Loving Two

Yes, you can love two.

A cathartic tale. This was just something I needed to write down.

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I stood before the large window looking out from the lounge room toward the beach. Although it was probably still an hour before dawn, I could vaguely make out the surrounding landscape as the steady rain fell. But I wasn't really seeing what was before me. I was looking back at memories I had from long ago of Jilly, my first love, and playing over in my mind the conversation we had shared earlier that evening.

I had known Jilly since I was ten years old. Her father used to pick me up to take me to a church youth group on Monday nights. I sat in the front seat beside him while Jilly, a year younger than I and her sister, a year younger still, sang in the back seat as we drove along. They were members of our town's junior choral society and practiced their pieces as we were driven to the church hall. At the time I thought it strange that they did this in front of me but as the years went on and I fell in love with this girl I couldn't hear enough of her singing. To me she had the voice of an angel.

I didn't have much to do with her until a few years later by which time we had both moved into the church's high school youth group. By then we were also attending the same high school. At youth group on Friday nights we became closer as friends and became part of a close-knit group of teens who enjoyed each other's company.

By the time I was fifteen years of age in grade ten I had truly fallen in love with Jilly. She was a small, gentle girl with blue eyes, blonde hair and a faintly olive complexion. I think I can remember the exact moment I knew I loved her. We were at a tea at the church hall late on a Sunday afternoon and as the setting sun streamed in through the western windows, I remember seeing her caught in the sunlight as she walked past. She was wearing a pale blue dress that seemed to float around her. At that moment I was awe-struck by her beauty and I had fallen. From that moment and for many years thereafter she was the only girl I wanted.

But I wasn't the only boy who could see what I saw in her. Jilly started up with a boy around that time and they were together for the next year or so. Over the next few years she had a few different boyfriends while I watched on in hope. Our friendship continued, seeming to get closer, if anything, but it never developed to the extent that I wanted. Friends who knew of my affection for Jilly, encouraged me to 'make a move' when she was between boyfriends, even telling me that she had an affection for me too, but, in truth, I was quite insecure and introverted at that time. Even when the chance arose, I always came up with a reason in my mind why I shouldn't do anything. I think my overriding emotion was that Jilly really was out of my league. She was gorgeous, outgoing and the life of the group while I was a small, skinny kid who, while I loved playing sports was only average in my abilities and maybe only just above average academically.

Come the end of high school I got a job in a bank and when Jilly graduated the following year, she began studies to become a primary school teacher. By my second year out of school I fell into despair over my feelings for this girl. She had been going out with a guy for a couple of years and they looked to be the perfect couple, in my mind maybe even heading toward marriage. He was a really good friend of mine and while I still longed for a chance with Jilly, I didn't want to see him hurt, as I knew he would be if they were to break up.

In the end, my despair over seeing no chance ever with her led me to ask for a transfer in the bank. I soon moved to a small regional city, some four and a half hours by road from home. This move helped to some extent in taking my mind off Jilly. For the first time in my life I had to look after myself doing all the things that my Mum had done for me up to that time (washing, ironing, cooking etc). I had to settle into a new work environment including building relationships with new workmates. I got on quite well with the women at my workplace, even to the extent that some encouraged me to ask out one of the young girls who started there a few months after I did.

But I couldn't really get Jilly out of my head. What if I started going out with this girl from work and Jilly was suddenly available? I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had the feeling that this young girl had got her friends to drop the hint to me as she seemed quite friendly and keen when we were together at work and out socially, but I resisted making any move. I still couldn't cut off the possibility of a future with Jilly. I really was a basket case.

A couple of years went by and over that time I returned home at least monthly on weekends, ostensibly to see my family, but I always made sure I met up with my group of friends from the church and of course, Jilly was in that group. The embers of my feelings for her were kept lit just by seeing her on those occasions.

When she graduated from Teachers' College, I was a little excited to learn that her first posting was to a small mining town just a couple of hours west of the city I was working in. To my sadness at this time I learned that she had broken up with her long-time boyfriend (my good mate) but I resolved that if I got the chance, I would finally let her know how I felt about her.

As she was only a couple of hours away, I hoped that she might come into the 'big smoke' now and then on weekends for something to do and I could show her around and spend some time with her. I got a message to her that she was welcome to stay at my place if she did come in, but I didn't get any positive response to my offer and I reflected that she was probably busy settling into her new job and environment. Eventually she did come into town for a few days, meeting up and staying in accommodation with her cousin who had come down from our hometown. I had much pleasure in showing them around the city and felt like a million dollars when I had them on each arm as I escorted them to dinner at a quaint beach-side restaurant on their last night in town.

Although I was not able to talk to Jilly alone that weekend with her cousin always around, I did feel that there was still hope for me. On occasions when Jilly was returning home for the weekend (which required her passing through my town), we would arrange to share the trip, taking her car or mine on to home. Although there was always another girl with us on these trips (another school teacher from our hometown) I always enjoyed being in Jilly's company and spending those hours with her.

Then I was heartbroken again. A few months into her first year of work while on a trip home she told me that she had started going out with a guy in the town where she worked. I couldn't believe that I had failed again to take the chance while she had been unattached.

