Knife's Edge Pt. 01

"Sorry." Joel swallowed. "I didn't mean..."

"Joel. There's no world in which that's ok." I interrupted him.

"Ok." He nodded, turning a little pink himself. "Roger that." He cleared his throat. "Sorry Rueben. My mates... I just didn't have a problem with it... but yeah I know people do."

"Context." I folded my arms.

"Gotcha." He winced and fiddled with his bag. "I am sorry. I meant it in a nice way." I stared at him and my lips began to twitch in spite of myself.

"What fucking rock have you been living under where there's a 'nice way'?!" I half giggled, while trying to maintain my stony exterior.

"The it's 2024 and the whole queer community call each other fags all the time rock?" He smiled a tiny bit.

"Yeah, you have to be IN the queer community." I relaxed. He was a moron. He was an asshole. But actually, he never really read like a gay basher to me. Joel grinned and held his arms up in protest.

"So I'm in the clear, you moron!" He laughed.

"Right."

"Card carrying member and all!"

"Whatever..."

"Wait, no, this is precious Rubes. Did you seriously not know?"

"Know what?"

"I like boys." Joel grinned. "LIKE like them." I think it was by accident, but when he said that his eyes narrowed, and I'm sure it wasn't what it felt like but my cheeks grew hot as he looked at me, briefly breaking eye contact and looking at my body. "I'm queer, Rubes."

"You..." I blinked. That rush of blood to my cheeks was getting worse. I swallowed as I waited for the ground to swallow me up, but no luck there. "Like... how queer?" I squeaked out.

"Oh is there a point system?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "You're a gold star gay so I don't count?" He laughed and started to unpack his knives. "I absolutely take your point about certain worlds, and I swear I won't say that again, and I am sorry it slipped out at all, but for what it's worth, regardless of how many women I've been with, I fucking bet I've been with more men than you, so you can make a note of that." I was so, so red. I mean. I've actually only been with AJ so sure, odds of him hooking up with more men than me if he... was...

"Just no slurs at work." I quickly turned back to the door.

"Heard." I waved him off in the most nonchalant gesture I could summon up. To my deep shame he approached me and I tried to keep working as he stared at what I was doing, his arms folded, just in my peripheral vision.

"You really know what you're doing, don't you?" He inspected my work.

"Kind of." I muttered.

"You're always happiest when you're off the floor fixing stuff." He leaned on the doorframe and looked at me. "Yeah?"

"Well. Uh." I rubbed my neck. "I guess, sure. It's kind of a reprise from the monotony of everyday bullshit."

"And you like that no one else can do it." He raised his eyebrows. "You like being special." I glared at him and he looked right back, impassive.

"It's nice to feel useful." I said shortly. "Can I help you?"

"Nope." He said. I grunted and turned back to the door, and to my relief, he went back to the kitchen.

----

"Did you know Joel is bi?" I asked Kurt as soon as he sat next to me and lit up his cigarette.

"Ahhh..." He laughed. "No? Do I care? Also no? Why?"

"Oh don't act like you aren't the world's biggest gossip. And I was just surprised! He's such an asshole!"

"Yeah 'jerk' comes in all colours of the rainbow." Kurt shrugged. "Thought you'd know that since you're practically married to one."

"Hey!" I sighed. "Ok, not today. He kind of has been a bit of a jerk lately and I don't want to talk about it."

"What now?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" I snapped. My indignancy lasted about half a second. "He keeps going through my phone." I let my head fall in my hands. "Is that normal?"

"Some couples do that phone access thing, yeah." Kurt raised his eyebrows. "I think it's controlling but I thought you didn't want to talk about it."

"I don't." I lied.

"Do you look at his phone?" Kurt ignored me.

"No." Kurt winced and I rolled my eyes. "Look. Even if he was doing... I don't know... whatever... do you really think he'd be stupid enough to like... leave Grindr open?"

"Good point." Kurt nodded. "But it's about equality. If he can snoop on you, you should be able to snoop on him."

"I don't even want to snoop on him. I think that's stupid."

"Why is he going through your phone?"

"Long story." I moaned. "There was... this whole thing. But I kind of thought it would be a one off."

"What kind of 'whole thing'?" Kurt stared at me. A smile slowly came out. "Don't tell me you have other boys' numbers?"

"No! Why would you..." I cleared my throat as I realised I very much did have another boy's number. And I hadn't thrown it out all day, despite clearing my pockets of stray pens and debris several times. "Uh, no." I finished lamely.

"Wow, you're actually the worst liar I've ever met." Kurt looked at me thoughtfully. "I sort of want to study that. You'd crack under the tiniest bit of pressure. Imagine if they could analyse that and inject criminals with whatever you have? Be a marvel for the justice system..."

"Shut up!" I laughed. "Ok, ok. I HAVE a guys number. I'm not doing anything with it, I'm not interested, it was some random delivery guy and..."

"Oooh, hot."

"Can it!"

"Delete his number then."

"It's not in my phone." I smiled thinly.

"Oh." Kurt sighed. "So you don't have another guys number."

