Love is a Place Ch. 01: The Puzzle

Samantha wanted to think about Sarah calling her "gorgeous", which she often did, or "beautiful", and what it might mean and to try to remember how long Sarah had been doing it for. But she couldn't because Sarah had asked her a question and so now she needed to concentrate on having a conversation. They walked along, both holding the umbrella between them and their other arms wrapped around each other, and Sarah asked questions as Samantha told her about her day.

Samantha was feeling proud of herself that Sarah seemed interested in what she had to say. She had thought about the proper order of information on the walk over and decided that, as much as she had enjoyed swimming that morning, her lab and Dr Summers' lecture, these probably weren't of interest to Sarah. Her conversation with Dr Alison about shared interests had been very much on her mind.

Instead she spoke about the incident with Tristan and the reactions of Amanda, Lydia and Keith, and her lungs levitated at Sarah's reaction, her little indignant gasps, squeaks of joy and gentle pressure as Sarah's body leaned into hers. When she heard Sarah's disbelieving excitement about the concerts, which caused Sarah to bounce a little squeal and kiss Samantha's hair, Sarah realised she had told the anecdote in an effective way. That tasted of extreme satisfaction, which, coupled with the cookie smell of Sarah's squeals, made her smile widely.

"But beautiful, please let me pay you back? I don't understand why you have to pay for my tickets."

Samantha was about to mention what Dr Alison had said, but stopped herself as she realised that she might then need to explain why she had spoken to Dr Alison, which would be hard as she wasn't ready yet to tell Sarah about the Puzzle. She paused.

"It was important to me that I buy them for you. I wanted to do something nice for you."

"Oh Samantha, you do lovely things for me all the time. Like today. I really appreciated the packed supper you left out for me; it was delicious and very thoughtful of you. You don't need to do more."

"Good. I'm pleased that you appreciated it. I know I don't need to do more. But I wanted to."

"Why?"

Samantha didn't answer. They had arrived home, so busied themselves getting ready for bed, taking turns in the bathroom. Sarah went to speak to Amanda. Normally, Samantha would read, but instead she sat on the bed in her pyjamas thinking of how to answer Sarah's question.

"Not reading tonight, gorgeous? Shall I just put the light out?"

Samantha turned to look at her friend as she climbed into the bed.

"I bought you the tickets because you are my friend. Your friendship feels rich and velvety and warm to me. I wanted to do something for you that made you feel loved, and I thought that buying you the tickets might do that."

She was surprised when Sarah started sobbing into her neck. She felt a folding in her chest, although there was no stink to the sounds Sarah was making. Samantha awkwardly put her arms around Sarah's back.

"I do feel loved, Samantha. These are happy tears. I'm sorry if I worried you." Sarah's voice was muffled as she didn't move her face from Samantha's neck. Her chest immediately unfolded.

* * *

Over the next few weeks it became Samantha's habit to meet Sarah from work and walk home with her. Apart from work, Sarah no longer seemed to have late events planned in the evenings and was therefore home at the time Samantha wanted to go to sleep, ensuring that they were able to have long lingering hugs before sleeping.

There was no repeat of the breast holding incident in the mornings. However, Samantha now always woke up to find Sarah's arms around her. Now that she had identified the Puzzle she used these mornings to examine her feelings and test out the parameters. She found that lying in Sarah's arms was a more than satisfying taste; it was somehow extra. Samantha rarely felt extra than satisfied, but there was a super pleasant flavour to this taste, hints of chilli and raspberries. Focusing on the feeling of Sarah's breasts against her back brought out aromas of blueberries, while the day she woke up to find Sarah's leg thrown over hers had a crisp apple tang. She found that the tastes were most intense on the mornings when Sarah's arm was under her pyjama top, across her stomach, and was less discernible the days when Sarah's hand lay over her top. In the spirit of the scientific method, she tried pulling up her pyjamas, so that Sarah's hand fell onto her skin and found that, while it did heighten the taste, the flavour was weaker.

