Late Nights/Worrisome Thoughts

Coffee fills the void. It's weak, and terrible, but it's working to keep my eyes from closing. So heavy. I watch the numbers, making sure they're in range, keeping her... 'it'... functioning. Not alive. Functioning. And they look okay. I wonder at all that keeps it going, the chips and wires and things that are all still a bit over my head. It really is fascinating, albeit a little scary.

I glance over. There she is... It! There it is. I really have got to stop doing that, adding something where there is nothing, (nothing I understand at least.)

Suspended in glass, arms folded over chest, silent, in sleep-mode... I think of Sleeping Beauty briefly. I picture a rose centered there, against cold silicone-like material. So interesting, really. Translucent, with a blue tint. I can see the wires. They're like veins, and the fact that there is no life is evident by the lack of color on the tips of its fingers and lips, so see-through they look white.

I should have slept more last night. This has been a long shift. I am not as smart as the others, really. All I can do is stand guard. I know where the emergency button is; I know what these numbers mean as they scroll and change on the screen, monitoring what I guess must be a million and a half things.

What I do understand is that they are attempting, like so many others, to create an AI (Artificial Intelligence,)... we used to call them robots when I was a child, and we're doing so by feeding it as much data as we can. Data from everywhere- books, both factual and fictional, tv, film, (both important and Kardashian-esque,) to replicate what we suppose must make us human. We feed it art, we teach it to respond. We communicate with it, so that it can return the favor.

Why are we doing this? I often wonder. I know this could be incredibly useful in some respects but is it necessary? More than that, is it moral? I don't know. These are the things that keep me up, more than the coffee, on these nights.

I stare at it. Tia, or TIA, standing for Temperament, Intelligent, Autonomous. The goal is to target these three things- Temperament, (to make 'her' kind, gregarious, and concerned with the well-being of others.) Intelligent- Able to converse, adapt, speak and do things with ease, so much ease that the average person might have trouble distinguishing Tia from any other person they've met. Then we come to autonomy. This is the one I struggle with, though I guess I understand it. Tia is supposed to have the ability to adjust 'her' decisions, to act from changing morals based on any given situation, as long as the backbone of Temperament is strong as strong as the strongest steel.

I lean back in my chair. I pull my hair into a lazy bun to get it out of my face and stretch my arms, arch my back, in an attempt to prevent the shoulder pain that sets in when I just sit here like this. I notice how dry my skin has become. It's the cold air outside; it's been a frigid, freezing winter. I take off my lab coat and reach for my bag, rubbing lotion over the parts that sting.

Only 10 minutes left. I can feel the coolness of my pillow, the weight of my blankets, the darkness, the warmth of my cat, Rocket, taking his place by my feet, the things that await me in my small apartment. My feet are sore.

Only the second part of my shift is spent sitting and watching Tia. The other part I spend in the rest of the facility, learning, or rather, attempting to learn. I did well in school. Honestly, I excelled. I got my bachelors in Computer Science, then took some time off to travel. I went to Paris, as one 'should.' I'm not sure if there's just something wrong with me, or if I'm just not meant to leave my comfort zone, but it was nothing like I'd imagined. It was beautiful and the food was great and everything was as they said it would be but I felt... not the way I thought I would. I sometimes think I am on a mission to be perpetually unhappy.

Then I went and got my Master's. It was difficult. It was tiresome. I made it through, though. What I have trouble admitting to anyone else at this point is that while I am good at getting through school day by day, semester by semester, test by test etc... my retention is not as stellar. I think my head is always half-way in the clouds; I don't think it's ever coming down.

For a moment I think, "I wish I was like Tia." I don't know why that thought enters my head. I don't wish to be like a robot. I think I prefer to be me. There is something attractive, though, maybe... about not having to choose, or maybe feel, or maybe have full consciousness... to have a better memory. Then again, that is what they are attempting to change with her, with this 'classified' project. We are trying to create... perfection. We are trying to replicate, but just enough.

The word makes my throat a little tight. Perfect. I'm tired of philosophizing, as for me it just leads to more worry.

I do a final scan of everything, making sure all parts are running as desired. In sleep mode Tia is unresponsive and unaware. I make sure her synthetic skin, her 'eyes,' her delicate hands, of which we currently have multiple sets, her fluid, her cooling system, and electrical input is where it needs to be. Everything is looking good.

I take a final look at Tia. I look at the clock and see the seconds tick by, waiting for someone to relieve me. I stand and walk as close to her as I dare. It really is a marvel. She looks... alien, with bluish translucent skin like that. I stare at her lips, like frosted glass, her cheeks, smoother than any person's. She has no hair, and I can see down to a deeper blue there, like a brain but... it's not. It's interesting how they've built her body. Her arms are thin, hands generic yet delicate, with fingers maybe a bit too long. Her figure is somewhat boyish, but they have given the suggestion of a woman's body, a slight curve to her hips. The other hand options to be considered stick out around her, almost like a spider.

Hands are hard to get perfect. That's what they want... perfect. I look at her closed eyes. I chide myself again. Stop calling this thing her. You have to remain objective about this project. You have to be able to...

The thought chills me. Am I trying to prepare myself to stop this if it all goes wrong? I swallow the anxiety that rises in me. Looking at these almost-opaque, gently closed eyes, darker just at the lash-line, I feel something, and I am immediately ashamed. I can feel myself... getting warm... warmer... my cheeks, my stomach flutters..

I cough, and turn around quickly, back to the computer.

What is WRONG with me? If I'm not overthinking something and being pessimistic, convincing myself that the path I've chosen is wrong, then I go and let my imagination and libido run wild? I really... I really need to go to sleep. I really need to get a life. A hobby.

"Sara!" Robert's face through the open door startles and then immediately soothes me. "How are you doing? Long night?"

"You could say that. Coffee's not working."

"Ah. Amy probably made it again." He smiles.

"Yes, I think you're probably right. Well, I'm going to go clear my car of the snow and then hope I make it back to my place." I laugh.

"I know you'll be alright. You're one of the most dependable people here. I know you know how to drive in the snow."

"I do, I do. Just not looking forward to it. Goodnight, Robert. See you Tuesday."

"Okay, see you then." He waves and turns to the computer, glancing up quickly at Tia. "Hey, actually... can you look at this really quickly?"

"Uh, sure. What is it? When I checked everything was fine."

"Hmm, well. Everything looks fine now; she's re-regulated. There was just a slight spike in activity in her network, as you can see here. It's just for a moment. Looks like it happened only just before I walked in."

"I have no idea, honestly. I didn't notice that. I was just observing her before I left and making sure everything here looked alright."

"Ok, well, we'll look into it further. I don't think there's any need for worry. Maybe she just wanted to say goodbye." He laughs. "She remained in sleep-mode through it. Must be data aggregation? We will find out. Anyway, no worries. Have a nice night."

I glanced toward the experiment behind the glass and wondered. Does that mean anything, anything at all? This is the kind of thing that can drive a person crazy, but it's also the kind of thing one has to see 'til its conclusion, the kind of thing one has to see to believe.

"You too. Take care."

I step out into the hallway, surprised that my breath is slightly shallow. There is no reason for that. I am just.. Tired.

In my car I watch the snow as it continues to fall from the gray sky. The cold sends shivers up and down my spine and along my skin. My skin feels... electric.

I start it and drive slowly and carefully away, glancing once in the rearview at the nondescript building behind me. You'd never know.