Linc 02

Linc 02

"Lilly, I can't tell what it means to me to get an invite to a normal people's party, so, thank you so much for that, Lilly."

"Well, Linc, I never heard of an official "cigar lighter" attendant before and I was afraid that I might have been missing out on something. And thank you for not wearing your PJ bottoms. Anyways, do you have everything you need as the official "cigar lighter" attendant for my mixer, hmm?"

"Check, three butane lighters in each rear pocket, two lighters in my front pocket with one tube of lip gloss to balance things out and one in my hand [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], all in various translucent colors, check! Well, except the lip gloss, so."

"(Giggles) and flame red cheeks to match your cigar lighting flame, I see because what man doesn't want his fat cigar lit while staring back at so much red, tee he, so?"

"Oh, Lilly, butane burns more in the yellow spectrum up top with a blue flame under and I know that because I know everything there is to know about fire and because I have lighters to verify that and trust me [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], Lilly, I'm ready to violate every fire safety code on the books! All outside in the backyard with the men, of course, so?"

"Hmm, outside with the men, huh? Well, whatever, Linc, since you're here and all, just keep the flames under wraps (this is going to be a bad idea), but listen, I see that you subscribe to how people shouldn't show up at a mixer without something in their hands, so, what's in the bags, hmm?"

[Holds up an ordinary plastic bag]

"Well, Lilly, I mean, I stopped by the Deli and Mildred made these twelve extra hamburger patties because I think that the men eat a lot and they are fresh and..."

"Hmm, again with the men being satisfied, but go on, Linc, so?"

"I mean, in this medium sized trinket bag are two, count them two, double fizz, double foam and double jolt root beers for me because..."

"Uh-huh, because you're a little double jolt, Linc, but keep going, so?"

"Oh, before I reveal what's in the small, small trinket gift bag, Lilly, I mean, this is my first real people party, so I'm confused about some of the exact timing of things because..."

"Linc, there is no "exact" timing of things at a regular mixer. When people want a beverage, they get a beverage and when the burgers are done, well, that's when they eat the burgers, um, not to sound negative or anything since this is your first real (giggles) peoples party and all, so, ahem, go on."

"Oh, I guess I'll gloss over how at precisely 9:01pm that my phone will automatically order five Greek Salads from the Pizza Shop, um, since this is my first real people's party, Lilly, what time do I ask for permission or beg for forgiveness for when after the burgers have been eaten and after the cigars have been puffed, um, when do I ask or beg because I'm casually slip plugging the memory stick that is in this smallest gift bag, which contains a copy of "Gemma, Guardian of the Garden Gates" into the console system and I was thinking about 9:24pm, so?"

[Checks phone clock, yikes, 8:29pm]

"Hmm, I guess that you really do take of care the men then, Linc. Anyways, neither ask nor beg because us girls know that our boyfriends watch naughty anime behind our backs and it seems to work if we don't talk about it, so, neither ask nor beg, just do. And Gemma is the one who guards the garden gates of the village in a battle leotard uniform, right, Linc?"

"Well, it's kind of a rule in naughty anime, Lilly, so?"

"Of course, it is, Linc, LOL. Anyways, um, good talk, right?"

"Good talk, Lilly, um, so, good talk."

Hey, I was just making sure the party host had a little timely information, that's all.

[Checks phone clock, 8:32pm]

"Oh, and Linc, I mean, can you make that perfectly timed salad order with a couple of Caesar Salads too? And maybe adjust the time to about 8:53pm instead of 9:01pm, hmm?"

[Checks phone clock, yikes, 8:33pm, tap, tap, tap, order adjusted just in time]

"Brad [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], did you need a light for that cigar you're fiddling with? Because I'm the official cigar lighting attendant."

[Men always fiddle with the cigars first. And watch naughty anime behind the girlfriend's backs]

"[Inhale puffs, inhale puffs] I see your bright cheeks tonight, Linc. And my girlfriend always, always, always gives me a free pass at 8:51pm, especially if there is a laundry room available [puff, puff], so?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] and I'll just ignore that, Brad since I'm sure you wouldn't want me to fact check that with Gail. Anyways (asshole), give your sister, Linda, my congrats for her growing house cleaning business because I've noticed a drop in her ads on Chang Market Place and that must mean that she has a solid client base now [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], right Brad?"

"[Puff, puff] or, or, or, my sister has to slack back with her business because she picked up a job at the Baxter's place and ended up preggo by Scott! After the first day."

Well, from the last chapter, that tracks.

"Well [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], that sucks. Or tracks, but your cousin, Millie, who worked with Linda sometimes..."

"Preggo! By Scott! The next day after some Thursday night seasoned Short Ribs cookout feud!"

