All Comments on 'Let's Face It'

Some name! Thane, a nobleman.

5

Good story, just a shame it's full of clichés.

You've compiled it all in one go.

No support, no communication, no help for each other, lots of belittling, lots of blaming, zero sexual understanding, a desire to humiliate him,........Yes! It was a great marriage.

I don't understand the desire to stay married when they don't love each other or share anything.

Just found this one....odd.

5 Stars / Another great story from @demander

Not your best effort. Relies on tired cliches, lazy at best and borderline racist at worst. Character development is weak as well. At least you didn't give the protagonist a SEAL team background or martial arts training. 2stars, thanks for sharing - gb

Perry not saying anything to Della and just walking away when she leaves with Thane is effective for this particular story.

But, it also cuts out any potential for emotional content. Leaves this story feeling bland and hollow.

Considering he spent 5 years as a house husband and primary caregiver for the kids Perry apparently didn't do that great of a job instilling values into Eileen. She never seemed all that upset at Della for blowing up their family and was seemingly enamoured of Thane from the start all the way up until he was shot.

Another decent story, but it felt rather...sterile.

Another well written story with a decent twist. I agree with Bigfundrew that this one seemed a little too sterile. It is similar to other stories you've written but there was something missing. If I knew what it was, I'd be a better author myself.

Good story, mostly because Perry is strong enough to come out on top.

The stupid side is people trying to get Perry to accept Della and Thane. Both of these people went out of their way to humiliate and dominate Perry. They were not sorry for it in the least. WHY should Perry be OK with either of them? The "story" got revenge on them by killing Thane and wounding and diminishing Della. All Perry wants to do is ignore them but retain full awareness of the kind of people they were and STILL ARE. What's the problem with that?

BTW, Eileen is a moron. Like mother, like daughter.

Would have been better if Thane had dumped her. But that's what most stories on here do. It's good to have a twist here and there. Thanks..SK

Slice o’ Life

It was a pity that the two couples couldn’t have had ok lives—it was a bit trope-y as to the shooting; it would have been fun to just have had them be in their own worlds. Fella is a smart cookie; it would have been interesting had she had her epiphany about her lack of support earlier before Thane’s death rather than after; she was a good complex character otherwise—I am pretty sure you enjoyed writing her!

I didn't care for the way pretty much everyone gushed over Thane, even Nellie it seems. So it was very cathartic that he died. It's also strange how everyone thinks that a person suffering from depression is a reason to have an affair; if anything it makes the spouse cheating out to be even more despicable for giving up on the hurting spouse. At least sever ties with that spouse if you feel nothing anymore, or help them get better if you do still care.

Della was just a self centered person, she only wanted Perry when she saw him rebuild himself. Sorry usually having the ex regret leaving her faithful husband is a plus but here she admits that she'd likely still have cheated on Perry; she just wants everything. It's fine, we've established that she's awful. Nellie however truly rubs me the wrong way the way she was attracted to Thane and seemed to want Perry to befriend the two of them. It seemed more like she was hoping they'd be closer so she could get a shot at him, and I don't mean with a bullet. This is a 2 star for me.

What??????? This was a disjointed mess with a whole cast of unlikeable people. The people were cold, the writing was dispassionate and the only plus was that it was short. 3*

She deserved everything that happened to her. Perry was as much to blame in the beginning but Della broke them.

Interesting story about some fairly repulsive people (except maybe Nellie).

Boring.

I liked the story. The hubby was 188 at 5-9, which is a little heavy but not obese. A less narcissist wife would have worked out with him to help get him into shape. I thought Thane’s character development was well done and realistic but not racist at all. I wonder who shot him; perhaps de messed with the wrong guy’s woman. Della got what she wanted. I liked Nellie; glad that they were able to have a family together.

honestly Thank God that prick was shot. Fucking consequences people!

Quite good. Thane is good riddance. And Della? Well.......

Nice

5 stars

Nice.

Like most wives that cheat, she ended up broke, bitter, and alone.

Lol.

