Meaningful, Meaningless Sex

So that was it... decided. I was going to break the habit of a lifetime and not let my reticence get the better of me. Make a change, stick my neck out, roll the dice for a guy I hardly knew - but the one who'd shown me more kindness and understanding than all the others put together.

This was my moment - my moment in time.

-

An hour later, I arrived at the farmhouse, clutching a small bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine. I'd very nearly chickened out on the walk over, but I'd made it! There I was, knocking on the wooden front door.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity. It was a hot day, but as I stood there in the full glare of the sun, I shivered with nerves. I ran my hands over my arms - they were covered in goosebumps.

I was about to give up, to turn tail and flee, when I heard the sound of paws approaching - claws lightly tapping on the tiled floor inside. It was Paco! He gave a soft whine - enquiring who was visiting.

"Paco," I said quietly, "it's me, it's Lucy."

The dog gave three short barks of acknowledgement then raced away. There was another long wait. So long, I was beginning to wonder if he really had gone to find his master or if he'd just retreated to his bed.

The door swung open.

My jaw dropped.

Nicolás was standing there, bare-chested, shirt casually slung over his shoulder. He was gorgeous! I stood, rooted to the spot, incapable of speech. My eyes drank in the vision of masculine magnificence before me - those beautiful chestnut eyes, high cheekbones and perfectly chiselled jaw - all framed by the flowing curls of his jet-black hair. He was tall, dark and handsome. I felt my heart beat a little faster.

"Er hi," I stuttered, fumbling for my words. "I came to say thank you, for yesterday, for helping me - I brought you these." I proffered the flowers and the wine.

There was a moment's pause - my heart skipped a beat. A broad smile broke out across his face and a wave of relief swept over me.

"Come in," he said, accepting my gifts. He stood aside to let me through. Paco led me excitedly down the hallway, tail wagging from side to side.

"How is your ankle?" Nicolás asked. I could feel him watching for a limp as I walked ahead of him.

"It's fine, fully recovered, thank you. You have healing hands," I replied, turning to face him as he set the flowers down on the kitchen table.

We looked at each other for a few seconds, each waiting for the other to speak. I could tell my face and chest were flushed. He was so good looking! I wanted to throw myself at him, to shower him with kisses and strip off his clothes, but I couldn't - I just couldn't - not yet anyway.

"Would you like a drink?" he asked.

I shuddered with delight - his deep bass voice and Spanish accent were so sexy!

"I have some lemonade," he offered.

"Yes please," I nodded enthusiastically. Nicolás could have presented me with untreated sewage and I'd have accepted without hesitation.

"Would you sit outside?" he asked pointing to the back door. "Paco would like you to join him."

The dog was staring up at me, wagging his tail.

"I'll come right out," he said. I noticed he occasionally slipped an American-sounding phrase into his conversation.

I sat down on the sun lounger and made a fuss of Paco. We didn't have pets at home, but something told me that my quest to claim Nicolás' heart required the approval of his dog.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a few items on the table. There was a sketch pad with a few pencils. Paco slipped away to lie down in the shade and I moved across to have a look.

I opened the cover. Nicolás was a talented artist - there was no doubt about that. The first few were drawings of Paco, beautifully executed, capturing his personality as well as his likeness. Next there was a still life and a couple of rough landscape scenes, mostly looking out to sea.

I looked up. Nicolás was coming out of the kitchen carrying a jug and some glasses. He saw me looking at his sketch pad and he froze.

"Are these yours?" I asked. "They're really good." I turned the final page.

"N-n-no you can't," he gasped in horror.

But it was too late. Staring up at me was a pencil sketch of a teenage girl, with long dark hair and a shy smile. It wasn't was it? But it was! My heart jumped for joy.

"Is this me?" I asked.

He looked down and nodded.

"I am sorry, I am embarrassed," he said.

"No don't be embarrassed," I cried. "It's amazing, I love it!"

"You do?" he said a little suspiciously.

I nodded vigorously.

"You gotta let me draw you now!"

He smiled thoughtfully and began to pour out the lemonade.

"Yes, OK," he replied.

-

"You are looking forward to going to university?" he asked.

We were still at the round table. Nicolás had brought me some pencils and fresh paper, and was sitting graciously opposite me, so I could draw him.

"Yup, I can't wait," I said enthusiastically.

"And you're going to Der-ham?" he asked.

"Durham," I corrected him. "It's not said as it's spelled."

