Laughter is not the Best Medicine

We've all heard how bad the NHS is getting these days, right? You can't see a GP and you if you need an ambulance you'll be lucky if one turns up after 12 hours and once you are at A&E you will spend God only knows how many hours laying on a trolley in some chilly and dingy corridor waiting to be seen by someone... anyone. That was my experience recently and luckily for me it all ended happily but it reminded me of the time I had to go to hospital when I was living and working in the Middle East some years ago. How different that experience was.

It was a private hospital and it looked more like a hotel and seemed to be run like one too. You had your own private room which was rally nice plus you had a TV and a radio. The food was delicious and you could have what you liked when you liked. And you could walk around the place if you wanted to (and if you were able to of-course) and socialise in the common room with other patients and even members of the staff and have a game of pool or pop down to the swimming pool or gym.

But the best thing about it though were the nurses. How many romantic stories or pornographic movies involve a sexy and beautiful nurse? How many sex games played by a couple involve a husband (for example) begging that his wife dress up like a nurse? Ask any schoolboy for instance to describe a sexy and beautiful woman and she would probably be a woman wearing a nurses uniform. And for once the erotic fantasy was true because believe you me all the nurses at that hospital really were sexy and beautiful. It could have been because of the pain and the drugs I was on at the time but they did all seem to look as if they were "Playboy" centrefolds.

And there was one in particular that I'll never forget. Her name was Veronica and she is a vision from heaven. Long golden curls, blue eyes and the longest legs, a great bum and fantastic tits. A Californian golden girl with a Colgate smile. A true schoolboy fantasy of what a woman should look like. She took my breath away and I just couldn't stop staring at her but I felt that even just staring at her was as dangerous as staring at the sun. One smile from her and a man would gladly jump off a cliff if he thought it would make her happy. Not surprisingly every man in the building went out of his way to get her attention and win her affection. Not that any one succeeded as far as I knew but that hadn't dented her popularity and she was unfailingly polite and friendly to everyone and would smile serenely as all the men crowded around her competing for her favour.

But there was one man she didn't like being chatted up by and that was Jake. Jake was an American. He was a big bloke as wide as he was tall with a big barrel chest and hairy as a gorilla, I mean he even had hair on his back! The only place on his body where he didn't have any hair was on his head. He was a merchant seaman an officer on a oil tanker. He was what you might call a "loud" American one of those "hail fellow well met" kind of people. He couldn't see someone without walking up to them and starting a conversation and telling jokes especially if that "someone" was one of the nurses.

We'd be playing pool in the lounge and then a couple of nurses would come in to get a drink or something and he'd stop to stare at them and would say something to them that to me sounded rather crude but which I knew was meant to be a taken as a compliment. They would laugh it off and made themselves scarce and Jake would watch them go and shake his head and give me a wink and tell me how shaggable they were and comment on their tits or legs or whatever which would then prompt him to tell me again all about woman and all about the women he'd known. He obviously thought he was God's gift to women but from what I could see women didn't think so and nor did God for that matter.

But he paid special attention to Veronica. "Cheer up sweetheart," he'd call out whenever he saw her, "it might never happen," and would then engage her in conversation which consisted of him telling her how beautiful and sexy she was and how much he loved her and asking her if she had a boyfriend and why oh why was she wasting her time working as a nurse when she could be a model? She would smile politely and then hurry off to seek refuge with her friends at a table at the other end of the room or simply flee the room altogether.

I really couldn't understand why he bothered. Why on earth would any woman, especially a woman like Veronica be interested in someone as crude and vulgar as him.

'Not getting anywhere with her are you?' I said one day as we played pool.

'Patience my son, patience,' he said with what I thought was misplaced bravado. Then taking his shot he pulled himself upright again and as he watched the ball just miss the corner pocket he added, 'what you need to understand is that no matter how often a woman says "no" if you keep at it for long enough she will crack and give in.'

That wasn't true in my (admittedly limited) experience.