Nice realistic story.

This story was surprisingly emotionless - the characters are like game pieces, going through the motions. I think the “reporting” style that most of the story is told in leads to the bloodless feel of the events. The writer’s maxim “show, don’t tell” would have helped this writer; if we readers had been shown more of the events instead of having been told about them, the story would have far more immediacy and emotional impact

A healthy weight loss is 1-2lbs a week. He lost 13lbs in less than 4 weeks with no noticeable changes in his eating habits. It doesn’t add up.

For 5 years he turned into a couch potato, “day trading” and, more likely, watching porn and didn’t do anything to improve himself or work on their marriage.

He even hid the money he was making from his wife. So let’s be honest, he wanted her to cheat on him, he wanted a divorce but wanted to be justified in his actions. He wanted her to be the bad guy….or rather, the author did.

Poor

Nellie's answer to "would you go with him" should have been, "Nope, never, you are my love and my life." The fact she said what she said, shows the door is open in her mind for fucking around. No spouse, husband or wife, should need to "change the subject" when discussing people outside the marriage. If you're shallow enough to only see physical attraction and money, you're worthless in a true marriage. Really nobody in this story to cheer for. Even their kids were unimpressive.

Great story, good ending. Thanks for writing.

The husband was kind of a pussy in the beginning, but the right person died. The old slut should have suffered the same fate. However, facing the rest of her life as a gutter slut is appropriate also.

WONDERFUL STORY, 10 STARS! Perry should have taken better care of himself, but being his wife, Della should have seen to it. Della proved she's a whore, and Perry got his just due- A real wife named Nellie, and 2 more children! Latrell, or Thane, also got his, because Della wasn't the only whore he mastered!

Too narrative-driven. Not a bad tale, though. Three stars.

JPB

Who was this even for? The entire thing reads like the synopsis of a documentary, not a story.

If she was shot in the calf,the tibia and fibula would not be broken,the calf muscle is behind them.Just another slack piece of writing.

Got boring as it played out. Did not like Eileen….way too casual about her Mom committing adultery.

.

3 ***

I hate to say this but I found the story to be quite boring. No emotion or any real feelings from any party.

Boring is the correct term. None of the characters appeared to be real people with real emotions. I particularly doubt that husband could have made enough money to buy the Mercedes van and still have money to travel without a job. Nellie is another contrived plotline that rarely, if ever exists in a real world, but is found in every LW story.

Dry.

5 stars for the conclusion. She didn't really get long-term rewarded for her treachery once the asswipe got offed. He got rewarded with a loyal partner and 2 more kids, who would hopefully not inherit the bitch genes that his first two kids clearly got from their skanky mommy. I almost downgraded to 4 stars for the asswipe kids of the bitch, but decided the rest of the Karma made the story worth full 5.

I agree this sounded less emotional, but people, what are you, fucking robots? You can IMAGINE the emotions behind dry events, try that, it's called empathy.

Pretty much disliked all the characters in the dory other than the son Allen, who at least had a bit of character to him. Otherwise, you had the slob, the slut, the big black cock, the teenager who loves rap and famous people and the other woman who seems to fantasize about the big black cock. Not much reason to invest yourself in any of the characters.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this story other than I didn’t like it.

So Nellie has to admit she would have taken Thane because of his big dick and fame? Seriously! I think any woman in real life would have lied and even if the husband or boyfriend felt she lied she would keep on lying. Had I been Perry and my girl Nellie said that we would have frosted out big time. After losing my wife to the guy and my kid gushing over him no way would I want my serious live in girlfriend also on. the thane bandwagon.

You deliberately wrote Perry as a weak and pathetic person. Losing his job was out of his control. But then being a stay-at-home dad to his two teenage children was, in itself, very strange. Why hadn't he searched and got a new job better suited to his talents? Or discussed with Della what he was doing? Only rescued by the on-line research/trading he was doing but we never get to hear how much he was making. It seems he never discussed, in 5 years, with his wife how successful he had been.

