Love is a Place Ch. 01: The Puzzle

-No action is required Dr Alison, as neither Sarah nor I desire the other so we can continue as normal.

-Exactly. Now what about the cell that indicates that "Sarah desires Samantha" but "Samantha does not desire Sarah"?

-I need to inform Sarah that I do not reciprocate her feelings? Samantha's voice took on a higher pitch that tasted chalky to her ears. Her chest was beginning to bend inwards.

-Yes! And I guarantee you that Sarah will accept this Samantha and that nothing will need to change in the short to medium term. Sarah understands you and cares for you and will accept this. This is equally true if YOU express a desire for her that she does not reciprocate.

-Okay. It was a relief for Samantha to hear this. Dr Alison had only been wrong once (Puzzle Sub:Sarah 78) as regards Sarah.

-Therefore, Samantha, do you see why the Puzzle is really about you?

Samantha looked at the grid and she did see it.

-Yes I do. The Puzzle is "How will I react if I desire Sarah and she does not desire me?" and, also, "How will I react if we both desire each other?"

-Absolutely! Well done. You need to solve this Puzzle before you discuss anything with Sarah, otherwise the actions that you both need to take will not be clear.

-Okay. Thank you. That is good advice Dr Alison.

-You're welcome.

-How can I solve this Puzzle about my feelings then?

-Well, I think you should explore some reading material about lesbian relationships and see if you can visualise yourself in the roles described. After that, if you feel comfortable, you might try viewing some images and film, though I would suggest that you seek advice from other women on this as most of such images are produced for men rather than women. I imagine that is confusing, but trust me on this. Do you know any lesbians that you can talk to Samantha?

Samantha thought for a moment and realised that she probably did know one lesbian.

-Yes, I think I do.

-Do you know them in a capacity where you can approach them to discuss this?

Samantha thought about this. She thought that this was the case. Dr Summers was her Personal Tutor in the Department after all, and this was something personal that she might need tutoring in.

-Yes. I think I have a similar relationship to them as I did with you in school.

-Oh good, that sounds perfect. I will also try to find some recommendations, but most of what I have here is aimed at younger people and I'm afraid I have zero personal experience of same sex relationships Samantha. But I'll try.

-Thank you, I appreciate that.

-Now, I have some more advice. I also think that you should try to spend more time out of the flat with Sarah doing things that Sarah enjoys.

-Like what Dr Alison?

-You tell me Samantha. What does your close friend Sarah like?

-She likes music. She likes going to concerts.

-Good. Do you think if you found a concert where there was allocated seating, so that nobody would bump into you, and you took earplugs in case it was too loud, you could go to a concert with Sarah?

-Yes. I think I could do that. We did that once before together at a place called the Bristol Beacon.

-Oh good. Well, why don't you try to find a concert there again featuring a band or artist that you know Sarah likes and buy tickets for it?

-Okay.

-Now, what else does Sarah like?

Samantha paused and thought about her friend. She was studying Sociology, which Sarah didn't really understand, but then it was about people and Samantha didn't understand many people. But at school she had also studied Art and she had occasionally painted the previous year until Sarah complained about the smell of the paint in their room. Then she had stopped.

-Art. She likes Art.

-Good. Could you take her to see an Art exhibition? If you went early, or during the week, hopefully it wouldn't be too crowded. It shouldn't be very loud either.

-Okay. Yes. I could do that.

-Now, do you have any idea why I am suggesting these things Samantha? Take your time.

Samantha paused and thought about it. She thought that this was probably along the lines of why she had been encouraged to participate in group activities at school.

-I think it is to build and reinforce my relationship with Sarah. This would be to make our bond stronger so that we can deal with any disruption that this Puzzle may cause. It would be another way to demonstrate to her that she is important to me.

-Excellent, that's all very good Samantha. But there is more.

Samantha waited.

-If it turns out that both you and Sarah desire each other, then it may be that you both decide to start a relationship. A relationship is not just about physical intimacy; it is about enjoying each other's company. Doing activities together is a way to develop that. It would be ideal if you found activities that you both enjoyed, but if you can't then that's okay. All relationships involve compromise, so you taking Sarah to a concert, even if you don't particularly enjoy it, would be an appropriate compromise. Does that make sense to you?

-Yes.