'Do you fish?' he then asked

I shook my head.

'Well you should. Hooking a woman and landing her is just like fishing. You have to know what makes them tick, what their habits are, what they like. You need to find the right lure. You need to sit at the right spot on the river bank at the right time and keep casting your line and in the end they wont be able to resist and...bang you've got your hook into her!'

Another time he told me, 'see, the thing is if you are nice to them women will be nice to you. And if you want to be nice to a woman then all you have to do is flatter them by paying them compliments.'

'But that wont work with her though,' I said lining up my next shot, 'I bet she's heard it all before loads of times.'

'Don't you believe it son,' snorted Jake. 'The trick is to make a fuss over her. You tell her how beautiful she is. How sexy she is. How much you love her and then one day...you stop and instead you ignore her.'

'And then what happens?'

'They start to worry and try to find out why you have stopped paying her compliments. Then they will quite happily spread their legs for you to make you start saying nice things to them again.'

'Really?' That did not sound in the least bit believable.

'Sure. Why do you think that after you've banged them women always ask if you "love" them?'

I didn't think that was the reason. In my opinion a woman who had just slept with a man wanted assurance that she hadn't made a mistake. She'd agreed to go to bed with you because she loves you and she is hoping that feel the same way.

And of-course he got round to wondering why I hadn't had a crack at her. It almost sounded I had to prove to him that I was a "real" man and try it on with her. But to be honest I was a bit intimidated by her because I knew she was way out of my league. A woman like that is only seen in the company of film stars, millionaires and the members of the aristocracy and I wasn't any of those things. But Jake didn't see it that way,

'Thing is buddy,' he said one day 'guys like you always make the same mistake. You see a chick like Veronica and you walk on by. What you don't realise is that women like her expect men to approach her. And these women are so vain. They think they are untouchable. But they aren't. Veronica is no different from any other woman.'

'So what do you reckon your chances are with Veronica then?' I asked.

'Well the doctor says I'm almost healed up so I'll have to move fast,' he said in all seriousness.

I let that go. It was just all talk after all. It was quite obvious to me at least that Veronica was not charmed by Jake and that he was not the kind of man who could talk her into bed.

But what do I know? One night I woke up because I needed the bathroom. On my way down the corridor I passed Jake's room and noticed that the light was on and that the door was ajar. I popped my head in to make sure everything was alright and say "hello"when I noticed that Veronica was also in the room standing at his bedside with her back to me.

I heard her ask, 'are you feeling better now?'

'Just looking at you makes me feel good,' said Jake in a breaking voice.

'Now be careful Jake. Don't over do things.'

'I promise I wont but you must help me.'

Then there was a long silence.

'Now Jake..' she sounded a little anxious.

'It's okay. You only need to look after me.'

'No I can't...'

'But you promised. And a promise is a promise.'

'I can't,' she said again pleading.

'You can't change your mind now.'

'You agreed.'

'I know...but'

'But what?'

'It's not fair. You're taking advantage of me.'

'All I'm saying remember what we talked about.'

'I know, I know...but...'

'But what?'

'I've changed my mind?'

'Oh come on! A deal is a deal!' said Jake sounding like a mafia boss.

'I can't...' she seemed very upset.

I saw Jake take one of her hands and guide it under his blankets. Veronica let out a cry and tried to free it and pull away.

'No! Jake! Stop it! Please don't make me!'

'Don't lie to me young lady. I know you want to.'

'No I don't,' cried Veronica still trying to free her hand.

Jake suddenly let out a small strangled cry, 'Oh boy. That is good! Oh my God yes...don't stop!'

'Please!' begged Veronica

'You're doing great,' gasped Jake breathlessly, 'really great!' I then saw Jake kick the blankets to the foot of the bed and my mouth quite literally fell open because I could see that Jake was making Veronica hold his big old gnarled cock in her hand.

'Oh God!' wailed Veronica in despair

'Now come on girl. Stroke it...yeah...that's it...oh yeah...oh God damn girl you're doing great!'

that's so good. You're so good!' gasped Jake as he made her wank him off.

