Know Thyself

The flight attendants pretended to try and not wake us, but their schedule called for serving a meal, and it would be served no matter what. Ava stirred from her slumber and we continued to chat over a breakfast-like meal.

The attendants removed our trays, filled our drinks and it appeared they would leave us alone for a while.

"Anson?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you're here. Ya made this flight rather pleasant."

"Glad I'm here to with a lovely Aussie woman who is teaching a bloke the language."

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"You said you're single. Would you... do you have any interest in joining the mile-high club with me?"

"Are you serious?"

"I'm not looking for any strings. It's just a tick on my bucket list, and I would really like it to be with ya."

This was a test. I was sure of it. My resolve to avoid hookups and look only for substance was being challenged. My dick was screaming at me to go for it.

"Ava, I can't tell you how much I want to, but I can't. It's just not me to be too casual about intimacy."

"We're adults. We both want to. What's the harm?"

"I've learned from recent experience that the harm is to me. Intimacy on that level is an expression of love to me, and if I remove love from the act, I'm left feeling very empty. Do you understand?"

"Not really. But I can respect you for it. Just to be clear, if we go have a naughty in the dunny, I'll still respect ya."

"You're sweet. I... can't."

"It looks like you cracked a fat, so I think ya can. I think ya mean ya won't."

"You're right."

"Can I, at least, give ya a gobby?"

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

"If you think it means I wanna suck ya off, then yes."

"I really like you and I love sitting here and talking with you, and snuggling as much as we can in these seats. Can we just do that and join the mile-high club in our minds?"

"You're a strange bloke, Anson. But I like ya."

We enjoyed each other's company during the flight. I held her during landing, and as we parted ways, she gave me very hot kiss, or pash as I think she'd say.

In Sydney I met up with my friend who I knew from my former company. Stuart was a slightly refined used car salesman type of guy, but he could really sell stuff. We became fast friends during some of his visits to the factory in the states.

My visit to Australia was mostly uneventful. I stayed at Stuarts home. The big house was almost empty after his third wife ran off with her co-worker. We had a day of half-assed sightseeing. Stuart was not much of a tour guide. The only thing I really cared to see was the Sydney Opera House. He left me on my own for a day that he had to work, then it was a day of golf, two days of deep-sea fishing, and another day of golf.

The last night before I flew to Singapore, Stuart took me out to his favorite boozer for some grog (beer). He was behaving differently. He seemed less gregarious and a bit subdued as we idly chatted. I knew he had something on his mind and I wondered when he'd get to it. When he finally did, he shocked the hell outta me.

"Uh, Anson, can I ask a hypothetical question?"

"Sure"

"I guess it's more personal than hypothetical."

"Go ahead."

"I know the sheilas go wild for ya, but have ya ever wanted to, ya know, do stuff with a bloke?"

"Are you serious? No, I'm think I'm as straight as a guy can be."

"I'm sharin' something deeply personal, so I hope you'll keep it quiet. I've had thoughts, or fantasies, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I like sheilas a lot, but I was wondering if other normal blokes get them, too. You're a good mate, but from across the Pacific. I thought maybe you'd be a safe bet to help me sort it out."

"Hey, Stuart, everyone is different. I have certain thoughts and feelings about what is right and wrong, but you need to figure out what's best for you. You look like you've been beating yourself up about this. Just relax, and be you, mate!"

I think I read Stuart right. He was hitting on me. Why the hell am I suddenly the target for all kinds of people that want my body? On one hand, all of it is great for my ego, but lack of ego was never my problem.

I wondered if Stuart would become more aggressive at his house, but things were the same. He took me to the airport the following morning, and we parted with a solid 'bro hug.'

*****

The flight to Singapore was boring, in contrast with my other experiences. I landed and took an Uber to the Shangri-La Hotel, which was one of my favorites in the world. The rooms were overflowing with luxury. The shower rooms were what I used as a template for the one master suite in the home I had just sold in D.C.

I would only be in Singapore for three days and two nights, so I could get some rest before the next leg of my trip. The only thing I had planned was dinner with a friend from my former company's local sales office.

