Last Night

This is what I remember and I'm sure I don't have it all in here or in the right order but a lot of it is hazy. Also, it might not be too erotic. It's just what was or wasn't going on in my mind.

When you walk in, you're almost jovial with an earnest genuine smile, you're sun kissed with a baseball cap. It's hard for me to align that energy with the intensity I think I will be experiencing from you minutes and hours later. Your kiss at the door is welcome and friendly. Plus, I love how small I feel with your arms around me, your hands on me, me standing a stair above you so we don't have to stretch quite so far to kiss.

Minutes later we're in my bedroom and I'm in tiny grey shorts and a white tank top on my bed watching you set your things on my dresser and shed your clothes. Our first moments together feel comfortable like I know we'll be in a groove soon but we're not there yet. And the chemistry between us seems warm and fun and you slide my shorts off to use your tongue and I know it's going to feel great and we're both enjoying the moment. It's when you ask me if I remember the rule (tell you when I'm about to come, tell you when I'm coming), you praise me and you slap my breast that I remember this isn't going to stay warm and lighthearted. It's a bit like I'm on a ride that went from fun to thrilling and suddenly I'm reminded I need to pay attention to everything at every moment.

You're so skilled with your tongue. My body is reacting to you stroking me with your tongue and your arms holding my legs. And beyond that, I don't know how to describe the feeling other than to say I know you won't let me get away with anything. I am welcome to tell you what will feel good to me, but I can't stop you from making me come and I can't temper your behavior or your will. And there is this interplay between you and me and then there is another interplay in my own mind. You have control of me and I want you to have control of me. And I want to please you and be the person to please you. But also, for me, I want to be the kind of person to please you and also give this indulgence to myself. Giving up power is only meaningful when you have power to give. Same with autonomy and sense-of-self and control. And I'm putting myself in your hands willingly so that I can concede all of this.

And then we're fucking and in the middle of it you ask if you can take a video to share with Joseph. And in this moment that we're in together, you remind me that not only am I choosing to give myself up for your pleasure but for his too. And you are each taking a role in training me to do all of this better than I'm doing it now. So in the moment of me with my ass in the air and my head on the mattress and you physically dominating me; smacking my ass and my back and pushing me down and holding my head, then pulling my ponytail so that I come up off the mattress and am willingly at your mercy; you're also reminding me that it's just part of a larger commitment I've made to put myself in this space over again. And putting myself here requires that I fully participate in all of it. And I understand a little bit of the trust I have to have in you and in Joseph to carry me through this.

Now it's my turn to please you and you're on your back and I'm licking and sucking your cock. I know that Joseph wants me to practice and I know you want me to do better than I have before. I love the feeling of you getting hard in my mouth, knowing that I'm making you feel so good. And I am concentrating on your reactions to what I'm doing as I lightly stroke my nails across your balls. You're telling me it feels so good and you're giving me more direction. Then you show me a video on your phone and describe to me and show me how I can improve. All I'm there for in the moment is to be as perfect as I can be at pleasing you. There is no other reason for my being. I'm totally focused and watching Amy on your phone and listening to you and feeling your cock respond to my tongue and my throat and then my hand. And feeling my throat coated and dripping that down your cock so that my hand slides and twists around your cock and I know you like what I'm doing because you praise me and respond to me. And the whole time in your very clear commanding voice your communicating to me how to do better so that we're aligned in a singular purpose.

Next, I'm on my back and the paddle is in your hands and my eyes are closed and your stroking me and swatting me. And I don't know which is coming next and I flinch in anticipation and then I really flinch when the paddle strikes me or your hand strikes me. If I could be in my head at all, I certainly can't now because the only thing I can think about is where the next pain is going to land, on my breasts, my thighs, my face, my stomach. And I want to crawl away because of the pain and I want to crawl away because I'm going to come again and every single feeling is too much for me to tolerate and yet, there is nowhere for me to go because you would never let me escape feeling all of it.

And now you're standing by the bed and you've flipped me onto my stomach and you're fucking me and telling me I'm your fuck toy and I'm telling you that the only reason I'm here is for you to fuck, my pussy is yours to do whatever you want with and it's true. There is no other reason. And your spanking me so hard and pulling my hair so I lift off the bed and you're grabbing my neck and then it really hurts and because I can't think about any one thing, I think about nothing. Still my body is responding to your cock fucking me so hard. And you flip me over onto my back like I'm a doll, like there is no resistance because there can be no resistance and you're fucking me again and I can feel it starting and I'm squirting all over us and this orgasm is so different. My body is defeated and there's no riding a wave. It's total release.

On my back you start slapping me. You've told me my eyes are to stay shut and I'm not to move and not react and it's so so hard because it hurts so badly. And I want to respond perfectly but here is where my body does not obey me. You slap my breast so hard and it hurts too badly and I move to defend myself before a conscious thought reminds me to control myself. And you tell me if I flinch, it will only be harder the next time and the game feels so cruel. But also, you've told me the rules and my only purpose is to please you and kindly, you coach me through breathing through the pain and I start to realize I can do it. That I'm more capable than I give myself credit for which means I'm going to be better for you. And none of that is cruel. It's necessary.

And then we're cuddling and you're laughing at me because every time I come I say 'ow' over and over again and I don't believe you. I've never said that, and you're incredulous because that's all I ever say and you're teasing me because I say 'ow' and cry that it hurts so much and I try to get away and you like the fight in me and the game we play.

And something shifts and I'm on my stomach again and I know the rule is don't flinch, don't react to you. And I'm not sure how I got here, I don't remember, but also I'm gone. My eyes are open and I see the sheet and I know you're over me beating me and there's no effort on my part because I'm not of my body. My mind is gone elsewhere. It doesn't matter what you do now. There is no control or loss of control, there's no effort on my part because there is no 'my part'. I search for it later -- derealization or subspace. It doesn't matter how hard you hit me or if you hit the same spot over and over again. I won't move, I won't react. Sometimes, the pain brings me back and I lift my head and sigh and look the other direction. And when I come out of this, I will know exactly what it is to fully trust someone. It's not voluntary at all, and it's not conscious. It started that way, I know I chose to trust you and chose to go here with you but in the moment, everything voluntary is gone, everything conscious is gone. And when I come out of this I feel so high, so ethereal.

And finally, you're fucking me from behind again and my head is buried in the pillow and I can feel everything and every hit hurts so intensely that all I can do is scream and I do scream and I'm not angry but I'm letting every bit of anger out of my body and screamed into my pillow and every fucking moment I held back instead of picking a fucking fight or retaliating or instigating is screamed into that pillow and 'fuck you' screams out of my mouth over and over again and since it's you, you'll never let me stop or give up or escape and I have to be in the moment and feel all of it so intensely and react exactly as my mind is telling me to react. And one more time you flip me onto my stomach and you pull out of me and you come all over me and then I'm crying. And then you're holding me and I feel so thankful, grateful, fortunate that you took me to all these places that I've never been before and you're right there holding onto me.

I asked him afterwards if this is also what he remembered and this was his reply, "Yes when one vivid exception. As I fucked you before I came, you REALLY struggled to keep your cry suppressed. It was incredibly vulnerable, so much that I wasn't sure I could maintain eye contact with you (I had that same feeling immediately after I came on you and saw your condition).

I think that must be the most raw and real experience I've ever had with another person. I'm really not trying to embellish here, but I don't think I could forget that moment the rest of my days. I sure hope not."