Knife's Edge Pt. 01

"Yeah. You're right." I took a deep breath that sounded steadier than it felt. "Ok. I'll clean up. I'll see you in bed."

"Ok." He squeezed my shoulder as I climbed off him, my arms tightly wound around myself. I quickly reached for some sweatpants to cover me. I could feel my cheeks going red with the shame of the whole situation. I managed to block out any thoughts at all by putting my headphones in and turning up Slower while I systematically tidied the kitchen. If I could just keep moving, keep my hands busy...

Ugh. We'd been so close to being ok again.

I sighed as I turned the dishwasher on and stared glumly at the bedroom door. He hadn't locked it at least. Maybe he really was just tired. Maybe he really didn't know what it did to me when he wound me up and turned me down like that. I was starting to avoid mirrors because I was losing hours picking away at every flaw. I hadn't had time for the gym in a couple of days and I pinched various parts of my body... well. That was an ongoing process. Maybe I would shave. I felt like I looked like a kid when I shaved because of my big eyes and soft features and keeping my stubble mascs it up a bit... but...

I hung out the laundry on the drying rack and accidentally caught sight of myself in the French door separating the kitchen and laundry. I trailed my hand over my chest. Maybe I needed to shave it all. Maybe I needed to strip away a layer of something. Maybe I needed to get my relationship back to a reset point.

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, avoiding my own eye and reading shampoo bottles. My hand almost absentmindedly drifted to my cock, which twitched urgently at my touch. The build up with no pay off was almost starting to be painful and I moaned as I closed my eyes and played with myself gently. The toothbrush stopped buzzing and I looked at myself guiltily as I swirled some mouthwash. I could do it really fast. I could probably make myself cum in five minutes easy. I stared at the dusting of hair across my pecs and the dark trail between my abdomen. Yeah I'd jerk off, and then I'd shave my whole chest and face, and this time I'd keep everything shaved forever.

I still had my earbuds and I shuffled my sweatpants down as I looked up some porn on my phone. It literally didn't matter at all what I was watching, my dick was just desperate for some attention. In all honestly my hole was even more desperate but I was probably a fraction not desperate enough to shove a shampoo bottle up my ass. I stifled a moan as the ads started to play. Even the ads were doing it for me. I let myself collapse on the toilet and I wrapped one hand around my dick as the other gently squeezed my balls and circled my hole. My dick throbbed in my hand and my hole twitched. I'm sure there was moisturiser nearby but I was starting to feel desperate, so I brought my hand to my mouth and slobbered on my fingers as I kept thrusting into my other hand. I was biting back the sounds of pleasure from touching myself, but my breathing was heavy, and hearing my own strained grunts and moans tangling with the boys from the porn I'd put on was turning me on so much. I whimpered as I penetrated myself gently with a finger... it had been a while, a really long time, and I gasped as I went straight for my sweet spot. I could feel my hands getting slippery with pre. I thrust harder, penetrating myself deeper as my dick throbbed in my hands...

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

My heart froze. My body was going into overdrive. I scrambled to get myself together, grabbing a towel as I launched myself my from the toilet seat. My phone clattered on the floor and an ear bud fell into the sink. My face and chest were red and hot with shame. AJ was staring at me with a frown. He scanned me thoughtfully as his mouth curled up in disgust. I avoided his eye, staring at the ground as I held the towel in front of me. My sweatpants were down around my ankles and I debated reaching for them as AJ bent over and picked up my phone. He glared at me and raised his eyebrows.

"Password." He demanded flatly. I frowned.

"What?" My voice was hoarse and quiet. "I was just..."

"Pretty obvious what you were doing." AJ rolled his eyes. "The question is who with."

"No one!" I looked at him in horror. "Just... porn." I stammered. AJ pursed his lips and tapped his foot. I looked at my phone in his hand, which was tense, clutching it so tightly I was almost scared he'd crush it. "060889." I mumbled. His face softened a little bit as he looked at me and unlocked the phone. I awkwardly pulled my joggers up and wrapped the towel over my shoulders. It was so saccharine, having his birthday as my passcode, but it had seemed kind of cute and funny at the time and I never thought to change it. It was probably a good thing for me that I did stupid stuff like that because I could see his body relaxing, and tiny lines of concern fade from his face as he fiddled with my phone- looking for god knows what. Messages? Grindr? Whatever it was he wasn't going to find it. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, looking at me; taking in how stupid I looked with my dick still half hard from the adrenaline and the towel draped around me like I was trying to protect myself from something. He stepped close and gave me back my phone.

