Lily in Bloom

The group was planning a "Queer Homecoming" dance, but nobody could agree on theme (or if there should even be a theme), venue or even a name for the event. Most of the people there seemed to know one another fairly well and they joked good-naturedly with one another even as they argued.

They were also planning a fundraiser, which was at an even earlier stage of planning. This too had many points of contention.

Ryan had been a part of the National Honor Society in high school and their meetings had mostly gone the same way--a lot talking with very little actually accomplished. So, it was interesting to note that organizational bureaucracy did not discriminate.

When the formal portion of the meeting ended and everybody broke out into small groups to socialize was when Ryan saw his opportunity. But how to ask? And who?

Luckily, he was approached by the president himself.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," he said, extending his hand for a handshake. "I'm Zach."

"Ryan," he said, in introduction. "And you're right--I haven't been here before."

"Well, you're welcome any time. If you have any questions about anything, you can ask me, or any of the other officers."

"Actually, I did have a question..." Ryan began, trailing off. "Actually, more like a request for advice."

"Oh, sure, sure," Zach replied. He then shouted across the room, waving some people over: "Ash, Liam, Steph, come on over here!"

"There's no need to get everybody--" Ryan began, but was then cut off.

"You know how it is--ask five queer people for their opinion on something, get six different responses. Might as well get a well-rounded perspective."

The people Zach had called over made their way to the back of the room.

"What's up, Zach?" asked a cute young woman with short blonde hair and lots of makeup.

"Just wanted your opinion on something," Zach replied.

"Opinion on what?" a more stereotypically "butch" looking woman asked.

Zach simply waved his hand at Ryan, as if giving him the floor. The attention of all four of them was suddenly upon him, making him immediately nervous. Nevertheless, he might as well do what he had come to do.

"So, there's this girl I met in one of my classes..." Ryan began.

"If she says she's gay, you're not gonna be able to 'convince' her otherwise," the butch-looking woman stated dismissively.

Ryan chuckled nervously and a few of the others smiled as well.

"No, it's not like that. She's straight. Or, I think she is. That wasn't the issue."

The small group stood staring expectantly at Ryan as he fumbled through his explanation.

"I mean, I asked her out and she said 'yes'. But then she told me--in confidence, but I think it's okay to tell you all, because I'm not saying who she is--that she's trans."

"So, what's the issue?" a skinny man with faded green-dyed hair asked.

"The issue is that he's afraid of being gay because he's into a trans woman," the femme-looking woman answered.

"No, no, no," Ryan said, holding his hands up defensively. "I'm not afraid of anything. I don't have anything against being gay. I'm just kind of... I don't know. Confused. I like her. She's really smart and cute. But... I don't know if I could be okay with having a sexual relationship with, well, a penis."

The butch-looking woman extended an arm toward him, hand balled in a fist. At first, Ryan thought she meant to hit him, but he quickly caught her meaning. He extended his own clenched hand and met hers in a cautious fist bump.

"Ash!" the femme-looking woman chastised.

"What?" she replied defensively. "Dicks are gross. I dated some really feminine-looking boys in my past, before I came to terms with being a lesbian. I didn't like dicks. It's okay for me to feel that way, right?"

The group took a collective sigh of contemplation.

"How do you even know she has a penis?" Zach asked. "You can't assume the surgery status of a given trans person."

"She told me," Ryan replied. "Well, more or less. She said she had been on hormones, but hadn't had any surgeries."

"So, are you more afraid of saying 'yes' and having to deal with a woman who has a penis, or are you more afraid of saying 'no' and missing out on a relationship with a woman who you really like?" Zach asked.

"I don't know!" Ryan answered in exasperation. "It's a lot to think about. I don't know how I feel. That's why I came here. I hoped you all could give me some sort of advice that would help me."

"We can't tell you what to do," the green-haired guy said. "At the end of the day, it's gonna be all on you."

"Can I butt in for a second?" a new voice to the conversation asked. The question came from a... well, a *person*, who was seated not far from the group. Obviously masculine facial features were paired with makeup and lipstick. A trans woman? Ryan tried to not speculate.

"Oh, Marissa, perfect!" Zach said with a smile. "You're just what we needed to complete this triumvirate of queers."

"Technically, a triumvirate is a group of three," Ash corrected him.

"So, what, the 'High Council of Queers'?" Zach asked.