I met up with Paul Yu the next evening, and he drove me to a restaurant known as one of the best in Singapore, Waku Ghin. We were joined by two women and two other men from Paul's office, and we ate lots of things I could not identify, but they all were fantastic. We ended the night at a karaoke bar where I had the opportunity to embarrass myself before returning to the Shangri-La.

I slept well in a food and booze coma, but awoke feeling fresh the next morning. This trip was so different than I imagined it. I reflected on the fact that my first three stops turned into memorable sexual experiences, and yet somehow, I managed not to get laid in Australia or Singapore. Well, I could have had a man experiment in Australia, but that was easy for me to pass on. Was I maturing, and getting some perspective on who I am and what I want? I felt an uneasy pride in myself.

While my mind scrambled those thoughts around, a face and a name started taking over my brain. I wondered how I felt about Angela. I had talked to her briefly when I was in San Diego for Christmas, and something within me tugged at my heart.

I missed her.

I looked at my watch and calculated what time it was in Monterey. It was 10 AM in Singapore. That meant it was early evening where Angela was. I had to call her.

"Hello, Anson?"

I love caller ID.

"Hi beautiful. Have you had any interesting golf partners lately?"

"None as interesting as one a few months ago. How's the trip going? Where are you?"

"I'm in Singapore and it's going well. I happened to think of you and just had to call and say hi."

"That's sweet. I'm with the girls now just getting ready to eat dinner. We had a boring round today. There weren't any handsome men around to join us. Where is your next destination?"

"India."

"Right. You told me about that. I'm not sure I could go there without getting depressed. Oh, the food is here. I'm putting you on speaker to you can say hi to the girls."

In the background I hear 'Hey, Anson,' and 'Hi there, sexy." I couldn't tell who was talking, but it brought a smile to my face.

"Ladies, hello. Are you behaving?"

Somebody shouted, 'Hell, no.'

"Good for you! Take care, girls."

"Byee!"

I heard her phone go off speaker.

"Angie, I'll let you go so you can eat. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and let you know that I may not be able to call or text from India."

"I'm glad you called, Anson. I've thought of you as well. You take care."

At that point I still didn't know much about Angela. That didn't stop my infatuation with her from growing. This trip started with two women in mind. The possibilities I considered now included Angela. I might not end up with any of the three, but I was encouraged by my willingness to entertain the possibility.

I finished packing and caught an Uber to the airport. Singapore served its purpose. A quick visit, a brief rest, and then on to India. This next stop would be very different.

India

I've always had a distaste for the concept of visiting India. I had a number of opportunities in my business life, and I never failed to find ways to avoid going there. Now, on my own time and on my own dime, I was preparing to spend two weeks with some of the poorest and most backward people on earth in the very country I dreaded visiting. I couldn't believe I was looking forward to it.

Pastor Hank had introduced me to Bill Sims when he visited my church. I immediately liked him, and over dinner, I listened with great interest as he spoke passionately about his work as a missionary in India. He and his team worked with the Erukula and Mucherukala people in the Indian state of Andhra Pradesh. It was an easy decision to support him financially, but it took me a while to warm up to the idea of visiting his ministry, but there I was

I saw Bill waiting for me after I retrieved my bags at the airport. His wide genuine smile instantly made me feel welcomed. He was in his seventies, and yet he had a youthful attitude and spring in his step. You could tell that the conditions he had lived in had aged his body, but his spirit was vibrant.

We greeted like old friends, and then climbed into something he called a car. It had to be thirty years old, and it groaned with every effort to make it move forward.

"Bill, is this your only transportation?"

"Oh," he laughed. "No. One of our support churches bought our mission a new Ford Expedition, but one of the team members needed it today to transport six people. As you can see, this little thing barely fits two. I'm glad you don't travel with a lot of luggage."

"Let me know if you need me to get out and push."

"Looks can be deceptive, my friend. This little thing is surprisingly simple and dependable."

"I'll take your word for it. So, what are the plans for my visit?"

