My Favorite Girl Pt. 04

Finally, she stopped being so defensive about him for a moment. "What do you want me to do then? What should I do?"

"Try leaving him and walking away. You don't deserve this, nobody does. You are ten times better than this idiot you call your boyfriend. I'm sitting here right in front of you and I hardly recognize it's even you right now. Emma, what has he done to you? This is not who you are."

She sighed hard and looked at me. "At some point, we all have to change and let certain things go in a relationship." She was back to being defensive again.

"Have you absolutely lost your mind right now!? Are you saying that just to make me mad? If you are, it's working."

"Fine!" she cried. "What should I do? Should I walk out of here? Should I just leave? Where will I go if I just leave?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "Tell that idiot he's done hurting you. Walk out of here and start over. You can come with me. Come live with me and I'll take care of you. I'll be there for you." I was just about to tell her how I felt but she jumped in now.

"I can't keep doing that anymore either, Jason," she croaked. "I can't keep pretending to be your girlfriend anymore. I'm tired of the rollercoaster of emotions, I'm tired of lying, I'm tired of living two different lives, I'm tired of hiding things. I can't do this anymore."

I jumped at the chance now. "Then let's stop pretending."

"You didn't come here to check on me, did you?" she asked while shaking her head. "You came here to tell me this is over and you are done with me."

"No-no-no," I said quickly. "That's not it at all."

"Then what, Jason?" she scorned. "What did you come here for?"

"I came here to tell you how I feel about you," I started. "I came here to tell you I don't want to pretend anymore. I want us to be real. I want our relationship to be real. I want a real future with you. I want to be with you."

"I don't understand," she said in a much calmer voice. "What do you mean?"

The way she was looking at me as she asked me her question told me that she understood what I was saying, but she didn't believe that I actually meant what I had just said.

I was talking with my hands and being about as serious as I could be right now. "I, want to be with you. No more pretending, no more sneaking around, no more here today and gone tomorrow. No more of this casual relationship bull shit we have been calling this thing between us. I want you to be with me."

She looked at me hard now. I didn't know if it was good or bad at the moment. She finally spoke after a moment of thought. "We agreed that we couldn't be like that. We both agreed we wouldn't get into a serious relationship with each other."

"Who cares about the agreement?" I fired back. "It was supposed to be casual. It kind of is, really kind of isn't. It was supposed to be if we were together for some reason, like the summers or holidays or family gatherings, and we had a need to be filled. You started out by coming to see me then we switched, and I've been coming to see you. We both know this isn't a casual thing anymore."

"So, it evolved and changed and the rules got bent a little," she offered. "The main idea was that we could not be together."

"So, you're willing to break all the other rules but not this one?"

She slowly shrugged as she thought about it now, but she didn't answer.

I was soft and calm as I spoke now so it would get her attention. "Seriously, Emma. I want something more with you than this casual thing. That's why I'm here. I want to stop pretending that this... us... is just this casual thing. It's not for me anymore. I have these deep feelings for you that I've been trying to bury deep down inside of me for the sake of you, and us, and normalcy, but I can't anymore. I can't bury them anymore, I have to get them out and express to you how I truly feel about you."

It hit her hard right then as the weight of the situation became clear to her. She didn't quite know what to say, she was left slack jawed for the moment as the emotions started to well up from down inside of her.

"It's crazy, right?" I asked. "I know it is, but I can't hide this anymore. You are my Emma, my favorite girl, the only girl that I've been with that I've shared a deep and meaningful connection with that makes my soul smile. How many times have I told you that you are my favorite girl?"

"More than I can count," she finally spoke but barely got it out. The tears were starting.

"More than I can count too," I agreed.

"So, this is me," I said before she could speak again. "This is me, not pretending that this relationship is just a casual thing. This is me, confessing to you that I have these feelings for you that I can no longer hide or do I want to hide any longer. I want to confess that I'm in love with you, have been in love with you, want to be with you, and want to fall more in love with you each and every day."

"I-I-I......," she just stuttered now before falling silent.

"I love you, Emma. On this deep and powerful and emotional level that I can't begin to express. You make me feel things that I've never felt before, see things that I didn't know were possible, and express things that I've never been able to do with anybody else. I've tried to hide it, I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to deny it, but I just can't anymore. You make these things possible and I can't be without you anymore."

She was sitting there in silence with tears running down her face at the moment. I was right there with her, minus the tears, filled with emotion as I expressed myself for the first time openly to her. It actually felt good to get it out and let her know how I felt. I took a pause, gathered myself to keep it together before I spoke again.

"I know you have these feelings for me too. I've known it since that first night when we broke down the barrier of us. Why are you denying that right now?"

She sniffled and wiped her nose first before she spoke. "I'm not denying anything." She wiped her eyes then looked at me. "I'm just.... I don't.... we can't. What would people think about us if we were together?"

The one person who knew about us popped into my head right now and gave me the perfect answer to her question.

"Let me ask you one simple question then. How many people actually know who we are and what we actually are and have seen us together?"

