Knife's Edge Pt. 01

"Why?" I whispered.

"Because I love you?" He frowned. "I want you to be happy? Jesus Christ, Rueben. Don't look at me like that."

"I...." My eyes closed. For half a second I yearned for it. The domestic bliss of nothing but creativity before me. Every night spent in the arms of my beloved. A novel? Why not?! I could take creative writing classes, if he'd let me...

Let me.

"I... I can't." I shook my head.

"The restaurant survived before you. It will survive after you."

"I need a job."

"Take a part time one."

"AJ..."

"I knew you'd be like this." His arms unwrapped themselves from me like a snake uncoiling its grip. "You know how many guys would kill for an offer like that?"

"So date them." I said.

"Oh fuck you." He stood up and strode out of the room.

"Where are you going?" I called.

"Warming up the spare room." AJ shouted over his shoulder. I leapt to my feet and raced after him.

"AJ..." I caught his shoulder. "I'm sorry. Come on... Please..."

"You want to break up? Is that it?" He removed my hand.

"NO! Of course not! It's just a lot to take in! I have to think about it!"

"Think about it in the spare room." He said. "Would have thought you'd be grateful since you seem to think I'm such a fucking monster. I'm not comfortable with you in my bed right now."

"AJ, can we talk, please?"

"Can we just call it a night, Ruben?" AJ stared at me coldly. "Talk later." I opened my mouth to argue. I stepped forward, to throw myself into his warm embrace and beg for forgiveness. I reached out- but I paused as I saw his right fist clench. Our eyes met, just for half a second, before I dropped my gaze.

"Yeah." I swallowed. "Sorry."

He didn't talk to me after that, and I could hear the bolt sliding on the bedroom door as I tidied the kitchen. I groaned to myself. It had been ages since he'd frozen me out like that. I thought we'd moved past it.

But

I wrote him a proper apology. I dashed out to get dying flowers and chocolate from the all night petrol station down the road, wrapping them up in paper with a sprig of Rosemary I liberated from the bushes downstairs. I arranged everything on the table and crossed my fingers that he'd wake up in a better mood, and I'd make it home at a reasonable hour, and we could have a nice dinner together and everything would be fine again.

I approached the spare room with lead feet, shuffling slowly to the bed and wincing as I looked around. The chill had been taken off, but everything was stale and clinical, and nothing could drown out the churning in my gut and the stinging in my eyes. I tried to breathe deeply, to calm myself down, because I kept thinking the same thing over and over, even though I tried to drown it out with music-

Why did he do this to me? Why did I have to be punished like this? What the fuck was wrong with him?

I groaned and turned over. I never used to blame him when we fought. It was usually pretty obvious what I'd done, and I always regretted it and tried not to do it again. But I couldn't shut myself up this time... I just kept thinking it was so unfair. I sat up and chewed on my lip as I stared down the corridor and imagined banging on the door to our bedroom and demanding he let me in. I wouldn't yell at him, I'd just tell him we needed to forgive each other and that I loved him and I couldn't sleep. And he ought to be so embarrassed that he'd locked me out, and wrap his arms around me and kiss me and it ought to be water under the bridge.

I'd seen it in his eyes though. I didn't really want to push that flash of anger. He would never hurt me. Never. I knew that. But he was particular. He might lash out at someone banging on his door in the middle of the night without thinking.

----- ---- ---- 3.

Early shifts are my favourite, even though I'm half asleep. Once upon a time I was a morning person. I liked going for a run and watching the sun rise. I liked the crispness of the morning, before the birds started to sing, everything poised in anticipation.

Late shifts have their charms. I prefer dinner service. I'm more in tune with things. I like the hum and the smell of liquor in the warm air. I like night people- they're fun, and weird, and tell me stories.

The mid shift is the worst. I get nothing done with the morning, nothing done with the evening, and I never find my rhythm. The day drags and I never feel like I have anything to show for it.

I was off the floor, fixing the glassware shelves at the back that had fallen THANKFULLY between services with only a few glasses on them. Most of my staff are uni students and wouldn't know how to put together flat pack, let alone drill a hole. The chefs are useless- they speak food and knives and know good dealers; but they live on furniture made from old pallets. Lydia and Marty would hire a contractor who'd charge them triple. I was salaried, the restaurant was quiet, and while I did like my job; I liked fixing things even more.

