Know Thyself

I knew what I had to do. I decided to touch base with Angela

I texted back and forth with Angela for a while. We started to share some more personal details of each other's lives and it was great to start getting to know more about her. She had two daughters in their twenties. Both were married. One lived in Houston and the other in Chicago, where Angela originally lived. She moved to Monterey on a whim after the divorce, since her girls already lived away from home and she wanted lots of distance between her and her scumbag ex.

But, then there was her final thought:

[AngelaPeterson] If I tell you something, do you promise not to be mad?

[AnsonHowe] I promise, but you're scaring me.

[AngelaPeterson] I have a date tonight.

I hadn't thought of that possibility. I guess I expected she would just sit in Monterey and wait for me to make up my mind.

[AnsonHowe] Oh. Is he a good guy?

[AngelaPeterson] Yeah. He's been after me for a few years. You kinda opened my mind to getting out there again.

[AnsonHowe] Okay.

[AngelaPeterson] You seem a little upset. Are you okay?

[AnsonHowe] I admit I'm feeling a little territorial, but I have no right to.

[AngelaPeterson] Maybe I better ask the tough question. How do you really feel about it, and how do you feel about me?

Damn. It's a fair question and I could find a fair answer.

[AnsonHowe] Can we switch to phone? This seems more appropriate for a real conversation and not this new-fangled texting.

[AngelaPeterson] Okay. Call me.

I had to gather my composure. The old 'asshole-man' wanted to tell her, 'Fine. Go screw Monterey if you want,' but I was learning how much of a mistake that kind of thinking was. I touched her speed-dial, and prayed I didn't screw this up.

"Anson, you're upset, aren't you?"

"On some level, yes, I admit it, but with our quick passing-in-the-night, can I really tell you what you should and shouldn't do? I mean, you know I'm on this trip to see two women from my past, and I will see the first tonight. How can I impose any restrictions on you?"

"So, can you answer my question? How do you feel about me?"

"I know I miss you terribly. You've touched me deeply, Angela, and I don't know if it's a real connection or if it's because you were the first woman since Linda that made me feel... made me feel..."

"You were going to say loved, weren't you?"

"I couldn't think of another word that didn't sound so committed, but, yes, that's how you make me feel. I can't stop thinking about you."

"I feel the same, Anson, but I also feel like you are hoping one of the two women you are going to see will snatch you up, and if they don't, I'm your fallback position as third choice."

I heard her sniffling a bit as she fought back her emotion.

"Angie, if I come to you with the hopes of a relationship, you will not be third choice at all. Honestly, I almost wish I just stayed in Monterey with you, except I made commitments to the two missionary groups and to my friend who is General Manager of his company in France. He's paying me for four weeks of consulting."

"Do you want me to cancel my date? If you say yes, I will."

"I want you to do what your heart tells you to do. If you need to test your feelings for me by going out with someone else, I'll support you and never hold it against you. For my part, I want to keep getting to know you even though it's from afar for now. I will be honest with you, and I sense you will be the same with me. Okay?"

"All right. I will go to dinner tonight with Chuck, but there's no way he's getting the same treatment I gave you!"

"Angie?"

"Yes?"

"I really care about you. I've put us in a strange position, but no matter what, I hope we both find exactly what we want and need."

We signed off with minor tears and caring words of encouragement and affection. This was the type of conversation I always hated. The 'asshole' would have done anything possible to get out of such a discussion, but something about this conversation made me cherish Angela even more.

For now, I had to focus on Li. In my mind she was already in third place. The next two weeks would tell me a lot about where my head was.

*****

Li came bouncing into the restaurant like a teenage girl who just drank a case of over-caffeinated cola. For a woman in her forties, she had enough energy to light a city. Her small frame didn't allow for her boobs to bounce, but the rest of her made up for it. The conservative blue dress she wore looked more like a business outfit, but she still made it look good.

"Anson, you handsome devil! You look good!"

I arose from my seat and let her hug the stuffing out of me. It was a hell-of-a warm greeting.