Samantha had particularly enjoyed this morning, which was Sunday, when she had decided to delay getting up for her morning swim and instead luxuriate in the feeling and flavours coming from her friend. After some time, she tried shifting onto her back which, deliciously, with notes of cinnamon and soft butter, brought Sarah's arm up to her shoulder and Sarah's leg over hers. Samantha responded by placing her own hand on Sarah's thigh. Samantha lay there listening to the sweet, sweet smell of Sarah's breath on her neck and tasting extra extra. She closed her eyes and bathed in the deep, velvety sensations that were running up her ribs.

She thought back and wondered when exactly she had begun enjoying physical contact. For the longest time - all of Primary school and much of Secondary school - she had actively avoided having to touch other people or have them touch her. Going to the dentist had been particularly hard, which was why Samantha took dental hygiene very seriously. Being touched had often caused her to feel nauseous and make her chest fold in, making breathing hard. It had also made sounds smell worse. She had had to take pills which deadened her. But after many discussions with Dr Alison, especially about her friendship with the ever patient Sarah, Samantha had begun to initiate and accept very limited contact. She thought that perhaps towards the end of their A Levels she had actually started to enjoy touching and being touched by Sarah. She remembered particularly when they had posed together for their graduation photos, arms around each other, as a time when Samantha's chest had actively buzzed a little and the sounds around her had smelled that little sweeter. (Samantha hadn't actually gone to the Year 13 graduation event, but Sarah had insisted that she dress up and pose for photos with her, before they ate a special meal together in Samantha's parents' garden. Sarah had then gone with some classmates.)

She eventually did get up, leaving Sarah to sleep more, as the creeping time threatened to put her behind schedule and that would have ruined the satisfaction. But there were still hints of the warm velvet taste even after she had showered and changed after swimming, and it was still there as she headed to the café where Dr Summers had promised to meet her.

Samantha had emailed Dr Summers to request a personal meeting. That had happened on Tuesday and been extremely awkward as Dr Summers had quickly asked Samantha to stop talking. Samantha had felt a massive folding in her chest and had been on the verge of running out before Dr Summers had told her that she simply couldn't discuss this subject here, on campus, without somebody else present, as it would be improper. The next day, Samantha had received an email inviting her to meet Dr Summers and her girlfriend Priya at a café to discuss the issue.

Samantha saw Dr Summers approaching with the Asian woman she had seen Dr Summers kissing as she waited outside the café. This turned out to be Priya.

The meeting was uncomfortable. The café was noisy, with music playing and lots of loud conversations. Samantha struggled to focus on the small talk and sometimes missed questions. When she did answer, Samantha found she was having trouble judging the appropriate volume, sometimes speaking so quietly the other two women had to lean in to hear her or ask her to repeat herself, on other occasions speaking so loudly that she noticed people on nearby tables turning around to look at her.

Therefore, Samantha was happy to agree when Priya suggested that they leave the café and go sit on a bench in the sunshine opposite.

"Sorry about that Samantha," Dr Summers said as they left. Samantha was still having trouble thinking of her as Kate, even though Dr Summers had asked her to call her Kate 3 times now.

"Are you all right?" Priya asked when Samantha didn't say anything. Samantha wondered if the question was directed at her or at Dr Summers. When Dr Summers didn't say anything, and given that Priya was still looking at her, she decided that she must have been.

"Yes, I am fine now. Thank you."

"Oh. Right. Well, that's good."

Feeling rather unsatisfied, Samantha just wanted to get to the point of the meeting. "Dr Summers, thank you for meeting me. I was advised to talk to a lesbian about recommendations for reading and viewing material and you are the only lesbian I know."

Samantha was surprised when it was Priya who spoke.

"Are you saying that you think you are a lesbian?"

"I might be. I'm not sure."

"Have you ever done anything with a girl? Have you kissed or.... You know?"

Samantha didn't know. She felt frustrated. That was the point of this meeting: to find out what she didn't know.

"I have done lots of things with girls. I've cooked with them, helped clean the flat, worked on school projects together. My friend Sarah has kissed me on the head or cheek several times."

"But you've not done anything sexual with a girl?"

"No. I have not. I have not done anything sexual with anyone."

"How old are you Samantha?" Dr Summers asked.

