All Comments on 'Mandy and Her Mommy Ch. 01'

WOW! Just WOW!

The basic outline is OK, but the dialogue reads stilted, and the pace of the plot comes off as melodramatic, especially with how quickly Victoria came around. Swapping POV mid-scene, especially first-person, is always risky; given most of the story is Victoria's perspective, I would've stuck with her throughout.

It was good, a little confusing at times, looking forward to more chapters

You’re doing what we writers call head hopping. Extremely difficult to do even for the best of us. And with your story, completely unnecessary. This would have been a very nice story if you just stuck to Victoria’s first person perspective. OR wrote it in third person past tense.

On the plus side, the writing was good, but I personally would have preferred more detail as to WHY Mandy was in love with her mother. Keep writing though!!!

Great