My Dilemma - Redux

"I thought we might get a room somewhere tonight. I don't feel like driving the four hours home after five days in the saddle." I explained.

"Great idea, I feel like a long soak in a hot bath." Jane agreed.

We got a room at a motel after making sure it had a bath. We both cleaned ourselves up then went for walk. We went down to the lake and sat on a bench watching a few fishermen pit their skills against the trout. We made small talk before I screwed up the courage to say what was on my mind.

"Jane, um, I've been thinking a lot over the last few days and last night something Jemma said really struck me." I stopped, trying to find the right way to say it. "We've tried but it's just not working ... I think that maybe we should consider separating."

Jane didn't say anything. Her hands gripped the edge of the seat and she stared at the ground beneath her feet.

"What did Jemma say?"

"That the longer we stay together the more we are going to hate each other."

"I don't hate you," she said quietly. "I hate myself."

I put my arm around her and we sat in silence for a while.

"So how will this work? Are you kicking me out? What about the children?" Her voice cracked and I could tell she was crying.

"No, no. I don't know how it will work. I thought I'd ring Brett tomorrow and get him to put the farm up for sale."

"No! No, you can't! After all your work, you love that farm. You love it more than..."

"You?" I finished her sentence for her. "That was part of the problem." More silence then I continued. "We have to do something Jane. We are just treading water but eventually we will drown. If we sell the farm we can move on, you can buy a house in town. It will be closer to work for you and school for the kids."

"But what will you do?" She asked between sniffles.

"I don't know, get a farm hands job I suppose. They usually come with a house or some sort of accommodation."

We sat quietly again digesting the ramifications.

"What do you think?" I asked suddenly scared. I'd jumped off the proverbial cliff and I had no idea what sort of landing I was in for. All I knew was I couldn't climb back up.

"Fuck Mike, I don't know. You drop this on me without warning. I need time to think about it."

"So you haven't considered this option before?"

Jane didn't reply which I took as an admission that she had.

Her shoulders started to shake so I pulled her closer.

"We've got time, I don't know how long it will take to sell the place. Jim, next door has had his farm on the market for two years. Come on let's head back and get some dinner."

We walked back strangely closer than when we walked down to the lake. I had my arm around her shoulder and hers was around my waist. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me, I hoped Jane felt the same. We didn't broach the subject of separation during dinner, studiously avoiding any mention of our personal problems. Afterwards in our room I sat in the armchair while Jane lay on the bed watching television. The room was dark except for the flickering light emanating from the screen.

During an ad break she turned the sound down and rolled towards me.

"I've been offered another job."

"Old Albert trying to steal you away from Janice again?" I said with a smile.

Albert and Janice owned the two real estate businesses in Young. Albert had tried to poach Jane twice before but she had stayed with Janice.

"No, it's not in Young. It's in Orange."

"Oh," was all I could manage at first. "When did this happen?"

"Last Wednesday, the lady that owns the LJ Hooker franchise there was in our office helping Janice get her head around the new computer program we got. She asked me if I was interested in moving to Orange to join her."

"What did you say?" My mouth was dry, maybe I didn't have much time.

"I didn't get a chance to say anything," she rolled onto her back. "Janice jumped in a told her she had no chance. That I was married to a local farmer."

I looked at my hands and saw the knuckles whiten as I gripped the arms of the chair. I'd started us along this track, now I was worried I wasn't in the driver's seat anymore. I tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling wishing it would collapse on top of me and put me out of this misery. I heard a squeak as Jane got off the bed. From the rustle that followed I could tell she was taking off her clothes. I kept looking at the ceiling until she called my name softly.

"Mike. Mike?"

I looked at her as she stood naked beside the bed. The light from the TV played across body. She reached out her hand towards me.

"Come on, it's time."

I stood and disrobed before stepping towards her. She pulled back the covers and got in and I followed. She flicked off the television and discarded the remote before moving on top of me. We made love as tenderly as I can ever remember. Afterwards as we lay together tears stung my eyes as I realized we had just said goodbye.

