Loving Two

While I could appreciate beauty in other women, I never really looked at other girls. I didn't fantasise or ponder on them. Except for Jilly. Whenever she came to mind, I wondered what was happening in her life. Whenever I saw her parents, I would quiz them on how things were going with her. Whenever she and her husband visited home, I would look to make sure that our paths crossed. My continued longing to know what was happening in her life and to see her confused and perplexed me.

Two years after we married Tammy gave birth to our son and another two years on to a beautiful little girl. In keeping up with what was happening with Jilly I learned that, coincidentally, she had also given birth to a boy first, eleven months after ours was born and she too followed a year later with a girl. Our girl and theirs were only born a month and a half apart.

After kids came along, we of course had the 'what would you do if I died?' discussion. Tammie always told me I wasn't to remarry - I was to be her only one. I was just to look after the kids. To start with I took her assertion as a joke but when it came up time and again, I came to believe that she really did mean it. She even said if I didn't do as she said she would come back and haunt me. In the end I could only agree to hold to her demand. In spite of my treating it as a joke, I was quite certain that if I was ever left on my own, I would never look to re-marry - I had found it difficult enough to settle down with one girl. I couldn't imagine going through it all over again. No, my feelings from years ago, that I wasn't really suited for marriage, were probably right.

But the memory of Jilly still occasionally came to mind. What if circumstances meant that we were both single again in the future? It might happen, mightn't it? But even if it were to happen, could I put her through life with me. Would she even want it? No, maybe it would be best just to be friends again. All stupid thoughts but the more often I pondered the unlikely circumstance, the more it seemed I longed for her to be in my life once again. Over time I came to the realization with these thoughts arising again and again that even though I was married to a woman that I undoubtedly loved, that I also still loved another. I didn't still want her, but I did still love her.

It took me a long time to reconcile that fact in my mind. After all, doesn't everyone say when you get married you should only love your spouse? I always thought that that was how it was supposed to be. But it didn't matter how much I tried, the image and memories of Jilly kept jumping into my mind. Not every day, not always every week, but often enough that in the end I knew she would always be in my heart. But it was, of course, something I could never talk to Tammie about.

I know you shouldn't keep secrets from your spouse, but I was sure that this was a topic that was better for both Tammie and myself if I kept it to myself. My wife already displayed enough 'green-eyed monster' without knowing what I was holding back. Although it was often just said in jest, her comments when Jilly's name was brought up were frequent enough to know that there was still a degree of insecurity surrounding my 'past' feelings for her.

In spite of this complication to my peace of mind, life went on and we were very happy and contented together. The children were healthy, as, it seemed, were their parents and life was great. Then the week before my thirty-seventh birthday our world fell apart.

I had noticed a funny shaped spot on Tammie's left shoulder which in the coming weeks was diagnosed as stage three melanoma. Three surgeries and various treatments over the next six months failed to halt the progress of the insidious disease. Of course, family and friends rallied around, but nothing could ease the feeling of hopelessness when we were told that the cancer had reached her spine and then her brain. I sat by useless and helpless as my beautiful and vivacious wife faded before me. Eleven months after the original diagnosis Tammie passed away at home surrounded by her family.

I had tried to shield the children from the pain their mother was going through at the time but at six and four years they were old enough and overheard enough to know that Mummy was very sick and was going to die. When Tammie eventually passed and for the next several weeks, they cried themselves to sleep in my bed as I held them.

Whoever came up with the saying "Time heals everything" was a fool. The next twelve months were so very hard. Our boy didn't want to go to school and our little girl didn't even want to leave the house. Even after a year each of them would regularly turn up in my bed just after I turned the lights off. Seeing and having to deal with the needs of the children at least, to some extent, took my mind off the void that Tammie's death had left in my life. Family and friends tried to help with visiting far more often than they ever had in recent years but once they went home and the children were in bed I was left with my thoughts and dread with how I could keep going on without Tammie instructing me what I should be doing.

