Little Fish

I set the phone down and stared at her door for a few moments, and then turned into the kitchen to get a drink. ------------------------------------

Jerry and I sat under his mother's gazebo staring into the pond. In his lap he had a small box of goldfish food. Every now and then, he'd toss some into the water.

"Look at that big one keeping the others away."

He tossed out a tiny piece where it plinked onto the surface, and then slowly sank. The smaller fish were huddled around in a circle and slowly moved in for it, but the big fish was at the center and gulped it down. Then he swam in a quick circle, pushing the others back out.

Jerry chuckled, "What a greedy little bastard."

I leaned forward and clasped my hands.

"That's why he's the biggest one."

Neither of us spoke for a while. I watched him toss a handful of food further beyond the circle of fish. The little ones turned and made a dash for it.

"Hurry before that big bastard gets it."

But the big fish didn't move, only turning to watch the little ones swim away. Jerry pointed and said, "See, he knows. He recognizes me and knows. He knows I'm God. I'm their goldfish God and he knows I'll take care of all of them."

Sitting back, I said, "You're a little selective in how you treat your subjects. Why not just sprinkle it around the pond evenly so everyone has a fair chance?"

"I'm fair," he replied with something of indignation. "I put some here," -- and he pointed -- "And I put some there," -- and he pointed further back. Then he held up his hands. "It's the little ones who are at fault, not me or the big guy. All they'd have to do is just run up and grab it before him."

"Yeah, but they can't, because he won't let them."

"Oh bullshit," Jerry scoffed. "Christ, just run up and get it. What's he gonna do? Attack? With what? The gun he's got holstered under his fin?"

"He could bite them."

Jerry shook his head and looked at the pond.

"Goldfish aren't sharks, moron. The worst they can do is bump into each other. It's like goldfish bumper cars under water."

We were quiet for a while, just staring into the pond. He looked to me and asked what Caroline was doing.

"I'm not really sure."

"She still seeing that Clint retard?"

"No. I don't think so. I haven't seen him in a long time. I think she just goes uptown for coffee, and then to the library for a while. I'm not sure what she does after that."

From the corner of my eye I could see him bob his head. Jerry looked to me and asked, "What the fuck did she ever see in that guy?"

I sat back and dropped my hands in my lap.

"Status."

Jerry smirked and shook his head, saying, "If that's what she wants, I got plenty to spare," and he then hooked a thumb over his shoulder to his house.

We stared at the water. The setting sun gave the surface a glassy sheen.

"What kinda guy do you think she'll marry?"

I thought about it for a moment and said, "I really couldn't say."

"He can't be just rich. She might be a slut, but she's got a lot of brains. I mean, you don't get a scholarship like that just for being pretty."

I slowly wagged my head, while watching a little fish follow the big one wherever he went in the pond. I pointed and said, "Look at that little one following the big one. He's a goldfish kiss-ass."

After a moment, Jerry said, "No. I think he follows the big one around because he knows the big one is better than everyone else. He knows if you follow the big one, life will be good. He's not gonna scare the little one away. He likes the attention." Then Jerry looked at me and said, "Shit, do you blame him?"

"No. Not really."

"I wonder what kind of books she likes? You ever sit around and wonder that?"

"Yeah. Sometimes." ------------------------------------

"Is she having a party?"

"What, like with balloons and a clown?"

Jerry shook his head and looked away.

"Jesus. Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Retard."

I asked if he got her anything. He always got her something for her birthday, but over the last few years, he just gave her money. Like myself, he didn't know what else to give her.

"I got her a card and put some money in it."

Then he asked what I got her.

"Same."

"How much?"

"Fifty dollars."

"I was gonna give her seventy-five. Want me to give her less?"

I shrugged. "It's up to you. I don't think it matters."

Jerry looked to me and said, "Man, she's your sister. You can't have friends giving more than you. I'll give her forty-five."

We were quiet for a while, just staring at the pond.

I wrinkled my nose and said, "I can't even remember the last time she had a real birthday party, ya know?"

"The last one I remember was before your mom died."

I slowly nodded. "Oh yeah. Now I remember. Yeah, that one was kind of fun, I think."

Jerry sat back with his hands in his lap. "I don't even remember what I got her."

"Operation and something else. I don't remember what it was."

He looked to me and said, "Did I get her that?" I slowly bobbed my chin and he looked ahead. "Hmph. Okay. What did you get her?"