The next morning before we left for home I rang Brett our stock and station agent to tell him about our decision to sell. I'd forgotten it was sheep sale day at Forbes. Above the din of the animals in the yards around him he said he come over tomorrow evening. At home we didn't tell anyone else about what our plans were. If it took a long time to sell the farm then we had a chance to pick the right moment.

Strangely, having decided to separate, we started getting on better. Jenny picked up on our improved mood and commented the breakaway had done us a lot of good. It was going to break her heart when we told her. That night I was sitting watching television when Jane came in and said goodnight. I turned it off and stood up to follow her but she stopped in the doorway.

"Um, Mike, could you sleep in here tonight? Last night was... difficult, you know?"

I walked up to her and kissed her on the forehead. "I know, I'll get the spare blankets. Good night."

Brett came and I drove him around so he could take some pictures for some advertising. Jane was home when we got back. She had left work early so she could be there to talk to Brett. He wanted to know why we were selling. I told him I was sick of the debt and the seven day a week grind. Then there was the big question.

"How much do you want?"

"I have been thinking about that today. Fifteen hundred an acre would be nice but I'd probably take fourteen." I said watching his face to see his reaction.

"Hallelujah!" He exclaimed, "finally a reasonable vendor."

We all laughed, me with relief, before Brett continued.

"I think that sort of money is definitely achievable. However, I'm sure Jane knows that sometimes it's good to ask for a bit more. Buyers often expect vendors to haggle so if we add some to your figure of fifteen hundred then we will have room to come down. So let's say seventeen hundred.

We both nodded our agreement,

"Finally, what do you want to do with the machinery and your stock? We can have a clearing sale or you can sell the property with them included."

"Umm..." I scratched my face while I thought. "My machinery is old so it's hardly worth having a clearing sale. We could negotiate on the stock but I'd probably put them through the sale yards myself."

"Great, I'll get this written up and put it on the net. Can I use the property name? Or do you want to keep that quiet?"

"We haven't told anyone except you so far." Jane explained.

"Yes, it might be best to keep the name off it. I haven't told my Dad yet and I'd hate for him to hear I was selling up from somebody else."

I saw Brett back to his car. I should have picked up on his excitement, he was buzzing. I'd hoped the sale was going to progress slowly so I could get used to the idea. I got a rude shock when Brett rang back on Thursday and said he wanted to come out Friday to show a prospective buyer around. Still I thought, looking and buying are two very different things.

I was busy spraying some weeds in old crop stubble when Brett arrived so he took the guy around himself. I met them just before they left. He was a young guy, university type, I doubt his hands had ever known a blister or a splinter. He seemed nice enough though and complimented me on the condition of the farm. He walked back to the car but Brett stayed.

Shit Mike, I told him the higher price and he didn't bat an eyelid. I think you might be on a winner here."

With that he turned and followed his client back to the car. My head was spinning, it had only been on the market for three days. I got another rude shock later that night. Jane and I were sitting in the lounge room, the two youngest were in bed and the eldest was doing homework in her room.

"I rang Ashley today, the lady from Orange with the real estate agency." Jane said conversationally.

"Yes," I replied not really paying attention. My mind was occupied with what Brett had said.

"She said the job offer was still on the table but she could only hold it for two weeks."

"That's nice dear," I still wasn't listening.

"Mike, I told her I'd take the job."

"What?"

"I'm taking the job in Orange."

"But why? I mean when? Where are you going to live?"

"Ashley has got a place that we can rent until the farm is sold and I can buy a house."

"But... fuck!" I exclaimed, "What's the fucking rush? We only decided to separate on Monday."

"Yeah Mike we decided to separate, remember? You don't separate by staying together." Jane almost screeched.

"I know, I know. It just you didn't waste any time." I felt like a man struggling in viscous soup of shit.

"The opportunity is too good to pass up Mike." She spoke in a level calm voice again, trying to take the heat out of the debate. "The job's base pay is better, it's in a bigger market with higher prices so my commission will be higher as well. If I'm going to be relying on one income I have to make sure I'm making the most I can."