We enjoyed lots of small talk during dinner, and Li explained the itinerary she had developed. We'd spend the first week in Shanghai seeing various sites, enjoying some shows and having dinner with some of my other friends from the company. The following week, we would celebrate Chinese New Year in Beijing and see the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City and other tourist attractions.

"Anson, let me ask. Why you write me to do this? I glad you did, but I wonder."

I loved how direct she was. I guessed it was time to lay my cards on the table.

"Li, we have been good friends for years, through business. Many times when we were together, I think we found a good connection. Let me be honest. You are a beautiful and desirable woman. When I was married, I could not give in to how I felt about you. I wrote you because you are my friend, and a part of me wanted to know if we could be more than friends."

"I remember several time you turn me down for some fun. I was mad, but also proud of you for being loyal to you wife. But you a sexy man. Are you okay if we get close while you are here?"

"I want us just to let things happen naturally. Does that make sense?"

"Sure. But just so you know, da hotel in Beijing is for only one suite but with two bedroom, just in case. I hope we only need one."

I reached for her hand and gently held it. "Li, just so you know, I'm not here just because I want to sleep with you, even though I've wanted to do that for many years. I'm here because you are my friend, and whatever we share together will be something I cherish."

"Damn. I wish I had time to go to you room now."

"No need to rush. Whatever happens will be natural, right?"

"Dat don't mean I don't want to jump on you now."

We set a time to meet and Li prepared to leave, but not before pulling me into a soul-crushing kiss. She noticed my obvious arousal.

"Oooh. Shame to waste this." She started rubbing Mr. Happy through my pants. "Dis feel pretty natural."

"But you have an early day tomorrow. I want our first time together to be slow and special."

"What da hell. I da boss. I think my morning just open up."

I don't remember getting to my room or either of us undressing. I did remember the condom because it was as if Traci's voice was in my head reminding me. There was nothing slow about the first time. We had decades of foreplay to fall back on. After that, Li was like a glutton at a buffet table. She had all the energy and acrobatics of Candi and Bambi rolled into one dynamite petite woman. Of one thing I was certain, Li was in charge. She seemed to have streams of orgasms of all sizes, but none of them stopped her pleasurable assault. I was there for the ride and to be ridden.

At 4:30 AM we fell asleep for about two hours before Li had to leave to go home and change. That didn't stop her from having one more for the road.

Li was the only real highlight of my time in Shanghai. The other friends we met with were really just acquaintances, and I found little in common with them.

The food was excellent, although I could not appreciate the duck tongue. It was like sucking on a piece of plastic for a scrap of tasteless meat. Plus, I couldn't help picturing thousands of these poor Chinese ducks flying around with no tongues while desperately trying to quack. I think that's when I started to recognize the dangers of drinking Maotai with a group of Chinese at a dinner party. If Li and I made love that night, I have no memory of it. We both suffered the aftereffects of Maotai the next day.

The two Chinese theaters Li took me two were not to my taste, but I was polite and endured them. Even so, she could tell I wasn't enjoying them and she went out of her way to make up for it in my room later.

By the time we left for Beijing, I had enough of Shanghai. Li was the only fond memory I took with me.

We had an early flight to Beijing. Li had a hearing problem that made conversation difficult during the flight, but I welcomed the silence as I held her hand and reflected on the past week. Sex with Li was even better than I could have imagined, and she expressed a great deal of satisfaction with my efforts in that regard, but I struggled to put a label on what we were to each other. She offered no utterances of affection beyond our friendship. We shared a lot of deep and passionate kisses during our intimate times, but there were no other displays of anything resembling love or deep caring.

My feelings towards her were confusing, and I wondered if she struggled with the same conundrum. In that moment, the concern that swelled within me was that she wasn't struggling at all. Perhaps to her this was nothing more than a fun fling and life would go on with or without me. I had eight days remaining to figure it out.

*****

Li had hired a car and driver for our time in Beijing. He took us from the airport directly to the Great Wall. The drive to the Great Wall was about sixty miles and went through the China countryside. It gave me a chance to see life in China from a different perspective. Mile after mile I observed industrious families often working the land together. The narcissist in me wondered why I cared, but after my visit to India, I couldn't help but think how so many in the world struggled with every ounce of their energy just to survive. They were all people. People just like me, but in different circumstances. I began to admire them all.