"One of those pet rocks and..."

"Jesus Christ."

I laughed and he laughed and looked at me.

"Did you really get her a pet rock?"

I nodded.

"God. Fucking stupid. What'd she do with it?"

I shrugged.

"She give it a name?"

I laughed and shrugged again. "I dunno."

"Pet rock. Jesus. It's so fucking stupid it's brilliant. Whoever came up with that is probably a millionaire."

"Where's that one big fish? I don't see him anywhere."

"He drove into town about an hour ago for smokes and beer. How the fuck should I know? Probably on the other side of the island in the shade."

After a while, I chuckled and said, "Okay. That was pretty good."

"Why don't I give you the money that I'm not gonna give her. Just in case someone gives her more than fifty."

Before I could protest, he leaned to one side and fished into a pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. I watched him count through it, and then set several bills on my leg.

"There's thirty."

I picked it up and looked at it.

"But that means I'm giving her eighty now."

"No shit? Wow, I guess a public school education really does pay off. Boy, was I cheated."

Jerry had attended private schools, while Caroline and I went to public.

"No, what I mean is, won't it look weird if I give her eighty dollars?"

"Then give her fifty. I don't care."

"Just seems like an odd number. Like, okay, you gave me eighty. Why not round it up to one hundred?"

"Then give her a hundred, if it will sit better on your conscience. Christ."

"Yeah, but then you're only giving her forty-five. I'm giving a hundred and you're giving forty-five. She might wonder why the big difference."

Jerry dropped his head and sighed.

"I'll give her seventy-five then."

I held out his money and asked, "You want this back?"

He looked up to the pond.

"I swear I never know what to get her."

I shrugged and pushed the money in a pocket. "Me neither."

We were quiet for a time, and then Jerry asked where she was.

"She and Kelly went into town to go shopping for new clothes for school. The Lump and Kelly got her a TV. It's got one of those remotes."

"Those're pretty nice. I was thinking of getting one for when I go back to school. What kind they get her?"

"I dunno. I think she's seeing someone again."

Jerry dropped his head to his hands. "God. No. Okay, don't say that. Who is he?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. I haven't seen him."

Jerry looked to me and said, "Then how the fuck you know she's seeing someone? Don't say shit like that."

I shrugged again. "Some guy's called twice now for her. The first time they talked for a long time. The second time, they didn't talk long, but then she sorta got dressed up and left to meet him somewhere I think."

He fell back against the bench and huffed. "Fuck."

"I know."

"Fuck."

"But that was like a week ago and I don't think he's called since."

Jerry slowly wagged his head. "Fuck. That really sucks."

We were quiet for a while and I asked, "If you could take her on a date, where would you go?"

He thought about it and finally said, "Shit. I have no idea. Probably have to be someplace really nice. Nice and expensive for her."

I wagged my head at the pond. "See, I think I'd do just the opposite." Jerry looked at me. "Everyone else would take her someplace expensive, but I bet she might like it if you took her somewhere fun. I don't know where, but someplace that's fun." He gave me a studied nod and looked to the pond.

"I bet you're right. That's not a bad idea."

"You know who she reminds me of?"

"Who?"

"Katherine Ross."

Jerry looked at me and said, "Man, she's a brunette. Caroline's blonde."

"I know. I just mean if Katherine Ross was a blonde, she'd sorta remind me of Caroline."

He was quiet for a moment, and then bobbed his head. "Yeah. You're right." Then he turned to me and asked, "Katherine Ross from The Stepford Wives?" I shook my head. "Butch Cassidy?" I shook it again. "Voyage of the Damned?" I said no. "The Swarm?" I laughed and said no. "Jesus Christ. We're running low on options."

"The Graduate."

"What? Oh. Yeah. I can see that."

"She reminds me of Elaine in that."

He bobbed his head.

"Yeah. Sorta does. They have the same eyes."

"Those brown doe eyes."

Jerry nodded and we were quiet.

After a while, he rose from the bench and walked to the house. ------------------------------------

Two days later I called Jerry.

"Hey."

"Okay, what? I'm right in the middle of something."

I peered down the hall to Caroline's room. The door was shut.

"I think she's in her room crying."

"What? Why the fuck's she crying?"

I turned to the wall, whispering, "I think because of something I did."

