Love is a Place Ch. 01: The Puzzle

Regarding your offer to speak to Sarah, I shall decline. I have no doubt that you would do it well and probably better than I would. But I am now an adult and I must take responsibility for my life. You may not always be there to help me. I cannot depend upon you to solve my Puzzles and Problems for me. I need to be able to communicate with Sarah, especially about important issues, and this seems to me to be a very important issue.

On Thursday, we are going to a concert together. I plan to treat this like a "date" and make a special effort to look good and to be tactile with Sarah. Afterwards, when we get home, I plan to ask Sarah if she wants to have sex with me. Do you think that this is unambiguous enough? I had been thinking that perhaps I should ask her if she wants to kiss me, but then I thought that this could be misunderstood as a kiss on the cheek or forehead, and that I should be direct. I do not necessarily intend for us to have sex that evening, but it seems like this would be a good time to establish how she feels.

Again, please let me know if you think that this is inappropriate, otherwise I shall proceed.

Best wishes

Samantha

A short while later, Samantha received a brief reply from Dr Alison.

Dear Samantha

That sounds like a good plan. Enjoy your date. Good luck!

Best wishes

Dr Alison

It tasted of satisfaction.

* * *

After her observations revealed that Sarah did indeed shave her armpits and legs, but did not appear to have shaved her pubis, Samantha approached Amanda. Amanda was only too delighted to be asked.

"Really? You've, like, never shaved? Mmmm, well, would you like me to show you how?" she replied, "we can do it together if you like - I ought to do mine soon."

The process was awkward and uncomfortable, but also strangely pleasant. She and Amanda occupied the bathroom together, wearing just bras and underwear, and shaved. Samantha found coordinating her limbs tricky, and Amanda had to help her. The results were pleasing. Afterwards, Samantha couldn't stop stroking her smooth legs. She enjoyed the feel of them, the gentle lemon taste her skin made as her hands caressed up and down. It made her tingly. She had also enjoyed her time with Amanda, her easy manner and her reassuring tone. It had tasted like biscuits and tea.

As a result, when the day of the concert came near, Samantha felt comfortable enough to ask Amanda's advice about what to wear.

"Well, it's not like a formal thing Samantha. You can just go casual. I mean, it's like December, so I'm probably going to wear, like, a pair of jeans and a jumper, then a coat."

"Oh. Ok. But I want to look nice. Attractive, if possible."

"Samantha, you are attractive."

"Am I? Why?"

"Well. How to say this without sounding weird? Well, like you have very pretty eyes and your face is a lovely shape. I think if we just put on a bit of, like, mascara and eyeliner, that could really bring your eyes out. Hmmmm. Maybe if we, like, styled your hair more?"

"How?"

"Well, we could, like, pin it up? That would really show off your neck and jawline. Then maybe if you, like, wear some figure-hugging clothes - if you don't have any, maybe you could, like, try some of mine, we're almost the same size. How tall are you?"

"I am 5 feet 6 inches."

"Yeah, that's, like, the same as me. Let's see what I've got..."

Samantha ended up selecting some tight trousers in navy blue with pretty bead work up one leg, plus a matching jacket. Under it she would wear a red polo neck with a sheer panel that Amanda said would reveal her cleavage in an attractive way.

"Boys always find a bit of cleavage attractive, Samantha."

"Oh. I don't want to look attractive to boys, Amanda."

"No? Oh." There was a pause. Amanda's eyes went wide. "OH! Right! I see." She paused again. "Well, don't worry. Like, girls will find this attractive too."

"Oh. Good." Then Samantha remembered her manners. "Thank you. Thank you for your advice and for lending me these. I promise to clean them when I return them."

"You're welcome. Would you like me to do your hair and, like, make up for you tomorrow as well?"

"Yes please. Thank you."

* * *

On the day of the concert, Sarah expressed surprise when Samantha went to Amanda's room to get ready after dinner and even more surprise when she came out 30 minutes later, with her dark hair up and stylish makeup picking out her fine features.

"Oh wow, Samantha! You look amazing!" Sarah herself was dressed casually in jeans and jumper, a corduroy jacket over the top and her satchel over one shoulder.

"Thank you Sarah! You look lovely too." Samantha was surprised to find that she meant this; she wasn't just saying it to be polite in the way she had learned to respond to compliments.

"No, I feel underdressed now. I didn't realise we were dressing up. Let me at least change my jacket."

Samantha watched as Sarah quickly swapped her jacket for a more fitted coat that gave her waist some definition, dashed a bit of extra eyeliner on and popped on some rarely used lipstick. Samantha observed how her jeans were quite form-fitting.

