My Destiny

The pain in her eyes was... very telling.

"No. I just said I feel bad, so she would leave me alone. I don't have a stomach problem, Tara."

She made one step toward me. Then another. And the last one. We were now almost touching.

I just had to do it again. I lowered myself and kissed her, our tongues from the first second dancing and fighting with each other. Some sound in the living room made us jump back, but we still looked at each other.

"I won't sleep with her ever again, Tara."

I really don't know why I told her that. It was meaningless anyway, but somehow I knew it was important for her.

"You gave me something today, something of value, I can't do much more to thank you for that and appreciate it as much as I should, but... I can show my respect for you by not fucking the girl I never even loved... under your roof," I said in a firm tone.

"Thank you... it means... a lot," she muttered, averting her gaze.

"Hey... I cheated, It was bad enough. But I don't want to be a jerk to you. I will always... cherish what you... gave me."

Saying this, I felt sudden pain in my chest, I don't know why.

It was stupid anyway, so I squashed it brutally.

But I didn't want her to see my face, on which the inner turmoil could probably be seen, and I didn't want to mess with her feelings like that.

So, I took the mint tea and went out of the room.

The rest of the evening I was very convincing in my suffering. I was catching Tara's gazes, and she was blushing a bit.

She seemed... weirdly touched by what I was doing. She... obviously appreciated that I was keeping my promise. Maya was in a bad mood, seeing me with a third cup of mint tea and around 11:00 PM I said I'm going to bed to sleep through some discomfort.

I took shower and went to one of the beds Tara designated for us. When Maya came I pretended to sleep and even when she touched me, I just murmured something incoherently and continued my shtick.

Soon Maya was asleep on her bed, and I tried to sleep also, but just couldn't. I was writhing in my bed, my head full of crazy thoughts. After midnight I stood up and went closer to her bed to check if she was sleeping. She was snoring quietly, which was a good sign.

So I sneaked out of the room and tiptoeing, went to Tara's door. I pressed the handle and the door opened up.

Tara sat on the bed just at the same moment.

The room was filled with dim light from the nightstand lamp.

Tara looked beautiful. Hair falling on her shoulders, white, satin nightgown with lace straps. Her nipples' outlines were clearly seen.

I closed the door behind me and turned the lock.

She stared at me with big eyes...

I almost ran toward the bed. We didn't speak. Couple minutes later I was already deep in her body, swaying there gently and kissing her lips.

We just made love for the next two hours.

I went back to my room exhausted but happy.

And I probably shouldn't let myself feel that.

The rest of the weekend looked pretty much the same. During the day, we had to be careful. We just watched TV and played video games. We played chess also and went for a walk.

At night I come up with a new excuse not to sleep with Maya. We found some bourbon bottle Maya's father had stashed and we... drank it. I only pretended I was drinking, as I hated bourbon, but in reality I just literally was pouring it out discreetly.

Tara knew it. Maya didn't. So I could play pretty hammered in a believable way. And I went to sleep at the same time as last night.

And the situation repeated. As soon as Maya fell asleep, I went to Tara's room...

She was waiting for me, already gloriously naked...

But the next day I was even more stressed as Maya behaved in a very... seductive way in front of Tara, trying to sit on my lap and trying to kiss me.

And I just couldn't stand her touch. Above her arm, I was glancing toward Tara, missing her taste, needing her touch.

Her eyes told me everything, she was sad as it was our last night. Soon Tara's parents were back and Maya and I were about to leave.

I got so anxious when the hour of our departure was getting closer and closer. I desperately wanted at least a couple of minutes of Tara time.

The opportunity came when some friend of Maya called her. I looked at Tara meaningfully and went upstairs.

I waited for a moment, and soon Tara followed me, careful, looking back, checking if Maya wasn't following.

When she was on the top of the stairs I grabbed her and pressed her to the wall, kissing passionately.

"Is this the last time, Tara? The last time I ever tasted your lips?" I whispered into her neck.

Did she... shivered, or maybe even sobbed?

"Last time... let me slide inside you... even for a second..." I mumbled kissing her jawline. "I need to be close to you, even for the shortest moment... Feel your warmth..."

