Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself

The apartment was less of an "efficiency" than a "deficiency." Hamish's uncle had taken one fairly large place and turned one into a nice studio, with a kitchenette.

This was rented by Thalis, a nice if a little heavyset dark haired gal who worked at Buttermilk Nursery, provider of plants and garden supplies to the Buttermilk Falls yuppies.

Thalis was no rocket scientist, but she apparently had, along with her sister Themis, been part of a folk-singing group in her heyday.

Hamish rented the other part, the "deficiency" which had a small bathroom, a closet that leaked rainwater, and in one corner a dorm fridge, with a microwave sitting on top, and on top of that, a precariously placed hotplate.

"And to think you were the smart one.

Well, you get to live here rent free, and you can keep half of what Thalis pays in rent, if you collect it. And perhaps you can clean up your fucked-up life" Uncle Dawes had been succinct.

How had Ham's relationship started with Thalis? She saw one of his spanking magazines, the "plain brown wrapper" ripped, and even in 1979...

Ham had been slightly ashamed, and Thalis had kind of liked Ham, and got a kick out of looking strict in a tight sweater and skirt "I love t' dress up after all that soil y'know?" and taking her erstwhile neighbor over her knee after he'd taken her to dinner and maybe to an art gallery.

They weren't dating, per se, but it was kind of a thing, the pants down, spanking and then sometimes they'd fuck. Thalis liked more macho guys, perhaps, and certainly Hamish like most forty year olds, was bimbo possessed.

And, there was a cute little thing at his AA meetings, but Cezanne had kind of put Ham in the non-threatening male friend category.

Cez was a nice girl, though, very hot, and the guy she liked, who used her for occasional sex was a Air Force pilot called Smooth Teddy.

Smooth Teddy, of course, was the one who fucked all the girls Ham and his pals lusted after, and it was so frustrating. Why couldn't Cezanne and the others realize that Hamish was a nice guy?

But, Smooth Teddy had been an Air Force pilot (not currently, he was a bouncer, but hey, Hamish didn't do much of anything.) and his ice blue eyes, Cez told Hamish were just possessing.

One night, after an exuberant session of Alcoholics Anonymous, the gang went out for coffee, which annoyed waitresses since you don't tip much if you don't drink. This was of course in the days before Starbucks.

Then Hamish and Cezanne were given a ride home in Smooth Teddy's Camaro. Hamish realized bitterly that after he was dropped off, Cez would probably blow Teddy in the car, but oh, well.

Ham's error was inviting them in to the deficiency. He had one chair and a mattress on the floor, but he was feeling social, and Teddy began making rude remarks, while Cezanne tried to be polite about the ascetic surroundings.

Then, Smooth Teddy began telling dirty jokes, and Cez and Hamish laughed (although Ham didn't really find Ted humorous at all, he felt truly witty types didn't have to rely on jokes.) And they got a little loud.

A hall separated Thalis's studio and the Deficiency with a miniscule washer/dryer laundry combo, and the walls were very thin.

Thalis had to start at Buttermilk Nursery at six a.m., and she was having a hard time sleeping with all the screaming and laughter. This wasn't Ham's first "social", sometimes he'd play records and his friends would sit on the floor, and they had an informal bridge club.

Thalis had spoken nicely to Hamish about this, and she guessed he forgot. So she got up, gritting her teeth. She looked over at the wooden paddle that she'd spanked him with on Friday, after the Buccaneers game.

The paddle was one of these thin little jobs that had once had a rubber string and a ball attached to it. Ham had bought it and yanked off the string, and presented it to his friend across the hall, and could that thing STING!

Themis picked it up, turning it around in her hands as Smooth Eddie's raucous laughter got her madder and madder. She thought about pretentious, Master's degree- Hamish, who was constantly correcting her, and how he never introduced her to his so-called friends.

And now he fucking couldn't let her sleep in peace? On Friday, Hamish's pants had been bunched around his ankles, and he'd lay across Thalis's soft jeans...

