Mutually Beneficial Arrangement Ch. 03

Hello Readers! This is part three of three. All three parts are now posted. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 3: Closely Held Business

"I think I made a mistake," I said simply, putting my palms up as though to say no further explanation was needed. Even that little motion made me sink down more deeply into the leather chair that was placed in front of Lily's desk. The desk itself was a massive, hardwood expanse covered in papers and electronics.

Lily sat behind the desk in a chair that sat up much higher, so that she sort of towered over me. She was leaning back casually, not even really looking at me. She shuffled some papers. She turned now to the other person in the room.

"Heather, I will speak with Ms. Gold briefly, despite the fact that she failed to make an appointment," Lily said, waving to the secretary. Heather, a pretty girl in a conservative business skirt and bulky suit coat, nodded once, grabbed some papers, and headed towards the door.

"Let me know when you'd like me to escort her out," Heather said as she passed me, her voice just verging on disgust. I sort of shied away from her. I had nearly had to beg her to get her to allow me into the room, and I was now embarrassed just to look at her. She stepped out the room, closed the door behind her. Now, Lily and were alone. In her massive, corner office on the top (7th) floor of the tallest building in the town where she lived. The national headquarters of Lily's business. It was an ultra-modern office space, with lots of white and black. Big windows with lots of natural light. Only the old-fashioned desk seemed out of place.

"What exactly do you think you are doing here?" Lily asked. Despite the fact that we were now alone, the words came out passionlessly, clipped. She was, in a word, business-like. Which, I guess, was what she would have thought that I wanted. Still, it was somehow more intimidating than if she'd suddenly gotten angry.

"To tell you that I made a mistake," I said again, summoning the courage to speak back to her just as professionally."Just not the mistake you think."

I knew what Lily probably thought that I regretted. The money, mostly, and everything that went with it. She was probably thinking that all my thoughts were turned towards her checkbook. And, I mean, I am not going to lie and pretend that the last three months had been easy. I wasn't getting Lily's $1,000 a week. And it was tougher. A lot tougher. Things had, in a lot of ways, gone back to the way they were before I met Lily.

Well, not quite as bad. I had been terrified when I left Lily that was what it was going to be like. That I was going to be scrambling, again, just to make sure that all of my pennies added up so that all of my expenses wouldn't come crashing down all at once.

But, in a lot of ways, I was a different person than I had been before I had met Lily. Lily had paid the final bill for my schooling. Which meant that I'd gotten my associate's degree. It wasn't much, but it was something. Enough for me to get a promotion at work. Something that paid not great, but enough that a the end of each month, if I was careful, I could do some fun things with my son. But beyond the actual money itself, I just had a better sense of direction in my life. I had strategies and tools for dealing with catastrophe that I didn't have before. Tools that Lily had given me, methods that she had taught me. It wasn't really an easy life, but it wasn't a hard one either. So I didn't regret losing my meal ticket, as such.

It wasn't the sex either. Don't get me wrong, unlike the money, I really, really, really missed the sex. I would often find myself sitting at work, or watching television, and I would find myself day dreaming about Lily. Thinking about all the things we'd done together, all of the things that she had made me feel. I couldn't masturbate without imagining that I was with her, feeling her, tasting her.

I had thought at first that it was just that I was horny. That I just needed to have sex with someone, and get it out of my system. I'd gone on a date with a man. Someone who'd graduated a couple years before me in high school, who was home having graduated from college. He took me out to dinner and a movie. He was nice. He was handsome, I guess. I felt nothing for him. It was so strange, because sitting at home by myself, I couldn't stop thinking about sex. I was insatiable, touching myself like I'd just discovered masturbating. And now here I was with a real, live person and I was cold. I'd tried to force it. I'd insisted that we kiss at the end of the date, hoping that some sort of spark would get lit That I would feel some sort of desire. But it felt like kissing air. I didn't bother with a second date.

I'd thought about trying to date a woman, wondering if I had sort of flipped a switch. But even the thought of it left me cold. I knew that it was just going to be like with the man. I didn't know if I was straight or a lesbian or whatever. I didn't think that it really mattered. Whatever I was, I just wanted Lily.