There were several different places we could have gone to see the wall. Because it was near the Chinese New Year, Li chose Mutianyu as our best sight to visit. We chose to avoid the lines at the cable car and just walk the wall. I thought I was in pretty good shape, yet it didn't take long before I started struggling with some of the inclines and lack of creature comforts. The views and the sights were worth the effort.

As Li and I walked, I noticed we were receiving some strange looks. I'm six foot four inches tall and built something like a football linebacker. Li was less than five feet tall, and I doubted she weighed a hundred pounds, soaking wet. Several older women near us were speaking with each other and Li started chuckling as we walked further on.

"What's so funny?"

"Dey think you too big for me and crush me in bed."

"You should go tell them that you like top for a reason."

"We see later how much I can take with you on top."

I enjoyed so many aspects of the wall, but what stayed with me was watching older Chinese couples walking almost as if it was a pilgrimage. I doubt it had that level of significance, but the difficult hike seemed important to so many people.

Sharing the day with Li at the wall was special. Sharing her bed was phenomenal. I didn't feel like we were sharing much else. There was still time to figure it out.

We drove to the China World Hotel in Beijing where we would live for the next eight nights. The main street outside of the hotel fascinated me. This wide multi-lane highway was filled with cars, each honking as if it were a language of its own. For every car there were about 20 bicycles, some with just a rider, while others were used like a delivery truck. I saw one rider with four large computer boxes strategically strapped to the bike's frame. For every bicycle there had to be fifty pedestrians. I watched a young girl, maybe five years old, walk across the busy street on her own. I thought it a miracle that she wasn't hit, but as I considered the scene in front of me, it felt more like an intricate ballet where all the participants new their part and their responsibilities.

The days that followed in Beijing were filled with tourist-like activities and the New Year's celebration. I had never been to the Forbidden City before, and I was amazed at the size and scope of it. I guess I only knew it from pictures and I assumed it was just one big square with one big building. It was so much more. Building after building told the story of the history of China, and how amazing this culture and these people were.

As part of the New Year's celebration, Li and I experienced the constant barrage of fireworks. It wasn't anything like the organized displays back in the States. It seemed as if every person had their own arsenal of fireworks and was setting them off. We watched a glorious parade that made me feel like a kid again. As a special treat, Li took me to an area in the historic section of the city where I could really feel the local culture. It was a large maze of narrow alleys that she called the hutongs. We had a chance to see small homes and their decorations. Li chatted with a number of people while I smiled and nodded politely. She occasionally felt led to translate so I could respond, but I had no chance of keeping up with the depth of the conversation. I was sure that if Li stranded me there, I would be totally lost. It felt so foreign and yet so comfortable with Li at my side.

The last full day of my trip to China, I tried to uncloud my mind. I wanted to find more with Li, but I couldn't feel it. I needed to see if there was anything to pursue.

I guess I was unusually quiet at dinner. It seemed Li noticed, but she didn't say anything about it. I learned over the two weeks with her that she was not comfortable with conversations that were too deep. We rode the elevator to our room in near silence. Once in our room, I had to get the clarity I needed. Fortunately, Li finally addressed my mood saving me from finding the right segue.

"Anson. You look sad. You sorry you have to go tomorrow?"

"Well, yes. Being with you has been wonderful. But it's more than that."

"What more?"

"How do you feel about me, Li?"

"What you mean? I like you. We have lots of fun together."

"But is that all?"

"What more you want?"

"I came to China to see you because I wanted to know if we could be more. I wanted to see if there was the possibility of... well, the possibility of love."

"You serious? Love? What the hell! We have fun together and we are damn good in bed together. We are friends. What more you need? I can believe you! What the hell! What the hell!"

And with that she left with the slam of the door. I knew she'd be back since her luggage was still in the room. I probably could have assumed that she felt the way she did, and I could have just left the next day having had two great weeks of sex and sightseeing, but I wanted clarity. Well, I guess I had it.