"Yeah, that works," Ash said with a smile.

"Regardless, please, tell us your thoughts, Marissa," Zach concluded.

Marissa cleared her throat softly and sat, facing Ryan, speaking directly to him rather than to the group as a whole.

"The thing to remember about trans women is that they think of themselves as, well, *women*. Beyond that, every trans woman is different, so it's hard to make generalizations. But most of them probably don't want to use their penis on you in the way you might be thinking."

Ryan swallowed hard at this. She continued, as if she had read his mind on the subject.

"Porn between cis-gendered, heterosexual people is, of course, a warped version of reality. And any porn with trans women (or trans men) is just as, if not more, distorted."

Ryan nodded as she continued. He hadn't thought of things in that way, but it made sense.

"If she's been on hormones for a while--long enough to pass as female to you--her genitals are probably pretty feminized too. Thinking of 'penises' and 'vaginas' as binary classifications isn't quite right. She has a penis, yes, but you should think of it as a 'feminine penis'. It's not the same.

"And finally, you should realize that there is no harm in trying things with her and there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about it later. Lots of cis-gendered couples have issues with sexual compatibility, so it's okay if that becomes an issue, down the line."

She finished, leaving the group in stunned silence.

"Daaaamn, fuckin mic drop from Marissa," Zach exclaimed, eliciting an embarrassed smile from Marissa and chuckles from the others.

"Wow, I think that's... pretty much exactly what I needed to hear," Ryan said appreciatively.

"I'm glad I could help," Marissa replied with a self-satisfied smile. "And, whatever happens, just be sure to be nice to her about it. It's real hard to put yourself out there, as a trans person. She put a lot of trust in you, telling you all this, so she must like you. So, try to not be an asshole."

Ryan's brain focused on: "she must like you". He hoped that this was true...

***

After class on Friday, Lily and Ryan met up and walked, wordlessly, toward the coffee shop. As soon as they were far enough away from the mass of people exiting the classroom, Ryan broke the silence.

"Date!" he declared with the mock formality of a judge delivering a sentence.

Lily smiled at his goofy delivery and a warmth spread throughout Ryan. That smile...

"Really?" she asked, still smiling.

"Yes," Ryan said, nodding. "I mean, you have to understand that all of this is new to me--I might change my mind, in the future."

"Oh, of course, of course," Lily replied. "I wasn't trying to lock you immediately into marriage or anything. I just wanted to be up front with things."

"I know. And I really appreciate it."

"So, tomorrow at 7?"

"Actually, make it 6:30, so we can get a good spot."

"Okay, that makes sense. I, uh, I don't actually know where Reese Hall is though."

"It's off in that direction," Ryan said, pointing and feeling stupid for not knowing the cardinal directions on the campus. "Hey, do you want to meet me in the quad and we'll walk over there together?"

"Works for me," Lily replied.

At that point, they had arrived at the coffee shop, but had pretty much wrapped up the conversation.

"I, uh, was actually headed that way for my next class," Lily said, embarrassed, as she pointed in the opposite direction.

"Aha, okay," Ryan said with a laugh. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yeah, it's a DATE," she replied teasingly.

***

Ryan wasn't sure what to wear for the date--he didn't want to wear just a t-shirt or a hoodie, like he usually wore. But he also recognized that this was just an outdoor movie--nothing formal. Eventually, he settled on wearing jeans and a blue knitted sweater.

He was relieved when Lily showed up, wearing much the same kind of thing that she typically wore: a mid-length yellow plaid dress worn over a long-sleeved black shirt and black stockings. The outfit didn't reveal a whole lot, but those stockings really accentuated her long, smooth legs.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to bring anything," she said apologetically as she got within earshot.

It took Ryan a second to understand what she meant--she must have been referring to the blanket that he had over his shoulder.

"Oh, no, you didn't need to bring anything. I figured this is big enough for both of us. Seating's just on the lawn, and it might be a little muddy."

"Oh, no, you're going to put this on the ground?" she asked, shocked, as she came closer and inspected the quilt. "This looks handmade..."

"Yeah, my grandma made it for me," Ryan replied somewhat embarrassed. "Kind of a 'going-off-to-college' present. But it hasn't been cold enough yet to really need it in bed--so, it's clean."