"Well [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], that sucks, again. Or tracks again, but your Auntie Reye who started the house cleaning business because..."

"Preggo! By Scott. When she had to replenish some cleaning supplies."

Um, I think that's (counts in head, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, yep 7) seven preggo women strong for that guy Scott and I've only talked to a couple of people! Sheesh.

[Checks phone clock, 8:36pm]

"Well [flick, spark, flame], I'll only take that as half of a snide remark then, Peter, since we're at Lilly's backyard burger cookout party, but I'll keep it at a half and place the tie in my favor, so?"

"[Inhale puffs, inhale puffs] what did I say, Linc? All I said was that you look just as good in Denim shorts as you do in your infamous thin PJ bottoms, especially when leaning forward to light everyone's cigars [puff, puff], so?"

"Yeah, but you left out my extra red cheeks, Peter and it all counts and since this is my first real party and I need the attention! Well, when I say attention, I mean, well, you know because..."

"Damn it! Who has a butane lighter because the grill flame blew out and I can't cook burgers without the blue flame, anybody?"

[Trotting in Denim shorts works better than trotting in thin PJ bottoms that break below the heel]

"Walter [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], the official "cigar lighter" attendant reporting for duty, sir [salutes]. I have an assortment of lighter colors, Walter, from pinkish to turquoise, all ready to flick! And the solid red one, like my face cheeks, is dead center of my other left cheek, sir!"

LOL, straight8 guys, right? They redefine the phrase a "skewed up face" every single time! Or is it a screwed-up face? Either way, Walter managed to relight the grill. After he checked out all six colors of the butane lighters that my back pockets held, especially since he managed to grab the solid red on first.

"I'm solo tonight, Linc and all these burgers will be finished and eaten by 9:12pm and I'm just saying it, I could go Games of Bones style with you in the laundry room, so?"

[Checks phone clock, yikes, 8:41pm]

"Walter [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], I'm not saying yes or no, but I'm saying no for tonight. Also, just to be clear, not the group bathhouse brothel Game of Bones style, right, Walter?"

"[Flipping & burning burgers] not the first time, Linc [backs off from the splattering grease]"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] well, Walter, I can't believe you're forcing me to admit that I've only popped popcorn a couple of times, so [grabs the spatula and smacks those burgers to splatter more hot grease] and my Game of Boning will not be in public view!"

"Ouch! What did I say, Linc? These are modern times!"

Hah, modern times! No comment. Other than stupid guys and their dreams of free style Game of Bones sex! But I remember some of the scenes were, um, okay.

[Checks phone clock, yikes, 8:47pm]

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] need a light, Andrew? And what do cigars taste like after you smash it out to eat a burger and then relight it, hmm?"

[Twirling a cigar in the mouth is the man's version of a girl making the blow job hand symbol using her hand and her tongue to push her cheek out]

"[Inhale puffs, inhale puffs] they taste bad, Linc, if you don't blow the old smoke out. And it's not that I was wondering about your tan line situation, so?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] actually, Andrew, that's a first for me and I wish I had a better answer for you about that, um, I suppose. Unless that's a trick for me to prove to you about my tan line situation in the laundry room at about 9:19pm, so?"

[They both check their phone clocks, hmm, 8:49pm]

"[Puff, puff] damn, Linc, that was better than how I tried to sneak in the word "blow" on you by a lot! Any chance this is in my favor anyways, huh [puff, puff], Linc?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] well, Andrew, I did pick up on that, but I'm not exactly looking right now. I'm also waiting for you to talk about doing me Dragon style because a tan line showing then begs for it to be Dragon style!"

And that's how you get Andrew to pass out momentarily.

[Checks phone clock, 8:53pm, your order has been sent to (pause) to the Pizza Shop]

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] need a light, Victor?"

[OMG, do all men have to twirl their fat cigars in mouths first?]

"[Inhale puffs, inhale puffs] does this light service come with a lap dance, Linc, huh [puff, puff]?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] well, sitting down or standing up, Victor?"

"[Puff, puff] well, Linc, since your cheeks are glowing like a red beacon warning light, the laundry room is out for a standing up twerk fest, so, how about a 9:22pm rendezvous on the rickety old bench behind the garage [puff, puff], huh?"

[Checks phone clock and yikes, it was 8:58pm!]

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] Victor, that just won't work for me because at precisely 9:24pm, I'll be busy plugging "Gemma, Guardian of the Garden Gates" into the console system, so?"

And that's how get a guy named Victor to pass out momentarily.

[Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong at 9:04pm]

"Jimmy Jay! Does Suzie know that Linc is here?"

"(Giggles) Linc comes across as Lincoln on the app screen, so five Greek Salads, two Caesar Salads and who has an extra cigar, huh, Lilly?"

