the other end of the room, walking towards us. "Frankly I'm astonished anyone would date you with the unsociable hours."

He said unsociable hours. I heard that. But I didn't go in. The bit that went in was 'I'm astonished anyone would date you."

At least we had a meeting to distract me.

---

"Why didn't you stop service the second you found out the extractor was broken?!" Marty had his eyes closed and his hand across his forehead. I could feel Joel tense up.

"Because..."

"We had $10,000 of tabs open." I interrupted before he could say something stupid. "Joel and I made the call together to keep service going. There was no disruption. He made sure the kitchen was safe to work in. To be honest I would have argued even if he had tried to stop service." Marty turned to me.

"And what was the problem? Have we had anyone out to look at it?" A vein in Joel's neck was pulsing. I got it actually. It's wildly irritating to be spoken down to by an owner who doesn't know the first thing about how his restaurant operates.

"Yep!" I said brightly. "Joel's booked them in for every six months going forward as well, you know, as a..."

"Preventative." Joel muttered.

"Well... brilliant work then." Lydia smiled, her plasticky lipstick glinting in the light. Joel and I glanced at each other and smiled thinly back. These people... you just can't trust them. They're from a different world.

"Thanks." Joel mumbled. "And thanks, ah, space- ah, Rueben. He uh. You got a good level head." He nodded at me without meeting my eye.

"God, the time." Lydia suddenly jumped as she looked at her phone. "Alright, you two enjoy your nights off. Have a glass of wine before you go, on us."

We stood up and hugged and shook hands and I felt the weight leaving my shoulders as I heard the squeak of the back door. I glanced at Joel.

"You can have a beer." I suggested.

"Thanks." He laughed. "Waiting for Kurt to finish up anyway. He's dragging me to a pub quiz." Joel thumped back down heavily and pulled out his phone. I glared at at Kurt from across the room as I put through our staff drinks on the point of sale. What the fuck? I thought Kurt had just as many problems with Joel as I did. Not that I cared. Not like I was going.

I sat down and pulled out a book. Joel snorted.

"Something funny?" I asked him stiffly.

"Yes, you book reading, Merlot drinking, wanker." He shook his head at me. "I'll bet $10 you studied Philosophy at University."

"What's wrong with philosophy?"

"Well, you're managing a restaurant aren't you? So can't have been the best choice you ever made."

"I studied music."

"Really?" He glanced at me. "What do you play?"

"Percussion."

"Oh even fucking better." He laughed. "I can see you in a suit with a triangle." He cracked himself up and I went back to my novel.

"What's this?" He grabbed the book off me and inspected the back cover. "A magpie? Is this for kids?" I balled my fist up under the table.

"Yeah, maybe you'd like it?" I responded. "If you ever managed to finish that book about that caterpillar who was like, really hungry?"

"Fuck off, nerd." Joel laughed. "Yeah, not much of a reader." He peered at the page I was on. "I have dyslexia." He informed me between mouthing words silently. "This is weird." He frowned. "Talking magpie?"

"Well, luckily, no one's forcing you to give a shit." I pulled the book off him just in time for Kurt to arrive with our drinks and pick it up.

"Oh I've been meaning to read this." He inspected the cover. "Better or worse than 'Pet'?" He handed me my wine and poured Joel's beer one handed while studying the book. He's a bit magic actually. We should probably pay him more.

"Objectively maybe a less perfectly crafted book, but I like it more."

"Oh god, you two are the worst." Joel moaned.

"Shhh baby, the grown ups are talking." Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yay!" He suddenly looked up from the book and at me. "Pub quiz!"

"Oh you're coming?" Joel asked.

"Na, I have plans."

"Oh." Joel nodded.

"What plans?" Kurt put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrows at me. "And if any of the words out of your mouth are 'cook', 'AJ', or 'dinner', I'm not having it."

"My partner and I were going to have a stay at home date night." I folded my arms. "Allowed?"

"He's literally chained to his boyfriend." Kurt informed Joel. "When was the last time you two spent a night apart?"

"We spend most nights apart because I'm here until 1am." I could see Kurt open his mouth to argue. "It's not going to work." I told him. "I made up my mind." I glanced at the time. "I'm going for a cigarette." I mumbled. Without a word Kurt sighed, glanced at Joel, and returned with two coffee mugs that we dutifully poured our drinks into before heading outside.

"Well. I owe you a thanks." Joel shrugged. "For..."

"You already said thank you." I stopped him.

"No, that was a thank you in advance; this is a thank you for doing a good job." He grinned.

"All good." I pointedly pulled out my book and we sat in silence as I read. I would have to go back and reread the same words over and over again because every now and then Joel would sigh, or mutter something under his breath and it distracted me. Eventually he stood up.