Not long after the first anniversary of Tammie's death, I realized another ominous date was fast approaching - our ninth wedding anniversary was a month and a half away. When I thought about it, I decided I didn't want to be in the house when it occurred. I talked to Tammie's parents and they offered us the use of their holiday cottage which was in a little seaside village less than an hour by road north of where we lived. Tammie and I had taken the children there on a few occasions prior to her illness and the children had really enjoyed their last visit there.

A couple of weeks before we were due to depart on our ten day break some friends who we had kept in contact with from the old church youth group invited the children and I to a picnic in a park at a local beach. Although the kids weren't too keen, I decided that it would be good to get them out of the house and maybe mix with some other children. I had become concerned with some things that their kindergarten and school teachers had said to me during parent / teacher interviews that the children were having trouble interacting with their classmates since their Mum passed away. I shouldn't have worried. Within ten minutes of us arriving at the park my two were running around with the others as if they had known them all for years.

As I sat there chatting and watching the children play a car pulled up in the distance and a woman got out with two small children in tow. I watched as they approached and when they were about twenty metres away a shiver went through me and my stomach lurched. I had recognized Jilly coming toward us. It had been at least three, maybe four years since I had last seen her during which time, I knew her family had moved to America where her husband had got a computer tech job. I was astonished at how it appeared she hadn't aged at all since I'd last seen her. If anything, she was even more radiant than I could remember.

The adults sitting around rose as she got to us and she gave a hug to each of those that she obviously hadn't seen in some time. I was the last that she came to and after giving me a long embrace she stepped back while holding my hands. Looking into my eyes she said "Daniel, I was so sorry to hear about Tammie. And I'm sorry that I never got in contact with you back then, but things were... well... I'm just very sorry". I could see tears begin to roll down her cheeks and I had to fight hard to not do the same.

She set up her fold-out chair beside mine and for a time she simply sat beside me and held my hand in both of hers. The warmth of her love and concern was exactly as I remembered her to be, even as a teenager. It turned out to be a lovely afternoon and evening, catching up and reminiscing with old friends. My children seemed to have the most fun they had enjoyed in a long time playing with the other kids and appearing to laugh a lot, which I hadn't seen them do in ages.

I recalled that someone had told me in the period soon after Tammie's original diagnosis that Jilly's marriage had run into trouble and they had separated. Jilly didn't let on too much as we sat there other than to quietly tell me that they had been divorced now for about six months. I expressed my sorrow for her, but she said there was no need for that and that she was sure it would all be for the best in the end. She told me that she had moved the kids back here just over a month ago after finally settling everything with the divorce and ending the school year in America.

As we sat there, she let on that the kids had, of course, taken the divorce very hard. They didn't understand why Mum and Dad didn't want to live together anymore and being as young as they were, she hadn't told them what had caused the break-up. She said she would tell them all when they were old enough to understand.

As the sun was beginning to set the kids all came over to the adults and said they wanted to go for a walk along the beach. A few of us including Jilly and myself volunteered to go down with them to keep an eye on them. As we walked along Jilly moved beside me and said, "Thanks for not asking". I assumed she meant about the circumstances of her divorce, so I replied, "You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to".

She replied, "It's just that everyone usually asks and seem to want to know all the gory details". I tried to give her a sympathetic look but didn't say anything. After a minute where neither of us spoke she quietly said "He was unfaithful. He left me for a woman he worked with. She's ten years younger than me. How could I compete with that?" I replied "You shouldn't have had to compete. He's obviously a fool".

Jilly suddenly grabbed my arm with both hands, and we came to a halt. She looked up at me and while she didn't say anything, I could see a look of gratitude in her eyes for what I had said. While still holding my arm she then leaned up and placed a quick soft kiss on my cheek before laying her head on my shoulder. My mind raced back to that afternoon so many years ago on the ferry when her head was last against my shoulder and for just a moment she was 'my Jilly' again.