"I am sorry," he said humbly. "My English is not so good."

I shook my head. "Your English is excellent - it's really good."

His face lit up - that meant a lot to him.

"And Durham - it is in the north of England?" he asked.

I nodded - I wondered if he'd looked it up.

"It is a big city?"

"No, it's tiny," I answered. "There's a cathedral, a castle and the university - that's it, pretty much. The castle's part of the university."

"It must be very old," he observed.

I nodded. To my shame I didn't know as much about my future hometown as I should. I pretended to concentrate on drawing.

"And your friend," he asked. "She is going to study at Durham too?"

I shook my head. "No, she will be in Exeter - in the south west. It's a long way from Durham."

"You do not spend time with her - here in Spain?" He looked puzzled.

I hesitated. "She's interested in other things," I said. I'd let Nicolás read into that whatever he wanted.

"She likes to drink and dance?" he suggested.

I nodded.

"And you not so much?"

I nodded again. I was in danger of seeming boring.

"But you came here together, you and...?"

"Ellie," I said. "Her name's Ellie." I was about to add that she was my best friend, but I wasn't sure anymore.

"And you have known her a long time?" he asked.

"Since we were eleven. We're at the same school."

"She does not know you are here?"

I looked up sharply. He was right - but why would he think that? Did I look like the secretive type?

"She's met someone - a guy. She's spending a lot of time with him," I explained.

"Here in Spain, or was this before?" He was enjoying the gossip.

"Three days ago - here," I told him. "His name's Jordan."

"Jordan," he said slowly. "Jordan," he repeated.

I looked up sharply. "You know him?"

Nicolás shook his head.

"You like him? Is he good for her?" he asked.

"He's big and muscly - that's what she likes. But he's too old for her. I mean he says he's 21, but he looks much older."

I put my pencil down, picked up my phone and scrolled through my photos. I'd secretly taken a photo of Ellie and Jordan together, the first night we'd been clubbing. Tellingly she'd refused to let me take a proper posed one later that night.

"Look," I said, handing Nicolás the phone. "That's Jordan there. There's no way he's 21."

I'd been expecting Nicolás to merely glance at the screen, but he picked the phone up and studied it intently for several seconds.

"I think you are right," he said slowly. "He is older."

He was silent for a few seconds.

"And do you like him? Is he good for her?" He asked again.

"He's awful," I snorted. "He's rude, selfish, he shouts a lot. But Ellie thinks he's fun for the week. She'll forget all about him as soon as she goes home."

Nicolás said nothing. He stared out into the cove for a few minutes, thinking deeply. I suspected he strongly disapproved.

"Would you like to eat some lunch with me?" he asked, suddenly breaking the silence.

I looked up from my drawing in surprise. I'd kinda assumed I'd go back to the hotel for lunch with Ellie, but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to spend more time with Nicolás.

"Er, yes please," I responded. "If that's OK?"

He nodded.

"I need to go to the sheep," he explained. "I will take about twenty minutes. Then I will come back and prepare the food. If you need me, Paco will find me."

-

I walked back to the hotel. Nicolás had offered to take me on his motorbike, but I'd politely declined the ride - I'd imposed too much already. It was late afternoon, but still baking hot. I stayed close to the side of the road, making as much use of the limited shade as I could.

Nicolás had been the perfect host. He put together a simple lunch - some salad, bread and cold gazpacho soup that he'd prepared earlier. Then we'd taken his motorboat across to the island at the mouth of the cove. We'd swum and sunbathed as we chatted and laughed together.

I was falling for him, I knew it. For the first time in my life, I was properly falling for a guy. I'd known him less than two days, but already I knew he was perfect. And he liked me too - I could tell. We'd brushed arms a couple of times, let that 'accidental' skin-to-skin contact last just a little too long - and I'd seen him discretely checking me out as I danced in front of him in my bikini.

But he just wasn't the guy to go for cheap, no-strings sex - even if I did try to hand myself to him on a plate. He wanted love and romance as part of a proper relationship, not some meaningless one-night stand. Not that we'd talked about it - I just knew.

And that that made me want him all the more.

So I had another 'nearly boyfriend'. This time - for the first time - he was a serious 'nearly boyfriend'. But still only a 'nearly boyfriend'. That warm feeling in my heart got me no closer to losing my virginity. That was the problem - I could go visit Nicolás every day until the flight home, but we'd never make it upstairs to his bed. He was too much of a gentleman.