"Okay babes, let's go!"

Moments later, all six of them piled out the door for the walk down Park Street to the venue.

Samantha slipped her arm through Sarah's almost straightaway, earning her a smile from her friend. Samantha felt her chest rising with extra satisfaction. She thought that maybe this feeling might be what other people meant by happiness, maybe even love. Even as they advanced through the crowds at the venue's entrance, something that would usually cause Samantha's chest to bend, the taste of Sarah's fingers entwined with hers meant the floaty feeling never faded.

For much of the actual concert, Samantha drifted, as if in some sort of trance. It was not unlike the effect of the pills prescribed to her for much of her childhood, but instead of her sensations being deadened everywhere, like a blanket being pressed down, they were massively heightened within a very close radius. The radius within which Sarah sat. In which she breathed, she smiled, she stroked Samantha's skin. Samantha was fully focused on her friend, acutely aware of her: the way she would reach back to tuck a stray curl of hair behind her ear, of the honey taste of Sarah's hand on hers, her pulse, the momentary tang of emptiness when they would let go to applaud the end of a song, the mango singing pressure when her hand returned to hers. Samantha had never tried alcohol but she wondered if this sweet sensation, this gorgeous flavour, could be likened to intoxication. The music washed over her but she was barely conscious of it. In fact when it finished, she hardly noticed, until she realised that Sarah had been smiling at her for some time.

Samantha was still in a daze when Dr Summers came down the aisle.

"Hi there!" Dr Summers began, "did you enjoy it?"

"Kate! Hi! Yes, it was great! You?" Sarah was talking, Samantha noticed.

"Yeah, fantastic! Did you recognise Priya up there?"

"No! Priya? Your girlfriend?"

"Yeah! The cellist? First full performance with the band! So proud of her!"

"She was brilliant. They all were. Please tell her," Sarah was speaking, but Samantha was nodding.

"I will! I'm going to head backstage and see her now, but lovely to see you. You're a beautiful couple, by the way!"

"Wait, what do you mean?" but Dr Summers was gone.

They waited until most of the crowd had dispersed. Keith and Lydia said their goodbyes; they were headed back to his flat for the night. Amanda, Louise, Sarah and Samantha made their way slowly back up through the town centre, Amanda and Louise saying goodnight outside a popular bar when they spotted some friends of Louise inside.

And then it was just Sarah and Samantha walking home side by side under the Christmas lights. Sarah no longer held her hand, but Samantha didn't mind: she was still floating on the feeling of comfort and contentment she had swum in all evening. It was, she realised, the gentle culmination of many weeks of slowly building emotions. For many years Samantha had thought that she never wanted to be touched by another, let alone have sex. Sex Education classes had been quite traumatic for her at school. But now she was realising that there was nothing she wanted more than to be touched by Sarah, held by Sarah, kissed by Sarah and more. Much more.

"Sarah, I really enjoyed tonight."

"Great! I'm pleased. I enjoyed it too."

"Do you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I was with you."

"Oh Samantha, that's so sweet. I enjoyed being with you too. Love you beautiful."

"I love you too."

They had said such things to each other before, but now it seemed to Samantha that she understood these sweet toffee-tasting words, not just differently, but fully. Her chest felt like it would burst.

They climbed the two flights to their flat, the feeling in her chest almost lifting her up effortlessly. Sarah unlocked the door and led them in.

"Do you want to use the bathroom first, Samantha?"

"Oh. Okay. Yes, that would be a good idea." Samantha thought that this way she could make sure her breath smelled okay. "Um, can you help me take off the make up?"

"Sure!" Sarah smiled.

She giggled through the process, a new one for Samantha, before she brushed her teeth. Then she left Sarah in the bathroom.

Back in their room, she changed into her pyjamas and sat, full of anticipation and glow, in the middle of the bed for Sarah to return. Her body seemed to her to be buzzing.

When Sarah returned, Samantha waited for her to finish hanging up her clothes and turn to face her. Then she smiled her biggest smile at her friend and asked: "Sarah, do you want to have sex with me?"

Samantha wasn't prepared for the look on Sarah's face. She definitely wasn't prepared for the words that came out of Sarah's mouth: "Samantha, no, I don't. Oh God! Did I make you think that..."

Samantha's ribs, sternum, heart, lungs, diaphragm, trachea, bronchae folded and folded and folded, four, six, eight, ten, seventeen, ninety times and beyond as she crashed and crashed and crashed.

Sarah's voice was saying something, but the taste of emptiness and barking dogs and Primary school flooded her inner ear and Samantha could make no sense of the words.

—-----------------------------

Thank for reading. Part 2 coming soon!