Thalis had thrashed Hamish until he was weeping, and then she'd gotten him to stand up and she'd stroked his penis till he was on the verge of erupting.

Then she'd taken him over her knee AGAIN. Twenty-five whacks later, he was limp and howling, and she'd brought him up for another impromptu hand job.

She hadn't allowed him to cum that time either, and then had told Ham that they could go on all night with the whipping and alternately the teasing, or he could clean her bathroom...

And then she might fuck him!

Ham had cleaned her entire apartment, having removed his clothes as she'd read her "Cosmo" and made a phone call to her REAL boyfriend.

When he was done, Ham stood in front of Thalis, looking a little silly because she'd made him take off his pants and just do the whole thing in his shirtsleeves.

At one point, when he'd been scrubbing the baseboards, Thalis had observed that he missed a spot.

"You gotta learn, Ham!" Thalis had used a long twiggy branch from the tree across the street to whack Hamish's ass, and the stinging end of the branch had gone right between his legs from the back...

And after he was done cleaning, Thalis had laughed. "Normie called, and he's coming over. Go home and beat your meat, Hamish."

"B-but you promised--" Ham had been staring at Thalis's burgeoning cleavage under her tank top, and his dick was coming up again.

"Or maybe I'll beat your ass again. Get out of here!"

And Hamish, crying like a child being spanked and sent to bed early, and picked up his pants and gone across the hall.

Now, Thalis picked up the thin wooden paddle, and as an afterthought, also took the twiggy branch.

She thought of bringing her dad's old razor strop, which had figured occasionally in her dealings with this annoying neighbor, but then decided to leave it.

Oboy, Hamish has turned on the stereo... "Queen" at eleven thirty on a weeknight?

He'll need more than Freddie Mercury to save him!

Thalis went across the hall. She was wearing a bathrobe over her jammies, nothing sexy, but this wasn't about sex.

Hamish's door was thin and kind of pathetic, like him, and Thalis kicked it open.

Hamish and Smooth Teddy and Cezanne turned, stunned to see Thalis walk in.

"Goddamnit, Hamish. I'm up to work at five-thirty, and you have to entertain this loud? The fuck's wrong with you?"

Smooth Teddy was not used to this sort of scene. (Despite being a big military guy, he'd always been an office geek, and frankly, the club he worked at featured show tunes.)

"Hey, look, lady, we're not--"

"Shut up." Thalis said dismissively. "I've talked to Hamish about this before."

Cezanne looked at the paddle and the switch, and then looked at Hamish, who was blushing.

She smiled, trying to reassure him, but this of course was even more emasculating.

Shit, Thalis can't do this now! Maybe she's just returning my stuff, but why bring the paddle now, in front of my friends?

Thalis went and sat down on Hamish's lone chair. "Take down your pants. You're going to learn to be quiet at least on weeknights."

Hamish tried to laugh. "Look, we'll just cut this short, Teddy and Cez were just leaving--"

"Hey, fuck this chick, man." Smooth Teddy said. "You have a right--"

"Shut up, Biff, or I'll give you the same. Get over here and pull your pants down! Or I'll never spank you again."

Hamish began blubbering, and he unbuttoned his pants. He couldn't believe beautiful Cezanne was watching this, and of course Smooth Teddy, contemptuous Teddy, was the biggest gossip in Buttermilk Falls AA.

Hamish bent across Thalis's robed knees, and his butt shined white in the darkened Deficiency.

WHACK! WHACK! THWACK! SNAP!

As the blows fell, Teddy and Cezanne made their exit. Thalis ignored them, and when she got up she ordered Ham to hang over the desk where he wrote his poetry, and commenced attentions with the switch until it broke.

Then, Hamish fell to his knees, his pants clogging around his ankles, and he covered his eyes and wept softly.

But his penis was bulging and sticking straight out.

"I told Normie, my boyfriend about your loud music, and also how weird you are." Thalis said cruelly. "Next time, maybe I'll have him whip you with the razor strop."

And then, of course, Hamish began masturbating.