But I could have lived with that, honestly. I had so many more things to worry about in my life than sex. And I knew that if I waited long enough, these feelings would fade. Or even if they didn't, I knew that I wouldn't be sitting in Lily's office just for that. It would be too humiliating to come crawling back, just for sex.

And yet, here I was. And as nervous and embarrassed as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing. Which was strange in particular, because I couldn't even really remember making the decision to come here. For weeks, a vague idea that I needed to see Lily again had been rolling around in my mind. I didn't know why, just a feeling that I needed to tell her something. But each time I thought about what I would say, the whole idea collapsed. And I went about my life. But that morning, in the shower, the urge had been unbearable. The urge to run to Lily and tell her. And for the first time, I knew what I would say. Or, allowed myself to admit what I needed to say all along.

"Well then what is it?" Lily asked, sort of pulling me back out of my mind. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, and gave me a look like she didn't have time to waste, "If you want your former position back, I don't think that..."

"No!" I said firmly shook my head. Lily looked a little surprised and, I think, disappointed. I knew then that she would have had me back eventually, on some terms. She was just staking out her negotiating position.

"Then, again, why are you here Lissie," she said, with actual annoyance for the first time. I took a deep breath, felt my heart hammering in my chest. It was so hard to talk! Lily raised her eyebrows. I wondered if she was going to call the secretary back in. A clock, somewhere, ticked impossibly loudly.

"I lied to you, that day, when I left you at brunch. When I quit working for you," I said, and my heart slowed. The lump in my throat melted. Whatever happened from here on out, I was going to tell the truth. There was no stopping it from coming out now. And that was, in some way, freeing.

"What do you mean, what did you lie about? About wanting to quit?" Lily said, sounding confused. I shook my head again.

"No. I needed to quit," I said, "I wasn't lying about that. And I wasn't just lying to you. I was lying to myself as well. It took me months to realize it."

"Lissie, you know me pretty well, right?" Lily interrupted.

"Yeah," I said nodding, a bit confused..

"So you know I am extremely busy here at work, and I don't have time to solve little puzzles from my former employees. You told my secretary you had something important to tell me, so tell me," Lily said, and the anger now was real. But still, I wasn't nervous anymore. I was ready.

"I told you that I left because you weren't respecting the deal. Because we had agreed on a strictly business arrangement and you were making things personal. Nothing in this world is more...I guess, personal to me, than my son. And you had crossed over the line by buying him a gift. Doing it without even asking me," I said, thinking back to that morning at brunch, holding the car in my hand.

"I remember," Lily said, her cheeks getting a bit red, embarrassed.

"I thought, when I said that, that I was telling the truth. I was really angry that day, way more angry than I could explain. It didn't make any sense But I felt it. And I guess, I just thought that it was because of the car. Because of our agreement."

"We could have discussed it, I did not intentionally..." Lily started, but I could stop talking.

"But I was wrong. I was lying. To myself and then, as a result, to you. I wasn't angry because you were breaking the contract, I was angry because you were following the contract," I said, and I let out a sighing breath. I needed strength for what was coming next.

"I don't understand," Lily said, her brow furrowed, but she was leaning towards me, her breathing was shallow.

"The night before that brunch, when you gave me the toy. After we," and I dropped my voice, "had sex, you held me in your arms and you told me that you loved me." I saw Lily's eyes flicker slightly in recognition. No matter what she might say, I knew she remembered saying it, "And then that next morning, those two women saw us. They recognized you and they had something to do with your work. And you introduced me as your niece..."

"You'd done the same thing before!" Lily said defensively, "When we first me..." I held up my hand to stop her.

"I know, that's what I mean. You were doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing. Exactly what we had agreed to do. And that just made me furious. I wasn't being fair. But it was the only thing I could do," I said.

"Why?" Lily said, even though she already knew the answer.