As we stood there, she whispered "He isn't the only one who's been a fool". I had no idea what she was referring to, but I didn't question her on it and soon we resumed our walk to catch up with the children. By the time we got back to the park the barbeque had been fired up with burger patties and sausages sizzling away.

The rest of the evening passed enjoyably as I continued to catch up with my old friends. Toward the end of the evening Jilly and I were standing watching the children run around and I mentioned that we were about to have ten days away at the in-law's cottage. I said that it would do the kids good to get away from the house for a while. She said "I know what you mean. Since we've got back it's been pretty tiring and stressful. We're staying at Mum and Dad's at the moment but before too long I'll have to find a job and then we'll have to find a small place for ourselves".

Without thinking it through at all I suddenly blurted out "Well you know you could all come up to the cottage as well for a break". Instantly realizing that the offer sounded awfully forward given our past (or lack of it) I hastily added "I mean you could come for a day. It's less than an hour's drive and the kids seem to have got on so well together". She seemed to look at me with a confused expression before replying "Thanks. I'll give it some thought".

As I went to bed that night I felt like a complete dolt. I was worried she might think that Daniel the serial stalker was at it again. But it seemed I needn't have worried. Jilly obviously didn't take it the wrong way because the next morning as I was cleaning up after breakfast, she called to say she'd take me up on my offer if it was still alright. I said I was sure the kids would love to get together again so we planned for them to come up the second day we were there (after I had got my two settled in). After we hung up, I considered for a minute what we were doing. I reasoned that it would just be a nice get together with my old friend and a fun day with new friends for the children. I assured myself that there would most definitely be nothing more between Jilly and I than friendship. After all Tammie had left strict instructions!

A week later the children and I were greeting Jilly and her's after they pulled up in front of the cottage. The kids were soon off together playing on the swings in the backyard while Jilly and I sat enjoying cups of tea and some danish that she had picked up that morning.

I had been nervous about their visit. Although our reunion the previous weekend had gone well in the group setting, I couldn't help worrying that I might say something that could get her thinking (with both of us single again) that I might want to build a closer relationship again. I didn't want to scare her in that way. I just wanted her friendship.

I know I certainly wasn't thinking that I wanted anything more than friendship. While I could admit to myself that I still loved her, (I didn't believe it would ever go away) I couldn't envisage a close, intimate relationship with her, or anyone for that matter, at that time in my life.

Once again though, Jilly's nature soon put me at ease as we sat and talked. As I sat and listened to her telling me about the joy she had in giving birth to and raising her children I almost felt that we were teenagers again. Back then, as now, I had often just sat back and watched her as she talked in our group, her face and personality warming everyone she interacted with.

Eventually the children went inside and played some console games. Jilly and I continued to chat as we watched them play. We had chicken and salad sandwiches for lunch and after a video and then a rest for the kids we headed off to a nearby bay for a swim at about three-thirty.

Once we got down to the sand the children took their boogie boards and ran off ahead to the water's edge. Jilly and I dumped our gear and towels under some shady trees. As I stood watching the kids, Jilly was just off ahead to my left as she removed her beach wrap. It had been almost twenty years since I had seen her in such attire and I have to say it was worth the wait. She may have been in her late thirties but, as they say, the years had certainly been a friend to her.

She was stunning in the high-cut red one-piece she stood before me in. Given the comfort we had found with each other through the day I was not afraid to let out a low whistle of appreciation. I followed that up by saying "When are you gonna start aging like the rest of us?". She looked over at me and I saw that her face was only a shade less red than her swimsuit. Eventually she summoned a quiet "Don't be ridiculous" before seeming to regard me for a moment, standing there in my boardies and saying, "Well you don't look too bad yourself for someone whose next birthday is the big FOUR-O". I just grinned at her and said we'd better break up the appreciation society and get down to the kids who were, by then, splashing in the waves.