"Well, you'll be staying with the team in our one-star accommodations, and travelling with me to six of the villages. As you know, these people are the throw-away untouchables in Indian society. They are illiterate, they have no concept of hygiene or desire for health care, and they are completely backward and poor. Most of the children we work with now speak some English, and a few of the adults have gained a rudimentary knowledge of it, as well. I'm hoping you'll talk to the children about hygiene and work with some on their reading. We have basic notes to help you. I think it's important that they see someone different with the same commitment to hygiene and how it can improve their lives. You see, the life expectancy is very short among their people. Seeing a man like you, I assume somewhere near fifty, still living a full and active life will change their perception of what is possible. Most don't expect to live past forty."

"What about you? You must give them hope for more years of health."

"They think I'm an oddity. My team consists mostly of people in their twenties. You lend credibility to our message."

For two weeks I stayed in a shack that didn't even deserve the one star, but it was clean enough to suffice. I boiled water to brush my teeth, sometimes with an audience of children watching with great interest. I lived on rice with various vegetables, but there was no meat for the entire visit. Any drinking water was bottled and sent from supporting churches.

Every village we visited had the same putrid odor. In my work life, I had the misfortune of visiting wastewater treatment plants, paper mills and refineries. All three had their own stench, but the smell in these villages made them all seem like flower gardens in comparison. At first, I was put off by the odor of the people, but the hugs of children soon made me overlook it completely. I experienced a tender closeness with each group as we met.

This trip was changing me in so many ways. The old asshole in me wouldn't have given a shit and would have told you to tell these people to move where there's food, soap, and a shower and leave me alone. The person I was becoming now was sickened by who I was before, and appalled at the life these people had to endure.

When my two weeks were up, Bill drove me back to the airport in the nice new big Ford.

"So, Anson. How would you describe your visit?"

"More rewarding than I ever imagined. I can see why you care about these people, and why you do what you do. I don't think I could give my life to it the way you have, but I'm really glad I came."

"Well, I do it because these are God's people, too. This is where He has clearly led me. We all can't live with the Erukula, or Mucherukala, or the many other people in the world like them, but those of us who can need people like you and the support you give. You're as much a part of the team as any one of us living here."

As I boarded my flight to Shanghai, I started to take a long look inside myself. For the entire flight, I could think of nothing else but the miserable SOB I had been, and how I now wanted to live my life. How well did I know myself? How did I allow that old me to exist? Was the person I was becoming real, or was it temporary, and what was the difference?

I was close to understanding. There's one thing I was sure of. The 'old-me' would have kicked the 'new-me's' ass for being a bleeding-heart piece of shit. The new 'me' felt proud of that.

China

It had been almost eight years since I had been in Shanghai. If the Shangri-La in in Singapore was my favorite hotel in the world, the Portman Ritz-Carlton was a close second. I arrived on Saturday, January twenty-sixth, and planned a day alone since I knew India would cause me to need to recover. Fortunately, the food in India was kind to my system, and I had no ill-effects.

From my room on the thirty-eighth floor, I had a beautiful view of the city. The last time I was there, there had to be fifty cranes in view as the city was rapidly building new high-rises. There were still a few, but it seemed the skyline's changes were slowing down.

I had arranged my time with the woman I set out to see, Li Chen. Li was the General Manager of my former company's facility in Shanghai, and she eagerly agreed to be my host and guide for my two weeks in China. She suggested I span it over Chinese New Year, and I thought that was a great idea.

Li and I had a chemistry that was undeniable. During her visits to the States and mine to China, we gravitated toward each other. Every meeting she made it abundantly clear that she wanted me in her bed, but as a married man I was strong enough to resist. Barely, but strong enough. I considered her sexy as hell and very attractive. She was typical of many Chinese women in that she was petite, and probably weighed less than a hundred pounds, but her face was gorgeous and her body, while not particularly voluptuous, was extremely hard to resist. My plans called for her to join me on Sunday for dinner at the hotel, but I was happy I had a day and a half just to chill.