"I never see you. You're acting weird. You've got this whole new look." AJ ran his hand over my shoulder and squeezed my bicep. "I get it. I could understand if you found someone your own age who..."

"Stop it." I stepped closer to him and grasped his shoulders. I glared at him. He was taller than me but I drew myself up as tall as I could and felt myself shaking him slightly. "AJ, stop it. You know I love you! I don't want anyone else. You know that." AJ nodded slowly. His hands circled my wrists and he gently pulled my arms away from his shoulders, and wrapped them around his waist. He brushed a strand of hair off my face and clasped my chin.

"Tell me you need me to finish you off next time." He said quietly.

"Ok." I could feel my cheeks heating up again. He squeezed my chin tight.

"Now?" He growled. I looked away from him in embarrassment. I was in a strange only half lucid state and my guts and feet were itching to run away... but my balls were aching.

"Please." I let myself fall against him. He clasped me tight and snaked his hand into my trousers.

It didn't take long. His hand was bigger than mine, and he squeezed my cock tight as he pressed me to his chest. I inhaled his scent, shaking with everything. Lust, and also shame, and also fear... not that any of it mattered because my whole body was wound up in this tight rubber band ball that was stretched so thin....

I moaned as I came, my hips thrusting into AJ's hand, my grip loosening around him as the wave of relaxation crashed over me. AJ held me close, his hand still wrapped around my dick as it pulsed, his other hand stroking my hair.

"Thanks." I mumbled. He kissed my forehead and slowly removed his hand from my sweatpants and let me go. He picked up my earbud from the sink and inspected it. "That'll be fine." He told me, putting it to one side before washing his hands. "You feeling any better?" He glanced at me in the mirror. I nodded slowly.

"Way better." I gave him a half hearted smile.

"Come to bed."

"I was gonna shave." I looked at him. "Like..." I gestured to my chest and his eyes lit up.

"Oh." He turned around and pulled me close again. "Well, come to bed soon then." He kissed my forehead. "Do this too." He gently squeezed the damp fabric between my legs as he exited.

----

I was really glad Kurt wasn't at work the next day. I was really glad AJ had work early and I didn't have to see him. Something weird had happened last night. We'd had a lot of shit nights. But the way he'd burst in on me, the way he'd looked at me like I was a filthy little kid doing something I shouldn't... the way he'd taken my phone...

The way he'd stroked my body gently in the morning when he was leaving for work and told me how much better I felt now that I was smooth.

I didn't feel better. I didn't feel like me at all. I felt a weird deep shift occurring, and whenever I closed my eyes and thought about AJ I felt a tiny bit of darkness invading the warm glow that normally surrounded him.

I drifted through work, putting 110% in because the more I could concentrate on my job the less I had to think about how I was feeling. I splashed my face in the bathroom and noticed with satisfaction that my stubble was already coming back. Joel had given me shit when I arrived. He told me I'd shaved almost ten years off, which was actually the point, I guess, since AJ had met me ten years ago. Joel was right. I looked like a kid. AJ always had a thing for twinks.

I went for a cigarette later than usual, down to the very last table and staff member and for once I was glad to see Joel outside. Literally anything that could plug this gaping wound that something was terribly terribly wrong between AJ and I was preferable to thinking about it. Joel handed me his cigarettes and I waved him away since I had my own.

"Na, you earned it!" He grinned. "You were INCREDIBLE this evening." He stretched out, his shirt riding up. I noticed with surprise he was wearing Andrew Christian underwear. I looked at him blankly. One of those nights where kitchen side almost everything had gone wrong- a chef not showing up, one of the ovens not working, a misdelivery of lamb shoulder so we had to axe that and sell a last second sirloin special instead. The fact that Joel was smiling was a testament to his ability to run a kitchen actually. "You made that feel smooth given how up shit creek I was." Joel grinned at me. "Maybe it's the new look, makes you more approachable."

"Don't get used to it." I scratched my chin. "My boyfriend prefers it but I'm not sold."