We all had a great afternoon and as the sun was starting to set and a slight chill moved in, we made our way back to the cottage. After everyone had washed off the saltwater I headed off and got fish and chips for dinner which we ate on the front porch looking out across the road toward the beach some hundred metres away. It felt like the perfect ending to the perfect day.

After the kids played another game together Jilly said it was about time for them to head back off home. Her two leapt up saying "Can't we stay Mummy. It's great here". My two joined in pleading with me to let their new friends stay. Jilly looked over at me and shrugged her shoulders before reasoning with her two saying "But where would we sleep? There's only three beds and there'd be six of us". Of course, my two were way ahead of her. They said that two could sleep in the 'big bed' - the main bedroom had a king size bed - two in the 'little beds' (singles) and then they said that the last two could sleep on the roll-out bed which was stored under the big bed. The roll-out was about the size of a double.

Jilly looked horrified that the kids had put me in the situation where I might either be embarrassed to say they couldn't stay or be worried about what her reaction might be if I said they could stay over. Quickly she said to the kids "I don't know. Maybe the adults had better talk alone about it".

To cries of "Please, please" from the kids Jilly and I went out to the porch. As soon as we were alone, she apologised for the forward behaviour of her kids. I laughed and said that they weren't alone there and that I thought mine were just as guilty in the conspiracy. Jilly said that as nice as the thought of having a longer time there was, they really couldn't intrude any longer on my family holiday. After a moment's thought I quietly said that they weren't intruding at all and if anything, they had made it even better for my kids. Jilly peered at me for a moment before I grinned and added "Better for me too". She smiled at that.

After a moment's thought I said that they were welcome to stay over and that the beds wouldn't be a problem. I told her the king bed was big enough for her and both her kids and that I would sleep on the roll-out. I said it would be fine with me, and obviously with the kids so it was up to her to make the decision.

Jilly appeared to ponder for a moment before saying she wanted to just call her parents and OK it with them. I thought that a bit strange given her age but as I overheard snippets of her conversation on the phone, I realized that she didn't want to upset anyone by doing anything they might not approve of. As ever, Jilly was thinking of others and their feelings. The realization of the motive for her call prompted me to make one myself. I grabbed my mobile and called the in-laws. In light of the fact that we were in their cottage and that they still viewed me as their son I thought it only right to let them know, no matter how innocent it was, that Jilly and the kids were going to have a 'sleep-over'. As expected, the mother-in-law was happy to hear of the plans, told me to enjoy the break and to give the kids a kiss goodnight from both of them.

When I finished my call, Jilly said that if I was sure it wouldn't be a problem, they would stay on for just a couple of days. Putting my hand on her forearm I assured her it would be fine and that they could stay as long as they wanted. She smiled warmly at me as we heard a collective cheer from the children inside the house. The little sneaks were obviously listening in on our conversation through the front windows. We grinned at each other before going back in to settle the kids for the night.

Jilly had brought along a fresh change of clothes for them to wear after the swim so she decided they would all just sleep in those. She said she'd slip back home early the next morning and grab some other clothes and things they might need for the extended stay.

Once the children were in bed and asleep, we headed back out to the porch again and sat in the darkness enjoying a glass of white as we watched the curlews dance under the trees. As we sat there enjoying just a quiet, occasional conversation I couldn't help but feel old emotions rising in my chest again. Jilly was so attractive to me, both physically and emotionally, that I just wanted to reach out and touch her. But I didn't. As I sat there, I reminded myself that she wasn't for me. There wouldn't be anyone else for me again. And that was OK; the children would be enough.

In the end it was Jilly who made the physical contact. After finishing her wine, she arose saying she'd better get to bed so she could slip off early and get back before the kids wore me out in the morning. She again thanked me for the offer to stay at the cottage and as I sat there, she bent down and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. My face flushed hot and my stomach churned as I croaked out that it was really no problem and the kids would all have a ball. She seemed to peer at me in the darkness for a moment before turning and heading inside.