-Okay. Did you want to ask me anything else Samantha.

-No. Thank you Dr Alison.

-You are most welcome Samantha. Dr Alison's voice smelled of that fresh feeling after a shower. Samantha, please email me again next week, or earlier if the situation changes. I am more than happy to advise you on this.

-Thank you Dr Alison.

-You're welcome. Take care of yourself Samantha.

- I will.

Samantha ended the call and went to stir the lentils before returning to her reading.

* * *

After finishing her notes on the third essay, Samantha became aware of voices in her flat. The clock on her laptop read 6:12, so she deduced that some of her other flatmates had returned. Sarah was working at the Lounge that evening and wouldn't be back until later.

Leaving her room and entering the small sitting room that was also the entrance to their 4 bedroom flat, Samantha found Amanda, and a curly haired man she didn't know sitting in the arm chairs, with Lydia and her boyfriend Keith squished together on the sofa. They were drinking out of mugs. It smelled like tea.

They were all talking loudly so she waited, just outside the door to the bathroom, watching them until they noticed her.

"Hi Samantha," Amanda said.

"Hello Amanda. Hello Lydia. Hello Keith." She then looked expectantly at the unknown man. She liked to know who people were straightaway.

"Samantha, this is Tristan. I told you about him if you remember? Tristan, this is Samantha."

"Yes, I do remember." She recalled that Amanda had told them all that she'd met him at a party last week and he studied Politics.

"Hi Sammy. Nice to meet you."

"It's Samantha."

"Okaaaaaaaaaay." He rolled his eyes. Samantha didn't like his voice, it smelled sour. She decided to ignore him if she could. She decided to address Lydia and Amanda.

"I made some spicy lentils. I am also going to cook some mashed potatoes to go with them. There are muffins for dessert, but I want to save 3 for Sarah. Would you like to eat?"

"Oh wow! So you got a live-in chef! I want one!" Tristan laughed. Samantha didn't like the laughter and she moved through the archway to the small kitchen space that was next to the bathroom. She turned to find that Amanda had followed her.

"Like, sorry about him," she whispered as she touched Samantha's arm lightly, "would you like me to ask him to leave?"

"Do you want him to leave Amanda?"

"No."

"Then no, I will be okay. Do you want to eat?"

"Yes please.... But, like, you know that you don't have to cook for us Samantha?"

"I know."

"Well, good then. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

After cooking the meal, Samantha decided to remain with the others to eat. She didn't like eating in her room as it made the room smell. There was no table, so they all ate with big, wide bowls on their laps. As the seats were all taken, Samantha sat on the step that dropped down from the kitchen into the sitting area. It didn't really classify as a sitting room, she thought, being far too small, more of a glorified corridor, connecting the rear side of the flat, with kitchen, bathroom and the room she shared with Sarah, to the front three the other girls had. The central stairwell took up the rest of the floor space.

Samantha didn't try to follow the others' conversation; it was too fast and she didn't know the people that they were referring to. In any case she needed to concentrate on her movements to ensure she didn't spill anything on herself.

Samantha was musing over the implications of the recent advances in Mitochondrial Aminoacyl translation and how it related to the content of Dr Summers' lecture, when she became aware of Lydia leaning over and speaking to her.

"Samantha. Samantha? This is delicious. Thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome."

"Yes it's great, Samantha," Keith added. "What's in it?"

Samantha thought for a moment and wondered how much detail she needed to go into. She suspected that Keith wasn't asking about the ingredients of the stock cube she had used, which was good as she couldn't remember, but she could remember the other components.

"It has 1 onion, 2 garlic cloves, 2 dried chillies, two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar, 12 dried apricots, 6 mushrooms, 1 red bell paper, 500 grams of puy lentils, 1.5 litres of vegetable stock, salt, pepper and thyme."

"Wow," laughed Tristan, "that's an epic amount of detail. Do you know all the capital cities of the world and the prime numbers up to 6,404 as well, Samantha?"

"Mate, that's not funny," Keith said.

"6,404 isn't a prime number as it is divisible by 2 and 4," Samantha explained, but strangely this seemed to make Tristan's urine scented laugh even louder. Samatha felt her chest beginning to fold. She put down her bowl so that she could cover her ears, then she felt Lydia move next to her and put her hand on her arm.