Was that what I wanted - deep down? Companionship to keep me occupied while Ellie made full use of the hotel room? Not really. I'd come to Spain with one purpose in mind - if I didn't lose my virginity this week, when would I lose it? Nicolás was marriage material for sure, but he wasn't a cheap snog or a one-night stand.

But there was one guy who was ready and willing. Dave wasn't perfect, but nobody is. He was attentive enough - he'd be gentle. If I dithered any longer, I risked losing even him - I'd definitely be the only virgin at uni. All I needed to do was get drunk, get into bed and get it over with - just shut my eyes as he prodded me with his short, weedy dick, while I thought about somebody else.

Was that my answer? To get wasted, lie under Dave and pretend he was Nicolás? Surely that was the worst of all - wasn't that cheating them both? But If I really did want to get my first time over with, I could see no other way. The handwringing had to stop - I had to decide. No chickening out this time.

-

"Where have you been?"

Ellie was fuming - I'd never seen her looking quite so pissed off.

"Er, I went for a walk," I stuttered. "I left you a note," I added meekly.

She gave me a look of withering contempt.

"But your ankle," she hissed, jabbing a bony finger towards my foot. "If it was hurting too much to go clubbing last night, you're not telling me you miraculously recovered this morning."

That felt like a punch to my stomach - my best friend was accusing me of lying.

"But I wasn't walking all the time," I protested. "I did some drawing."

I could see the anger welling up in her. She walked over to the breakfast table and picked up my dusty, dog-eared sketch pad - the one that Nicolás had rescued.

"You were drawing?" she asked, shaking the pad at me. "What with - the sand on the beach?"

I tried to interject, tried to explain, but she was unstoppable.

"Honestly Lucy - you tell me you wanna get laid, we come out here, I find you a nice guy, and then you run off and decide you don't wanna know. I mean for fuck's sake - do you really wanna be the only virgin at uni?"

"But it's not like that," I interjected.

She gave me an almost contemptuous look.

"I was kinda with someone," I said, not entirely sure what to tell her about Nicolás "a guy - I met him yesterday, when I was walking. He's from the farm on the headland."

"You have?" she asked, her demeanour suddenly changing - surprised but pleased. "And is this serious, is he gonna be the one?"

I shook my head - there was no point pretending.

"I thought he might," I said flatly. "But it's not gonna happen."

Ellie put her arm around me. She could see the disappointment in my eyes. She squeezed me against herself.

"Dave's nice," she said softly. "He really is. And he cares about you. He's good looking, you like him... You need to give him a chance."

I let out a big sigh.

"I dunno," I said. "I'm just not feeling it with him."

"You need to give him a chance," she said again. "Promise me you'll come out tonight - come clubbing." She attempted a warm smile. "Let him buy you a drink. You're a good fit - you'll be a cute couple - I'm sure he'll do everything right."

"Ok," I nodded, resigning myself to the inevitable. "I will give Dave a chance - I will come out. But it's not gonna be tonight - maybe tomorrow, but I'm not sleeping with him tonight."

-

I'd decided to go for it. I rapidly downed two glasses of white wine, just as Ellie had the previous evening, and got through the meal with a fuzzy haze swirling around my head.

Jordan was boasting again, but somehow I minded less. We were all going out on his boat the following day - he insisted. We'd love it - a couple of others were joining us too. He knew somewhere quiet - we'd have a beach to ourselves. We'd swim, toss a ball around, barbecue - then come back and hit the clubs.

Dave had been less suffocating once he'd heard my ankle was healing and I'd even found myself enjoying his company a little. Towards the end of the meal I felt him rest his hand on my thigh and to my surprise, I didn't push him away.

We danced. That's always the good thing about loud music - you can't talk. Dave had bought me two more drinks by the time he leaned in for his first kiss - for my first EVER kiss. It was awkward, but first kisses always are - or so I'd heard. We bumped teeth a few times and Dave made these jerky, stabbing motions with his tongue. But that was OK, we'd find our rhythm, we had plenty of time to practise.

We walked back to the hotel around three, arms round each other's waists. Several times we stopped to lock lips in secluded doorways - letting Ellie and Jordan get ahead.

Up the stairs he escorted me, to the door of the apartment - told me he'd had such a special night, wondered innocently if I'd like to come back to his. Mike was with Bethany, he said - he had the place to himself. He'd be lonely on his own.