"Yeah I'm with you to be honest." Joel laughed at me. "Tell him that twinks grow up and he's just gonna have to deal with it." I puffed on my cigarette silently and the lack of response stretched uncomfortably between us. Joel was wincing to himself. I glanced at him and turned my head to one side. I'd never managed to put it so succinctly in my own head. I knew something had changed between AJ and me. There was this massive distance that never used to be there. But he hadn't really changed had he? I had. Emotionally- well that kind of happens in your 20s. Physically, yeah, loads. We met when I was still practically a kid and I'd even had a late growth spurt a year or so into dating him properly. My voice had deepened over the last few years. I knew my shoulders were broader, and now I was trying to pack on muscle where I could. I was softer, but I was also stronger. I felt myself blush. AJ was a grown up.

He wouldn't be so shallow as to lose interest in me just because... Although....

"What happens to twinks when they grow up?" I stared at Joel. Not that I expected him to have an answer for me. I was mildly surprised he even knew what a twink was actually. He blinked.

"Why?" He asked me, sucking on his cigarette.

"I dunno. Sorry." I mumbled.

----

I wasn't surprised that AJ was up when I got home just after 11. He seemed to be home later and later. He wrapped his arms around me, very cautiously, probably aware I was ~that~close to breaking, and he asked me how my day was as he poured me a wine. I only mumbled in response, but AJ pulled me on the couch with him, holding me in his lap the way he used to and laughing and joking with me until I softened a fraction. He grinned at me.

"Did you eat at work?" He kissed my cheek. I considered lying, but I didn't have the energy.

"Nope." I tucked myself into his shoulder. "I'm not hungry though."

"I'm kind of hungry." He yawned. I felt myself sigh internally and I smiled at him.

"Ok. I could probably make a salad or..."

"Absolutely not!" AJ squeezed my waist. "You spoil me, angel. I meant we should get some takeaway."

"Oh." I shrugged. "Yeah, ok. What are you thinking?"

"Oh I dunno." AJ sighed. "Gimme your phone, mines charging, I'll see what's open." I kept my body as relaxed against his as I could, reaching into my pocket and handing over my phone. The act felt more serious than it should have. He was smiling, he was holding me, everything was fine... and in spite of any of that I couldn't help but feel like I was handing over something bigger than my phone. I was giving him access to me at all times. He'd know if I ever changed my password. Maybe tonight it was just to look at delivereasy, sure... but then maybe there would be another excuse tomorrow and maybe one day he wouldn't even bother with an excuse, he'd just pick my phone up....

It's not like I had anything to hide. But that wasn't the point was it?

AJ's hand ran through my hair as he debated the merits of curry or stir fry and I tried to tell myself it was all in my head. I was making things weird because we were both tired and on edge and everything over the last few days just felt fucked up because of it.

"You're quiet, sweetheart." He glanced at me and I twisted my lips.

"Tired." I said. "And things have been..."

"Yeah." AJ held me close. "They have." He sighed deeply. "Last chance to put in an order or I'll choose for you." He said.

"Yeah, you choose." I shrugged. "Thanks." AJ flicked an order through and I watched out of the corner of my eye as he scrolled my phone for a minute, looking through my aps and opening the last google searches I'd done. He put it down and yawned again. I felt small. I felt stupid. I felt lost.

"Hey... you still love me, don't you?" The words slipped out before I could stuff them back in and I cringed at how pathetic I sounded. AJ sighed and shuffled, rolling me over his body to straddle him. He took my hands and stroked my cheek.

"I'd die without you." He said. "I honestly don't know what I'd do. I feel like I'm saying sorry a lot lately but I am sorry. I just feel like you've been working so hard and I never see you and all the worst parts of me... the jealous, needy, gross parts of me... they just bubble up." He circled my waist with his hands. "I wish you'd quit." He said.

"I'm thinking about it."

"Good." He trailed his hand over my chest. "Even just some time off. Reevaluate things. We'd have time together. We could maybe... start therapy actually. I've been thinking about that."

"Oh." I felt the frosty weird feeling I'd been carrying around start to melt and the bile in my stomach calm down fractionally. AJ looked at me with big wide eyes.

"I know some time off would do you the world of good, Rubey."

"You're probably right there." I smiled weakly.

"And you know, if you did never want to go back after that." He sighed. "I'm sure we could work something out." There was something in the way his eyes narrowed when he said that. He looked steely. Hungry. The bile rose up again.

