All Comments on 'Lockdown'

Good story, but this is more of a beginning to a longer story. You could expand this to a full story.

But like several other loving wives stories that authors have tried to tell in 750 words, the lack of enough background information and any real ending dooms this story to the trash heap. I just hate unfinished stories. Thanks for the effort and keep after it. But next time something with more meat. PS - Don't mess with your editor. Things like a "screwn" paper wrapper stick out like a sore thumb.

that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. At least you got the number of words right, I presume.

Thanks for the effort.

Thanks! Great place description and nice economy of words.

Tip: Never, ever refer to your editor as 'sublimely accurate'. No one's that good and you didn't change 'dined' to 'dinned' after your editor had finished with it.

... if u cant have a coherent thought process of how to write a sensible fully complete story in 750 words dont try...

I surprisingly enjoyed it. No need of details for me, I got what the husband was feeling especially what he felt hearing that "whop-whop". 3 star.

Why didn't your story include him copying/sending the emails to his own account? When she gets back, she will lock her computer again and simply deny the emails exist. He would need evidence at least to prove infidality to family/friends, if not a divorce court.

Yes we know he might be in shock. Even leaving his 10 yr old alone in the house while he runs like a coward. But even stupidity has limits.

Even at 750 word limit, you padded the story with numerous and unnecessary adjectives and adverbs to reach the minimum. This was a 500 word story with added fluff. The idea, I would think, is to see how much story you can tell while using words sparingly.

It is a flu virus .

50 percent more dangerous than normal.

That is if you are over 60.

Or have an under lying weaknes.

The rest get over it.

And many never know they had it.

Covidiots

Congratulations on your first story.

Great imagery! 5 stars.

well i hope there will be more coming good so far

Good first effort. I can tell you from personal experience that when you realize your wife is cheating you don't respond logically, you don't realize all the things you need to do, and you don't function properly. Anyone complaining that he didn't do this or didn't do that has no understanding of what it's like. Good first effort.

Now that you have that under your belt work on an enjoyable full story. Just getting tired of all of these not even partial stories. Getting as bad as stories with no conclusion.

Too short to be a story. Rather than try to write a short 750 word story rewrite this to include the confrontation and what she feels when discovered. To anonymous re "covidiots" you should talk to all the people who have lost parents, husbands, wives and sons and daughters and tell them they are idiots. Oh it's okay it's only old people who are dying so I'm not worried. We could do with reducing their numbers as they are all just a burden anyway. Heard yesterday that a 7 year old had died with it. It may be a form of flu but it is the most deadly virus since the Spanish flu. Maybe reconsider who the idiot is?

I have to hope you'll get better. Did you scroll through an online thesaurus to come up with as many pretentious adjectives and adverbs as possible?

Next time, at least hint at an ending.

Congratulations for your first story. I wish you well and can see you will add a lot to Literotica with your writing.

Registered Nurse here. People like you believe the bullshit spreading online are the real idiots. I’ve lost friends under 40 with no health complications and three months after recovering, I still have lasting effects. Not to mention the deaths of patients I’ve seen. Many were morons like you who didn’t take it seriously and spread it all around.

That said, too much fluff and not enough substance for a 750 word story, good idea but needed better execution

Great first story. Well written. Its started out a bit flowery but it captured my interest and drew me in. Although its 750 words. The ending came way to soon. This story has a set of legs that would carry several more chapters. I look forward to your next submission.

well done

hey anonymous it is a short story and to the point. Though "hard" was right.

First things first, congratulation on taking the step. Now, you chose a 750 word essay for your first story, how about writing the rest of the story (thank you Paul Harvey) so we know what happened.

Looking forward to your next one.

Every bit of what you say may be true... but what you’ve demonstrated about yourself is that you’re perfectly willing to absorb the entire infection rate among your personal circle of super-human brethren - BRING IT ON! maybe one or two of you die or have trouble breathing the rest of your lives but they were the weak ones masquerading as belonging in your clique anyway - as long as you aren’t subjected to ‘inconveniences’ that avoid mass infection of the at-risk people you mentioned. You know, the ones who, if the overall infection rate is much higher, are much more likely to die. Slightly worse than not being allowed to gather or forced to wear a mask for a while.

Or, short version: you don’t care about anyone else, only yourself. Covidiots?