It all made sense but it didn't help my claustrophobic feeling. My world was collapsing too fast. I'd pushed the button to start this train but now it was overtaking me.

"What about the children?" It was the obvious next question.

"They can stay in school here till the end of term in three weeks. I'll check out the schools in Orange and they can start there next term. There is that independent school there, the one we liked the look of but couldn't afford the boarding fees. Now they can be day students for one third the price."

"When do we tell them?" I asked glumly, not looking forward to that time.

"Tomorrow, we have to because I'm heading to Orange for a couple of days next week to get my bearings. Also if Brett is right about this buyer then you had better tell your parents about selling the farm as well."

I didn't get much sleep that night. I was running the possible conversations with my parents and the children through my mind over and over. We told the children the next morning. We got them all up at eight, on Sunday that wasn't the most popular move, and we had breakfast together. When we explained what we had decided it wasn't pretty. The two girls started crying, Jenny swore at us and stormed off.

My son took it well, he just shrugged and said, "Whatever."

I left Jane with the clean up and went to Young to see my parents. They had only moved to town last year after Jane and I worked out a succession plan. We bought their part of the farm from them on generous terms, for us anyway. They got enough up front to buy a house and a new car and we paid them the equivalent of a lease fee each year which they took off the amount we still owed them.

Dad still came out a couple of times a week to help out. He was the fourth generation of his family that had owned the original farm. I felt a failure not being able to pass it on to a sixth. Mum was in the garden weeding and Dad was on the verandah reading the Sunday paper. They were surprised to see me and mum hustled inside to put the kettle on. I made small talk as we sat around the table but mum could see through me.

"Is everything alright, son?" She asked concern showing on her face, "You look like you haven't slept. Are the children okay?"

"Yes, mum, the kids are fine, well they're a bit upset but their healthy. Jane and I gave them some sad news this morning so... Yeah anyway that's why I'm here." I stopped to compose myself, this was harder than telling the children about the separation.

"Go on dear," my said putting her hand on mine.

"Jane and I are separating, most likely end there will be a divorce so I've put the farm up for sale."

Dad looked down and studied his hands. Mum went white.

"I'm sorry, to you both. I know how much the farm means to you."

"Don't worry about the farm, son," mum scolded, "What's going on with you and Jane?"

"We've been having troubles for over a year now,"

"I know, Jenny told me but she said the other day that you both seemed happy again. What happened son, is there someone else mixed up in this?"

"No mum, we just make each other miserable." I didn't want to burden them with an explanation.

"But surely that will pass. It's just a phase. You two were so good together." Mum was crying now, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

I couldn't handle it I had to get out. "I'm sorry mum, but I've got to get back. We only told the children this morning and I should get back there."

I stood up and walked to the front door, mum stayed at the table. Dad followed me and as I opened the door he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't worry about the farm son. It was going to happen someday. The way farming is going you might be better off out of it anyway." He smiled weakly then turned and headed back to the kitchen.

I drove back out of town, back past the pub where I'd taken off smoking the tires all those years ago. Past the football oval where I'd played, partied and lost my wife. I didn't go straight home, I detoured around the back of the place and drove up the high hill. It gave me a view of the surrounding farmland. I looked over what I had worked so hard for and was now giving up and my heart broke. I stayed there for thirty minutes. My phone buzzed a couple of times but I ignored it.

Then I took a deep breath and put all the shit behind me. If there is one thing you learn being a farmer, it's not to dwell on your disasters. You can't stop hail from falling from the sky, you can't make it rain when it's dry or stop it raining when there's a flood. You just got to get up and keep going and that's what I needed to do now.

At home Jane had calmed down our second daughter but Jenny had locked herself in her bedroom. I went and tapped on the door softly and asked if I could come in. There was a few shuffling sounds from behind the door then the click as the lock was taken off. I opened it and went inside. Her eyes were red and she had pulled a lot of stuff off shelves and out of her cupboard and tossed it around the room. I held out my arms and she came to me, hugging me tightly as a fresh batch of tears broke free. When she had calmed down I sat her on the chair near her desk and I sat on the bed.