I tried being honest with myself. I knew there was no deep relationship to be found by my second day in China. I justified the continued pursuit because the sex was great, but now I didn't feel so good about myself for taking advantage of her. It was clear she didn't mind. In fact, she was using me for her pleasure, too.

A tearful Li returned after about an hour. She apologized for her outburst, and admitted she knew I was looking for more. She said she didn't want a relationship with anybody, but if she did, I would be a likely candidate. She was trying to let me down easy.

The conversation ended with us still as friends, but I told her she should use the other bedroom that night. She begged for one more night of fun, but I tried to explain that I felt wrong about it if there was no loving relationship on the horizon. She accepted that even though she didn't understand it, and she basically told me that I was very strange. I guess I had to agree with her, since she wasn't the first woman to tell me that on this trip.

I didn't sleep that night. Strangely, it wasn't because of Li. I had little hope that there could be a future, but I wanted to experience her. She also wanted to experience me. In that regard I guess we both won. But it made me long even more for Angela. I wasn't happy with how our last conversation finished, and I wondered if I screwed up something that was real just so I could fulfill my fantasy of being with Li.

If I didn't have a commitment to do consulting work for my friend in France, I would have caught the next flight that would get me to Monterey. I still wanted to see if my old temptation in Rouen, Kathryn, could be the woman I had a future with, but I found it unusual that I hadn't thought of her in weeks. She didn't even know I was coming.

Li was staying in the room for one more night, so we said our goodbyes and parted with a hug normally shared by two friends. I knew I'd never see her again, and that was okay.

I arrived at the airport and made my way through all the red tape that is international travel. Sitting in the terminal with two hours to kill before my flight, I decided to call Angela. I just wasn't sure what the hell to say. 'Hey, I just banged my Chinese friend for two weeks, but you're still number one in my mind.' How did such a simple plan turn into this unusual nightmare?

I had to quit stalling and just call her with the hope that the right words would flow from my mouth.

"Angela?"

"Anson! How are you? Are you still in China?"

"Doing good, and, yes, I am. Sitting here in the airport thinking of someone special in Monterey."

"Well, I'm glad you called. I need to talk to you about something."

It was more than the words. It was something in her voice. A chill of fear ran up my spine and my stomach started to turn.

"I hope it's something good."

"I don't... well, it's about me and Chuck. We kinda hit it off, and I don't want to string you along."

"Oh. I... I don't know what to say." The old asshole-man wanted to say a lot of hurtful things that I wouldn't have meant.

"Look, Anson, we had fun and I like you. I just feel like I need to see where Chuck and I can go, you know?"

"I get it. And this whole thing of mine isn't fair to you."

"How did things go with the woman in China?"

"We're just friends, and that's all there can be."

"Well, there's still France. Listen, I gotta go. Goodbye, Anson."

"Goodbye..."

The call disconnected before I could say any more. I could hear she was losing control, so I understood. What I didn't understand was what this meant. Were we still friends? Did she not want me to call her anymore?

I was planning to call Traci and Caleb, too, but I couldn't bring myself to do it at that moment. I had an entire flight to Kiev to deal with the gut punch I just received.

I screwed this up. I screwed it up bigtime.

Ukraine

The stale musty air in the old 747 perfectly matched my mood. The odor was occasionally blended with the fragrance of overcooked vegetables and the strange acidic aroma of reheated pasta as food carts served the in-flight swill. None of the smells masked the body odors of the family in front of me, and they occasionally added to the overall ambiance with loud-and-proud flatulence. Either that, or they were smuggling ducks and sitting on them.

I wished I had Odor-eaters in my shoes so I could remove them and shove them up my nose.

The only good thing was that I didn't have to talk to anyone on the flight because no one near me spoke English. The bad news was that I had to endure sixteen hours of depression in less-than-ideal accommodations.

I looked forward to my visit with Love's Embrace International, but I needed a mood or attitude adjustment. I was expecting to have the same rewarding experience as I had in India, but I was not heading into my visit in a good frame of mind. My last conversation with Angela stunned me. I wallowed in self-pity and I couldn't shake the feeling of incredible loss. I had to pull myself together.