I fluttered my eyelashes and politely declined, but gave him a final peck on the cheek. Waving coquettishly, I watched him walk down the corridor and disappear around the corner, then inserted my key in the lock.

I closed the door and for a brief moment, I rested my head against the wall. The lights were off in the sitting room, but the barely muffled noises coming from the bedroom told me that Jordan was already at work. I shuddered.

I took a deep breath. My stomach lurched. I ran to the bathroom, flipped up the lid of the toilet and spewed into the bowl.

I sat on the floor and wept.

-

I was pleasantly surprised by Jordan's boat. I'd been expecting a leaking rust bucket, but for once his boasting wasn't too overblown. True, it wasn't the newest vessel - it had at least twenty years of use, maybe more, but it was large - 15 metres, just under 50 feet.

I'd been in two minds about going - putting up with Jordan for a whole day would be a challenge, but Ellie had persuaded me. I'd have a chance to spend time with Dave, so he could seduce me properly - we could practise our kissing. And the distractions would help me get Nicolás out of my system.

As soon as we'd boarded, the men had gravitated to the helm, presumably wanting to demonstrate their seamen's credentials. The girls were sent to the foredeck, which ran to the bow. We lay, stretched out in our bikinis, providing the eye candy for the guys above. I'd tried to explore a little, but the forward cabin was secured with a stout padlock and the tiny rear deck was noisy and choked with diesel fumes. Topping up my tan, as the male members of the party leered down at my modest cleavage, was the only option.

We'd turned out of the harbour and headed down the coast, past the island where Nicolás had taken me the previous day. The weather was beginning to turn and clouds were rolling in from the sea. Once we'd reached open water, the waves were pretty choppy. Of course, Jordan insisted on "giving her the beans", making the engine scream like a tortured fox. There was an ominous smell of overheating oil as we jolted across the waves. I'm sure I wasn't the only one feeling queasy.

Jordan's beach was as beautiful as it was inaccessible - a broad strip of dark golden sand, maybe 100 metres long - completely deserted. Behind it, the severe sandstone cliffs rose vertically upwards - there'd be no way down from above. We anchored - quite a way from the shoreline. We'd need to wade ashore - that was OK for the guys, but for a smallish girl like me, it was only my head above water.

My ankle had started to complain again. The previous night's dancing had taken its toll. I watched Ellie, Bethany, Mike and Dave set up the volleyball net and begin to play, while I sat it out by the pile of bags at the base of the cliffs, watching the clouds scudding across the sky. Jordan had gone off somewhere with the other two - his mate Darren and his girlfriend Courtney. They were an odd couple - Darren and Courtney - he'd hardly said a word all morning and she'd spent the boat ride down staring sullenly out to sea. We'd wondered if they'd had an argument.

I watched Dave trying to outdo Mike at volleyball - he was so keen to impress me, it was kinda cute. He wasn't bad looking, I told myself - average height, with dirty blond hair, a little scrawny, but then most teenage boys are. He could be quite amusing in his own way too - once he relaxed a little.

I'd made up my mind - tonight would be the night - no backing down. We'd get dinner together, just the two of us - me and Dave. I'd spotted a nice restaurant down by the harbour. I was going to wear the little black dress that I'd bought especially. I'd let him wine me, dine me, then take me back to his room. Everyone else would be down on the Strip - we'd have the time to ourselves. All I needed was to tell him my plan.

I reached out for my bag - I was going to put it behind my head, so I could lie down and sunbathe - put some colour into my anaemic complexion. But as I lifted the rucksack, one of the straps caught on someone's coat. As I tried to disentangle the two, a wallet fell from the pocket, out onto the sand in front of me. I picked it up - it belonged to one of the guys - but which one? I flipped it open - there was a driving licence in the front card slot. Jordan's face looked up at me. I was about to shut it and put it back, when I caught sight of the name.

'Gavin Andrew Henlow' it read.

I did a double take. I read it again.

'Jordan' was a nickname - so what?

My eyes flicked lower to the date of birth. That didn't look right! I double-checked my maths. He wasn't 21 he was 28, nearly 29! A shiver ran through me. He'd told us he was 21. I knew he'd been lying.

My eyes darted around the beach. No one was paying any attention to me. I pulled out my phone and, using my bag as a cover, I took a photo of the licence, checking to make sure that the image was clear, before restoring it to its rightful place in the wallet.