I arrived early enough that I decided to take a walk. I was strolling along the street the hotel was on when I sensed a presence next to me. I looked a saw the cutest tiny girl who couldn't be more than five feet tall, and I assumed she was a young teenager. She was walking next to me but looking at me. Once I noticed her, she broke the silence.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you an American?"

We stopped and I looked right at her. Instinctively, I put my hand over my wallet assuming I might be getting set-up for a pick-pocket or some other scam.

"Yes, I am."

"Would you mind if I just walked with you to practice my English?"

"Your English is very good, now."

She blushed and giggled. "Oh, thank you. I work hard at it, but I don't meet many Americans to make me better."

"Why are you working so hard at it?"

"I'm enrolled to go to MIT next semester, and I want to fit in with the other people."

Meixiu and I introduced ourselves, and just chatted as we strolled for a while into a shopping district. She told me that Meixiu meant 'beautiful grace,' but she wondered if she should take on an Americanized first name as so many Chinese do when they have international relationships. I told her it was a beautiful name and she should not feel the need to change for anyone.

We spent the better part of two hours together and I found her to be delightful. It was starting to get dark and I let her know I needed to return to the hotel for the night. She continued to walk with me, but she was not talking as much. Something was on her mind, and I imagined she would eventually tell me.

"Is everything okay, Meixiu? You seem quiet."

"I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid you will not think good of me."

"What do you want?"

"Would you... would you let me lie with you?"

I guess I should have seen it coming, but her conversation with me gave me the impression that she was so innocent and proper.

"Why would you want to do that with an old man like me? And, you seem far too young to be doing that?"

"I'm sorry. I've upset you. Please, forgive me."

"No, no. I'm not upset. I'm honored that you would offer me such a gift, but, why? And aren't you too young? You don't do this for money, do you?"

"No. I'm not like that. And I'm not too young. I'm twenty-two, and I have been with a man before."

"Then, why me?"

"I've heard things about American men, and I want to know how to please them. You are very nice, and I trust you. I hope you may teach me how American men like to do things."

I explained that I was honored and very tempted because she really was a beautiful girl. Well, I guess her age made her a woman. Instead of accepting her offer, I bought her dinner at the hotel and explained that she should not worry about what American men wanted, even if it was different than Chinese men. She needed to be true to herself, and let the men who were interested in her know that she was not a toy.

I hoped she listened. She really was sweet. Then it hit me. I turned down what promised to be a very memorable hookup, yet I felt good about how I handled the situation, and knew that if I had taken her to my room, that moment of bliss at sexual release would turn to an emptiness as soon as she left the room. I guess a guy almost fifty years old can still grow up.

Early Sunday morning I called Traci and Caleb to check in. Traci was glad I hadn't used any more condoms, even though it put her in risk of losing the bet.

After hanging up with Traci, I contemplated the plan for the next few weeks. I started wondering if Li was still interested in me or, for that matter, did I misread signals from the past and there was no real chemistry?

Before I recognized what was going on in my brain, my mind wandered to thoughts of Angela. Our physical connection seemed to have some emotional depth. I suddenly felt like I was in an extended round of The Dating Game. Would Li make me forget Angela, or would Angela rise above? Then, once in France, would the woman that has been in my thoughts take the place of whoever came out on top after my visit to China? The audience was on the edge of their seat waiting for me to choose, but I was both the contestant and the audience.

Was this a game to me? I didn't think so. I didn't go into it like a Bachelor contestant expecting one of the three would automatically agree to marry me and my life would be set. I wanted to be sure I was ready. I thought I had proved that I was. I wanted to see if two women from my past could be more than friends or acquaintances. They didn't know there was a competition of sorts, and I hoped I was open and honest with them.

Angela was a pleasant surprise, but I still had doubts about myself and how I viewed her. She innocently inserted herself into my life and became a real possibility for future happiness, but I couldn't pull that trigger yet. I started to feel a little guilty, because she was the only one of the three that knew something about the purpose of my trip. I had to find a way to get to know her from a distance so I could put her on equal ground, because at that point, I always questioned if I was thinking strongly of her because she was the unknown, or because what I knew captured my emotions.