P.S. did you write this review from the back pew of a church? Just wondering if there’s that extra layer of hypocrisy to consider...

Not bad, but the ending was telegraphed. We all do that but yours was done a trifle too early. Why all the talk about the pancake house? What would’ve made a great connection is if he had killed her by stuffing whole pancake until she couldn’t breathe at the pancake house! :-)

Anyway, Keep at it. I don’t mind HDK. He has been off since the boob job. 😊 But, he was right,

Regards

I’ve never had a friend died of flu, but I’ve lost 5 in the last year.

Congratulations on posting your first story. Nice job. I look forward to reading your future efforts.

Good first story. Keep them coming now.

But I and, I'm sure, many others would love to read the continuation. Easy on the alliteration though!

Great first effort, particularly since it is one of those tricky 750 worders. Please carry on good sir or madam

Congrats on your first. Very brave jumping in with the difficult 750 word constraint. Nice job. Thanks.

You did well, for a neophyte author, perhaps better than I could, but that first paragraph was a doozy. Look it over with a competent editor. Concentrate on finding the subjects, see what the introductory phrases modify, watch the puffed-up vocabulary. Does a footfall “stride”? Does a zephyr float through a bone-chilling midnight air? Does light really struggle? What’s with the shooting gallery? Is it the subject of the following subjectless"sentence"? An author’s intoxication with words sometimes results in his putting logic aside. Write with passion but revise with a clear eye.

It may be "old school", but I was under the impression that a story necessitated a "beginning", a "middle" and an "end". I'm unsure if we got to any of these, but we certainly did not get to the end. The beginning is usually where we find the introduction of characters (although the definition of those characters can occur in the middle to bolster a scant introduction). Was that accomplished? Who is Jason and why is he left alone, or why shouldn't he be? Is he of a mental state that he likely will burn the place down? Is he your basic psychotic who will cut you to pieces upon your return? What of Tim The White? Is that his name or his identifying character? Why is he important? All is left to conjecture on the part of the frustrated audience.

Unfulfilling - try again, or not...

Smokepole

very much enjoy this being expanded into a more extensive story.

You started a cheating wife short. Now please write the rest of the story.

Good news for Jason: he may not end up being an only child, after all.

Not if his father starts having kids with a woman worth making a family with.

While in jail, the MC should definitely ask some coppers about recommandations on a good solicitor- might as well get ready for the inevitable.

Good first work. Thanks for the share.

.....if you want out of you house, just riot. Firebomb buildings, break windows, beat up elderly folks, burn cars, assault innocent people. Certain mayors of certain cities assure us that if you riot you are immune to covid.

While he’s in prison for the next 5 years, learning how to take cock like a whore, his wife will provide their son with 4 brothers or sisters, with a real man for a father.

Clearly this asswipe isn’t. “My wife cheated, oh boohoo. I’m going to run away instead of dealing with it.”

Assault the Capitol, killing police officers in the effort to halt the due process of the constitution. Anarchy is certainly without any punishment though so our hero probably wouldn't have spent the night in jail or suffered any punishment for those kind of actions. Just sent home in peace and the knowledge that the gang leader loves you.

You included everything we needed. Well done!

short, to short but I guess that was the point. Cheaters and liars, he should have stayed home and confronted then throw her out on the street. Cheaters endanger the whole family even without the threat of covid. Would like to see a follow up on this.

I would really like a continuation of this story. This part was well done, but I would like to see how he handled the end.

Hm, I'm not sure about the flshing lights. First I thought they were because of his wife having an accident. But it seems they are because of him. I'm still not sure.

It is more difficult to write a shorter story than a longer story.

You did well enough with this little teaser of your talent.

Good choice on Blackrandl1956 if that was your editor. She is much better at pointing out mistakes of others than anything else.

Look forward to seeing the next story you post🙂.

I'm

AMerryman

Intrigued. A more complete continuation needed. A 10-year old son, left alone, all by himself, makes it a must to continue.

Left like this,it is a nothing story.

So touching and sad

Reportedly, a letter written by Ben Franklin (yes, THAT Benjamin) had the following first sentence -

. "My apologies for such a long letter; I did not have time to write a short one."

Anyone who thinks writing a 750 word short story should be easier than a longer one has probably not tried to write one.

Great first submission, MoralCompass. While you left room for improvement, your inaugural entry beats the LW average in overall quality.

Keep 'em comin'.