All Comments on 'My Favorite Girl Pt. 04'

Absolutely excellent, one of the very best stories I have ever read and I hope it doesnt end here. I am interested to know how the conversation went with Ronnie and if they plan to get married and make babies. I know there are many states in the US that permit cousins to marry and it is quite legal in australia too. Thank you for sharing your tale with me.

You were driving me nuts, I just wanted to slap some sense into those two.

And had you done a sad ending, I would have sat you down for a serious conversation. But all is well and I can finally breathe out, it was a very well written story..

Simply a phenomenal story - I can't wait to read the next chapter! 10*

Thank you so much for this story. It was perfect. I loved that it was just the two of them falling in love and discovering their relationship together. Without any unneeded extra people getting involved in their sex life. Truly memorable story. Deserves a much higher rating.

Love it! You could continue this with them getting married. Since you have them living in Florida were it is legal for 1st cousins to marry.

I've enjoyed every chapter. This one in particular was extremely cathartic for me. I needed it more than I knew. Thank you.

great story! definitely not PWP

While I am not as much into golf as you obviously are, the story line was very capturing. You gave all the nuances of the human faults, in both ways, but especially

his. very well written and entertaining. Your descriptions were magnificent, and well tied to the story line, as if you could feel them yourself. Well done, and I hope for more.

I live in Florida and I had a classmate in college who was engaged to his first cousin. He told me that it was not all that uncommon in his conservative Jewish culture. Based on that one conversation, with that one guy, I'm guessing it's legal in this state.

I can’t believe how much I wanted to have their story end in true romance. I am a married 74 y/o man who never was much of a reader but I could not stop reading the story chapter after chapter. Thanks for a truly memorable story.

They could marry in Texas or Florida and save themselves lots of issues. But a great story!

What a great read a story love the story and storyline. Wonderful writing, would love to read more about these two.

Not one of your best works. Again, another fake drama of some cousins-in-love (which is not a big deal for most of the civilized world) hiding like they were siblings-in-love, living in Florida, where 1st-cousins can actually get married and be happy. Not a big deal. But since this is a fantasy, let's pretend this is a parallel world were this law doesn't exist.

Sorry, I don't think I have left a negative comment in this site before, but the reason of it is because you're a good writer with good stories, so I'll try to be as constructive as possible in my criticism. ALERT: SPOILERS AHEAD.

This story dragged for too long circling in the same place where the main story moved too slow over the time (and many pages) it takes place. For example, I know you like to add sex scenes of risky exhibitionism or daring sex in all your stories, but this one took it to the extreme by the quantity and how it was done to the point of ridiculousness. By the end of Part 1, the public sex without being caught became tiring, by Part 2 it was annoying and the story moved not too much because of it. By Part 3 it was too much and I started to skip text –which I hate and never do– but by Part 4 it was facepalming bad with the added bonus of the cheating by everyone. The whole story could easily be reduced by half and still not miss much. Plus, important aspects of the story were never told, but more on that later in my comment...

The main characters, especially Jason, were not very likeable. Starting with him, he was a downright liar. Dory even warned about it early in the story during spring break, but he kept with all the lies until the end. He made all this buzz about his mother, doing everything he could so she won't receive any money left by his father and also trying to keep his promise to him and go and finish school, when in the end he dropped anyway and totally forgetting that his mother would receive a huge amount of money if he did that because of the trust fund left by his father. Then, and this is important, how he treated and talked about his female friends and women in general. This guy shared the naked pictures sent only to him like it was nothing, have sex with them while he was with Emma for over a year but when Emma started doing the same he felt crushed, and he never respected when Emma said 'no' to him. Like somebody else said before me, 'no means NO'. This guy kept finishing inside of her everytime and everyday during spring break, he had money but could not afford condoms or plan-B pills? She never cared if she could get pregnant. And then he got worried when Emma was 'late' 2 months later too late. Jeez. Always got away with all his crap so when he finally got some drama by the end, instead of sad drama it felt like divine justice. Yeah Jason, karma is a bitch.

Emma was a charming young lady and very likeable, but who the hell, as intelligent and beautiful as she was with the history she already had with men, started dating one the worst: a cheating, lying, manipulative and chauvinist bastard for almost a year in a toxic relationship just to make his 'best friend and love of her life' jealous? I mean, c'mon. Make that believable, please. And her father to not say a thing about that after we all know how he was...? Edward at least deserved a beating after all that, the warnings and red lights were already screaming since he was introduced. During that for a moment, I thought he was some type of actor or friend of hers playing the 'boyfriend' because how shaddy he was. At least, Emma should've tried dating some good guy instead, like a teacher in her school or an old friend, somebody better and decent, in case she could not have Jason in the end and fall in love with the other guy. Worst, she knew Edward was cheating on her more than once, was abusive to her and she still stayed with him, instead of asking for help, telling Jason or her family about it, or doing what she did back in school with one of her cheating boyfriends: Left him without a word for good. This wasn't like Emma at all and made her look stupid instead.

