Maximum Badonkadonk Ch. 11

"Don't embarrass me."

My father warned before we got out of the car. My uncle Grady was in his early seventies and quite well off financially speaking. I guess my dad thought he was going to get some off that cheddar once he croaked, so he usually brown nosed much to my chagrin.

"GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA REPORT THIS TO THE HOMEOWNERS COMMITTEE, ESTHER!!" The first thing we saw after exiting the car was some white guy complaining to my uncle's very understanding third wife. Esther was the problem solver because my sedentary uncle couldn't be bothered.

"Yes I understand Mr. McCarthy; you're well within your rights and maybe we should've notified you that family were coming over this afternoon. I get it, you're absolutely right to report your concerns, but even if you do, I would still like to compensate you for the inconvenience."

"THIS IS AGAINST THE RULES AND-oh, compensate?"

"Yeah, what else can I do Kevin? I don't want any bad blood between us and maybe you could use a little extra pocket change in the interim. Do you have cash app, or some other method of receiving instant funds. I want to make sure you're paid before I return to my guests." After that, the neighbor seemed placated as they huddled close together further conversation now little more than mumbling.

"Damn dad, guess auntie got a handle on it, huh?"

I turned finding myself abandoned on the sidewalk in front of Uncle Grady's home. I folded my arms feeling the abandonment knowing he was probably already brown nosing my uncle.

I glanced back towards my aunt getting an eyeful of her figure from the back. She was a southern girl transplanted from Oklahoma proper retaining her thick southern accent. The way she spoke was uniquely disarming while her facial features skewed comparison wise towards this singer named Macy Gray. From her shoulders to her lower back, her figure was a perfect rectangle, but below that was this really thick, floppy looking butt.

It was a perfect heart shape longer than it should be with a visible crease where it met her thighs. Esther was wearing these skin tight, distressed knee length jeans. I kid you not, the way those jeans were stuffed reminded me of sausage casings. That oversized inverted heart looked almost fake as Esther regarded me.

"How long you been there?" She asked with a gregarious welcoming smile.

I couldn't help but focus on the smattering of freckles covering her nose and cheeks. My irritated mother sometimes called them blackheads after my dad had been caught staring at a rare joint family function.

"Long enough to see you bribe the racism out of that guy."

"Kevin's not that way; so, your father's already back there skinning and grinning up in my husband's face, huh?"

Esther was wearing this paisley halter, the kind that looked like a bandanna tied around her torso. Her boobs were nice from a clothed standpoint, but I wondered if they sagged underneath. She was a bit under half of Uncle Grady's age at forty seven.

"You know it."

"Come on, let's get you a plate." Esther gave me a look that hinted of her awareness that I was possibly checking her out. She draped an arm around my shoulder walking us between the parked cars in her driveway towards the elongated backyard at the rear of the house.

"Aren't you in college already?"

"Some classes next month; uhm, taking film and writing." I half mumbled.

"OH, YOU'RE GONNA BE RICH ONE DAY, HUH?!!" Esther gave me a little squeeze of affirmation that wiped out my dad's hard work during the trip to her home.

"I hope."

"You're gonna make it; don't doubt yourself. So tell me, you gotta girlfriend?"

"Several."

Esther chuckled as we entered the packed backyard finding my Uncle Grady holding court in the center of the yard surrounded by a number of hopefuls including my father who stood behind his lawn chair. He was, indeed, skinning and grinning at this backyard barbecue.

My cousin Tommy the guest of honor, no showed his own party. It was explained he was across country on some bonding trip with his future teammates on the basketball team.

Some of my relatives grumbled that he was separating from the family because he was going to be in the NBA. Other than some light chatting with a few of the older people there, I was persona non gratis with my peers. I repeatedly got looks of indifference and even mild annoyance prompting me to take an available seat at my uncle's table.

"Hey boy, how you doing?" Stevie Wonder's "AS" was blasting in the background as I leaned over shaking his big mitt-like hand. My uncle loved the oldies and had good musical tastes.

"I'm good, just having a nice summer."