"What? Jesus Christ. What the fuck did you do? You fucking idiot. What did you do?"

I swallowed nervously and said, "I got her a bear. Just a stuffed bear. For her birthday."

"I thought you were just giving her money? God damn it. A bear? Shit."

"I know. I just thought -- Well."

"And I just gave her money. Fuck."

"Well. I just. I dunno. I was just thinking about what we talked about the other day."

"And you got her a bear. Okay, how big?"

I shook my head, replying, "It's not, you know, real big or anything."

"How big?"

"I don't know. I didn't measure it. It's just a bear. Like you give kids. Just a stuffed bear is all."

"So why's she crying?"

I peered down the hall again, saying, "I guess I'm not sure she is. Just sorta sounded like it when I went to the bathroom."

"Wait. Her birthday was the other day. She's just now crying about this bear?"

"No. I got it last night. She didn't get home till late and I was already in bed. I was gonna give it to her when she got home, but it got to be around midnight so I just went to bed. I was gonna give it to her this morning, but she was gone when I got up, so I put it on her bed with a little card. She just now got home."

"And she's crying?"

"I don't know. Well, I think. I don't know fore sure."

Jerry was quiet. I couldn't hear anything from her room.

He said, "You either fucked any chance you had with her, or you're one smooth mother fucker."

I hissed into the phone, "I wasn't trying to be either. I was just trying to be a good brother." Jerry laughed. "I was. I just wanted to do something different." He chuckled again.

"Okay, sure. If that's what you want to believe."

"Hey, maybe I was just trying to be nice."

At that, Jerry snorted. "Man, I don't know why you think I'd believe that. You're in love with her as much as the next guy."

My face burned red. He knew for some time that I was attracted to her, but for reasons than I ever let be known to him. But his weren't all that different than mine. It wasn't simply a physical attraction we felt for Caroline. It went deeper than that. Her personality was alluring, but she kept us at a distance, which only served to make the mystery more enticing. She let other men in her circle, but for whatever reason they didn't stay long, and always because she left them, never the other way around. On the surface, we wanted her because we were shallow, but below lurked a nagging curiosity that desired satiation.

For us, my sister wasn't just an object of lust.

What was she like as a person? ------------------------------------

"You guys gonna watch the fireworks?"

Kelly sniffed the contents of a pot on the stove.

"Maybe just sit on the back porch. Massey feeling tired today. My kids stop by. They bring some stuff for us."

"Oh. I thought fireworks were illegal now."

Kelly waved me off, saying, "Hey, no one care. Who gonna arrest Massey? Just fireworks. We keep them away from your house."

I slowly nodded as she sniffed another pot.

"Smells good. What is it?"

"Noodle soup."

"What's the other?"

"Egg drop. Hey, you take your Caroline if you go to those fireworks."

Kelly walked across the kitchen to a cupboard.

"Why? Isn't she going out with her friends?"

She pulled down two plates and as she returned, shook her head.

"What do you know about her? Gil, she your sister. She don't got lots of friends like you. Maybe two or three close ones she says."

Embarrassed and curious, I wondered how she knew my sister had so few friends and why she thought I had so many.

Kelly pulled open a drawer and plucked through the silverware.

I folded my arms and cleared my throat.

"So -- How do you know she hardly has any friends? Seemed like she had a lot in high school. There were a lot there for her graduation party."

Kelly dipped a ladle into a pot and filled a small bowl.

"Just girl talk."

"What?"

"Girl talk. We talk. Girl talk. She tells me."

"Oh. What do you guys talk about?"

Kelly looked at me. "Gil -- It's called girl talk for reason. Girls. No guys. She talk, I listen. I talk, she listen. You not around for a reason."

"Oh. All right. Well, can I ask you something?"

She set the bowl on a plate and nodded quickly, then picked up the second bowl to fill.

"Who are all those people then? The ones she hangs out with, I mean. I thought they were her friends."

Kelly shook her head.

"No. Just people. Lots of people in the world. Only a few you wanna be close to." ------------------------------------

Back at my apartment, I sat on the couch waiting for Caroline. It was close to nine and she still wasn't home. I looked at the clock, and then to the phone. Jerry was expecting me to pick him up a little after nine to go to the fireworks. I rubbed my knees, wondering what to do, but no sooner had I reached for the phone, than the door opened and in walked Caroline.

