All Comments on 'Lilly - Character Introduction'

Writing in second person can be used effectively in non-fiction. It rarely works in fiction as one has to concentrate too hard on who was doing and saying what. Unfortunately your story is not the exception to this 'rule'.

Using second person made the story too mechanical. Romance is about feelings between two people, not about they engaged in physical sex. If you were developing a character for Lilly it was difficult to discern-- she was like any other woman having sex with a man. We don't get a sense of who she is other than the brief physical description you provide at the beginning.

Is this story meant to be the first in a series? You leave the reader wondering. Perhaps a title suggeting this was chapter one would have been better.