"Well," she sniffled and wiped her eyes again. "Just Dory. She's the only person that I can think of that actually knows the truth."

"Has that made a difference in our relationship?" I asked. "Have we not felt great things and experienced great things together without telling everyone that we are related?"

"No," she relented and had to agree with me on that one. "We have had some great times together."

"Why do we have to tell people? Why can't we just live a quiet life together loving each other? I don't need to stand on the tallest mountain and shout to all the people down below that I love my cousin. Why do I need to do that? It's not going to change the feelings I have for you if nobody knows or everybody knows. At the end of the day, if the world turns it's back on us, I'll have you right by my side. What more do I need?"

She looked at me with disbelief now. "I don't know, Jason...... I mean...." She was at a loss for words right now.

"Why are we even having this argument right now?" I continued. "I'm telling you something you've waited two years to hear me tell you. I want to be with you, I want to give you a good life, I want to treat you with respect and dignity and worship the ground you walk on. What more do I need to do right now? Do you honestly want to live like this anymore?"

"Why are you telling me this right now?" she asked as she finally found the right question to ask. "What are you trying to get out of this?"

"You," I said quickly. "I want you. I want us to be together. I want a serious relationship with you. Haven't you been listening to what I've been saying? I came here to tell you how I feel about you, to get you to leave that idiot, Ed, and to come with me so we can plan a life and a future together with each other."

"But, Jason," she sighed hard. "Why now? Why not a year ago or when I first started dating? Why now?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Because I didn't know how to tell you the things I felt. Because I thought these feelings would go away if I denied them long enough. Because I thought I would lose you if I confessed how I felt about you. Because of the agreement. The reasons are dumb, the fact is I can't live my life without you in it, by my side, building a future together."

She sighed long and hard as she processed. I took a moment's pause and regretted what I was going to say next, but I had to say it.

"I also can't be the other guy anymore. I can't keep sneaking around with you. I want you all to myself. I know how you felt when I was doing it to you and it's a pretty terrible feeling. To make it worse, when I come to see you, you just aren't the same person. It's just not the same. As much as it kills me to say what I just said, I have to. I have to say, you need to come with me, or I can't do this anymore. This situation isn't fair to either one of us anymore and we both know that."

"You're giving me an ultimatum now?" she quipped.

"I don't have any other option right now," I said firmly. "I'm all in, going for broke, laying it all out there right now. I'm tired of being in this situation, tired of watching you be with some other guy, tired of wishing I was the guy, tired of thinking about you all the time. I either have to be with you fully, or not at all."

"So now I have to choose you or him?" She was completely shocked I had told her me or him.

"This situation isn't fair to any of us," I quipped. "Not to you, not to me, not even to Ed. You have to split your time and sneak around. I have to keep everything bottled up and pretend I'm fine with things the way they are when I'm not. It's reached a point where something just has to give, something has to change."

She took a deep breath and buried her face into her hands. She was shaking her head as she slowly pulled her hands away from her face and looked at me. She was crying again, breaking down and really looked distressed about the whole situation.

"This is hard," she sniffled. "The both of you have been so hard on me, so emotionally draining since I started dating. You with your coming into town this week and everything is fine, and we are on top of the world and everything is great. Then you're gone for months at a time and I have to shift gears and focus on life without you and I have to pretend everything is fine and be with Edward. Lately you're full of subtle insults and little digs and telling me what I want to hear. And now, now you lay this on me."

"And Edward.... where do I begin with him? He cheats on me, lies to me, yells at me, leaves town more often than even you do. He manipulates my emotions, tells me what I want to hear then does whatever he wants, hides things, takes things...." She was shaking her head again as she trailed off.

"I don't know how much more I can take from either one of you at this point. I'm so emotionally drained and broken down." She was sniffling and wiping her eyes again.

"I can't fix Ed," I said softly. "But, I can fix me. I can do better if you just give me a chance to show you my intentions are genuine. But you have to come with me, or I can't fix anything."

"I don't know, Jay," she sighed in exhaustion. "I just don't know anymore."

I left my chair and got down on my knees in front of her. I placed my hands on her legs and looked at her with my pleading eyes. She looked back at me, emotionally exhausted, teary eyed, worn down, tired, and wondered what I was going to say now.

"This is me, Emma," I begged. "Telling you that I love you, that I want to be with you, that I want a future with you, that I can't see myself connecting with someone as deeply and emotionally as I have with you. I want you to come with me, I want this relationship to grow, I want that feeling I get when I'm with you to never end."

"You are my Emma, my favorite girl, my happiness, my one person I'm supposed to be with, the one that makes my heart and soul warm and fuzzy. I was too dumb to admit it back then, but I felt it. I felt it the moment I kissed you on that railing that night. I knew it was over for me, knew I found the person I was meant to be with. I was just too scared to admit it. But here I am right now, admitting it, telling you how I feel, telling you I want us, not a pretend us, but a real us."

She was crying again as I kept right on going and kept speaking from the heart.

