Love is a Place Ch. 01: The Puzzle

Dearest reader

How are you? I hope all is well with you. Ok, before you start, I feel I should mention two things:

1. There's no sex in this part. Sorry. It's about friendship and love. There may be sex later in the series, but no promises.
2. There are massive spoilers here for my story The Third Date, so maybe read that first. I mean, if you want to. You don't need to have read it first. But that one has sex in it.

If you are still with me at this point, then I thank you and humbly invite you to continue.

All characters are over 18 and bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead. I would also like to thank KES for all her invaluable support and suggestions.

Happy reading

Love T

Love is a place (Part 1): The Puzzle

Samantha had a Puzzle to solve. Not a Problem. She wasn't sure if it merited that classification yet. A Problem was something that caused her difficulty in her life. A Problem would require Action and Change. A Puzzle was something new that she didn't yet understand, but she needed to understand in order to decide whether a) there was a Problem or b) no Action was needed.

It had taken her some time to become aware that this Puzzle was there in her life. This was unusual: normally new things were jarring, causing a stench in her hearing and a folding in her chest. This Puzzle had crept up on her. That in itself was puzzling.

She had finished her lunch and washed her hands, she had reviewed her notes from the pre-reading and now had 25 minutes before her lecture began. Deciding that this was enough time to begin working on the Puzzle, she opened a new document, titled it Puzzle Sub:Sarah No. 162 and filed it in her Sarah folder, in the sub-folder for that year.

She began to type.

Hypothesis: I think Sarah may desire me sexually.

Principle evidence:

1. Over the last 3 weeks, I have woken up to find one or both of Sarah's arms around me on 20 occasions.
2. On 8 of those occasions, one of Sarah's hands has been in direct skin to skin contact with me under my pyjamas.
3. This morning, Sarah's hand was on my left breast when I woke up.

Alternative sub-hypothesis 1:

Sarah has been asleep in all of the above cases. She may have been enacting her dreams, and projecting her sexual desire onto me. It may not be me that she desires. According to Silmaki (Lancet, 2014) and Jones et al (Journal of Endocrinology, 2011), sharing the same sleeping space with somebody over a prolonged period of time can lead to increased sexual desire and deepening of emotions due to the release of oxytocin. Thus, Sarah may be in a feedback loop whereby continuing to share a bed with me is promoting the release of oxytocin, which is then increasing her sexual desire, etc.

Alternative sub-hypothesis 2:

I may be misunderstanding and misinterpreting these actions on Sarah's part. This may be a perfectly normal aspect of female friendship which I was unaware of and nobody has informed me about. There are extensive references in literature (cf Austen, Bronte) to women sharing a bed in a platonic manner; they often mention having arms around one another, but do not always specify where each other's hands rest. Perhaps holding each other's breasts is likewise normal.

Samantha stopped typing and sat still, hands on her knees. She reviewed what she had written and tried mapping the evidence onto her previous experience. This took very little time as she had no previous experience that corresponded to the data: she had only shared a bed with Sarah and only this year, in their room on the second floor of a Georgian terrace. She assumed that Sarah had shared a bed with other people, as there had been 17 occasions during their first year at University when Sarah had not returned to their shared room in the Hall of Residence. Back then they had twin beds. Sarah had not always given details, but it was logical for Samantha to assume that Sarah had shared somebody else's bed on those nights, though it was entirely possible that Sarah had slept on a sofa or in a spare bed on eleven of those nights (the details Sarah had shared about the other six made it clear she had shared a bed).

Thinking over this, Samantha realised that it had been some time since she and Sarah had last spent a night apart. Not since the summer holidays, when they had slept in their respective parents' houses (though even then Sarah had spent many nights at Samantha's house). Since then they had shared a double bed every night since September 18th when they returned to University to begin their Second Year. Samantha wondered whether this counted as evidence. After a minute's reflection and a quick calculation, she added a 4th point to her list of principle evidence.