"Oh my God! You've got your own Christopher," Tristan was laughing, "is she gonna start groaning on the floor?"

"That's it, you, like, need to leave now," Amanda was on her feet, taking Tristan's bowl from him and pointing to the door.

"You what?"

This was confusing to Samantha, but suddenly Keith was also on his feet, holding the door open. "You heard." His voice smelled like a stick, woody and earthy.

"What? Are you serious? It was just a joke?"

"That, like, wasn't funny. You've hurt Samantha's feelings. You need to leave." Amanda had moved to Samantha's side too and was sitting next to her, her hand on her leg. Samantha didn't know how to feel; there were good and bad smelling sounds at the same time and her chest was flexing back and forth.

"Oh my God, you're actually serious!"

"Yes, she is." Keith was talking.

"Samantha is our friend and we don't appreciate you making fun of her. You need to leave. You're good looking but, like, I've just realised you're also a bit of a twat. Please don't call me," Amanda snarled from Samantha's side. She sounded like a dog growling but strangely, although Samantha was normally terrified of dogs, this smelled safe.

Tristan looked at them all, made an inarticulate noise that Samantha thought she might categorise as a snort or possibly a grunt and left.

"Samantha sweetie, I'm so sorry. Like, I didn't think he would be so rude to you."

"You asked him to leave," Samantha was shocked by this, so felt the need to clarify.

"Yes I did."

"Why?"

"Because he was rude to you. You're our friend Samantha. I don't want people to be, like, rude to you."

"Oh." Samantha was tasting something new in her chest. It was very pleasant, like roasted chestnuts. "I didn't realise I was your friend."

Amanda made a small choked noise and hugged Samantha from the side. Samantha found that far from flinching at the contact, she actually enjoyed it. It felt nice. Soothing. Like waves.

"Samantha," Lydia had moved to just in front of Samantha and was squatting down. Her hand was on Samantha's leg. "You're my friend too. And Louise's."

"And mine. I'd like to be your friend too, if you'd like," said Keith, from where he had sat back down.

"Oh." Samantha didn't know what to say, so she fell back on a rehearsed strategy she'd learned for such moments. "Thank you. That means a lot to me." She was enjoying the taste in her chest and the smells of their words were truly delicious. She smiled.

"Oh Samantha, you are so precious. Do you mind if I hug you too?"

"No, I don't mind. You're a friend and friends hug." She smiled more as Lydia carefully leaned in and added her hug to Amanda's.

When Amanda pulled away, Samantha noticed her cheeks were wet.

"Why were you crying?" she asked, worried now she had done something wrong.

"Oh," Amanda sniffed, "like, Tristan upset me. But I was also sad that you didn't realise we were your friends. Like, I was disappointed with myself that I hadn't told you."

"Oh." She paused. "I thought you were crying because Tristan had gone and you were upset that you didn't get to have sex with him."

Everyone froze. Then Amanda started shaking and biting her lip. Then she snorted and burst out laughing. Keith and Lydia were also laughing but trying not to. This laughter smelled of rich tea biscuits and cocoa. Samantha wondered if that's because it was good laughter.

"That was really funny Samantha," said Lydia, before confirming her suspicions, "we're laughing with you sweetie."

"Oh. Good. I'm glad." She turned to Amanda. "So, it's funny that you aren't going to get to have sex tonight?"

This made them all laugh harder.

"Yes, Samantha, it's hilarious."

After they had washed up and shared the muffins, apart from the three she wanted to save for Sarah, Samantha was feeling very satisfied. The other three were looking at her and smiling regularly, and she found herself returning their smiles and this made them smile more. Her chest was blooming. She decided that, as they were friends, they might be able to help her with part of Dr Alison's advice.

Samantha explained to them about wanting to take Sarah to a seated concert and asked them for suggestions for bands that Sarah might like to see. They enthusiastically took up the challenge and soon the four of them were browsing their laptops in the sitting room, Amanda sitting next to Samantha and explaining to her what the different venues were like. Lydia found a concert by Jamie Wyatt at St George's after Christmas that she said Sarah would be very excited about - "maybe it could be a Christmas present from you?" - while Ms Nadine had a concert at The Lantern on December 18th.

