Miss Americana goes to the First Thanksgiving

Thanks you for indulging my questions, you really went above and beyond. This was a cool what if and the one where she gave birth in the present day was a nice epilogue.

I hope you'll do another Ms. Americana/Brenda story some day.

Question: Will they free Miss Americana if she does not vanish? Answer, Part 7 of 7!

Where was I? Oh, right. So, anyways, they probably crush the neighboring confederacies one by one, very quickly, and bring them into one big alliance. And then, at last, the time will come. The treaty is no great matter - there were incidents constantly that in real life had to be perpetually smoothed over, they just use any of them as an excuse.

Which is all to be said, that… where this leads is that having sent her off into the forest a few years later the Puritans see Miss Americana coming back at them - with a gigantic native army at her back. They have no chance. Since her ethics won’t permit a massacre, Miss Americana probably allows anyone who agrees to play nice to go into the deep interior to resettle - widely separated - but demands all the rest return back across the sea on the next arriving ship. And they won’t be able to refuse.

And then, since the Europeans have no answer to her, they do it to the next colony, and then the next, and the next. She can’t be everywhere, and she won’t live forever, so the colonists do probably get a foothold elsewhere eventually, far away from her ‘home base’. But they’ll still be in a position to present a far more united front than existed historically; basically Tecumseh two hundred years early.

Also, while not the sharpest tool in the shed, Brenda can probably get up to at least a little New England Yankee in King Arthur’s Court thing (which will not exist in her universe since she just made sure New England Yankees won’t either), which should help them out too. Like even just mentioning ‘hey, yo, germ theory is a thing look into it’ is a huge boost for 16 fucking 30.

So, the result is that at least the modern North Eastern United States will remain an independent Native state. But, since it was the one symbol at the head of every army, worn by the strange ‘goddess’ that started it all?

Well… by a very odd quirk of history, it will probably still be flying the same flag.

You know…

Just shaped a little differently.

Okay, I’ll admit… that was a loooong way to go for a little panty joke. If you actually stuck with me for all of that, well, thanks for reading!

Question: Will they free Miss Americana if she does not vanish? Answer, Part 6 of ?

Okay, so, we now have a Native American group in roughly 1630 that: A) knows what is about to happen if they play per historical script, and B) has a warrior queen who is immune to bullets.

So, you can probably guess where this is all headed, but let’s play it out anyways.

Oh, and one item: I am aware that the following gets a little ‘white saviory’. In my meager defense on that point, while I’m going to be focusing on her as she’s the main element of change introduced to the system, ultimately Brenda is not really in charge for any of the following except maybe what happens at specific battles she is present at. At the end of the day she is little more than a very useful weapon system that is being exploited and/or deployed. Anyways…

Now, in my strategic estimation, they probably won’t go apeshit on the Puritans right away. There’s still a peace treaty in place, after all, and besides, securing the flanks first will be important. Besides there’s probably enough inherent mistrust they won’t want to send her up against ‘her’ people right away, better to test her against other native groups first. And she’ll be fine with that because, while the Puritans become too much to handle eventually, that’s a timeframe of decades, so while they can’t afford to waste it they do still have some time.

So as they go to war with their various neighbors - which happened constantly, so there’ll be plenty of opportunities - she’ll be sent out with the war parties as a test. She has no grudge against these people, but, knowing the magnitude of the storm that is about to sweep in from the other side of the Atlantic, she is also aware that disunity is a luxury none of them can afford at this particular point. And she doesn’t have to kill anyone to defeat them or even really hit them, just wade through them and seize their weapons as their attacks bounce off her harmlessly until they give up and beg to swear fealty.

And she’ll definitely do so wearing her bikini FYI; this is actually a real world case of the ‘excuse’ I usually use for why the heroines are wearing so little. If someone kicks your ass while wearing a suit of full-body armor, you might think that if you can get the armor off them you can still win. If a woman kicks your ass while wearing a thong, it’s time to just give up and do what she says. At least then you get to look at her in the thong, which is better than being beat up. Another tip for you ladies out there, I hope you’re taking notes. Again you can thank me later.

I’m distracted for some reason, going to cut this here. Will pick it up again next installment.

Question Will they free Miss Americana if she does not vanish? Answer, Part 5 of ?