"Because I loved you Lily. You cared about me like no one had ever cared about me before. At least I think you did. You have probably already hired someone new, someone prettier and more experience. But I cared about you like I'd never cared about anyone before. I know that for sure. Lily, the only thing I want in this world is to still be with you. But I can't be your whore. I can't hide the way I feel from you. I can't hear you say 'I love you' and know that it is just...something you're saying. Part of the game you're paying me for. It hurts too bad to feel the way I feel for you for you and hear those words, but know I am just your dirty secret.

"I came here today, because I still love you right now. And the last three months without you to talk to, without you to hold me, have been the most miserable three months in my life. Even worse than when I was completely broke. And you deserve to know: You could lose this job and every penny you'd ever had and I'd stay with you forever. If you really wanted it. If you really love me."

I sank down even deeper in to the chair. I felt like all of my bones and organs had turned to sludge and leaked out of my toes. I was utterly and completely drained. I looked up at Lily. She was still sitting with her arms crossed in front of her, leaning forward towards her desk. Her face was stony, impossible to read. I could see her eyes darting slightly. Looking to the door behind me. To the office world and all the things that she cared about. All the things she could lose.

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. We sat for a long time, exactly how long I cannot possibly say. The office was so incredibly quiet. I couldn't hear anything from outside of the room I was sitting in. Just a gentle hum from Lily's computer. I had said everything I had to say. Lily seemed frozen entirely. Only her eyes showed that she was thinking.

"I love you Lily," I said and then pushed myself up out of the deep chair. I wasn't trying to torture Lily. I had something I had to say, and I had said it. Now it was time to go, "goodbye," I said as I finally struggled to my feet. I took one last look at Lily, as beautiful as ever, and turned to head towards the door.

I had known that this was a possibility. Maybe the most likely result. Still, I felt incredibly sad. But also lighter. The air was cleared. Lily was rejecting me, but rejecting me on honest terms. I could live with that. If I had to.

"I love you too, Lissie," Lily said, her voice so quiet that even in the tomb-like atmosphere of her office, I could barely hear her. My heart fluttered. I spun around quickly, Lily was standing behind her desk, looking a bit uneven.

"When I said 'I love you' that night before we broke up, I had meant it. It wasn't just something I was saying in the heat of the moment. It wasn't a game. I felt it. I had felt it for a long time," Lily sighed heavily and ran her hand over her face.

"I know you think that I can...I know that I thought I was sort of in control of...everything. I have always been in control of everything, because I plan well and I follow through with my plans. And thought that if I hired you and treated you like an employee, I could get just the things I needed from you and leave the rest. That I could have sex with you and pay you to go away. But I couldn't control myself around you Lissie. Or I didn't really know what it was that I needed. Because right away, I fell in love with you. Right away. And I hadn't planned that. I haven't...replaced you! I couldn't replace you. I didn't want a girl, I wanted you!" There were tears in Lily's eyse and I knew she was telling the truth.

"And I tried so hard to keep to the deal. Because I needed to do it for," she moved her hand around, as though to indicate her office around you, "And because that is what you said you wanted. Just that night, I don't know, I couldn't help it. I just loved you so much right then...I couldn't let myself hold it in anymore. And I desperately wanted you to say it back. Even though I didn't have a right to expect it..."

"I was scared, I am so sorry..." I said, the words tumbling out, but Lily was still talking.

"And every day since then, I have been hoping you would come back. Every night I went home, and I prayed that you would be sitting in front of my house. Asking to come back to me. I never thought you'd show up here," she smiled nervously.

"Sorry, I just found the words, I had to do it now," I said.

"It's okay," she said, walking about the desk, putting that dark wooden expanse behind us. She stopped right in front of me. "I love you Lissie."

"I love you too," I said and Lily put her hands on my waist, pulled me closer. Her eyes closed and she tilted her head to the side, leaning in towards me. "Wait," I said. Lily froze.

"What?" she asked, nervous. Like I was going to run out of the room, like she'd lose me again. And her concern made me love her more.

"What about?" I asked, and I turned my head to the side, looking at the door. It was closed. But it didn't even have a lock. I could remember Lily telling me once that she prided herself on her 'open door' policy that allowed anyone from inside the company to come into her office. She had to tell her secretary specifically not to let people in. "Should we leave?" I asked. I pictured myself back at Lily's house, laying in her bed. Happy, hidden, and secure.