I glanced up as I worked, and my eyes widened as, unbelievably, AJ appeared at the front of the room.

He'd never done that before. I actually couldn't be sure he even knew where I worked. He loved me, but he didn't always pay attention. He never exactly said it, not in so many words, but I knew that my inability to do anything with the degree he'd supported me through, and the fact that I'd taken hospitality job after hospitality job disappointed him. Life seemed more straightforward for him. He finished Uni and got a job and got promotions and ended up with the other smart, well groomed elite who discussed stock options. I couldn't even nail an audition, despite the first class accolades and recommendations from professors.

But there he was, deflecting Kurt, who's eyes were widening as they spoke, and giving me a tiny nod of acknowledgment as he checked his watch and sat down at the bar, a giant bunch of flowers that were DEFINITELY not from a gas station placed carefully beside him. I felt myself soften as I looked at him. And then I heard Joel clear his throat.

"I could have done that." He gestured at the shelves.

"You could have. But I already did." I started loading glassware back on and he stopped me. He looked at the shelving and grabbed it, giving it a hard shake. "What the fuck..."

"Oh. Solid work." He nodded at me. "Where'd you learn that?"

"Philosophy class." I stood up. Joel laughed.

"You're a bit more well rounded than I gave you credit for." He folded his arms and grinned at me.

"No ones ever suggested I wasn't well rounded." I glanced at him, taking the easy joke about my weight before he could. "Well. Since you're hanging around like a bad smell anyway, maybe you could finish this up. Since you owe me."

"Oui, chef." He grinned, taking the tray of glasses from me as I waved to AJ. "Is that Romeo?" He followed my gaze. "Huh."

"What?"

"Just 'huh'." Joel widened his eyes innocently. "Silver fox." He continued, as I started to walk away. I rolled my eyes.

I walked slowly over to AJ, bouncing on my toes to make myself seem more awake. He reached for me as I approached him and sighed as he pulled me in for a hug.

"I can't apologise enough." He pressed his head to mine. "I am an ass. Works been hell, all these late nights... I'm losing myself, angel. But that's not an excuse. I'm sorry, darling."

"You're forgiven." I let my arms wrap around him as my chest settled. I knew it would be ok. It's always ok. "And I'm sorry too. I was taken aback. I'm not... we should talk about it. Properly."

"Flowers." He gestured to them pointlessly. "Champagne in the fridge. I have a roast on for us. I'll wait for you in the car and take you home."

"Really?" I felt mountains of stress melt away. "I'm almost done. I'll finish up, be ten minutes."

"See you soon." He kissed me. A real, tender kiss. On the mouth. My eyes closed and stayed closed even as he pulled away. "Love you." He whispered softly.

I watched him go, blinking furiously in case my lack of sleep was giving way to visions. Kurt's derisive snort woke me up and I glanced at him.

"The famous AJ." He said, following my gaze. "Shorter than I imagined." He gave me a look. I've known Kurt for about a year. I hired him almost as soon as he walked in the door because he practically shone with confidence. He was the first person outside of AJ I'd really clicked with in years. None of my friends I'd met casually at school or Uni seemed to be long term- I guess my lifestyle was always a bit out of step with everyone else's. I hardly ever made it to parties or drinks or anything really and no one has time to stay in touch with someone who doesn't put the effort in.

Kurt has a way of getting under your skin and sticking there though. The first day we worked together we were doing bits and making each other laugh all day. He could draw secrets out of the dead and make the most antisocial person in the world want to go out for a few pints. He was tall, with a booming voice and a shock of unruly blonde hair that was always half curly and half straight and sticking out at odd angles. I think I had the tiniest crush on him at first; but I wasn't single and he wasn't gay so I managed to stop that in its tracks before it got out of control. I didn't manage to avoid his friendship though, which I felt blessed with most of the time, and annoyed with now that I could read him and he could read me and I knew he was itching to say something.

"What?" I asked. He shook his head, his lips tight.

"No. Nothing." He avoided my eye. "You won't want to hear it." He grumbled as I stared at him.

"When has that ever stopped you?"

"Hmm." Kurt leant in the bar and shook his head. "Look. Working late? Being stressed? Buying you outrageous flowers?" He winced. "Come on. That's textbook he's cheating on you shit."

"You're delusional." I groaned. "I can't believe he shows up with the most romantic thing ever and you still have an issue with him."