"Don't you think you should be working instead of mooching off your folks? The first thing I instilled in my boys Randy and Sean were self-sufficiency and purpose. They both already own homes, Sean got a nice looking wife with some big legs and done gifted me some nice grandbabies. Randy just got promoted down at the bank, you should see his woman too, big ones like melons. Tommy gotta beat them off with a stick because he light skinned. Your dad tells me you got some fat little thang calling her your woman and such. Better use protection cause your mamma ain't gonna let you lay up in that house with a pregnant jump off."

"Thank you sir." I looked across the table at my dad's face finding it devoid of emotion.

"You stop riding your nephew and eat up some of this good cooking." Esther appeared setting a stuffed plate down before her husband with another which she put in front of me.

"What I tell you about meddling in men's business?"

"I don't recall, but you kin tell it to me tonight before you sleep on that there couch in the living room." Esther offset his power play with a tug of his snow white beard and an extended peck on the cheek that left my uncle smiling.

"We gonna talk about it before I sleep on that there couch; for a real long time Esther girl." He retorted.

"Oh you gonna take more than one blue pill?" There wasn't a hint of attitude or anger in her voice still jovial and inviting to the ear.

"Gone git up outta here; don't you got someplace to be with those little friends of yours?"

"I'm a moving poppa."

Uncle Grady gave her big, elongated butt a loud, wet smack from his palm that made it jiggle a little as his sycophants around the table chortled and jeered. Most of our eyes followed the sway of those buttocks as she walked back towards the house.

"Every time she leave, I remember why I married her." The table sans myself burst into uproarious laughter.

My gaze drifted down focusing on the plate in front of me with some ribs, hotlinks and generous helpings of potato salad offset by a chunk of baked mac & cheese. To the others sitting there I probably looked like a homeless person unfairly allowed a place at my uncle's table. Their conversation went the way of the dinosaur becoming indecipherable gibberish as I fished out my phone watching some videos online. Actually I was bristling at my father's continued betrayal feeling he'd stepped way out of line to continue currying my uncle's favor. I found that I couldn't look him in the face.

"BOY!"

"Uhm, yeah dad?" He was sitting there glowering as I realized my uncle spoke to me.

I looked around the table finding a number of my relatives watching our interaction. I glanced to my right finding this dark-skinned woman sitting there with a baby eating some carrot sticks from her plate. Uncle Grady looked beyond pissed.

"Hey, you know how rude it is to sit at a table with people looking at your phone?" I leaned back in my chair looking from the phone to his face.

"You're absolutely right Uncle Grady." I pushed out from the table stalking off through the crowded yard.

More relatives and their peers arrived since I had a seat. About a good seven feet out, I glanced back finding my dad in the process of standing up at the table. The look on his face told me he meant business and I wasn't having none of that nonsense. I lost myself in the people wondering if some of them even knew whose house this was. I actually squatted down watching my father walking about looking for me getting near one of the cars parked on the other side of the yard.

"Fuck that noise."

I went to the opposite side of Uncle Grady's house finding this narrow walkway between it and the two car garage. Leaning into the edge of the house I peered back finding my father angrily walking back to the table finding his chair taken by someone else. My uncle was playing with a small child, bouncing the kid on his lap. Dad probably thought he could get it in with me on the drive back to my house. I resolved to get out of there pulling up my Uber account. My signal was bad on this side of the two story home as I was distracted by some chattering at my back.

Three boys ranging in age from twelve to one chubby kid who looked fifteen were loitering around a cinderblock with one standing on it. I recognized the kid standing on the cinderblock with his fingertips digging into the windowsill. It looked as if he were trying to climb into the window. This kid was one of the children of that dark skinned sister who'd been sitting beside me. All of them looked excited and preoccupied failing to notice me standing there. I definitely wasn't hiding, but they were laser focused on whatever was inside the window as I inched over behind all three of them.

"He's always out showing his butt and I'm getting tired of that noise! Yeah, he's always got people over here with these dumbass parties and by gawd Lucy; I got one foot out the door and the other one on a fucking banana peel! Yeah well, he ain't got nothing for me in that there will of his, and I got my name on some of them there insurance policies!! I make my own damn money; he don't give me nothing outside of that cocktail weenie between his legs once a month!"

The thick as molasses southern drawl of my auntie Esther was unmistakable as I got up on my tip toes peering into the window.