Dory was perfect. She was supportive, wise, caring and a nice lady. She noticed from the start the love between Jason and Emma, something that no-one else close to them or even them noticed, if that was possible (more on that next). She had also the experience of falling in love within the family (her uncle, which is much more serious in real life than love between cousins today), so she understood and support them as best as she could and was described perfectly doing that in the story.

Aunt Joy, she was such a wasted opportunity to the point where if you had made Uncle Ronnie a widower, the story wouldn't have changed one bit. A mother always know what's going on with her children, they can tell much more than a father and possible their friends. Somehow this is almost always true for some reason. If we add to this that Emma lived with her parents for 22 years (after the graduation party) and Jason for at least 2-3 years with them, she would have know something was going on between them, the change between them, especially when they were caught by her or learnt something about them: she was right there with them when they moved the bed to the other room when they slept together in the hotel; caught by her when they were spying on Ronnie sleeping on Emma's bed (sadly, the longest scene we got with her in the whole story); her conversation with Dory when Dory mentioned they were a couple when Joy corrected her by saying they were cousins; in the restaurant when both have that bizarre 'accident' and went together to the bathroom; the whole event in the nude beach; how they acted in the gratuation party; Jason and Emma sleeping together in her home; having sex with the door open in the bedroom, in the garage, in the bathroom or in the living room when she passed by them going to the kitchen... I mean, she obviously saw or heard something, she could have been a tide changer in the story and a big surprise, but she was barely mentioned and not playing an important role at all.

Jason's mother, I don't know what to think about her. It's never clear what she was really. Apparently, she was a lovely girl with a big heart who loved his father and got pregnant, but didn't want children, so instead, she left her son and not-husband to help other children in Africa... never really caring about her own son? Okay, I could get that, but somehow this woman who wanted to help kids in Africa was greedy for money, so she returned to her son just to get more money from the not-husband to go back to Africa and help other people's kids. When not-husband died, she got back and found all about the trust fund and got more greedy, and tried to coerce her own son to help her and to sell his house for more money... while at the same time living humbly in Africa and trying to get close to him and be with him, inviting him to Africa so he could see her work over there. And while we have this whole mystery going, Jason suspecting something bad was going to happen, Ronnie too, while Joy and Emma said otherwise, giving us (readers) to finally have a chance to know her better and understand what's going on her mind, and maybe getting son and mother reunited and closer in a good way for both of them, we instead get this few lines telling us about a big fight between them about Jason's house, then with Ronnie and later even with the police to separate them all (WTH?!). And later we know about the civil suit filed by her against her son to get more money... how that happened? we got the extremes, not the in-betweens. Again, Jason's mother was another character misused somehow. She doesn't make sense to begin with, and we never knew why she was like that and what exactly did with all the money. Was she living humbly in Africa and being this bitch for a better good to help people over there? Or was just a woman living in luxury somewhere else? With all the surprises, was she really Jason's mother? Was Jason's father really his father? This character was really messed up, and I always thought she was hiding a big secret that could explain more about her...

Uncle Ronnie, the old principal. The whole drama for hiding and the secret relationship between these cousins would've made more sense if he was the whole reason for that instead of 'what people or society would say'. He was painted as a real 'weirdo', as Emma used to say. He was a creepy over-protective father of an already 21 year-old adult woman, almost a peeping Tom, always spying what Emma and Jason were doing, to the point of him sleeping in Emma's bed one night just to caught them when they arrived that night. He was bordering sick during that spring break and most of the time overral. Always asking non-stop to know what they were doing all-the-time. That was not normal. The banter between Jason and him was funny most of the times (when Jason wasn't lying), but he always appeared out of nowhere to ask direct questions all the time. The way he did it was almost like a police interrogating someone. He was always like that for Jason or Emma, but when she really needed him to be a protective father to check her state or living conditions or when her boyfriends did something bad to her, especially with Edward, he was nowhere to be found. Edward needed a beating and at least Uncle Ronnie should have been the one to give it to him. Otherwise, Ronnie was just a creepy father almost perving on his daughter. When Aunt Joy got furious when she discovered him sleeping on Emma's bed, it felt like probably something more was going on under the –apparently– funny scene. With his particular behaviour, I expected him to be a real menace for both Jason and Emma if they were caught, or for Emma's boyfriends doing something bad to her. But it never happened. And how about 'pinky' in the garage? He noticed someone moved or knocked down some tools there but he never saw 'pinky' and its remote control on the ground in plain sight? With the way he was asking about it you would expect he investigated better the place and found those on the ground and wanted to know to whom belonged, or better, left them there and later spied who would pick them up to caught them in the act, but instead, he never saw any of those? That was unbelievable, to be honest.