"Okay..." she whispered, turned around and pulled up her dress. My hands squeezed her plump ass, I knew I wanted more. So I spit on my hand and wetted my dick and her entrance. I pressed with my dick's head into her tightness. She gasped when I slid in.

We were just standing like that, I was pressed to her from behind, and her cheek was pressing against the wall. We were both panting quietly.

I was savoring the moment of being joined with her.

I kissed her neck creating a line of gentle pecks... My hips started to move instinctively, at the beginning very slowly and gently... I was literally absorbing her, her scent, so familiar already, her softness, her hotness... "Tara, Tara..." I was mumbling, moving deep inside her...

"What are you doing?!"

That voice behind us pierced through my brain like a spear.

I still had some remaining reason. I quickly pulled down her dress, making sure Maya couldn't see Tara's stiff dick. I promised her to keep it a secret.

"What the fuck, Ridley?! Are you fucking her behind my back?!"

Maya's voice was sharp and loud.

I turned around and saw her face, full of hate and... rightful anger. She was standing on the top of the stairs.

I had nothing to say. Well, what could I say anyway? In such situations, caught in flagrante, there was hardly anything to say.

I stared at Maya. She was red and her eyes were narrowed.

"That's why you didn't want to sleep with me... right?" she asked in a slow, weird tone.

I didn't answer. Tara turned around also, pressing a bit on her lower abdomen. She was pretty pale.

"You bitch. And I helped you so much... how could you?"

Tara also couldn't find words. I could see she felt the same guilt as I felt.

"Great. Just great. You cheated on me with the most ugly girl in our class. You really found a way to humiliate me, you bastard."

"She is not ugly. She is beautiful," I said quietly, avoiding her gaze.

"You didn't seem to think that when she came to our class," she said bitterly.

I felt a sudden jolt of anger. She wanted to make Tara feel worthless, hurt her...

And I couldn'tlet this happen.

Even at the price of making myself into a cruel, uncaring cheating motherfucker.

"Well, I had to persuade you somehow that I'm not interested in her. If I said I liked her from the first moment she went inside that class, and the thrill I felt as our eyes met... well... It would change the situation... for the next year, I couldn't tear my eyes from her. You made it so much easier for me, by keeping Tara around."

"You son of the bitch..."

She was right about me. I felt like a garbage human being, but what could I do now? Protect Tara or be fair to Maya?

"Maya..." Tara interrupted her. "You and I both know the truth. I promised, I swore I won't tell your secret. But you are... making me second guess should I keep that... in this situation."

"What secret?" I asked, raising my brows.

"About Josh," Tara said with narrowed eyes.

"What about it? I ended it, dammit!" Maya almost screamed, clenching her fist.

"Yep. Month ago..." Tara murmured, looking aside.

"Josh? Like your... ex-boyfriend?" I needed to know.

The silence was all-telling.

"Did you fuck with him behind my back?" I couldn't believe it.

I didn't see it coming!

Maya cursed. "Dammit, Tara! You promised me..."

And then she directed her gaze toward me.

"The truth is, we never should be together, Ridley, anyway. It was one big fucking mistake," she said, pressing her lips tight.

We stared at each other for a while and I slowly nodded.

"Okay. I agree. I... I need to go," I mumbled and ran down the stairs, passing Maya by.

I ran away from Tara's house.

Fuck, my life... I was so fucking stupid!

WHY didn't I ask Tara out the first day I met her?! Why did I continue this... charade with Maya for so long! Why did I fight so hard with destiny?

I wasted one year I could be with Tara, HAPPY!

I hated it. I hated my own stupidity so much.

I was also devastated, I couldn't believe how all this got out of control.

Tomorrow was graduation day... The day I was about to see Tara for the last time...

***

I suspected the whole school already knew, and I saw their smirks and gazes full of contempt. They all loved Maya, she was a "popular girl" after all.

I had an impression there was not a single person who would look at me with any kind of understanding, but that was probably...paranoia.

Most of them didn't care that much, and we all knew it was all coming to an end anyway.

My parents also came, as we already had a car filled with my luggage. I was about to leave for my uncle's town, only minutes after the graduation ceremony was over.

I saw Tara's parents, and Maya's parents from afar, but I managed to keep my distance.