"Welll...." I winced and slowly put my hand into my pocket.

"Ahhhh." Kurt frowned as I handed him the scrap of paper. "You're holding on to it in case you need a new staff member?"

"I don't know." I winced. "Holding on to it because he thought I was hot, and that was nice." I admitted with a sigh. "I'll chuck it out."

"Yeah." Kurt sighed and crumpled it up. "Don't lead some random guy on, I guess. Good call." He put his arm around my shoulder. "It IS nice to feel wanted." He squeezed me. "But you should feel wanted by AJ. You should tell him how you're feeling."

"I thought you wanted me to break up with him?"

"Naturally." Kurt laughed. "Nothing's changed. But I also want you to be an adult about things. You've spent what... six years with AJ?"

"Bit longer."

"So don't be the bad guy and get caught cheating. End it for a good reason."

"You're so annoying when you're right."

"I know."

I still had a couple of hours of closing to go, at least half an hour of which was spent twiddling my thumbs and waiting for Joel, since we weren't allowed to be alone in the restaurant after it was dark. Half an hour was a long time to be alone with my thoughts, and I'd accidentally left my headphones at home.

I don't know what I was thinking, or why, or who the hell possessed me, but...

I had seen Kurt throw that number away. I picked it out of the trash, held on to it like some kind of talisman, and I was drinking my staffie while waiting for Joel- and all of that added up to something unbelievably stupid.

- Hey. You gave me your number delivering food last night.

I sent it and bit my lip.

- For Alex James, sorry, not sure how often you do that. In that apartment on Tory St.

He read it immediately.

- Heyyyyy

- Pleasant surprise to hear from you Alex 😉

- What are you up to?

- Oh, and like, never, dude. I usually use an app ha ha, but hey it worked!

I snorted. Sure.

- so, can I ask... why?

- Because I think you're 🥵

- How?

- You first

I winced. I tried to remember what he even looked like. He was hot, but you know most people are hot enough in their own ways. If I was honest, he didn't really like, make my heart beat faster or anything, but I wasn't being honest. I just wanted to hear someone tell me they liked me.

- Uh, you're tall. Sorry, that's so cliche. Your hair is lovely- I thought only Hugh Grant could pull that off! You're really confident. I can't even imagine just giving a guy my number. I'm impressed and kind of intimidated

- And kind of turned on? 😛

- Ha ha

- Admit it.

- So... me?

- Oh, you're fishing aren't you?

- Huh?

- As if you don't know why you're hot. But I can indulge you. You looked fucking hot in that singlet. Your arms, dude. Nice. You're pretty face is hot, with that sweet lil stubble you got going on. You're a very good height.

- A good height?

- Well.... 😈😈 I think a bit of size difference is hot tbh

I glanced up as Joel entered my space with a yawn.

"Fuck man. Sorry. Didn't mean to keep you."

"No, no worries."

"Just turns out the brunch crew doesn't know how to rotate stock to save their lives." Joel rubbed his face. "Which is like, I guess my problem. I hate telling people off."

"Yeah fucking tell me about it." I stood up and shoved my phone in my pocket. "Telling people they're fucking idiots is the worst bit of my job."

"Ah, but you do it so well." Joel grinned as we headed to the door. "As someone on the receiving end."

"Shut up." I laughed.

"Sure. Dart?" Joel glanced at his phone. "Oof. Late. Lift and dart?"

"Oh I was gonna Uber but thanks..."

"Na fuck that! Come on."

"Shit, you sure?"

"Yeah bro."

"Uh. Thanks." I set the alarm and locked the restaurant.

-----

"Music?" Joel asked and then immediately covered the aux. "Nope. Not your crap."

"Ok, it's not all crap." I laughed. "Although I will cop to PowerWolf being crap and I think we should never speak about it again."

"Ah-huh." Joel drummed his steering wheel. "So what's 'not crap' then. What's the latest album you've been into?"

"Ahh..." I looked at my phone. "Slower? It's um... Slayer... slowed down. Doomy."

"Doomy." Joel repeated. "Ugh, ok. We can try it."

"It's your car." I nudged him. "What have you been listening to?"

"I'm Just Ken- on repeat for months." He said. I started to laugh and he hit me gently. "Not even joking." He said seriously.

"Really?"

"Put it on." He suggested with a smile.

He knew every. Single. Word. I'd never even heard the whole thing. Not my kind of film. At least, I thought not until I heard Joel's performance which only resulted in him drifting way too close to the centre line a couple of times as he threw his arms out wildly and played air guitar.

"We should start an air band!" I suggested, showing him my drumming skills. He glanced at me and raised his eyebrows.

"Not bad for a boy who plays the triangle." He said.

"Percussion is drums!" I laughed. "Among other things."

"You're a drummer?" He frowned. "Ahhh, that explains the guns. I knew you didn't get that lifting 40." Ugh, I blushed furiously. Joel seemed to hear my humiliation in the silence. "I lied too." He said, turning the music down. "I can only lift 120 on a really good day."

"You could have fooled me." I glanced at his frame involuntarily. "Just up here." I pointed.

