All Comments on 'Miss Used'

I'm waiting and watching for more -- and hoping there's more. Pretty please!

I like your style very much. We get to really know your main character with the information given in bits and pieces and not in an info-dump. We know what she thinks and how she feels and, IMO, this is an example of a well done first-person story. The sex is very hot and erotic. Thanks for not giving us her bra size.

You just need to fix your punctuation errors to make this near-perfect. You use commas where there should be periods and it gets jarring. You do this a lot.

Example: "There was(a) stranger in the bar, drawing glances and sideways looks, it seemed like people were afraid to spend too long looking at him in case they drew his attention" There should be a period after "looks".

" I had to stifle an indrawn breath, I was trying not to show how he affected me."

Either put a period after "breath" or make it read, e.g., " I had to stifle an indrawn breath so as not to show how he affected me."

I would remove the "dear reader".

Looking forward to more of your writing!

Thanks for the comments :)

First thing to say is it’s not BDSM. It should be in Erotic Couplings. The second thing is I enjoyed the straightforward way in which the story was told but there were so many things about it which made me struggle to finish it. If it wasn’t for your specific request in AH I doubt if I would have finished it.

Although she does refer to herself as liking to be in control, and at one time handcuffing him, there was nothing to tell us she is a Domme and into BDSM merely she’s a strong willed woman who likes to be the boss where sex is concerned. I was praying for “The Stranger” to be replaced by “he.” It was absolutely pointless calling him “The Stranger” particularly using capital letters. There is also a weird use and misuse of punctuation. Why the need to use brackets? I couldn’t see one example where this was necessary. You’re writing in the first tense so there’s no need to refer to me as “the reader” or refer to me at all.

Apart from the brackets there was the use of hyphens instead of commas, elipses when not necessary, “Hmmm” stuck in as if to fill a space, and others.

You also need consistency. At one point you refer to the bartender as a sweet guy and then a little later as nasty.

I think that’s enough for now. But please don’t let me put you off writing more because I would definitely like to see how things progress. You get bad reviews, I certainly have, but it’s not put me off continuing to write. Someone pointing out what they consider is bad, even if I think they’re wrong, is worth more to me than somebody telling me they thought the story was brilliant, which I appreciate, but not telling me why.

I liked the way you told the story and, if not for what I’ve mentioned, it would have been a 5 instead of a 4.

I'll give you more detailed feedback in the forum, but posting here to say, first off, this is an amazing piece of work you have here. Your characters voice had me from the first paragraph. Great funny analogies, a good air of sleaze and good use of conflicted lust/emotions.

Other reason is to counter Emirus (we know each other a bit, great guy) this is so the right category. You don't need bondage and whips and cuffs and safe words and abusive dickhead men or simpering women to have BDSM...this was a good old fashioned power play came, the top becomes the bottom, but willingly and somewhat to her chagrin. I can't wait for more. Thank you.

I came over to read this after seeing lovecraft68 & electricblue's comments in the Story review thread. I thoroughly enjoyed this. The story itself is captivating, but I'm intrigued by the style you chose to write it. It was, on the one hand, like I was there as the story unfolded — but on another level, it was like reading an old paperback with yellowed and brittle pages — a bit smudged by many the fingers that have turned them. Words like gritty and real come to mind. I'll definitely keep an eye out for the next part.

Too much repetition at the start of the story. I don't need to read the same sentence written three different ways.

Talking to me broke the mood of your story.

It was short, quick, well worded, but you didn't put me in the story. You told me a story. Perhaps that was your intention.

The Stranger should be the Stranger. It's not just grammatically correct, but as a style choice, thinking of someone's first name as The isn't nearly as mysterious as the Stranger.

4/5.

I would give it a 3/5 for all the excess words you used. Drop some of your adverbs, not because that's a RULE. Rules are bullshit. Read some of your sentences without them and those same sentences will fit the tone that you were trying to create, but I'm not going to penalize your score for that. If you keep up the adverb use, I'll stop reading your stories, which is no loss to either of us. That's a personal preference. You stick to your and I'll stick to mine.