"Oh, check outside with guys, I mean, the men because that's where the mixer's official "cigar lighter" is you know, taking good care of the men, so?"

"Official cigar lighter? Is that a real thing, Lilly?"

"Hah, go see for yourself, Jimmy Jay. And what's in the other bag, hmm?"

"I don't know, Lilly, some kind of bribe. Suzie said to deliver it and that's what I did."

[Swish, off to find an extra cigar because delivering food hot and on time is overrated when they are cigars to be puffed on]

"Jimmy Jay! Jimmy Jay! Jimmy Jay! Jimmy Jay! Jimmy Jay! Does Suzie know that Linc is here, Jimmy Jay?"

[Checks phone clock, 9:07pm]

"[Flick, spark, flame] I can dress hot like Brie used to, Jimmy Jay, so?"

"[Inhale puffs, inhale puffs] and I like your casual look, Linc, so?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] well, I kiss forward and back, Jimmy Jay, so?"

"[Puffs, puffs] that's good to know, Linc. Say, did you want me to see if any of Suzie underground parties need an official "cigar lighter" attendant, huh?"

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] OMG, Jimmy Jay, did you want me killed before I made my first ride along with you because it's on page 2 of the playbook that every Tranny in Middleton has to go on a delivery ride along with you! And I would do the drive through car wash like that one movie did!"

"[Puffs, puffs] ahh, I love my life because no matter how much Suzie cuts me off from sex, I still..."

"Linc! Linc! Linc! Front and center, now!"

Hey, I'm just the official "cigar lighter" attendant and I'm innocent!

[Trotting across the grass and into the house]

"Oops [flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame], good talk, Lilly, but I have more cigars to light!"

"Get back here this instant, pleaser of the men! These five battle leotard uniforms, that were just delivered by Jimmy Jay, have a disappearing thong back! Which will make our five booties totally appear! And stop smirking, Linc!"

"Oh, are you ashamed of your booty then Lilly, hmm?"

"Um, no, I'm just yelling my objections because of some reason, so?"

"Anyone else, hmm? Gail?"

"Oh, hell no, I'm up for it! And the playbook only requires that one girl pitch a bitch, so?"

"Lena?"

"Well, I would prefer it if there was some distracting anime playing in the background, so."

[Checks phone clock, 9:16pm]

"Kari?"

"LOL [Kari just starts stripping right there] and I wouldn't be mad if someone posted photos about a party with the best burger buns in town!"

"Well, SOB! Linc, you really do know how to take care of the men!"

[All count down clocks stopped because the world must be ending anyways because it was a strip fest and change over challenge! Right there!]

[But checks phone clock anyways, 9:21pm]

[Ring, ring, ring, ring]

"Hello, this is Suzie from the Pizza Shop, how may I ignore you, hmm?"

"Oh, this is Linc, I mean, Lincoln and I have a compliant, so?"

"Well, Lincoln is a funny name for a girl with a squeaky voice, but what's your compliant that I'm going to ignore anyways because I personally made and bagged up those salads, so?"

"Well, for first of all, your underground parties need an official "cigar lighter" attendant and that's a thing now and that's final. And for second of all, OMG, my voice is near perfect! And for third of all, and my real compliant, your delivery guy has a filthy sedan and it needs a slurping, I mean, a thorough cleaning, like this instant!"

"Oh, um, well, tell my precious boyfriend, Jimmy Jay, to use the Elm Street drive through car wash and be a dear and give him some extra napkins because the Elm Street car wash takes the longest time, you know, since I cut him from sex again, so, good bye."

[Click]

[Checks phone clock, 9:24pm, anime show time, plug and hit play]

"[Flick, spark, flame, flick, spark, flame] let's go, Jimmy Jay, I'm riding your shotgun through the Elm Street drive through car wash and we can't make it really filthy today, but I'm prepared to earn my community card, so, hop to it, Jimmy Jay!"

Well, that didn't take much.

And it didn't take much to post a couple of "best burger buns in town" photos either and I only managed to snap off a few in preliminary stages.

But here's the thing, yeah, Jimmy Jay had been through the car wash before because just before he pulled into big door, yeah, he had us switch seats because steering wheels interfere with head bobbing!

But I did it and my community card will arrive in mail. And since it was Jimmy Jay, who has been sucked off by every Tranny in Middleton, I mean, my community card should be gold or platinum because...

[Weep, an emergency incoming text]

"It's a booty blow out party, Linc! There are more men and the men need more burgers!"

Well then.

[Weep, a follow up text]

"And the extra men R looking for the cigar lighter attendant!"

Well, it's a thing now, so I've heard.

End Linc 02