"Oh, she's really good. We saw her at Bristol Pride in the summer, do you remember Lydia? Sarah loved her. Maybe we should all go! Would it be okay with you Samantha if we all went?"

Samantha thought about that. Dr Alison had said that friends did things together. These people were her friends. Besides, having more people there who knew her would probably make things easier.

"Yes. I would like us all to go. But I should buy the tickets."

This led to a bit of an outcry. In the end Samantha was persuaded by Keith that it would be more appropriate for him and Lydia to buy each other's tickets as they were a couple, and Amanda said that she owed Louise some money so she should buy Louise's ticket. So Samantha ended up paying for hers and Sarah's. She also bought two tickets for Jamie Wyatt's concert.

The rest of the evening was pleasant. Amanda surprised Samantha by asking if she wanted company while she studied and Samantha thought that would be okay. It was. Samantha still got her reading done, making notes at her desk while Amanda sat on the bed, but it was a warming feeling to also have Amanda in the room doing the same. Samantha wondered if this was the feeling of friendship. It had a different texture to her friendship with Sarah, which was rich and velvety and always warm yet sometimes pulsed hot, but this was a very pleasant sensation, like pillows with a strong headboard behind. She thought maybe she should tell Amanda this. She then thought that wanting to tell somebody this was a new idea, which pleased her. She decided to try it.

"Amanda."

"Yes?"

"Having you here is like the feeling of soft pillows with a strong headboard behind them."

"What? I don't... you're sitting in a chair? Oh!" Amanda put her hand out and touched Samantha's arm, "Oh, honey, that's, like, really sweet, I get it. That's a lovely thing to tell somebody, Samantha."

Samantha smiled. "Oh good! I am pleased. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing to tell somebody."

"It was, it really was." Amanda seemed to think. "Being with you Samantha is like being with a beautiful plant that smells sweet and, like, puts out lovely flowers when you aren't looking."

"Oh." Those words smelled like coconut. "That was really nice. That was a compliment, wasn't it?"

"Yes it was sweetie. The lovely flowers are like all the kind things that you do for us. The sweet smell is like how gentle you are."

"Oh. Yes. I see that. Thank you for explaining the simile."

Samantha felt really light, like she was in water. Her chest was like a buoy, floating. It had been a really, really good day, she reflected. This calm, comfortable time with Amanda; the excellent essay on SNVs she had read; buying tickets to concerts for Sarah; discovering she had more friends than she realised; cooking; the conversation with Dr Alison; Dr Summer's lecture; her nice packed lunch; her challenging but successful assisted laboratory practical; swimming; and waking up with Sarah. She looked at the time; it was 10:30. Sarah would be finishing soon. She decided she wanted to see Sarah as soon as possible.

"Thank you for sitting with me Amanda and for helping me earlier. I want to go and meet Sarah from work so that I can talk to her on the way back."

"You're welcome sweetie. That sounds like a nice idea. Do you know which way she walks home?"

"Oh. No."

"You could, like, use the find a friend app on your phone."

"Oh, that's a good idea. Then I won't miss her."

"Tell her about the concerts, like so she can make sure she isn't working on those nights."

"Oh, yes, good idea. I'm going to go now."

Samantha was pleased to see Amanda holding out her arms in a clear indication that she wanted to give Samantha a hug. Samantha decided she would try to give Amanda and Lydia a hug each day. She wasn't sure about Keith: she would ask Sarah about that. After hugging Amanda, she put on an extra jumper, her coat, a scarf and her boots. She also decided to take a large umbrella in case it was or started raining. Then she set off to the Lounge.

As it happened, she was just a few metres from the Lounge when Sarah stepped out. It had started to rain.

"Hello Sarah. I've brought you an umbrella."

"Samantha? What...? You came to meet me?"

"Yes. I did."

"Oh, that's really lovely. Come here."

They hugged under the umbrella. It seemed to Samantha that the hug was longer than usual and it also seemed to her that this was really nice. Sarah's hair smelled of frying oil and beer, but the sound of her breath in her ear smelled like vanilla and A grades.

"I'm very happy that you came to meet me Sarah. But why?"

"I had things I wanted to tell you, and I thought that if I came to meet you we would have more time together. I'm also glad I did because it's raining and you don't have an umbrella."

"What did you have to tell me, gorgeous?"