We both flinched as my phone dinged and AJ reached for it. "Delivery guy is downstairs." He stretched out.

"I'll grab it." I offered. I just needed to be out of there. I even left my phone with him, pretty sure he'd be all through it, reading my notes and emails, for no real reason except he could. I bolted out the door and paused as the cool air in the apartment complexes corridor hit me in the face. I took a deep breath. It was so hard sometimes to know what I was thinking, because I spent so much time trying to push things down and deal with what was immediately in front of me.

I took the stairs.

The thought of quitting felt amazing.

I listened to the tread of my feet.

The thought of no independence though.... The thought of no money that was mine... the thought of owing AJ everything in my life... I already owed him so much!

I reached the bottom of the staircase, breathing slightly heavy from the pace I'd set as I thought to myself. The delivery guy was standing in the doorway looking bored out of his mind and he yawned as he saw me.

"Alex James?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah, thanks." I sprinted over to him and he smirked as I reached him, his eyes traveling from the soles of my feet all the way to the top of my head. I could feel my face growing warm, although that could have been the run down several flights of stairs. He very carefully started to unpack whatever AJ had ordered for us, warning me it was hot and asking if I needed a hand.

"I'm good." I thanked him. He gave me a little half smile and stopped me as I began to turn to the lifts.

"Hold up." He said. "You got your phone?"

"It's... upstairs." I stumbled on my words, hoping I didn't need my phone to prove anything.

"Ok." He grabbed my receipt from the bag and I stared at him as he scribbled something on it before handing it to me. I looked at the scrap of paper. A... a phone number.

"What's this?" I asked stupidly. He smiled as his eyes roved over me again. He widened his eyes in a look of faux confusion and shrugged as if to say 'what the hell do you think that might be you fucking moron?'. I looked between the number and him, frozen. "Thanks." I muttered for some reason. He grinned and winked at me as he picked up his bag and retreated. I pressed the button for the lift and stared at his back as he left. I crumbled the number up.

And I put it in my pocket.

---- ---- ---- 4.

I was avoiding the boring day to day of ordering, and tasting wine, and planning staff trainings, and thinking about staff motivation and wage costs and everything else and getting on with my favorite part of my job.

Today I was playing with the back door because it squealed obnoxiously anytime anyone came in or left, which is not a very hospitable sound. I was in early, when we were closed, alone with my music which even I was embarrassed by most of the time. When I started lifting I got into Power Metal which I think might be the guy equivalent of Destiny's Child or the Spice Girls. Corny, basic, and so fucking good for reasons you can't articulate. With the drill and the headbanging going on I was completely able to tune out from myself, and everything else. Which was really good because I had a feeling if I tuned into anything I might have to start asking myself why the fuck I had some random guys number still crumpled up in the pair of trousers I'd worn yesterday.

"What the fuck is this?!" I jumped as the stereo suddenly stopped blasting PowerWolf and Joel swam into my vision.

"What are you doing here?!" I gasped. Joel raised one eyebrow and stared at me.

"I work here." He said slowly.

"I'm just fixing the door." I gestured pointlessly at the door I was crouched next to, half off its hinges.

"Ok. I'm prepping." He glanced at the kitchen, and then at the stereo, and then at me. "Please tell me you have headphones."

"Yeah, nah, no... put on whatever." I blushed.

"Anything that's not your crap is fine." He rolled his eyes.

"It's... lifting music?" I half heartedly explained.

"Try podcasts."

"If you're about to recommend Joe Rogan, I'm good." I snorted in spite of myself. Joel started laughing and relaxed as he put his bag down.

"No, you dumb fag, I wasn't. Everyone and their mum has a podcast. Try David Farrier." I froze, staring at him. He was a major fucking cunt but he'd never f bombed me. I didn't mind someone like Kurt calling me a dumb fag- THAT would be affectionate, and besides that he never would... but... Joel looked at me as I stared at him, his face unreadable. I could feel blood pumping through my veins and my fists clenching. What kind of... "You all good, space cadet?" He asked.

"Ok." I stood up properly. "I know this is a new kitchen for you, but we don't do slurs here." I glared at him and tried to keep my breathing even as I felt my cheeks burn in humiliation, waiting for him to roll his eyes at me. "You can say whatever you want off site, but here- to me, or to anyone, that's not acceptable."