4. Sarah has not been sexually active for at least 73 days as she has been sharing my bed for that duration.

She then realised that it was possible that Sarah had been pursuing sexual activities with a person or persons unknown but limiting their activities to the day time. She thought that this was highly unlikely, but nevertheless it remained a possibility. Samantha did not know whether Sarah was physically attractive. She thought perhaps that she was, given the number of boys who used to call her and the fact that Sarah seemed to look much like the model in the Pantene adverts that were all over the bus stops at the moment. Samantha understood that models were hired for their physical attractiveness. However, being attractive did not mean sexually active. As a counter argument, however, Samantha reasoned that it was theoretically possible to sexually desire more than one person: being sexually active with others would not prevent her from sexually desiring Samantha. Therefore, Sarah's hypothetical lack of/existence of sexual activity had no bearing on the Puzzle. Samantha deleted point 4 from her principle evidence as it was not pertinent.

She read back through points 1 to 3 and wondered whether any constituted a Problem. She immediately dismissed Number 1. Samantha made sure to hug Sarah at least twice a day, following advice she had received many years ago about displaying appropriate affection to important people in her life. Sarah was very important to her. Hugging in bed seemed much the same to her as hugging out of bed, ergo Number 1 was not a Problem. Likewise, Number 2 was not an issue. Sometimes when they hugged they touched each other's skin. Sometimes Samantha did this on purpose, touching Sarah on her arm or back as another indicator to show Sarah that she was important to Samantha. This was a further part of the advice she had been given. Sarah also did this to her, often to get Samantha's attention to ensure she knew she was being spoken to as she didn't always realise this. She appreciated Sarah looking out for her in this way as it meant many potential Problems did not arise.

Samantha re-read Number 3. She felt like it ought to be a Problem, but didn't feel it actually was. Sarah had not hurt her, unlike the last time her breasts had been touched (Problem Sub:Michael Burns 3) which had been a massive Problem leading to further Problems (Problem Sub:Head of Year 34 and Problem Sub:PC Winterbourne 1). There was also a question about responsibility: Samantha wasn't sure whether people could be held responsible for what they did in their sleep. She made a note:

Actions:

1.Research whether somebody can be held responsible for actions carried out while in a sleeping or otherwise unconscious state.

However, even as she wrote it, Samantha thought that it didn't really matter. Somehow it still wouldn't be a Problem even if legal opinion held that people could be held responsible for actions committed while asleep. So why was it not a Problem?

Not finding an answer, Samantha tried a different approach. She tried to find a parallel experience she could relate this to in order to predict the potential outcomes of it being a Problem. The closest she could come to was when she hadn't wanted to play basketball in PE because of the unwanted physical contact. The result of that was that she was allowed to stop the activity which led to the unwanted contact. Therefore, Samantha reasoned, if Number 3 was a Problem, then it might result in Samantha and Sarah no longer sharing a bed.

Samantha immediately felt a folding in her chest and the sounds near her began to smell like the bottom of the fridge had when they'd moved in. She did not want to stop sharing a bed with Sarah. The consequence of that would be to stop sharing a room, as there was only a double bed in their room and no space for another. This would be a massive Problem. They needed to share a room to save money. They also needed not to alert their landlord to the fact that Samantha lived there too, which they would if they asked to change the double bed for bunk beds. That would cause another Problem. It could jeopardise Samantha's ability to live with Sarah: Samantha might have to leave to live elsewhere. That would probably require being categorised as a Disaster. The stench of the conversations nearby intensified and Samantha covered her ears to try to shut out the rotten reek of chatter.

To distract herself, she began to review the euchromatic section of the human genome. It took 3 minutes. It calmed her and the smell receded.

She still had 7 minutes before her lecture started. She decided she would like to think of further actions.

Normally, she would discuss Puzzles with Sarah. It would often be a topic of conversation between them at night before they slept. This was something Samantha valued highly about Sarah: she helped Samantha make sense of the world. However, she had plenty of past experience of Sarah changing her behaviour in response to Puzzles and Problems Samantha had shared with her, and it was clear that Samantha might not want a change in Sarah's behaviour if that would lead to Disaster. Thus, Samantha reasoned, she could not discuss this Puzzle with Sarah.