Without acknowledging me, she stepped into the kitchen. She set something on the counter. It sounded like a glass. The refrigerator door opened, and a few seconds later closed. Caroline walked into the living room holding a glass in one hand and small paperback book in the other. She sat on a chair directly across from me opened the book.

I cleared my throat and she glanced over. I gave a weak smile and she returned to her book.

"Going to the fireworks?"

She took a sip from her glass and set it on a small table next to her.

"Didn't plan on it," she said.

I gripped my knees, saying, "I'll take you if you want." When she raised her eyes, I gave another weak smile. She looked down to her book.

"I see. Thanks."

And then silence.

"I uh," -- She looked up -- "I was talking to Kelly tonight and she thought maybe I should invite you to come with us."

My sister studied me for a moment, and then closed her book on her hand.

"Who's us?"

With a little shrug, I replied, "Just Jerry and me."

She studied me some more, and then looked to the clock.

"What time's he expecting you?"

"Oh. About now."

She looked down to her book and my spirits sank. Then she closed it and set it on the table next to her glass.

"Let me change first."

As she rose, I gave a few jerky nods.

"Mm hm. Okay. I'll just sit here and wait then."

Caroline glanced at me as she turned for the hallway. When her bedroom door closed, I snatched up the phone. It rang once, twice, and was picked up on the third ring.

"Black residence."

"Hey, uh, is Jerry around?"

"Just a moment, please."

It was his mother. She called out to him.

"Jerome, telephone."

After a short wait, he came on the line.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Hey, it's still a little light out yet. Guess who's coming?"

"How the fuck -- Caroline?"

I grinned and nodded. "Yeah, she's changing clothes right now."

"Shit. Did you ask her or something?"

"Yeah, she got home a minute ago and I asked."

"And she said yes?"

"Of course she did, dumbass."

"Taking her car or yours?"

"Mine, why?"

There was a short pause and he said, "Take hers instead."

I smiled, replying, "Yeah, and fuck you, too. You just wanna sit up front next to her. We're taking mine. Besides, hers is a convertible."

"So fucking what? Wait. Yeah."

"Unless you wanna be blowing snot outa your nose the rest of the night."

Jerry suffered from allergies. Even small amounts of pollen and dust touched off the trigger of constantly blowing his nose and rubbing his eyes.

"Shit. God damn it."

"Here she comes. I gotta go."

"Wait. Think of something to do afterwards."

"Bye."

When she stepped into the living room, my stomach fluttered. She was wearing denim shorts, tennis shoes with no socks, and a yellow t-shirt. Her legs carried a golden hue, and her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Atop her head was a white ball cap. While stuffing a wallet into her back pocket, I sat staring, mesmerized, taking in her image. She had a pretty face, a narrow nose draped with a sprinkling of freckles, and eyes always on the edge of a smile. Jerry and I felt they were her most alluring feature. But we also we liked her breasts -- it's what men think about and often notice first. And with Caroline, they were hard not to notice, as they were quite small. Sometimes she even looked flat chested, depending on the clothing she wore. Throughout junior high and her first year of high school the other girls teased her incessantly, but she ignored them. She wouldn't stoop to their level, but had her revenge by going on dates with their boyfriends. And it was they who asked her, never the other way around. She only made it a point to let them know she was available. Only one date per customer, but that's all it took. And if that weren't enough, she stuck it to everyone who disliked, mistreated, or were jealous of her by graduating at the top of her class.

Jerry and I liked everything about Caroline. There wasn't one aspect that was the linchpin. It was all or nothing, as far as we were concerned. Mind, body, and spirit -- we liked everything.

She patted her hands down her shorts and raised her nose. "Ready?" she asked. I jumped to my feet.

We didn't speak much on the drive to get Jerry. Mostly, she sat looking out the window. To break the annoying silence, I said she could turn on the radio, but she declined. It's not that I didn't want to talk, I just couldn't think of anything to say. That's how little I knew her, and she was even my sister.

I strained my eyes through the front window to the darkening sky above. "Looks like a nice night for fireworks." She didn't reply, only staring out her window with her fingers entwined on her lap.

When we arrived on our street, Jerry was waiting at the end of his drive near the mailbox. I looked to The Lump's house. Two cars were in the driveway. Kelly's kids must have been there.

Jerry jerked open the back door and dropped inside with a huff.

"Hey, Caroline."

"Jerry."