Then, on the Wednesday before his wife planned to leave for her wild sex week with Thane, you had Perry outdoing himself in a weak and submissive way: Cooking all the meals still, cleaning. Even carrying the bags for his slut. cheating wife, out to the car for Thane. Come on, are we meant to forget that?

So yes, cheating by Della was bad and she should have filed for divorce before cucking him. But he did nothing to help himself.

Sadly, I must agree with those saying this is not one of your best. The overall destination was good and what I expect, but the path to get there was weak and disappointing. A wise thing to remember is that the destination is important, but it's really about the journey.

If this was real life, I'd say that marriage was over even before he lost his job. As written, neither one loved the other enough to keep the marriage going. Why was it up to his wife to get him back on his feet? He should have been man enough to do that himself. When he finally made the move, he didn't care enough about his wife to make one move to stop her from ruining the marriage. If he had cared at all he would have told her he wouldn't be there when she returned.

Regarding the writer, when demander first started writing I thought he had talent that a little experience would bring out. I guess I was wrong. Despite numerous tips and recommendations from me and other better writers, he appears to be satisfied with his lack luster stories. He has 79 stories and not a single red h.

So, no consequences for the repellent Della until an anonymous gunman appeared and murdered her lover for reasons that had nothing to do with his or her treatment of Perry. And this is supposed to constitute karma? You might just as well have stayed with the 'and the loathsome bitch lived happily ever after' ending that this seemed to be heading towards. Not your best, D.

Not a normal, crisp, engaging story like many from Demander. Some time lines were off in the beginning. I’m okay will zero likable characters, but their personalities as described early on didn’t fit their later actions.

Now, I just can’t wrap my head around the weight thing. No man at 5’9” 185 is considered, or even looks fat. Unless his legs make up 2/3 of his size!! Somebody has been completely fooled by BMI (body mass index). That thing is as faulty as the food pyramids of the last 30 or so years. At 6’ exactly and 208, I’m doing pretty well for an old guy, with a little pooch in the gut due to lifelong poor posture. My BMI is 188. I’d look like an Ethiopian if I ever got down to that weight, even turning fat to muscle!!

Anyway, gave it a deserving 4* the premise was good, as was the writing. It just needed a bit of tightening up before hitting ‘submit’

Sorry, didn’t log in

Cookingwithgas

WTF! When Nellie said that she would have chosen T, I would have given her some money to get home and left the bitch! No fucking way I would have stayed.

naaahhh even his new bitch wanted thane over him and he just took that complete disrespect and had sex with her.. nahh someone needs to edit that he kicks her out the motorhome when she does that its total disrespect to say that she would also choose the man that stole his previous wife no man alive would accept that for one second and for that alone 1*

I keep waiting for your writing to get better, it just gets worse.

Della's upset that Perry didn't get himself into shape while they were together, but what did she do to help him, besides putting him down? She never even bothered to look into his "little internet trading." I assume when she checked their accounts she saw that he didn't pull any fast ones there, so she never wondered where he got the money for the van and to travel while not having a regular job?

Mostly good and well constructed. However, if I were the father the immediate reaction of the kids would’ve disappointed me greatly. I feel like that element was glossed over and not treated with the emotional hurt it deserved.

I demand the old demander. This was … weak.

Captcha

Would have liked some confrontation between Perry and Della a few weeks after her return from trip. Seemed to be a void there.

She had to be told what she’d given up.

Entirely too much narrative with only sporadic dialogue. It came across more as an outline to a story rather than what I know you're capable of. Underlying plot was still solid - 3.8*

The moment Nellie said she’d prefer Thane to Perry, the story went to pure shit. Perry should have left her right there. 1*

Paid the coal toll. 4 stars!

You lost me with the shooting. It came of as a deus ex machina so you couldn't be bothered to put any real effort into the ending. It was contrived and phony.

3 stars - for a standard 'divorce the silly slut' story.

Not much to like about any of the characters and the dialog sucked.