She considered her three other flatmates. They had lived in the same Hall of Residence and Sarah had become friends with them, often spending the evenings with them away from their room. Sarah had agreed to share a flat with them the following year on condition that Samantha could too. Samantha was aware that they thought her strange, and in turn they had presented Samantha with many Puzzles. However, Sarah's advice on how to solve these Puzzles - sharing food with them, doing extra cleaning, returning any hugs that they initiated, not complaining when they had boys stay over, asking them questions about themselves - had seemed to have helped. She thought that they would enjoy discussing this Puzzle with her, as they did seem to enjoy discussing similar Puzzles that their various male sexual partners presented. But she felt that they would laugh, as they often laughed at each other. Sarah had explained that the laughter was friendly, laughing with not at, but she still struggled with this. She thought that Amanda, who laughed least, might be a possibility, so she added to her document:

Possible Actions:

1.Ask for advice from Amanda.

She then considered asking for advice from her parents or her older brother Stuart. Samantha quickly dismissed this, as in 75 out of 81 cases when she had consulted her parents on matters to do with Sarah they had told her to do whatever Sarah suggested. Thus, she reasoned, they could not be impartial in this instance. She didn't feel Stuart's perspective would be helpful: she recalled that his opinions tended to be illogical when women's breasts were involved. However, she was pleased that she had considered this, as it meant she could then move onto a positive action.

She could email Dr Alison. She had checked whether this was a matter where she could ask Sarah, or her parents, or somebody else in authority (Amanda was not in authority) and she could not. Checking her emails, she found that she had not emailed her for advice for 7 months and 3 days, so she did not feel it would be an imposition.

Actions

2.Email Dr Alison for advice.

She quickly wrote her email, including such pleasantries as she had learned she should include in correspondence with close acquaintances, attached the document she had written and sent it. Samantha immediately felt the taste of satisfaction fill her chest. She had taken steps to solve the Puzzle.

Looking up she saw her tutor Dr Summers approaching. She was walking next to a shorter Asian woman whom she kissed goodbye before heading into the large Chemistry lecture theatre. Samantha gathered her things to follow, waiting until most of the student body was inside.

The lecture, on the processes of cell mutation and contributing factors, was interesting. Samantha always appreciated Dr Summers' lectures and tutorials, and wished she gave more. There was an extensive reading list for the follow up lecture and tutorial, but as all of it was available on Blackboard and JSTOR, Samantha saw no need to go to the library. She reasoned that she could prepare a spicy lentil dish to slow cook for supper and make Sarah some muffins for tomorrow if she went home to do her reading.

When she arrived home at the tiny 4 bedroom flat she shared, and had set the stew to simmer, she was pleased to see a response from Dr Alison, who expressed her pleasure at hearing from Samantha. This was a common reaction that, although Sarah had tried to explain it to her, Samantha still struggled to understand (Puzzle Sub:Dr Alison 79). She didn't comprehend why Dr Alison should enjoy Samantha contacting her for help when she was no longer paid or required to help her, since Samantha no longer attended the school where Dr Alison worked. Sarah assured her that she cared about Samantha, which made no sense to her, because surely then Dr Alison would be unhappy to hear from Samantha as the fact she was emailing must indicate that Samantha was not fine. Sarah had told her to stop questioning it. This did not help.

In any case, Dr Alison had suggested Samantha call her at 4:30pm. She set an alarm for 4:30, then began reading an essay on the impact of UV radiation on cell mutation, sitting at the desk in the room she shared with Sarah.

When the alarm went off, she closed her laptop and dialled Dr Alison.

-Hello Samantha! How are you?

-Hello Dr Alison, I am fine, thank you for asking. How are you?

-I'm very well thank you, and it's lovely to speak to you.

-Thank you. How is school? Samatha was pleased with herself that she asked this pleasantry automatically. She felt that maybe she was getting the hang of small talk.

-It's fine thank you... busy day today. I told Ms Murrow I'd be speaking to you and she sends you her best wishes.