"I'm twenty years and four months old."

"And have you ever kissed anyone on the lips?"

"No, I have not."

Priya and Dr Summers exchanged looks with each other that Samantha didn't understand.

"But do you think you might want to kiss somebody?"

Samantha thought for a moment. "I am not sure. If I wanted to kiss anyone it would be Sarah."

"Tell us about Sarah," Priya asked.

Samantha didn't know what information would be required, so she gave a variety of details hoping some of them would be what was wanted. "Sarah is twenty years and three months old. She is two inches smaller than me and smells of tea tree and vanilla, but her normal speaking voice smells of cinnamon and honey. She has 6 brothers and sisters and she is the middle child. She has dark, curly hair that comes to her shoulders and her eyes are hazel in colour. She studies Sociology and works at the Lounge."

"Hang on," said Dr Summers, "is she Sarah Robinson?"

"Yes, she is."

"Wow, yeah, I know her. I've worked with her. She's nice. Small world."

Samantha didn't say anything.

"Okay," said Priya, "but tell us what Sarah is to you. What does Sarah mean to you?"

The question was too big. Samantha couldn't even see the edges of the answer. She didn't know where to begin. Should she talk about the meaning of Sarah's name? Or describe her value to Samantha? Or explore the "what" in the question? She couldn't begin to break it down, the idea was overwhelming. Should she talk about how Sarah had been assigned as her buddy in Year 7 and had done her best to help her find her way around the large, scary secondary school? Should she explain how Sarah had tried to shield her from the taunts and bullying, sometimes helped by her older siblings or Stuart, stuck by her in break and lunch times, hiding out in the library or the haven, at the expense of forming other friendships? Should she say how tutoring Sarah in Maths and Science had given Samantha a sense of self-confidence and satisfaction, an opportunity to turn the one-way dependency into a two-way flow of friendship? (This was a metaphor Dr Alison had had to demonstrate with models before Samantha understood it.) Should she explain how Sarah's persistence and patience had finally allowed Samantha to learn that touch didn't have to be scary and sickening but could be friendly and comforting? Should she talk about how it had never been a question of whether she would go to the same University as Sarah or share a room with her, but where? There was too much to say, too much to fit into a proper answer.

So Samantha gave a simple answer.

"Everything. She means everything to me."

Dr Summers and Priya shared a look. Samantha noticed that Priya was biting her bottom lip and squeezing Dr Summers' hand.

"So... it sounds like you feel very strongly about Sarah. Do you know if she feels the same way about you?"

"I know Sarah feels very strongly about me. She tells me so," Samantha answered.

"Right... so I'm confused about what you need here, Samantha."

There was no question there, so Samantha didn't reply. They sat there, the other women's eyes on Samantha.

"Samantha," Priya asked, "how can we help you?"

"Can you suggest some books and videos I can read and watch so that I can find out about lesbian sex and decide if it's what I want to do?" Samantha felt a bit frustrated. She had already said this.

"Oh, right. Yes, I think we could do that," Priya said, "couldn't we?"

Samantha didn't know the answer to that question but Dr Summers nodded so maybe it had been a question for her.

"Let us have your phone number Samantha, and we will send you some links. Would that be okay?"

"Yes. I think it would be okay."

Samantha gave them both her phone number, thanked them both and said goodbye.

She had an essay to write that day, but once she had finished she checked her phone and found that she had several links sent to her from Priya along with advice to "not read anything else from the site in case it freaks you out". The stories were called "Galentine's day", "A broken woman can still heal", "Starcrossed", "Twas the night before", "After the game", "The watcher", "On the simplicity of words" and "Nanny Sarah".

* * *

Over the next 4 days Samantha read them all. She found herself enjoying them as stories. She also found herself sharing some of the reservations that some of the characters had in the stories. She still wasn't sure if she would want to have Sarah do some of those things to her, although, when she considered how much she was enjoying physical contact with Sarah at the moment, she thought it more than likely that she would enjoy further physical contact, especially if it was slow and gentle. Furthermore, the idea of her being able to make Sarah feel loved and have her respond in the way the stories described definitely appealed to her.