Me, Tara and Maya were... unluckily the best students in our grade so we received different distinctions and awards for our accomplishments.

I caught Tara's gaze... once or twice. Sad, and kind of... not present, dejected. I felt weird.

As soon as it was all over, my parents and I walked toward the parking lot.

Looking intensely around, I noticed Tara walking away with her parents, at the other end of the parking lot.

I felt this odd pain in my heart again.

Fuck, I swore and suddenly had to do this.

I ran toward her, ignoring my mother's call that we have to go to the car...

"Tara!" I screamed.

Some students and parents turned their heads toward me, but I didn't care.

"TARA!" I yelled even louder, and managed to catch up with them. They all stopped and faced me.

Her parents stared at me with big eyes. Uneasy and surprised.

Tara was pale.

"Tara..." I whispered, catching my breath.

"Son, I think you should go..." her father said in a stiff voice. "Your parents are calling you..." He pointed toward the other corner of the parking lot.

"I'm sorry... I need to tell Tara one thing."

"What's that?" her mother asked with a hint of aggression in her voice.

"Tara... I should... I wish I did ask you out on this first day! It should be you, for this whole year! I wasted the one year we could be together... I was stupid, I regret it so much... Tara...I...I..."

My father grabbed me by my arm.

"Ridley! What's going on with you? Calm yourself down. We need to go, soon the traffic will be even greater, come on..." he said, pulling me behind him with quite a force.

"Tara!!!" I yelled again, and then suddenly she jumped toward me, wrapped her arms around my neck, and pressed her lips to my lips... for the last time.

After that, her parents grabbed her arms and my father pulled me toward him.

We all... separated.

As I was walking by my father's side, I was constantly glancing back, and Tara did the same...

As soon as we got inside the car... I realized the worst...

I didn't have Tara's phone number... And she didn't use social media...she hated it.

I had no idea how to contact her...

***

The next month of summer break I spent in a kind of weird haze, hardly enjoying beach time and the company of my uncle's family, my cousins and their friends. I wasn't fully present.

I was filled with regret and anger, desperately trying to get into contact with Tara. I called all my friends, but Tara was only friends with us, and she didn't have close connections with our other classmates.

OBVIOUSLY, I couldn't call Maya!

I even wrote a letter - yes PAPER letter, but doubted that Tara would get it, if her parents were the ones checking the mailbox.

Desperate, I even asked one of my friends to go to her house. He said he visited her house but her father said Tara also left for summer break to see her grandparents in Ireland...

He also was "kind" enough to tell me that he saw Maya and Josh in the city mall walking hand in hand. So, Maya obviously didn't cry too long over our break-up...

As far as Tara - I lost all hope I would ever get in contact with her again, but finally after about three weeks, I got this idea that her old high school had the chess club that was pretty famous in our county. Much bigger and better organized than our local amateurs club.

Maybe... I decided to check their webpage and... bingo! I found some old list of former chess club members and Tara was among them... still... as Tate Murdock...

There was even a small group picture of their club members... There was a red haired boy among them... with much shorter hair, but the same full lips...

I swallowed hard.

Staring at the picture for a long time, feeling deep sadness, I realized I didn't care about her past at all. I didn't mind. It didn't matter. All that mattered was Tara.

I found the contact information of the club owner, one of the teachers, and wrote to him, explaining the situation.

Weirdly enough he responded after a couple of days and said he wrote to Tara and... she agreed for him to share with me her contact info! I received her phone and email address!

So... she wanted me to write to her?

I knew It was stupid.

In one week I was about to start my life on campus, that was opened earlier for the members of programming workshops and I... shouldn't torture myself with re-entering in any form of relation with her... But I just couldn't help it.

So I wrote her a short text message:

"I miss you so much, it hurts. I can't stop thinking about you. Ridley."

The whole day I waited and... finally the answer came.

'I miss you too..."

Nothing more...

But what could I expect?

She was about to start her new life, exactly like me. New friends, maybe a new boyfriend.

I shouldn't bother her...I was just a part of her fading past.

So, I didn't write anything after that.

But I would be lying if I told you I wouldn't shed a tear or two, staring at the screen with her words...

One week later, I was back at my home in time to pack my things before going to college.