-Oh. Thank you. I liked Ms Murrow. Her classes were extremely helpful and informative.

-Would you like me to pass on your best wishes to her? Or you could email her to tell her that?

-Which would be best?

-Why not both?

-Okay Dr Alison. Please give Ms Murrow my best wishes and I shall also email her.

-Good idea Samantha. Now, let's get to why you called.

Although she had read the document, Dr Alison had Samantha go over the details of the Puzzle, asking further questions to extract more information. Samantha couldn't see the relevance of some of this information (what time she and Sarah usually went to sleep/got up; what they wore in bed; whether she and Sarah did things together outside of the flat; whether Samantha was still a virgin; whether Samantha had been having sexual thoughts about anyone), but she had learned that the more information Dr Alison had, the easier she found it to give advice and the more useful that advice was.

-So, Samantha, so now I want to ask you some Yes/No questions and I want you to go with your first thoughts. Can you do that?

-Yes.

-Do you feel safe when Sarah hugs you?

-Yes.

-Do you feel safe when Sarah holds you in bed?

-Yes.

-Do you like it when Sarah holds you in bed?

-Yes.

-Would you like it if Sarah stopped holding you?

-No.

-Does Sarah make you feel loved?

-Can you define "loved" in this context please Dr Alison?

-That she cares for you, values you, is willing to put your needs before her own?

-Yes.

-Would you mind if Sarah held you more often?

-No.

-Would you like it if she held you more often?

-Yes.

-Do you like the feel of her skin on yours?

-Yes.

-Thank you Samantha. That was good. Now I need to ask a non-Yes/No question. How did it feel when Sarah touched your breast?

Samantha paused and tried to remember the sensation. She had woken up at her usual time of 6:45 to find Sarah's warm body pressed up against her back. That had not been unusual, especially in the last 3 weeks. Samantha liked to lie in bed for 3 minutes before getting up in order to mentally review her agenda for that day. She had begun to do so, when she became aware of a warm, heavy sensation across her ribs and on her left breast.

-Warm. Heavy but not uncomfortable. Soft. It sounded like jasmine.

-Does Sarah wear a jasmine scented deodorant or use a jasmine scented shampoo?

-No. Her shampoo is tea tree and she uses an unperfumed deodorant.

-Is jasmine a pleasant smell for you?

-Yes.

-So this sensation of Sarah holding your breast produced a pleasant sound and smell stimulus?

-Yes.

-Do you think you would be disturbed if Sarah held you like that again?

-No.

-Okay.

Dr Alison then gave Samantha some advice. The first piece of advice - not to discuss this with Sarah at the moment - was unsurprising and accorded with Samantha's own feelings. Dr Alison was complimentary with Samantha for having worked this out by herself which made Samantha taste satisfaction again. Her second piece of advice was surprising:

-Right, Samantha, I want to make a suggestion to you and for you to think about it. I think that this Puzzle is NOT really about Sarah. I think it is about YOU. Whether or not Sarah desires you sexually is an interesting Puzzle, but it is not the most important Puzzle. The most important Puzzle is whether YOU do.

There was a pause while Samantha firstly wondered whether Dr Alison would say anything else and then tried to make out the shape of the meaning of the words she had just heard.

-Samantha, do you have a pen and paper?

-Yes.

-Good. Now draw a square grid of 3 columns with 3 rows. Make each cell of the grid an equal size. Tell me when you have finished.

-Okay. I have finished.

-Now. Shade out the top left hand square as we won't need it. Then add "Sarah desires Samantha" to the first cell in the second row and "Sarah doesn't desire Samantha" to the first cell in the third row. Do you understand?

-Yes. Okay, I have done that.

-Now, in the cell at the top of the second column write "Samantha desires Sarah" and in the cell at the top of the third column write "Samantha doesn't desire Sarah." Okay.

Samantha now understood this. It was a version of the prisoners' dilemma metaphor that Dr Alison had often used with her to show the necessity of cooperation and trust.

-So Samantha, what action should you put in the bottom right-hand cell?