"You guys are having intimacy issues." Kurt shrugged. "This fits."

"You're insane." I rolled my eyes. "We had a fight last night and he's apologising. That's literally it."

"What did you fight about?" Kurt leaned even closer and I cringed. Kurt wouldn't get it. I knew what he'd say if I told him the truth.

"Who's turn it was to do the dishes." I lied.

"I can always tell when you're lying." He scoffed. "And you'd never argue about that because I bet you do them 99% of the time and act like he's a hero when he picks up the other 1%."

"Fuck off."

"I'm right." I glanced at the bouquet. He was right. But he was missing a lot of context. I mostly worked nights, so it was easier for me to do chores during the day. Besides which... I paid rent and bills exactly down the middle but if we ever went OUT or saw a play or a concert or needed a new gadget for the kitchen... well. That was always AJ's shout. And it feels like shit to know you can't contribute. So I contributed in ways I could. I took on the bulk of running the household because I felt guilty if I didn't. That was how it worked. "What did you fight about?" He asked quietly. "Are you ok?" He had that horrible look on his face people get where their brow is furrowed with sympathy and you just know they feel sorry for you.

"He actually offered... to support me for a bit. If I... felt like... stepping away from Ponga for a bit. Maybe." I stared at the bar.

"Oh." His voice was exactly as flat and scary as I was afraid it would be. Half of me had hoped he would giggle, and tell me I was the luckiest guy in the world, and I'd be insane to turn that down. "I see."

"I just have some stock to put away, and then I'm out."

"Don't." Kurt caught my hand. "We need you here. You are amazing. You can run all services. You can fix anything. You can even speak to Joel without hitting him which is a fucking miracle."

"I thought you got along with Joel?"

"I invited him last night because I thought he might be more human outside of work." Kurt whispered, glancing down the restaurant.

"Was he?"

"Actually yeah." I seemed to have momentarily distracted Kurt because his gossip face suddenly turned on. "Drank way too much, had some surprisingly excellent geography knowledge although we really missed you for Music, and I meant to tell you- he was RAVING about you."

"About me?"

"Yes!" Kurt grinned. "God, he thinks the sun shines out of your arse. Said he's never worked with such a capable Maître D'! What do you think of that?"

"I think he was probably on some really good weed." I laughed. "I really have to put away stock." I tried to excuse myself and Kurt waved his arm.

"Delegate it to me." He said. "I may not quite have the muscles you have, but I can haul some boxes down the stairs. Go have dinner with Romeo." Romeo from him too, huh? Had they been talking quite a bit about me? "And... don't leave. I just... I get a bad feeling about that." He looked in my eyes and we both knew he didn't mean because of Pongakawa.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

----- ---- ---

Dinner was amazing. Probably a hundred times better because I didn't have to cook.

"I thought I was the chef?" I grinned at AJ. "What the hell did you do to these vegetables?" That's a skill I learned from my Mum. Asking questions you know the answer to. The vegetables were perfect, because AJ won't do something unless he can do it perfectly. He'd read enough Samin Nosrat to know how to salt a pot, and use duck fat, and crisp them in a cast iron pan. But I looked at him dreamily while he explained that all to me, and when to start a lamb, and how to check the temperature, and how long it needed to rest for. His eyes would be bright when he told me things like this, explaining it patiently and with a hint of pride he couldn't play down if he tried to. I played my part, marveling at how clever he was and how perfect he was. I even had to stop myself from going back for more. I'd skipped breakfast and didn't have time for lunch and the effect of half a pack of cigarettes seemed to be wearing off. AJ grinned with delight and talk drifted to our days, to the office, to his job I didn't really understand until the champagne was gone and the red we'd started on was half empty.

Eventually I looked at the mess he'd made of the kitchen and made a mental note of how long that was gonna take to clean up. At least I had the day to clean tomorrow because there was laundry as well. I started to pick up our plates and AJ stopped me, gently touching my wrist as I drifted near him.

"Let's watch something." He yawned. "You can do this later."

"Alright." I smiled.

We were part of the way through Mozart in the Jungle which was just cerebral enough for AJ. He liked to commentate for me; talking shit about composers and how the industry worked.He likes to know everything. I really used to think he did know everything. I sort of gently ignored him now, because I didn't really want to fight, and I didn't really mind the sound of his voice, even if he did seem to have forgotten what exactly the degree I majored in was. I liked lying on his lap while he stroked my hair and we both talked about how utterly hot Gael Garcia Bernal was and how fabulous Bernadette Peters was and who would win in a fight between her and Polly Walker.