Lily looked at the door for a long time. Her lips were pursed and her eyebrows furrowed. Finally she turned back to me. She shrugged slightly and then smiled at me.

"For years, I have let all of those people out there dictate to me the ways in which I lived my life. I mean, not that they ever said anything to me. But I let the pressure of their expectations pushed their way into my private life. And they don't have any right to that. I have a right to a private life that is just mine. And I was wrong to let them.

"I am not going to march out there into the office, holding your hand, to tell everyone that we are in love," she said, and even the idea of making some sot of big scene made my skin crawl, "Not because I am scared of what they think. But because it isn't any of their business. From now on, I am going to live my life the way that I want. I am not going to hide it, but I am also not going to explain it. I want to be with you. If people see it, they see it. If they don't, they don't. And any consequences that follow, I will figure out the right response," she said.

"We will figure out a response," I said, turning back to Lily, forgetting about the door and everything on the other side of it. Lily turned back to me as well. Her face moved towards me. I closed my eyes. And then I felt Lily's lips press gently into mine. I moaned. I had kissed those lips a thousand times. But I felt like a desert desperate for the rainy season. The first drops fell and I soaked them up, ravenous for it. My mouth opened, and Lily's tongue poured into me. I sucked on her tongue, tasting her sweet spit. My body trembled and I leaned into her. Lily kissed me back, her tongue pressing into, rolling across my teeth. Tasting me as well. After a few minutes, she pulled back, and I moaned, not wanting to lose her lips ever again.

"This is a bad idea," she laughed at me, "But I don't want to wait any longer. I've missed you so much," she groaned. I bit my lip. I was so relieved she'd said that. Now that she kissed me, I couldn't imagine waiting until we got to her house.

"Just fuck me, Lily," I said mischievously.

"We are bad influences on one another," Lily laughed, "I was thinking the same thing."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," I said.

"Me neither," she said. Once again, our mouths found one another. My mouth opened, and Lily's already was. Our tongues pressed together and I was again tasting her familiar flavor. We kissed each other with total abandon, our mouths seeking out more and more to lick and to taste, almost like we were afraid we'd be split up again.

But we weren't entirely focused on our mouths. As we kissed, our hands moved rapidly and fumblingly over one another's bodies, pulling at our clothes. Lily was wearing a white, short-sleeved blouse and a long, gray pencil skirt. Underneath a matching bra and pantie set. Topping it off was a pair of black flats. I was wearing a gray sweater dress with long sleeves that came down to my mid thigh. I and on knee high black boots that went with it. Like Lily, I was wearing comfortable underwear beneath.

I guess I don't know why I even bother to describe the clothes we were wearing. We both moved as quickly as we possibly could to tear our clothes from one another. We broke our kisses only long enough to pull off clothes or slip off shoes. In a matter of moments, Lily and I were both standing naked in her office.

"Is it just me, or is it more exciting, know that someone could walk in at any second?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. I turned for a second and, again, looked at the door. I returned my gaze to Lily's beautiful body, smiling sheepishly.

"We really are perfect for one another," I said, by way of confirmation. Lily laughed and took my hand. She yanked me down, hard, and I gave a little yelp of surprise. But I followed her lead and in a moment, I was laying on my back on the floor. The thin, commercial carpet scratched against my back, but I liked the sensation. Lily was on her knees now, between my spread legs. Her hands ran up and down my calves gently. She looked at me hungrily, and began to lean down, between my legs.

"No, wait!" I said and Lily froze, "I want that. But I don't want to wait to taste you too, I miss having you on my tongue. Come sit on my face!" I groaned. Lily smiled broadly and nodded.

"If you insist," she said playfully.

"I absolutely do, I will walk out of here stark naked if I don't get what want," I said, as Lily began to rise up. She walked around me and then stood with her feet on either side of my head. I looked up at her body towering over me: her long legs, her sweet shaved pussy, the undersides of her breasts, and her beautiful face. My mouth watered for all of her.