I got way more than I bargained for staring directly at Esther's big, floppy elongated buttocks in a pair of bikini briefs with a paisley print. I guess that was her thing noticing the ridiculous nature of the large, inverted heart shape of her cheeks. Her age was evident in the patterns of visible stretchmarks at her lower back also framing her overly wide hips and cheeks. I noticed a few freckles on that incredible rear that kind of blended into her orangish, auburn skin tone. Esther was somewhere in the middle between a yellow bone and redbone.

I figured she was getting darker as she aged like a lot of lighter sisters tended to do. Esther looked like she'd just got out of the shower talking on her phone while holding a towel over her breasts. Her figure was a perfect hourglass outside of her butt which looked like it had been removed from her back inflated two or three times and reattached. I got out my phone filming the aspiring peeping toms, before flicking my middle finger against the noggin of their ring leader.

"What're you doing Mike?" He whispered looking at the partner in crime to his right.

"No boys, I'm doing all the shit." I still had my phone out filming as all three flinched eventually facing me in that narrow walkway.

"WE WASN'T DOING NOTHIN!" The chubby kid blurted out earning an angry shove from his friends. I kept filming the exchange looking between their faces.

"Cut it out boys; I got all this shit on camera so I know what you were doing. Look I know what it's like at your age with hormones and everything but unfortunately it's a different time right now. You can't do stuff like that anymore without consequences. You wanna be locked up on some nonsense, huh?"

"NO!" All three replied in unison, heads hung low.

"I'm gonna hold on to this so don't get no ideas about snitching me out, because your mammas could find out real easy. You guys wanna test that out right now, huh?"

"No sir, please don't snitch on us." Little Mike commented while one kid glared obviously furious that he hadn't been afforded the opportunity to peep.

"You're not old enough for this to be considered snitching ; beat your feet boys." Two of them ran around the side of the house into the thick crowd, while little Mike lingered.

"Aw you know you gonna peek too, you ain't fooling nobody."

"So, I'm just snitching on you instead of keeping it a buck between us, right? There's like a whole table full of old ladies around the corner; how would you like them to see what you were doing to Uncle Grady's wife?"

"I'm going." He kicked a rock turning the corner bristling. I chuckled as I was about to delete the footage.

"How long have you been there?" The hair on the back of my neck stood up at the motherly sound of Esther's voice.

I glanced over my shoulder finding her upper half hanging out of the window grinning at me like I was caught in the act. She'd taken the time to wrap a red silk robe around her body, but one of her boobs was visible in its entirety. Esther had a really nice medium sized areola topped with a thick nipple. She followed the trajectory of my gaze covering up appropriately. I felt like my goose was cooked.

"It's not what it looks like auntie."

"OH REALLY?!" She was amused resting her chin on her elbow still grinning at the anxious expression on my face.

"Yeah uhm, you see these kids were back here peeking at you after you got out of the shower and uh, I stopped them. Uh, I got it filmed, I-mean I got those little perverts on camera doing it. Don't worry though, I got rid of them and everything."

I was stammering because Esther was one of those women who had a complete poker face despite whatever was going on in their heads. I recalled family gossip of her stomping out Uncle Grady's wife number two for the audacity to show up on his doorstep with her suitcase. Supposedly she even finessed the sheriff's department out of arresting her that day.

Now, she was leaning out of her bedroom window staring at me with a smile that reminded me of a gator.

"I knew I shouldn't have taken the air conditioning unit out of this here window. I want you to be real with me or there's gonna be consequences. What did you hear just now?" Her tone didn't change a lick, but I got her meaning.

"I guess you mad at Uncle Grady."

"...and?"

"Uhm, one foot out the door, and the other uh, on a banana peel, Auntie Esther?" I framed my answer like a question trying to soften the blow as I played back her conversation in my head finding the forbidden nuances inset. My eyes flashed unwittingly the revelation of a possible motive for her marriage to my uncle.

"Damn boy, I knew I shouldn't have taken this air conditioner out of the fucking window. Come over here, I wanna talk to you for a minute." She beckoned me towards her with a curved pointer finger, still smiling.

"Hold that thought." I backed away a few steps peering around the corner at the backyard. That little shit Mike was blabbing to my dad pointing in my direction. My father stood up looking pissed as Mike tugged at his wrist.