"It's going to be alright Jenny, your mum and I are still friends but we just can't live together. We'll still be a family just stretched out a bit."

"Fucking bullshit!"

"Jenny!" I scolded.

"What did the fucking bitch do?"

"Jenny she's your mother!"

"I know she did something, you don't get angry. She gets angry all the time but you don't. For you to take off like you did that night and not come home till the next day it must have been bad."

I looked at the floor, what was I going to say. In my admittedly limited experience mothers and their teenage daughters can have difficult relationships. I could ruin it forever.

"I cheated on her."

Jenny's mouth hung open as the implications of what I'd said sunk in.

"When?"

"When you were young, I was at a conference in Sydney."

It hurt a lot, the look on her face. The pedestal I stood on in her eyes had been smashed to pieces. Now I was just another fucked up adult, which was probably closer to the truth.

"Could you leave me alone please?" At least she didn't swear at me.

I got up and left. Back in the kitchen Jane gave me a puzzled look.

"Give her ten minutes then go in there and give her a hug."

I kept walking outside, climbed into my truck and drove off to find something to do on the farm. Why did I do it? I've asked myself that question quite a few times since that day. In the end the best explanation might best be encapsulated by a quote from an old book.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

If I thought the last week was a runaway carriage on a roller coaster then the next week was worse. Jane went to Orange for two days and came back gushing about the place. Brett rang me on the Tuesday evening and told me it was a done deal. The deposit was being paid on Wednesday and as soon as the contract could be drawn up it would go through. The buyer wanted a quick transfer so they could get a crop in the ground straight away. They didn't want the stock or the machinery so it would have to be sold.

I'd just got my head around the logistics of a clearing sale and orderly marketing of my sheep when Brett rang again on Wednesday. The buyer wanted permission for an agronomist and agricultural adviser to do a detailed inspection on Thursday and Friday. I didn't have a problem with that so I gave my consent. When they arrived I found out why Brett has been so excited the first day he came to see us.

The buyer was a company set up by a Chinese billionaire. He was diversifying his assets and had bought a number of farms across Australia. This area had been identified as a good region to invest but they had had trouble putting together a big enough parcel of land to get the scale they wanted. Due to the reliability of rainfall in this area it tended to be small tightly held farms that were passed down through generations. However when I put my farm on the market Brett knew that the neighbor wanted to sell and he approached the old guy on the other side to see if he would be interested. They hadn't just bought my two thousand acres, they had bought seven.

I took them around and they took pictures and soil samples. They had aerial maps of the farms on a laptop so they were ground proofing the topography and any changes to fence lines as well. It appeared the focus of the operation was going to be cropping. I suggested that some of the ridge country didn't lend itself to continuous cropping and a livestock enterprise might be useful to take full advantage of these areas. The agronomist agreed but the adviser was skeptical.

Late Friday afternoon their four wheel drive pulled up outside the house again. They were supposed to be working on the other farms they'd bought so I was surprised to see them. I invited them up onto the verandah and introduced them to Jane and the children. Jane got us a beer each then went back inside. We sat down in the shade as the sun sunk low in the sky.

"What's your plan after the sale?" The adviser asked.

"Umm, this is going to sound ridiculous but umm I haven't really thought about that. I didn't expect things to progress so quickly." I replied truthfully.

"Not going to put your feet up on the coast somewhere?" The agronomist asked jovially.

I was getting a sense of what this visit was about.

"No, I'll be working for a while yet. By the time I pay back the bank and my parents and buy another house somewhere there won't be enough to retire on."

"Would you be interested in staying on here? That would save moving the family and buying another house." The consultant looked hopeful.

I didn't want to appear too eager or let them know about my families plans.

"In what capacity?"

"We are already in negotiations with a manager but we'd like you to be his leading hand. Your local knowledge would prove invaluable."