'Oh god!...No!' sobbed Veronica

'Oh that's good. Holy shit...that's so unbelievable man!' cried Jake in a voice that sounded like someone was trying to strangle him. He then took his hand away and watched as Veronica continued to stroke his cock and his head fell back on the pillow and a huge sigh that sounded like he was choking escaped his lips.

'Oh man! You are amazing!'

'But I don't want to.'

'Don't lie girl. You're loving this.'

'No,' replied Veronica but not very convincingly.

'Now why don't be a good girl and put it in your mouth?'

'Oh God no. Please I can't,' wailed Veronica pathetically.

'Just do it you dumb bitch. Everyone knows you're nothing but a slut so just do it God damn it!' cried Jake suddenly sounding quite angry and taking her by the back of her head he forced it down. She tried to resist but he was too strong

'Come on you dirty little slut open your mouth wide,' he urged her with a gasp of desperation.

'Please...' began Veronica. And that was a mistake. The second she opened her mouth Jake rammed her head down over his cock and held her down with both hands his hands wrapped in her hair.

'Get to it girl. Let's see what you can do for old Jake!' he crowed as he lay on the bed his hands clasped behind his head watched her head bob up and down on his gnarled old cock

'Oh Shit!' gasped Jake 'you're a pro. A real pro!'

Holding his cock both hands I watched spellbound as that gorgeous blonde took as much of it down her throat as she could caressing his shaft with her mouth. All of a sudden Jake twitched and clamping her head down hard on his cock it was obvious he had just emptied his balls into her mouth.

'Swallow! Swallow!' cried Jake hoarsely

Then, without warning he pulled his brutal weapon out of her mouth and the Veronica let out a loud gasp.

'Oh man! That was great! Did you enjoy that you dirty little bitch.'

'No.'

'Don't lie. You loved it.'

'Can I go now?'

'Go?'

'But I've done what you wanted.'

'Why don't you just shut your stupid fucking mouth and clean my cock and balls with that filthy mouth of yours while Jake has a rest and gets his breath back.'

And she did. She gave his cock and balls a real spring clean while Jake lay back like some Eastern potentate enjoying the services of some poor slave girl.

She did a thorough job and when she was finished she straightened up. She obviously thought that was the end of it and looked as if she was preparing to leave. But Jake had other ideas. Grabbing her

he tossed her face down on his bed and tore off her uniform. Pressing her lovely face firmly into the pillow he started to smack her perfect behind several times before spreading her legs wide apart and then smashing his nasty big cock between her golden legs and grabbing her hair pulled her head right back as he battered her into submission. He must have been pounding into her helpless pussy for what seemed like ages and I have no idea how she survived it. Then he withdrew his cock and flipped her onto her back.

'You enjoy that baby? Are you feeling better now?'

The poor girl was barely conscious.

'You needed that didn't you? you dumb bitch!'

Jake began to maul and paw her fantastic body squeezing her perfect breasts and sucking hard on her nipples before rifling his brutal weapon between her legs again and start to fuck her with intensity and aggression putting a big hand over her mouth to stifle her screams. She lay there as he thrashed her with his cock her body heaving and squirming helplessly underneath him. Then after having destroyed her pussy he moved up until he was crouching over his face and forcing her mouth open shoved his cock down her throat again and she just lay obviously in a state of shock and just took it.

The trouble with me when it comes to women is that I see one I like and I want to ask her out but I can't for the life of me see why she would say "yes" to me. But Jake, obviously didn't have that problem. If he wanted a woman he simply took her and judging from what I witnessed they didn't seem to mind. Maybe women were all dumb whores but I found that impossible to believe. Maybe women did want men like Jake regardless of what feminists say and what women want to believe.

I have tried to learn from Jake and change the way I behave with women but it's hard. I seem to lack the iron hard self-confidence and killer instinct to persuade women that what I want they want too. But I'll keep trying through.