Jilly was to turn twenty-one in early June and not long before that we returned home (separately) for a church camp on a nearby island. She seemed to be out of sorts that weekend (maybe being around her former boyfriend) and on the last day said that she would return to the mainland early to get an early start on her drive home. I immediately said I would go back with her with the excuse that I could also make an early start on my drive back home. Of course, I didn't need to leave so early (having a much shorter drive) but I just wanted to be with her. On the ride back on the ferry we sat side by side on a bench and eventually Jilly laid her head on my shoulder. I had no idea at the time why she did that. While we were good friends there had never been any contact like that before. I put my arm around her shoulder, and all was good with the world.

Before we parted to return home, I told her that I hoped she would have a great day for her upcoming birthday. I even got so brave as to suggest I should give her a birthday kiss to which she agreed. I was so nervous that it didn't end up being much of a kiss; just a quick, soft touching of our lips, but as it turned out, that was as close to intimacy as I would get from Jilly for many years.

A few of months later a memo went out at work saying that the bank needed someone to go out to the town Jilly worked in for a couple of weeks to help cover staff who were going on leave. I jumped at the chance and was soon on my way out there. I arrived and met up with Jilly as soon as I could arrange it. Jilly and her boyfriend. I didn't see that they were particularly close - no real affectionate interaction in evidence - but of course he seemed keen to make it clear that Jilly was his. I guess he knew that we had been friends for years, that we shared trips back home and probably figured that any guy who was around Jilly for a while might have an affection for her.

In spite of the attitude I got from him I tried to get together with Jilly as much as I could in the time I was there. She took me along to a couple of different social & sporting events and once again I just enjoyed my time in her presence. Toward the end of my stay I convinced myself that I needed to do something to progress the relationship we had to move to something that was more than 'just friends'. I couldn't keep going along as if I was just a friend who wanted nothing more. I convinced myself that if I told her of the depth of my feelings for her she would see a future for us together and..... happily ever after.

On my last afternoon in town I went around to her place and asked if we could talk privately. Her roommate made herself scarce and I began the spiel that I had written out and practiced over and over. I tried to tell her how wonderful I had always seen her to be and that I had wanted her for so, so long. I told her that I loved her. I said that I understood that she was with someone else at that time but asked that if she was to find herself single again, I hoped that she would think of me. I vowed that I was prepared to wait, for as long as it took.

When I was finished, I waited for a response from Jilly and to this day I can't remember what her response was. I know she didn't fall into my arms as I had hoped; she may have said that she cared for me too; I can't recall. All I do know is that there was no confirmation of reciprocated feelings. As I stood there before her, I was suddenly lost and didn't know what to say or do. In the end I think I may have even apologised for laying all that on her and quickly made my exit.

I was heartbroken. My Jilly didn't love me back. How could she not see that we would be great together? How could she not have also been harbouring secret feelings for me for all these years? I was sure (well, I'd been told by friends) that at one time when we were still in high school she had wanted to get together with me but I'd been too shy or scared or whatever to do anything about it. How could she not now feel as I did?

Yeah, I know, not really rational thinking.

I returned to work and for the next couple of months just went through the motions. I came to the realization that my life, personal and professional, were going nowhere fast. Someone suggested that I could go to uni and get a degree with a view to a new career. After very little consideration I decided I would do just that. I resigned from the bank and moved back home before starting a degree which would lead to qualification as an accountant.

I threw myself into my studies, breezing through the first year and only saw Jilly on the increasingly rare times she returned to visit her parents.

I believed the end of my infatuation for her came soon after she had returned home for a just a few days during school holidays. She had been driven back by her schoolteacher friend so didn't have a car (unless she borrowed her parents'). The carnival was in town and a few of us agreed to go along together. When Jilly said she would need a lift to get there I jumped straight in and volunteered. She may not have been my girlfriend, but I was once again floating on a cloud as we walked around the showgrounds together and sat together on rides.

When she mentioned at the end of the evening that she wanted to get to a couple of shopping centres the next day I again volunteered to be the taxi driver. Although she tried to say that she didn't want to trouble me and would get a bus or something I wouldn't hear any of it. I picked her up the next morning and chauffeured her to where she needed to go. I suppose I was still clinging to the thin hope that she might see me as I hoped she would.

At around lunch time as she came out of a dress shop that she had been looking in, she approached me as I waited for her and said that I could head off if I wanted - she would find her own way home.

Her words suddenly felt like a dagger to my heart. She didn't want to share lunch with me. She didn't need me to drive her around. She hadn't really wanted me to take her around that morning. She didn't want me. She was too nice to say it, but she didn't really want me hanging around.

I insisted that I would take her home and did so, but I knew all hope was gone. I had lost her without ever having her.

Over the next few years I only saw her occasionally, and always in a group environment. I started work in an accountants' office and she transferred to a school far away in the state capital. When I had to travel down there to work for a week, I met up with her (and yet another new boyfriend) on a couple of occasions for drinks and a meal. While it was good to see my friend once again and while she was still, in my eyes, as beautiful and uplifting as ever to be around, I had given up on my hope and was only left with a revived sense of melancholy when we parted.