"It's beautiful," Lily remarked, running the fabric through her fingers. "Your grandmother must be very talented."

Ryan chuckled, still embarrassed.

"Yeah, she's made quite a lot of quilts in her time. Do you know much about quilting?"

"Kind of. I've never made one myself, but I do sew a lot of other things."

"Oh, really?" Ryan asked, impressed.

"I made this dress myself," she said, bending at the knee and then doing a quick twirl around.

"Wow," Ryan exclaimed, in appreciation of both her handiwork and her lithe body.

"My aunt owns a fabric and art supplies store," she explained. "I'm very close to her, and my cousin. So, I grew up around sewing. I've been making clothes and stuff since I was in middle school. Most of my dresses, I made myself. Never a quilt though--that's a whole other level of skill."

"Really?" Ryan asked. He had always assumed that a quilt was just a big square of fabric with a thin layer of fluff inside.

They walked toward Reese Hall together as Lily explained quilting to him. He would never have guessed that this could be even a mildly interesting topic of conversion. But the way she went on about it, Ryan was intrigued. She was clearly passionate about it. Because her demeanor was usually relatively flat, almost serious-looking, seeing her so animated about something brought a smile to his face.

When they got to the lawn, Ryan felt guilty about spreading the quilt, for which he had a newfound appreciation, on the grass. Lily spotted an area, kind of off to the side, on a sidewalk. It wasn't the best view, but it wasn't bad. They folded the blanket a few times and spread it on the cement.

They talked a bit more about sewing and Ryan admitted, embarrassed, that his own hobbies (video games and reading sci-fi/fantasy novels) weren't nearly as impressive. Their conversation was cut short as the movie began. It was a little difficult to hear, because of their position, but they had both seen the movie before, so it wasn't a big deal. Ryan was pleased to learn that Lily wasn't a movie-talker, and they enjoyed the film in relative quiet, laughing together at both the punchlines and the awkwardly dated special effects.

As the movie went on, the sun finished setting and the autumn night began to get a bit chilly. Without saying anything, Lily scooted closer to him, her thigh pressed against his thigh, her shoulder against his. Having never been this close with a girl before, Ryan was thoroughly distracted from the movie. He agonized for minutes over whether or not to attempt wrapping his arm around her. She made the first move and grabbed his hand, clasping it within her own, positioning them both at the place where their thighs met.

Her hand was cold, but soft, and her thigh was warm. Ryan's heart beat faster as she squeezed his hand softly. She eventually leaned in further, resting her head lightly against his shoulder, strands of her long hair draping across his chest.

Far too quickly, the movie was over and students across the area began to pack up and disperse. Lily released his hand and gave his thigh an approving pat. They stood, stretched, and Ryan carefully shouldered the quilt.

"Can I walk you to your dorm?" Ryan asked, hopeful of being able to spend a little more time with her that evening.

"I actually live off-campus," she replied. "But you can walk me to my car."

"Oh, sure," Ryan said, somewhat confused, as the two began walking toward the main campus parking lot. "I thought freshmen had to live on campus?"

He immediately regretted his question. It had sounded somewhat accusatory, although he hadn't intended it to.

"They do," Lily replied, unperturbed. "Normally. They gave me a special waiver of the requirement because of... well, I guess we all agreed that it would be easier for me to live off campus than deal with all the issues that might come up from communal living."

"Ah," Ryan sighed in understanding. The whole evening, he had thought only of her long stocking-clad legs, her warm thigh, her soft hair... He had forgotten completely about... the other things. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up..."

"It's okay," she said, cutting him off. "I like having my privacy anyway."

They walked for a while in silence.

"It costs a bit more than a dorm room," she continued. "But my parents help me out. And I work. So, I'm busy, but I feel like it's worth it."

"Oh, where do you work?" Ryan asked. As they continued to walk, Lily brought herself closer to him, extending her hand, which Ryan gladly clasped.

"Remember the aunt with the crafts store?"

Ryan nodded.

"Well, she's great at running the business, in a lot of ways, but she's terrible with numbers. I handle her accounting, payroll, and taxes. It's boring, but it's flexible. And I can handle it all remotely--I manage most of it on nights and weekends."

Ryan was impressed. Lily was turning out to be a woman of many talents.

"A lot more interesting than my job," he admitted. "I wash dishes at the student dining center. It's nice that it's on campus, but it means I'm busy most nights, during the after-dinner hours. Especially on weekends"

"But not tonight?" Lily asked.