Being there, just one day before our leave my mother mentioned to me, almost a bit... nonchalantly, that she saw Tara a couple of days before strolling with her parents in the city mall.

I froze, and five minutes later was already running toward Tara's house.

I didn't know she was back from Ireland!

I knocked on the door to her house and... her mother opened it up.

She bore her eyes in my face, with the same anger I saw in the parking lot...

Wow, she didn't seem to like me for some reason. Probably... a good reason.

"Did... Is... Tara home?" I asked, swallowing hard, trying to look like a lost, innocent puppy.

Her face went cold and official.

"No. Tara already left for college."

I was stunned. So, she also took some extra courses before her college classes would start?

I felt disappointed... Such... enormous disappointment, I could feel my lips start trembling...

"Oh... I'm sorry..."

And I ran away. I was stupid.

And I was in fucking love... That much was obvious at that point.

Being at home again, I wrote her a message:

"I was at your house, hoping you would be there. But you weren't. I so want to see you once more..."

She... didn't answer.

I tried again. "Tara, please tell me the name of the college you will attend. I would like to try to get a transfer there..."

But there was no answer.

She has probably already moved on.

And I wasn't even surprised. Why shouldn't she? She wasn't a masochist, like me.

Depressed and dejected I started to pack my things, as I was also leaving tomorrow, to be in time for the workshop to start.

It was hard.

The realization...it was really over for us.

Really... over.

***

Campus was bigger than I imagined and more scary. I felt lonely there, and because my parents managed to get me a single occupancy room... in a way, I felt even more alone there.

I came there only one day before the workshop to unpack and rest a bit, after the long journey from my home state.

The next morning workshop started at ten AM, and I went there, but without much of a good mood or enthusiasm.

As I was walking there, I noticed a group of students already waiting before the labroom. It was a pretty large group and some of them were already getting to know each other, talking in small groups.

I stared at them rather impassively, my eyes roaming over them... I spotted even some red hair and cursed under my breath. Some girl here also had rusty curls, like Tara... What bad luck, I would probably be comparing her to Tara in my mind all the time...

I narrowed my eyes.

The girl was pretty tall. And pretty... round. I swallowed hard. So many similarities.

I went even closer. The red haired girl in question was standing with her back to me, speaking with some other girl.

I could see her round, plum buttocks, packed in white jeans. Her slightly curly hair was reaching her shoulder blades... maybe even a bit beyond.

I got closer... and closer... going so slowly, as if I were afraid, I would be woken from my dream.

Sweet dream... in which I saw Tara on my own campus!

I stood just behind her and... then I felt her subtle perfume scent...I knew it so well!

"Tara..." I whispered almost breathlessly. Some girl with whom she was talking, made a gesture toward me and the red haired girl turned around.

It was Tara. Real Tara!

Un-fucking-beliveable!

But I couldn't trust my own eyes. I needed to be certain.

I cleared my throat.

"Tara...?"

"Hello, Ridley." She smiled shyly.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered even more quietly. It still wasn't real.

"I... go here."

I cleared my throat again.

"Computer science major?"

"Yep. I managed to make some small miracle and... got transferred to this college."

I was gaping at her. I couldn't believe it.

"Is it a dream, from which I'm gonna be awakened? Or a cruel joke?"

"No, Ridley. I told you...I would do anything to be in the same college with a person... I care for..."

I made probably the most high-pitched sound I ever did in my life. I grabbed her waist and I raised her in the air... well... with the help of my whole body... as she was pretty heavy.

And I swirled around with her in my arms!

She giggled and people around us started to look at us like we were some weirdos. But some of them were smiling.

I let her stand down again, and...immediately I got on my knees.

"Will you be my girlfriend, Tara Murdock?"

She giggled cheerfully.

"I will Ridley! You bet I will!"

And we kissed like crazy people, not caring if all the students were around, some of them were clapping and cheering for us, even though they didn't know us at all.

This year was going to be good!

Tara and I were finally together...

EPILOGUE

FIVE YEARS LATER

I left work earlier today, hurrying up a bit. I needed to be home half an hour before I promised her I would be there.

And I managed to be there exactly half an hour and two minutes before the time.

I sneaked inside our flat and found her standing in front of the bedroom mirror, putting her white lace bra on.