I had reached my mid-twenties and hadn't had a girlfriend. I had loved but had had no girlfriend. I was busy at work and enjoyed playing tennis and soccer on weekends and eventually I became largely content with my life. At some point I evaluated my life and accepted that some people didn't get married. I thought I would be one of them. Having felt as I did for Jilly, I didn't believe that I would ever find someone I could settle down with. How could they possibly measure up to the standard she set? She was beautiful and so uplifting to be around and my heart still ached when I thought of her. But I was content with the thought of a solitude life, living on my own and even doing things like going to the movies on my own didn't worry me at all. I could live with that.

And then the miraculous happened. A number of new people had come into my social group. Two of them were sisters, the elder being five years younger than me. At first I didn't really pay much attention to Tammie. I had noticed her; she looked great in a swimsuit, but I certainly wasn't looking for anyone. Then I received a phone call. The younger sister asked if I would like to go out to a concert with her sibling. I was astounded. In twenty-something years no-one had wanted me to go out with them. I surprised myself when I found myself accepting the offer.

We dated on a regular basis for the next couple of years before Tammie accepted my proposal of marriage as we stood on a moonlit beach while on a weekend getaway. Work and professional studies kept me busy throughout our engagement. But that was alright - it just meant I could leave a lot of the wedding planning up to those who would have had the final say anyway - my fiance and her mother.

A few months into our nine-month engagement we had a visit one evening while I was out at Tammie's parents' place. Jilly and the boyfriend I had met some time ago were in town and came around to let us know they were also now engaged. Momentarily my heart sank. What was it I was feeling? Disappointment? Sadness? How could I be feeling anything but happiness at this time? I was in love with a girl who loved me, and we were to be married in six months.

I smiled and congratulated the happy couple, hoping that no-one could see the turmoil rolling through me. I glanced at Tammie and she was looking straight at me with a strangely neutral expression.

Jilly and her guy told us that their wedding was scheduled for almost six months after our own and would be held in the city where they lived as his parents were there and they had established a circle of friends down there. We were to receive an invitation to attend.

After they had left Tammie and I went upstairs to watch some TV by ourselves. After a little while Tammie quietly said, "So what do you think of their news?". I didn't know what she would be getting at, so I just replied, "It's great, of course". She came back "Not disappointed? Not upset?". "No. Why should I be?" I replied. "Julie (Jilly's cousin) told me. She told me you were in love with her. You know she warned me against even going out with you?". Her words made my head spin. My stomach lurched. What should I say?

After a moment's thought I replied, trying to downplay the feelings I had harboured for more than ten years "Yes, I did have a bit of a crush on her when we were young. But that was long ago. I'm marrying you, not her." as I kissed the top of her head. Thankfully, this seemed to satisfy her as she moved closer and cuddled into my side.

Tammie might have been reassured, but I don't think I was at that moment. Seeing Jilly again and hearing her news somehow just tore at the pit of my stomach. My mind raced even as I went to bed that night and it was a long time before I finally fell asleep.

The next few months up to our wedding flew by and before I knew it, I was standing at the altar watching my beautiful bride walk down the aisle to join with me. Jilly had occupied my mind occasionally in the intervening months but thankfully the gnawing in my stomach had eased as time went by.

Jilly and her fiance had been invited to our wedding, but they said that due to their upcoming nuptials and I expect, the cost of coming back just for that weekend they sent their apologies. Tammie didn't seem at all upset when the apology was received. I recall at the time when we were deciding who to invite that there was even some resistance from her to extending the invitation in the first place. I had to argue that irrespective of any past feelings I had for her she had always been a very good friend of mine.

The wedding went off without a hitch and after quite an enjoyable honeymoon we started settling into married life. I guess I could describe our love life as 'difficult'. Tammie had little more experience than my none, so it was pretty much a case of the blind leading the blind. I don't think either of us found it to be the glorious part of a new marriage that it probably should be.

We didn't attend Jilly's wedding either. While part of me really wanted to get down there another part was a little relieved when Tammie's family planned a trip to visit to visit relatives in the town where she grew up in another state that clashed with the wedding date.

I found married life, in general, difficult to adjust to. After years of basically being on my own and accepting that I would only ever have to look after myself, suddenly someone else seemed to want my attention 24/7 or at least whenever we were at home together. Going for a walk on my own or staying up a bit later than my spouse to watch the football was not how to keep the missus happy. And probably rightly so. After all, we were newlyweds and I should have been giving greater priority to her desires and needs. All in all, I don't think I was that great a husband. I wanted to be, but I had become so ingrained in my solitary lifestyle that I found it difficult constantly attending to another's needs.

So, it wasn't always great, but we survived some difficult early years. I learnt to pay more attention to my wife and over time I know my love for her grew stronger and stronger. Tammie, for her part, amazed me. In spite of my numerous and obvious flaws she displayed a strong, and ever forgiving love for me. As the years went by our love and comfort with each other grew and grew.