Okay, so, to recap at this point Miss Americana has married Massassoit, given birth to twins, and said ‘fuck it, I like these guys better, they’re my people now’. She’s also discovered the hard way that even though they are supposedly her ancestors, she is effectively even more of an alien being among the Puritans than she is among the natives. So what then?

Well, once its clear she’s fully on-board this ‘being a Wampanoag’ thing - and as mentioned in the answer to an earlier question, frequently sucking Massassoit’s dick is going to be both something she’s going to want to do anyways (especially once she’s far enough along that actual sex gets too awkward and dangerous) and is also something that is practically designed to win a man’s trust very very quickly. Uh, just a pointer to you ladies out there, in case you, you know… needed it. You can thank me later!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, once she’s clearly ‘on their side’ at some point somebody’s going to give her her belt back to her. Also, probably her bikini, since they would have taken that too - since it was on her at the time of her presentation it is clearly part of the ‘gift’.

Now, of course, Miss Americana knows how real history goes. At some point, during pillow talk - certainly by the time she 'converts' but possibly even before if she’s careless - she’s going to spill the beans on that whole ‘your sacred spaces all become parking lots, sorry’ thing that’s coming on down the ol’ turnpike. At this point everyone is going to go, "well, sorry, Massassoit, we know you were trying your best with that ‘being nice to the white people’ plan but now we all know where that leads, so… uh, how about we try something else?"

As far as I know, the historical Wampanoag didn’t use women warriors, at least not on offensive raids. But when they find out what they have on their hands - i.e. that she’s literally bulletproof and has the strength of twenty men - I think they’ll make an exception.

You may now have an inkling where this is all headed. We’ll get there, next time.

Question: Will they free Miss Americana if she does not vanish? Answer Part 4 of ? What happens then?

Okay, so, first off: since she was ovulating, she’s got about two weeks before she realizes her period is late. Planned Parenthood won’t exist for roughly 300 years, so she knows she’s keeping it (she won’t know it's twins yet, obviously). She has no clue who the father is but the desire of pretty much everyone involved is going to be to declare that of course it’s obviously Massassoit’s so they’ll probably settle on that. She’s his wife so it’s a legitimate (multiple) birth, so she’s now mother to two of his sons.

Meanwhile, the Wampanoag have several cultural features she’ll probably quite like, actually: compared to contemporary European cultures it's relatively egalitarian, though in part out of economic necessity (women were the primary crop-growers and therefore provided the majority of the calories, so they had significant economic leverage). It’s a matriarchal and matrilineal society; Massassoit was theoretically elected by a council of exclusively female elders (though in practice it does seem the position was frequently hereditary; in real life when he died his son took over - and promptly declared a war that sorely tested a much larger Massachusets Bay Colony that had over a thousand trained militia ready, forcing it to abandon significant tracts of settlement; which is how we know if that had happened fifty years earlier the Pilgrims would have lasted about as long as a toddler trying to fight the Hulk). Anyways, by contrast contemporary European cultures are, by her standards, ludicrously patriarchal, so escaping probably isn’t that attractive a prospect anyways. She certainly doesn’t have much personal fondness for the Puritans at this point. Since Tisquantum isn’t going to be around much, having other duties, and dies of sickness shortly in any case, Massassoit is also going to be one of the few people she can actually talk to. She’s his wife so they’re going to be boning regularly, at least up until the last trimester or so, and he’s a bronzed god with a big dick she clearly gets off on being fucked by.

This is all a way of saying, in my opinion? Within a few months, at the birth of the twins at the latest, she falls in love with Massassoit, begins to actively assimilate, and basically joins up. This is actually not at all unrealistic: pretty much all the North Eastern North American native cultures practiced very ready cultural assimilation, absorbing members of other groups quite freely. Quite a few white people joined up with the natives and many when 'rescued' didn't want to leave. This phenomenon gave rise to a pretty racist genre of sensationalist literature (the 'captivity narrative') but it's still a well documented fact.

(Note this level of assimilationism is probably partially because the natives were all living in the midst of what was basically a Mad Max post-apocalypse where any surviving people were very precious, but regardless of the cause it was still generally true.)

What happens after that? Well… more thoughts on that next time. It goes places, to say the least.