Whackdoodle, when hiding is the same as saving, sheeee might have a spending problemmmm

Why write this? Is this an assignment for an outline for a story?

See Dick run.

Run Dick, run.

See Jane ride her bike

Ride Jane, ride.

Mu God. Put some emotion into your writing! I fell asleep twice before abandoning it for the comments.

Loved it, another great story by you. I especially liked he did not want to be friends with the ex. So many authors here force that friendship way too much.

I never stayed friends with my cheating ex, l never spoke to her again, happily.

“Now she’s just somebody that l used to know”

Scores 5/5

So what if the shoe was on the other foot and she had become overweight and let herself go while Perry stayed in shape and was at the top of his game. No decent person would say he was right to cuck queen her. She's trash, pure and simple. Only sad Thane didn't suffer more.

Perry looked at her. He said, "You like the guy?"

"I don't know him. But I can definitely see what Della sees in him."

"So, if he came after you, you'd go with him?"

"No, silly. I'd end up without you, and it's you I want."

But suppose you didn't know either of us, and you could have a one-nighter with one of us. Which one?"

Nellie looked away, and then said, "Him. We said we'd be honest with each other. So....him."

"Why? I mean, he's famous and all. I'm not."

Nellie said, "He's hot. He's big and he has a huge....reputation. We should change the subject."

So he accepts this... garbage.

Didn't like it. Didn't hate it. Three stars.

Might have been a stronger story without the rap mogul / ex NBA stick. That shit is worn the fuck out, and actually irrelevant. The new dick isn't hubby's and that is all that really matters.

What Nellie said about Thane, if she didn't know either of them, well, that should have been the off ramp for that relationship. Now Perry would be left with suspicion and that would seep into the foundation of their relationship and kill it. Do tell if he quietly had the DNA of the two new babies tested to see if they were a match.

I hate the cliche big black clown takes the idiot white wife stories. But since Latrell came to such a fitting end I gave you your usual high score. The only low point in the ending is that Della survived.

Didn’t like it much, the February Sucks theme is pretty well done to death, time to move on and get back to your high standards of the past.

Eileen earned a no contact as did Nellie right after she met Thane. MC is way too patient.

Agree with Moonbat

An odd story

This had a little too much ugliness that was attempting to masquerade as universal truth.

Portraying all women in Perry's life as uniformly under the spell of Thane's wang was pretty disgusting.

Not all women resemble mindless bimbos like Linda from February.

There are actually a lot of women who aren't like that in the least though admittedly there are also many who are.

Having Perry's daughter and girlfriend both have the exact same reaction to Thane was a real low point for this story.

I really like this author but this story was blah at best. Writing is good but the story, not so much. There isn’t one character I like. His ex wants Thane, his new wife wants Thane, his daughter wants Thane. Not your best story though again, I like your writing.

Liked it though a lot seems to be missing that could have built more emotion in this well worn tale.

This was simply terrible. Just someone reciting facts about characters who lacked any personality or emotions. One star is being generous.

Well written and realistic in the end tghe slut was left with the life she deserved and the victim had a happy family life

An enjoyable tale. I liked the long view.

Didn't make sense to me:

1) When he lost his job why didn't the couple go immediately into planning and recovery mode? I thought they were a partnership? At that point its obvious the marriage is weak, their respect for each other is lacking, and they just aren't very intelligent.

\

2) So even if they didn't discuss his day trading idea when it started, why didn't they discuss how it was going, what was involved, what were the risks, what resources were needed? Again, these people are married on Paper only; there is no joint effort or energy indicated. And when it becomes successful he doesn't tell her and she doesn't ask?

\

3) So by the time the story opens with the wife's contempt, disrespect, and complete lack of loyalty, ethics, or moral principles, the failure of the marriage is already evident and a forgone conclusion. There is no tension, no drama, just a sad ugly slow death scene. Its obvious that not only do these people no longer care about each other, its makes you wonder if they ever did; why did they ever get married? They are both much better off without each other.

