Letter from Reno

Dear Shoeblossom,

I have this tape of a conversation I had with my glorious Domme just before I married her...I am studying for my Master’s in Social Work while working in a casino, and Nohl just does so much to take the pressure off! Best,

Adiemus Szobak, or Dee-Dee.

“What’s wrong, Adiemus, do your titties still hurt?”

“Oh, please, Nohl, don’t call men’s nipples ti--”

“You are so caught up in your sexist bullshit, Adiemus. You get mad when I accuse you of whining or bitching, you say you’re not a gossip but a so-called raconteur, Jesus.”

“I am a man, though, Nohl!”

“You’re a male of sorts, I guess. What’s a seven letter word for whiner?”

“Crybaby, probably. But you were so excessive--”

“I shouldn’t be surprised that you know that.”

“It-it was difficult enough when you pierced my nipples and put hooped earrings in then, but then you--”

“Yes, I threaded a wire through them, and hung it up like a clothesline in the back yard. I think it was great. So good for your posture.”

“What?”

“Well, you either had pressure on your nipples if you let your heels go down to the ground, or pain in your arches to relieve the sting in the nipples.”

“Three HOURS, though?”

“Sure...your hands manacled behind your back, and look how you learned all those great contortions. And, you weren’t pressuring me to make love.”

“Yes, that.”

“Remember what they taught you in the seminary, do not squander your seed.”

“Uh, but I’m not in seminary anymore.”

“But what about my pearl without price?”

“You lost that a while ago, Nohl. You were fucking a guy in front of me, in my backyard!”

“While you were trying not to have your precious nips, those titties ripped off by the wire.”

“It’s just so painful. They are so sensitive.”

“Right. Five letter words for Tricky Dick’s stenographer?”

“Rose Mary Woods W-o-o-d-s.”

“See, you are of some use. Besides being a servile bitch-boy.”

“You were so nice when I met you in Italy, on the Via Condotti, Nohl.”

“Well, yes. Two expatriates with a metal enchantment. And you ate pussy with a stridence.”

“And you understood when I asked you to cane me.”

“All that Catholic guilt, of course. Or maybe it was my spiky blonde hair, and my cruel eyebrows. I’ve gotten that from more than one Brigitte Nielsen aficionado.”

“It was mean when your boyfriend burst in on us that day--”

“Gianni was calmer after I got you to suck his dick, though, dear.”

“Oh God, don’t remind me of it.”

“Well, separating you from that ridiculous seminary was some work, and I had to work within your kink, right babe?”

“It was a glorious tour, Nohl.”

“Yes. Raping you with the strap-on in San Marcos square, having you scream in the dungeon in Istanbul, tying you naked to the stern of the boat in Corfu like they did to what’s his face in the Iliad, so he’d be able to resist the Sirens--”

“You would understand that, wouldn’t you, Nohl?”

“I just love you, and although I am aroused when you mistreat me sometimes--”

“You are a true pain slut. Four letter word for objective?”

“Goal. G-o-a-l. But you are the one, and I honor you--”

“And you asked me to marry you, and here we are, in exotic Nevada.”

“I went from being a future priest to being a craps dealer, just for you, Nohl.”

“And I am so impressed with that, Dee-Dee.”

“Oh, please don’t shorten my name that way.”

“Why? Tonight I’m going to shave your body, and put some foundation and lipstick on you and we are going CLUBBING, girl.”

“Oh, please don’t--”

“And I hope I don’t have to beat the shit out of you to get you to blow your date, remember how you were all weird for poor Branford in the back seat, and I dragged you out and banged your head on the hood of the car--”

“That was awful.”

“No it wasn’t. Bran is such a good guy. He keeps asking Dylan why you won’t fuck him and of course you have to keep your dress on, Dee-Dee.”

“Oh please--”

“Aaw. Is Dee-Dee crying? You don’t enjoy having to suffer what women from time immemorial have had to go through, using your mouth to satisfy your date so--”

“I-I just--”

“Sweetheart, you are hung like a macaroni. So I don’t want to fuck you. But I don’t want you diddling yourself, and that’s why I have you in that nasty little tube.”

“Oh, I hate the tube.”

“You bought it for me to use on you at the Piazza. Five letter for “short time?”

“Brief. B-R-I-E-F. I had some chastity fantasies, but it’s too long being locked up.”

“Yeah, yeah, whine. Four letter word for ‘Duplicate’?”

“Copy. C-O-P-Y. It’s so frustrating. I so need to cum.”

“Yes, that’s right. Unlike your hypocrisy in the seminary, where you pretended to be chaste while blowing other seminarians and fucking idiot girls in the clubs at night, you are truly, truly chaste now.”

“I need penetration, Nohl!”

“You’re going to get it tonight. I told Dylan to tell Branford that you will take it up the ass for him!”

“I-but--”

“Don’t argue with me, or I’ll get the wooden spoon. Hey, what’s a three letter word for garbage?”

“Orts. I really don’t want to be sodomized.”

“Orts? Was that a real word?”

“Yes, it’s an obscure crossword puzzle word.”

“You know everything, Dee-Dee.”

“Oh, not so much, I had a classical education.”

“Yes you do! I told you I was a feminist, but I’d never heard of Simone De Beauvoir or Susan B. Anthony, and you, like, memorized their speeches.”

“You liked Simone’s favorite saying when I told it to you.”

“Right! ‘When a woman behaves like a human being, she is accused of trying to be a man.”

“Yes. Do you think if I let Branford butt-fuck me, you might let me make love to you later?”

“But see, I am teaching YOU to be the old fashioned girl, before #Metoo, when she had no real choices. This is a gift, Dee-Dee.”

“I hate gifts like that.”

“You’ll get used to it. Nine letter word for money-grubber?”

“Mercenary. So we can’t have any love-making?”

“I don’t make deals, or even promises. I want you to learn to be a true woman, to have an experience that will truly change you, Dee-Dee. Maybe, possibly we will make love, or at least we will on our honeymoon.”

“R-really?”

“That’s a good deal. If you can stay chaste till our June wedding, completely, I’ll let you fuck me.”

“B-but it’s only November.”

“Life’s a bitch. Eleven letters to describe people pleasing?”

“Conciliatory. C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-O-R-Y.”

“Don’t cry, Dee-Dee. You need those pipes for your moaning tonight with hot Branford.”

“God I wish I could masturbate right now.”

“That’s right, last week I needed a word for masturbation and you said Onerize?”

“No, Onanize. O-N-A-N-I-Z-E.”