"I switched shifts with a coworker," he explained. "I had a hot date planned," he added, with a wink.

Lily smiled and squeezed his hand affectionately.

"Hey, give me your phone," Lily requested. "So I can put my number in it."

Realizing that they hadn't exchanged numbers yet, Ryan unlocked his phone, opened his contact list, and handed it to Lily. Still holding his hand, she typed in the information as they walked. Shortly, she gave it back to him. She had texted herself a kissing face emoji.

Ryan realized that they were now at the edge of the parking lot.

"Come here if you want a real one," she said teasingly.

Nervous but trying not to show it, Ryan stepped closer to her as he pocketed his phone. Lily rested her hands gently on his chest as she tilted her head up to give him a quick peck on the lips.

She stepped back, but paused.

"One more," she declared.

Happy to oblige, Ryan allowed her to once more step up to him. This time, he wrapped one arm around her waist as their lips met in a longer, more passionate kiss.

She once more broke away.

"Text me, okay?" she asked with a wave, retreating into the parking lot.

"Yeah, will do," Ryan replied, waving back.

***

Later that night, before he went to bed, Ryan took a hot shower. Being a Saturday night, the large communal bathroom was empty, save for him. He proceeded to do what he always did during late night showers.

It didn't take long for him to get hard--the memory of Lily's soft lips against his own was still fresh in his mind. The way she rested her hands on his chest had felt so gentle, so comforting. His arm around her waist had made him feel so strong, so confident.

He imagined what her lower back and hips would feel like, without the interference of clothing. Soft and warm, of course. Her stomach, flat and smooth.

But then...

Her penis.

He had almost forgotten about it. How could someone so irresistibly feminine, have male genitalia? He thought about what Marissa had said about a "feminine penis". All he could picture was a big, hard, hairy cock--inherently and irrefutably male.

His own erection began to subside. Something else Marissa had said came to mind: "lots of cis-gendered couples have issues with sexual compatibility". Was their relationship doomed from the start? He certainly liked a lot more about her than just her body--her intelligence, her passion for her hobbies, the way she made him feel just so damn good, just by being around.

He gave up on masturbation. But he wasn't going to give up on Lily. He wanted to see this through, as far as he could take it. Whatever that actually meant, he had no idea.

***

The next day, in the late morning, Lily sent Ryan a text message.

[I know there are some dumb rules about waiting to text after a date, but I don't care. I just wanted to tell you that I had a great time with you last night]

Ryan smiled to himself. He had been fighting the urge to send her a similar message all morning, but had been held back by the same social conventions she had just flaunted.

[I did too! ngl, those dumb rules have kept me from texting you up until now]

Ryan smiled at her reply

[Hey, this is me holding back. I wanted to text you last night]

Shortly thereafter, another message from her came through:

[So, when can I see you again? Class on Monday doesn't count]

Answering this question proved tricky, they came to realize as they exchanged messages throughout the morning. Ryan worked dinner shifts at the cafeteria every night the coming week, except for Thursday. And, as it turned out, Lily was busy Thursday with a monthly video call with her aunt.

They settled on meeting up for post-dinner dessert downtown, after Ryan got off work on Friday. Ryan didn't have a car, and Lily offered to drive him, but downtown was only a short walk from the edge of campus and he insisted that he could easily meet her there.

After their initial flurry of messages setting up the date, Lily was oddly quiet. She had explained this herself, somewhat apologetically, on Tuesday, telling him that she really enjoyed talking to him in person and would rather save her thoughts for their date. Ryan was more than okay with this--he had never been much of a texter.

While not particularly elaborate, their second date was great. It was unseasonably warm and they got ice cream cones from a local parlor downtown. They spent the entire evening walking and talking as they made their way back and forth along the linear stretch of the college town's downtown area. They held hands as they walked, a pleasure that was still new to Ryan, and it still made his heart race.

Maybe it was the warmth of the evening, or maybe it was because she was trying to make herself more conventionally alluring, but for this meeting she wore a sleeveless white and green checkered dress, with no shirt underneath. The neckline was still very conservative, and she still wore block stockings and flats, but it was nice to see more of her pale, smooth skin. He could only assume that she had made this dress herself and he continued to be impressed by her skill.