"Kurt must be finishing up." He yawned. "Have fun tonight." He winked lewdly.

"You too." I said.

---- ---- ---- 2.

You know that liminal space between theory and praxis? Between conscious incompetence and conscious competence? Between asleep and awake? The push and pull of comfort and discomfort? The will to stick in the same place you know, and the drive to move somewhere else...

He smelled different. I frowned and let the smell penetrate my consciousness before anything else. He smelled like whiskey and something sweet. Something fresh and fruity and kind of feminine.

"You're home." I blinked my eyes open. They were irritated and puffy. AJ looked at my face and I saw his eyes fall in the corners. For half a second I felt good that he felt bad. "What time is it?" I glanced at my phone. 9.30pm. Oh.

"I got caught up at work." He swept his coat off, and tucked his shoes away. He glanced at the oven. "I already ate, baby, I'm sorry." He sighed.

"I called." I said. As if he didn't know.

"My phone was off. Late meeting. I'm really sorry darling."

"It's just... if I knew you were busy I could have..."

"I know." He sounded annoyed now.

"Well. I guess this will be nice for lunch." I got off the couch and brushed past him to the kitchen. I set out two lunch boxes and carefully scraped out the beautifully pan roasted carrots with honey and thyme and rosemary and chilli into them. I arranged the lamb cutlets and tore up the garlic flatbread, wrapping it up in beeswax paper before placing it in a different compartment on top. AJ was pouring himself another whiskey. I filled the sink up with soapy water and placed the baking sheet pan in it to soak. I glanced at AJ.

"Going out for a smoke." I mumbled. His head jerked up at me.

"The rule is not at home."

"Well, I'll go down to the street." I reached for my coat and AJ tutted.

"Disgusting." He rolled his eyes as he rattled through the china cabinet. He handed me an ashtray. "On the balcony. But don't think this is happening again anytime soon."

"Honestly, I'll head down." I yawned. "I could do with the exercise."

"Don't be stupid." AJ sighed, opening the balcony door and ushering me out.

"Thanks." I mumbled as he shut the door.

I shook my head at myself and didn't light up. I had never smoked at home. I tried to limit myself to breaks at work and even then I still tried to shower before I'd see AJ. He was right about smoking. It was the industry that made me start, the camaraderie, the quick little pulse away from everything you got, and, a dark part of me admitted, I was scared my appetite would increase if I stopped. So why now?

Because I was fucking raging. Who the fuck did he think he was, basically FORBIDDING me going out and then DITCHING me without a fucking text to explain it?! What the fuck?! And he reeked of whiskey. He reeked before he'd cracked the bottle open. What kind of meeting would you be drowning yourself in single malt for? Single malt and... perfume.

Late nights. No sex. Perfume.

I closed my eyes.

"Are we ok?" I swung the door open. AJ glanced up from his phone. He paused as he looked at me and slowly arranged his face into a look of confusion.

"What do you mean, baby?" He said softly, motioning for me to join him on the couch.

"I mean: are we ok?" I sat heavily beside him and closed my eyes. "Its been weeks since we had a night together..."

"We had Monday together." He interrupted.

"Ok, sure." I sighed. "Is it the weight?" I mumbled, as close to silently as I could manage. "I'm going to the gym." I offered.

"That's good." He kissed my head and pulled me in to cradle him. "What are you asking, Rubey?"

"You don't find me attractive anymore, do you?" I'd buried my head in his arm and it came out muffled. But he heard.

"Enough of this crap." He pulled me off him, shaking me a little. "I think you're gorgeous. A little weight doesn't change that. And it's just a phase anyway. You're working too hard and I never see you. I'm working too hard too, I know." He sighed and brushed his fingers against my cheek. "I've been meaning to ask you." He sighed and took my hands. His fingers entwined with mine and a serious look crossed his face. My heart thumped. "Rueben... would you... consider..." He caressed my fingers. I felt my breath trapped in my chest. "Stepping back from work?" He asked.

I pulled my hands away without thinking.

"What?!" I recoiled from him.

"Rubey, don't." He winced. "Look. It's not good for you. You're eating like shit, you're smoking, you're tired and I never see you. You don't even want this job! You used to be in orchestras! Why don't you find a nice little community orchestra, and I'll buy you a recording set up and you can do what you love?"

"And... cook and clean for you?" I spat out.

"You already cook and clean for me." He laughed. I couldn't see the joke. "Oh, sweetheart." He shook his head as he saw my face. "This wasn't meant to be an attack. I love you and I want you to be ok. I want the happy guy I first met back. And I know you- you want to be the best at everything you do. Even the things you hate. But I make good money now. I am more than happy to support us. And you can do the things you've always wanted. Write a novel, or a symphony. I'm trying to offer you a way out of misery."