4) Then the whole Rap Star schtick was just contrived and lazy, especially the shooting. Why would a celebrity that charming and appealing be wasting his money, time, and dick on some old married broad. Yeah, you typed the words indicating what an Incredible fuck she is; a waste of electrons. The most important sex organ is the brain. Both the rap star and the whore are shallow, cheap, deceitful, selfish, and arrogant: not much brain power there. So for them the sex is mostly physical, not intellectual, and if you think some middle aged white woman can compete with the young vivacious athletic limber succulent enthusiastic fuck bunnies this Rap Star is surrounded by then your story is just that much more contrived and unbelievable. Not even a cartoonist is that preposterous. And eliminating the rap star with a gun was just lazy, and maybe racist.

\

So if the wife hadn't started fucking the rap star the husband would have remained fat and lazy? But in response to her becoming a whore he becomes responsible and healthy? You see how weird that plot idea is? These people are toxic toward each other, but happier and successful apart. So why is Anyone sad that they have found paths to greater happiness and success, just in opposite directions?

\

So the whore ends up a poor sad lonely regretful cripple, and the husband ends up with a better woman, a better marriage, and probably better children. OK. The end.

I've read much better by you. This felt very mechanical and scripted. I look forward to you're next story. 2*

Very good story! well written!

5 stars from here!

A nicely written story with a slightly different plot. There wasn't much dialogue either internal or external, and there wasn't much conflict after her decision to have a sexaholoday. I liked the story but the ending seemed inevitable. and as usual, the loving wife ended up suffering.

Not one of your strongest stories. I couldn't ever write as well as you, bit I'll just say the story did not break any fresh ground.

Here's something I'd like to see. An LW story grappling with the idea in the famous Shakespeare sonnet: "...love is not love which alters when alteration it finds..." So, the guy is overwhelmed by career, parenthood, community service, and also being a husband, lets his fitness and appearance go, still gets undesired attention left and right, fears he's losing his wife, she's wavering... there's a villain of course.... What will happen?

@anonynous below with the multi-paragraph critique, since you know so much, why don’t you write a story smarty pants? What? Did you expect the raper to die rescuing a child from a house fire? Don’t think so. It’s not racist to offer a narrative for which there is abundant actual real life precedent. YOU may not like it— that is it might offend your itty bitty sensitivities, but that doesn’t make it racist. Give it a rest dude.

Harsh

Loving wife suffers when her cuckold and sex plans didn't work out.

Perry was written to start weak but he was less insecure and codependent than some of the so called strong characters you have written into some of your stories.

By not putting up with her scheming and ending back with her after a period of angst.

3 stars for a standard BTB story - nothing new or unique.

No real winners in this story.

Lots of unhappiness and wounded people. It was interesting, but all self-inflicted.

Weak ending.

Elmore Leonard, "When you read it and it sounds like writing, re-write it." That's good advice

It wasn't BTB. They got shot that had nothing to do with the previous events between the characters.

What is the point of this story? Not your best effort...

Self destruction

cold and unfeeling. 3 stars

Perry was average but he had the backbone to demand more than a woman like her.

Pretty good story, I can see why Perry wouldn't want to have anything to do with the rap daddy or his faithless ex wife. He had a set of standards and lived by them. The only thing I had a bit of a problem with was he stayed with Nellie after she confessed a preference for the ex baller. That was supposed to be honest but her even mentioning it and then admitting that Perry wouldn't be her choice was very disrespectful on her part especially in light of what his first wife had done. The fact that all of the women in the story were cock crazy over the baller was something that would have caused Perry to back off from all of them a little. Good read overall and good that you let him stick to his guns.

Excellent writing.

Good story and well written, but it seemed emotionless.

3 stars - just because he divorced the SLUT.

However, their little discussion about Thane certainly strained the credibility of their relationship.

There was very little drama, anger, yelling - pretty emotionless.

Hopefully, your next story is better.

Awful writing. No talent at all.

2 starrs

It was a bit off to me, you’re style isn’t great, but nor is mine, a bit to much like an old power point presentation.