"OH SHIT!" I withdrew bolting down the narrow space between the house and garage. I would've cleared the window but Esther reached out snagging my collar.

"HOLD UP, WE'RE TALKING!" She was more forceful in tone this time.

"DAD'S COMING; HE'S GONNA BEAT MY ASS!!" I was in full blown panic, but Esther redoubled her grip getting a handful of my t-shirt until my navel was exposed.

"GET UP IN THIS HERE WINDOW, HURRY!!" She ordered, looking worried as well.

"BUT?!!"

"SHUT YOUR HOLE AND DO AS I SAY BOY!!" I had to follow her direction or risk running off leaving my torn shirt in her hands.

That would make for an interesting situation with my already pissed off father and everyone else if Esther walked up out of the house with the ripped up garment in hand. I hopped up on that cinderblock below her window finding it a bit wobbly under my weight. Esther accommodating as ever leaned over grabbing the back of my jeans mid-hop as I did a vertical jump.

Things went loopy for a second as I faceplanted inside the window onto my head. Esther was partially responsible stronger than she appeared quickly yanking the rest of my body inside the window. She bodied me over to the side as I flopped down on the hardwood floor. I crumpled into a ball looking right up into the underside of her inflated buttocks, stretchmarks, freckles, and all.

"OH HELLO THERE; SOMEBODY IS LOOKING ALL TENSE AND EVERYTHING!!"

"Hey Esther; you wouldn't happen to have seen my son back up around here?" My father sounded gassed but changed his tone upon addressing my uncle's wife.

Esther's butt got bigger from my perspective as she leaned further outside the window talking with my dad.

"Well I don't rightly know if I should speak on it considering how surly you're looking right now. You intend on laying hands on that son of yours, eh?"

"Come on Esther; you know how it is with these damn kids these days. They get a little height on you and suddenly they're mouthing off. We just gotta have a talk is all, Esther. You see my boy, huh?" I was scared to death knowing she could toss me to the proverbial sharks if she wanted.

"You gonna whup him?" There was a long pause.

"Well, I'm gonna go on back to the yard there and hang with Grady." My dad folded not wanting to create bad blood with Esther.

"Hey, I tell you what; I'll find him and uhm, bring him back to his house for you. You two need some time to cool off; I hate seeing such a fine strapping man all a flustered and everything."

"Oh that's alright, I can take him home."

"I insist, besides maybe he needs some space and maybe you do too; I talk with Grady about things like this a lot, you know what I'm saying, huh?" Another long pause followed as strains of "Don't You Forget It" by Glenn Lewis wafted through the air intermingled with muffled chatter and laughter coming from the backyard.

"Well thank you very kindly Esther." My father's own southern twang was noticeable in that tiny instant. He'd worked decades to submerge it, but it popped up when he was overly emotional. I started to move, but Esther nudged me with her bare foot.

"Think nothing of it, now get on back there and enjoy yourself!" Her tone was glib throughout their exchange.

Esther remained propped up in the window likely watching my dad walk off while I lay there unavoidably admiring the decadent bulge of her cheeks eating up those paisley printed panties. My gaze drifted upward finding her staring down at me aware of my actions. She stepped directly over my chest walking across the room to her bedroom door locking it before turning to me. I recovered standing up noticing the deadbolt on the door while her hand was still on the knob.

"Uhm, thanks." I averted my gaze scratching the back of my head as she walked over doing a tight circular path around me that made it appear she was checking me out. Esther stopped in front of me tightening the sash on her robe with a smile.

"So, you eavesdropped on my conversation, huh?"

"Uh, didn't mean to; I was trying to get away from my dad, obviously. Hey, it's no big deal because I didn't really hear anything."

"But you heard enough youngster and that means we got us a situation here."

"Nuh no auntie; we ain't got no situation here ma'am." I felt like running from the room, but the door was deadbolted.

"You know what I used to do for a living?"

"You don't have to tell me." I begged off as she played with the sash on her robe.

"I kind of worked in corporate mediation, do you know what that is, huh?"

"Sort of ma'am."

"Basically I was a fixer of problems no matter how bad up until I forgot to dot an I and cross a T, kiddo. So, my upper level five figure salary went into that there wood chipper. You'd be surprised what you'd do to keep up a standard of living you'd become accustomed to, ain't that right?"