Some things worried her. Her physical coordination for one. She wasn't great at fine motor control, and needed an assistant for some of the more delicate laboratory work. Samantha worried that she might not physically be able to reproduce some of the delicate touches on very specific parts of the anatomy that the stories described. Luckily, many of the stories mentioned vibrators, so perhaps she could use one of those to compensate should the situation ever arise.

Another thing that worried her was her hair. Not that on her head, but that elsewhere. On her legs, under her arms, on her pubis. Many of the stories mentioned the women being shaved or shaving or being hairless. Now she had had this brought to her attention, she noticed that none of the other women at the swimming pool had hair under their armpits. She worried that this would disgust Sarah if it came to it. So, Samantha did what she always did when presented with a concern like this: she made some notes.

Puzzle Sub:body 31.

Hypothesis: I think my body may be unattractive as it is too hairy.

Principle evidence:

1.Much of the romantic lesbian literature mentions women being shaved.

2.Observations at the swimming pool suggest that shaving armpits and legs seems to be standard feminine hygiene.

3.I have never shaved my legs, armpits or pubis.

Conclusion:

Unless I shave these areas, I risk my body being considered unattractive.

Actions:

Here Samantha paused. As with so many issues to do with her body - periods, bras, appropriate clothing for different situations, unwanted attention/contact from boys/men - Dr Alison and Sarah were usually those who provided guidance on the appropriate actions. Running through the likely outcomes of talking to Sarah about this, Samantha realised she might be asked why this was a concern for her. Therefore, seeing as Dr Alison had told her she could email or call any time, she decided to email Dr Alison.

Email Dr Alison for advice on next steps.

There was no point in delaying this action, so Samantha did so right away. Then she returned to her reading list.

Dr Alison's advice was quick to come.

Dear Samantha

Thank you for your email and kind wishes. I hope this finds you well.

Let me get straight to your Puzzle.

In our society, hair under the armpits and on the legs is, traditionally, considered unattractive. I must stress that this is a beauty standard largely defined by men: therefore, as it appears that you are not interested in attracting men, there is no reason for you to conform to this. However, there is also no harm in conforming to it: it will provide an instant solution to the Puzzle and set your mind at rest.

A further factor to consider is: what is Sarah's preference? This should be easy for you to ascertain. There is no need to ask her. Simply observe how she maintains her own body hair. If she shaves her armpits, legs and elsewhere, it is highly likely that this is what she considers attractive. If she doesn't, then this is probably not something she considers important.

Anticipating other questions you might have e.g. How to go about shaving if you decide to do so. Well, I have looked online and there are many youtube video tutorials on how to do this. Also, most depilatory creams (my own preferred method) come with clear instructions on how to do this. However, many female friends find that grooming together is a bonding experience: therefore, this probably is something you could approach Sarah with, or perhaps the other friend you mentioned, Amanda. I suspect that both would be pleased to guide you in this area.

Would it be correct to interpret from your latest email that you have now solved your other Puzzle? The Puzzle of whether or not you are attracted to Sarah? I cannot imagine that you would be concerned about taking such steps if this was not the case.

Would you like to talk to me about this? Or, would you like me to talk to Sarah on your behalf? (The role of the go-between or messenger in love affairs has a long history: you would not be the first to use one.) I am happy to help in any way I can, though I also do not want to interfere.

Best wishes

Dr Alison

Samantha copied and pasted Dr Alison's reply into Problem sub:Body 31. She was reassured by Dr Alison's response and added further actions:

2. Observe Sarah when she returns from a shower to ascertain what hair she leaves and what she removes.

3. If Sarah is hairless, speak to Amanda about the processes involved.

She thought about Dr Alison's other offer and tested out likely scenarios in her head. After some time she composed her reply.

Dear Dr Alison

Thank you for your kind and swift reply, and for your best wishes. I am well.

After reading your advice, I have decided to take the following actions:

2. Observe Sarah when she returns from a shower to ascertain what hair she leaves and what she removes.

3. If Sarah is hairless, speak to Amanda about the processes involved.

Please let me know if you think that they are inappropriate, otherwise I will presume that I should proceed.