"Sweet." He pulled over and we paused as he turned the car off. I unbuckled my seatbelt. He was staring dead ahead. I cleared my throat.

"Thanks for the lift-"

"I wasn't watching you I just-"

We paused as we spoke over each other.

"Next time we're in the gym together you can train me." I suggested, trying to swallow the embarrassment.

"Ok." He swallowed. "Hey, space cadet, I..."

He frowned. His hands left the steering wheel and before I processed anything, they were on my hips. I twisted, surprised, and saw his eyes fluttering closed as he leant in and...

His lips didn't even quite touch mine. I felt his heat and his breath, and that was it.

"Fuck." He swore as he lurched away. "I'm sorry Rubes. I didn't... fuck. I'm sorry." I watched his head hang as I tried to catch my breath.

"Thanks for the..." I paused with my hand scrabbling in the door handle. "Sorry- did you just...??"

"It's easier for both of us if I didn't." Joel mumbled. "Please... forget I..."

"Why?" I stared at him. He snorted. He stared doggedly at the steering wheel for a minute as I struggled to move.

"Why?" He glanced up. "You seriously asking?"

"No. Sorry. No, I'm not. No: I don't know what I'm rambling about. Thanks for the lift. Uh... thanks."

"See ya." Joel mumbled.

"Yeah, tomorrow, cheers!"

"Uh. K. Bye." Joel grabbed the door from me as I shimmied out and slammed it shut.

---

My heart was so fucking loud. I could hear it over my footsteps as I trudged up the stairs. So loud and so fast. I kept shaking my head. No. No way what I thought just happened just happened. Why would...

No. Nothing happened.

"Late again." AJ called as I opened the door.

"Look who's talking." I grinned and let myself fall onto the couch beside him. He squeezed my shoulders and pulled me close.

"Works been a lot." He yawned. I pressed my face to his neck and murmured in agreement. I closed my eyes tight and tried to calm everything down. I'd been so crazy. HE'D been so crazy. I was working myself into a fever pitch and the only way I'd be on again is if I just grounded myself with him. I inhaled his scent as my arms wrapped around him. Ugh. Fruit again.

"New cologne?" I asked.

"Mmm." AJ was scrolling his phone.

"It's nice. What is it?"

"I don't know." He snapped. "Tried it at Workshop earlier."

"Ok." I tensed up a little. "Just wondering. I like your usual stuff too."

"Your phone is ringing." He nudged me as I reached for it. Must have been an alarm I'd accidentally set or...

My face went pale as I pulled it from my pocket to silence the alarm. Only it wasn't an alarm. It was a phone call. And rejecting the call only brought up a bunch of messages I hadn't seen because I'd totally forgotten I'd even been... fuck. Why the fuck didn't I ...

AJ went very stiff. Shit.

"Oh lord, that's Kurt from work, he's having me on." I laughed awkwardly, trying to hide my phone. AJ sat up.

"Is it, now?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he..." AJ sighed heavily and held out his hand. I stared at him. He gestured for my phone.

"Seriously?"

"Don't whine."

"I'm not..." AJ grabbed my wrist and I froze as he wrestled the phone from my hands. Oh fuck. Why didn't I delete that guys number?! Why did I text him?! Oh shit. My whole life was about to fall apart. "AJ..." I whispered. He glared at me. His eyes scanned the messages. He grunted. "Ok, that looks bad..."

"It does." He folded his arms.

"I can explain..." I stuttered.

"Just this guy?" AJ glanced at me. I felt myself starting to shut down as I saw his face.

"Yes." I whispered. I flinched as AJ flung his glass across the room.

"Why would I trust a lying slut?" He glared at me.

"I'm not! You know I'm not!"

"Fucking LIAR." AJ shook my phone at me.

"AJ, calm down, I swear it's not as bad as it looks...."

"Calm down?" AJ stood up. "Calm the fuck down? I think I'm pretty fucking calm! What the fuck is this?"

"Ok, so thisguygavemehisnumberandiwasn'tlikeinterestedIPromisebut...." I started rambling, trying to spit all the words out as fast as possible because it didn't feel like I had much time... AJ grabbed the scruff off my collar and pulled me up to face him.

"I can read, you fucking idiot." He stared into my eyes.

"No, but the only reason I texted was because I wanted..." My phone hit the wall behind my head. "Fuck!" I swore.

"Ok. You're out. Get out."

"Wh..."

"You have a guy waiting, go stay at his for all I care."

"You don't mean that!"

"Don't tell me what I mean! Get the fuck out of my house."

I reached out to placate him. I opened my mouth. Our eyes met. I closed my mouth and nodded silently, picking up my phone on the way out. AJ followed me, blocking the doorway with his frame as he effectively muscled me to the door.

"I just wanted someone to tell me I'm attractive." I pleaded with him. He raised his hand and I stepped back.

"Excellent excuse, did you practice that?" His hand gripped the door.

"Alex..."

"Out."

"I have nowhere to..." AJ cut me off by slamming the door in my face. I was too slow to stop him. My breath caught in my throat as I heard the lock turn.

To be continued