I was lying on him, my hand drifting around his neck when he pulled me close and held me tenderly.

"I'm so lucky to have you." He whispered. "I think I forget to tell you."

"You're not lucky." I laughed, pressing my head into his neck. "I love you."

"Mmm." He pressed me closer and we shuffled until I was straddling him, the show all but forgotten as he clasped my chin and pulled me close. I felt my bones and my organs and my stress and worries drift away as he gently wrapped his hands around my waist and kissed me. His kiss was soft and his tongue danced over mine. His hips ground against me and I moaned as, for the first time in... months actually... I felt his dick harden against me.

"Fuck." I murmured. I could hear him chuckle through our kisses as his hands drifted over my body. His hand caught mine and he guided it to his dick. I moaned as I rubbed it through his trousers, feeling my whole abdomen tense in fiery anticipation. He helped me with his belt and shuffled his trousers down as I wrapped my hand around his cock which was thick and perfect. He lay back and made a tiny moan of satisfaction as I pleasured him. I ground my hips against him as I slowly stroked his cock, wanting every second of this to last as long as possible. AJ's hand tangled in the back of my head and he paused me, holding me back.

"Knees." He said. I sank down immediately and pulled his trousers off, swearing to myself as I stumbled with his shoes. Once that was done I knelt up and tucked my hair behind my ears. It was getting long. But he liked it a little long. AJ's eyes were closed and he tugged me towards his crotch, where I tried to savour him. He didn't want that though, he was lazily thrusting inside my mouth so I closed my eyes and relaxed and knelt before him, my dick hardening as he used me. Every tiny grunt and moan he made was sending bolts of electricity through me. I was tingling in my most intimate places. Oh god, oh fuck, I'd missed him.

He sat up, and suddenly I was choking as he held my head down, painfully abusing my throat. I could hear his moans getting louder and longer, I could feel the heat from his body... I could feel him tensing and I moaned as the first spurt caught in my mouth, making me gag as he refused to let me go. My eyes were starting to water as I coughed and swallowed, still burning with desire. AJ grunted and sat back. His dick was still loosely half hard in my mouth and I pulled away gently, wiping my face and looking up at him. Please... please tell me that... wasn't... it?

"Are you ready?" He grunted deeply. His eyes opened halfway as he looked at me, panting between his legs.

"Five minutes." I moaned, staggering to my feet.

"Good. Hurry." He closed his eyes and lay back as I launched myself to the bathroom. Even at the very beginning he was always careful. He introduced me to everything I knew about my sex drive. He taught me what felt good for both of us and how to make it the best it could be every time. He was particular. I'd never be anything other than pristine when we fucked. I launched myself in the shower and cleaned myself up perfectly in record speed. I spent some time loosening myself - AJ didn't really like to spend a lot of time on foreplay and it felt better for both of us if I'd warmed myself up. I dried off, still a little damp but he wouldn't care, and ran back to the living room where AJ was scrolling his phone. I frowned as I realised he'd put his trousers back on. His eyes drifted over me.

"You didn't shave." He frowned. I touched my chin self consciously.

"Oh. I can."

"Never mind." He sighed. "It's late anyway."

"Huh?" I walked over to him and straddled him, my cock still hard, pressing into his thigh. I took his hand and kissed it. "You prefer it when I shave? It won't take long."

"You really have to fucking ask me if I prefer it when you shave?" AJ snapped, peeling me away from him.

"Ok, sorry." I looked awkwardly at him. "It really won't take long."

"Not in the mood anymore." AJ sighed. "You may as well clean up."

"What?! Why?" I wrapped my arms around my torso. "I'm all... ready... I... I..." I trailed off. I had no idea what I was trying to say. I looked up at him. "Did I fuck it up that badly by not shaving?" I practically whispered. AJ's face softened a little looking at me. He pulled me back towards him.

"It really is late." He pressed my head to his chest. I almost sobbed in frustration. I had done EVERYTHING. Only not everything. Because I didn't shave? I was too horny to even realise that was something he'd like, let alone a caveat! Why didn't he reject me before I'd... bothered with anything? Was he punishing me again? What did I even do? But if he was tired and it was too late I'd be such a whiny asshole to keep pushing and pushing....