Finally, I said before that the story got stuck too much too long on the same situations, too much nonsensical risky sex, if that was possible, while the main story didn't move forward like it should be and dumping on the road other more important situations where they could add more to the story, for example: the travel back and the first goodbye between Jason and Emma at the end of spring break. They became a 'thing' during that, a couple, more than just two friendly and close cousins. That scene was important, how they could have acted in front of Roonie and Joy, did Emma became emotional for the first time? did they shared something else, a hidden kiss? We never knew what happened, except for a short line that said something like 'we dropped Emma at college like she wanted' and that was it, very anti-climatic. Another example was Jason's mom fight. It was reduced to just a few lines and was a wasted opportunity to finally know if Jason really told her what he really thought of her, ask her why she cared so much about other's children leaving him when he was a small child, her reactions about that, her responses, something more meaning that just a couple of lines resuming what happened. That would have been very dramatic to read non-stop, and again, it never happened. Another example was Ronnie's phone talk. Jason was to call him and tell him why Emma was with him, what Edward did to her, how Emma was really doing and all that after he won his tournament after him leaving twice for 'personal reasons'. You would expect an interesting conversation between them, man-to-man about an important woman on both ther lives, and yet, that chapter ended with Jason pressing the send button and next was '6 months later'. That was honestly a let down.

Anyway, just to end this, you're a good writer who can tell great stories. Unfortunately, this one wasn't one them and that's the reason of my (constructive) criticism. It included the tag 'Romance' and 'Love Story' and yet barely had any of that. It was a sex-fest of exhibitionism and public sex with unnecessary drama between these cousins. You would expect they found out at some point they were half-siblings or something and Uncle Ronnie was a real monster and a menace and that was the reason of why it took SO LONG to be honest and declare their love for each other near the end of Part 4, and that was the reason to hide and keep everything secret, but nothing of that happened. You need to tone down that risky sex or at least get them caught by the third time to keep it real, add real drama or a good reason for all the drama going on, and have more responsible characters. They feared getting caught and be exposed, and yet, they kept doing the same shit over and over again, unprotected, and later crying about it for stupid mistakes and bad decisions easily avoided with a good and honest-to-heart conversation.

Also, by now you need to learn the difference between 'then' and 'than' and when to use them. You keep mixing those in your stories, and in this one, you kept using 'then' instead of 'than'. It's distracting when reading.

Wow you know how to write, it not always about sex.

You have me in tears, so down to heart with this story.

Not really sure why they needed to hide anything. In real life most people don’t actually care that cousins get married. It’s something that happens from time to time. They aren’t siblings and it’s completely legal for them to be together with a marriage contract.

The drama of this whole chapter was by far the most poorly written aspect of the story because it didn’t work at all, the characters changed far too much, the hiding of the relationship was completely unnecessary, and the ultra cliched controlling asshole boyfriend who was nothing but a plot device to move the story forward and was forgotten the instant he was no longer needed.

You wrote this story as if they were siblings and not cousins. It would have made sense if they were the former but not the latter. You simply cannot write cousin stories the same way you do sibling ones because the scenario and legality issues are very very different.

Great story telling.

I’ve got a few nitpicks but overall it was an amazing story. Hopefully you won’t make us wait 5 years for the next one.

I loved it.

great job

Anything new coming? Covid-19 is certainly a breeding ground for the imagination.

Great story.

I think it lacks a little sequel that answers and closes some questions.

1. it's clear from the epilogue that the parents never knew about Jason and Emmy's relationship.

2. The legitimization of their relationship. Marriage. In most states and countries, marriages between cousins are legal. The reason for their anxiety is not clear. Unless it's the parents' rejection of Emmy. But I don't think there's a problem there.

3. You can't have a full family without children.

That's where we can start with Emmy's pregnancy.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Fantastic story.

ur billion dialogue tags are driving me nuts some aren't even dialogue tags makes everything unreadable.

there are so many questions left unanswered. Do the parents ever find out? do they get married? do they have kids? since he dropped out did his mom get the money she was supposed to since he wasnt in school anymore? not to mention a few other questions as well. was a decent story but the sex scenes sort of started becoming very redundant and the same thing over and over to the point i just started skimming the story towards the end.

Should wrap sooner

Overall an excellent romance dragged down by repetitive, manufactured conflicts that often petered out. Perhaps it would've been better as more chapters? That might've made it more clear when you were covering similar ground. I similarly don't have a lot of patience for the "protagonist defeats the scene-chewingly obvious villain" trope, much less four times in four chapters of this length.

I would strongly suggest getting an editor, or maybe a second one if you have one already. They would catch things like that, alongside idiosyncratic choices like your noticeably frequent use of "cheered" and "hissed" and similar verbs of action in dialogue.

I wish that this story would continue! It was great. I wonder about the start of a family. If Em's parents find out and support the relationship. If hank still wants to make bets? Great story. Thank you.

I don't even know why first cousin relationships are illegal in the USA. They are perfectly legal virtually everywhere else, including the UK, Australia, NZ... You Yanks are so weird, and as for that 21 years of age drinking rule, pfft. Absolutely bonkers.

I would have liked to see the results of the parents finding out the truth, but this was an excellent story. Thank you!

Great 5*

You love who you love. Perfect ending and a perfect phrase! In fantasy land AND irl!

Fantastic story of friends and loves, no matter the connection! It could still be something to expect further!

Terrific series, 5 stars.

Would have liked to hear Uncle Ronnie and Aunt Joy's take on the whole thing.

One of the nicest story's on here excellent work than you