"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you in the past. I'm sorry for the lies I've told you. I'm sorry for the times I've let you down. I'm sorry for telling you things that I should have meant but I didn't fully mean. I'm sorry for every horrible thing I've done to you unknowingly that has led us to this point. I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I'm sorry for not being here sooner, I'm sorry for the emotional rollercoaster I've put you on for the past two years. I'm sorry for everything I've ever screwed up with you."

"I'm the most sorry for creating this situation that you are in right now. Had I been a much better man, not been so foolish, so proud, so disrespectful, not put myself above you, had I said something sooner, had I not put you through what I've put you through, you wouldn't be in this situation. I unknowingly taught you that it was ok to be treated like this, and for that, I am truly sorry. You deserve so much better."

"But I'm here now, begging you for your forgiveness, telling you I'm done with the games, my old ways, and my old life. I'm here telling you the honest truth from the bottom of my heart that I want you and only you in my life and there will be no others but you. I want to make up for my mistakes, work hard to earn your trust again, show you how much you truly mean to me, treat you the way you have dreamed of being treated, and build something that will last a lifetime with you. Take my hand Emma, come with me and leave this situation as just a bad memory. Will you please come with me? Please?"

She sat there with tears streaming down her face as I sat there on my knees in front of her begging. She looked down at me after wiping her eyes then sniffled and looked away again. I knew the answer before it left her mouth by the way she was stalling. My heart was already breaking as she opened her mouth.

"No... I can't," she sobbed.

I hung my head and felt the life draining from me right then. I felt crushed. Like the day I found out my dad died, crushed. I knew coming here that it could go this way, but you never prepare your heart for that. You think about it, but you never can prepare.

"Please, Emma, please!" I had my hands together begging her. "Please come with me. Let me prove to you I mean everything I've just said. Please!"

"I can't," she sobbed still. She buried her face in her hands and cried like I had never heard her cry before. It was a painful, soul crushing cry and it broke me. "I just can't."

I was sobbing now in utter disbelief that she had said no.

"Why? Why? Why can't you?" I asked between gasps for air as I cried uncontrollably.

"It's just...... no... I can't." She could barely speak she was so emotional.

I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide it hurt so badly right now.

"I'm so-so-so sorry, Jason," she sobbed.

It felt like an eternity sitting there on my knees in front of her crying and balling my eyes out before I found the strength to try and stand. I barely stood my legs were shaking so bad right now. I finally looked at her as she sat there balling her eyes out with her face in her hands still. It was horrible to see her like this. My heart broke even more seeing her like this and knowing there was nothing more that I could do right now. I had nothing left to give, nothing left to explain, nothing left to offer. I just overlooked the fact that she needed me long before this day and I wasn't there for her.

"I'm sorry," she said faintly

"Me too," I croaked as I tried to gather myself. "Is there anything I can say right now to change your mind?"

She left the chair and wrapped her arms around me. I felt the pain and the anger inside of me now, but I couldn't help but hug her back. I loved her. I loved her so much that it hurt, and it was so, so damn hard to hold her like this right now. But I did. I just held her and sobbed with her as the tears poured from our eyes. I finally relaxed my grip and looked at her.

"If everything I have ever told you was a lie, please know that my apology wasn't. I meant every word of it and I am truly sorry for hurting you like I have." I was all choked up again as I looked at her.

"I know." She was choking she was crying so hard.

I hugged her tightly again and held her once more. It was a tight, sobbing embrace between the two of us. Everything we had been through, and everything we had shared together, and this was how it was going to end. What would become of us after this? How would we face each other after this?

She let go of me and took a step back. "You should go. I don't think there's anything left to say."

I wiped my face and cleared my eyes a little. "I love you, Emma."

It was just raw emotion on her face as she started sobbing again. It was so heartbreaking to see her like this.

"Bye, Jay," she managed.

"Bye... Em."

I somberly walked away and headed towards the door. I looked back one last time before turning the knob to let myself out. She was crying uncontrollably as she lay there on the floor in a tight ball. It broke me again as I walked out and left her there. I staggered off and headed back to the waiting car. It was over now, the best thing I had ever had, and it was all over. I lost what was probably my one true love, and my best friend all at the same time.

*

I don't even know how I was on the golf course that afternoon. My mind was more than a million miles away from here at the moment. All I could think about was Emma and all the broken promises I had made to her, all the half-truths I had spoken, and all the times I had let her down. I didn't even want to be here right now, but I forced myself to play.

I knew getting off the plane that I had to golf, I had to focus, I had to perform. She made this choice and I had to live with that. I just hoped that she was ok and that she was up off the floor and in her bed resting and not hurting so much. I was out here, no smile, no pep in my step, no fight really. I was just going through the motions and thinking about her.

I was even for the round but still had the lead by one at the moment. Nobody was playing particularly well today for some reason, myself included. Maybe the universe was tilted slightly off its axis because of this morning. Three bogies started my round then three pars, then a few birdies, the rest pars and I was still even. I had just missed a short birdie putt on fourteen and was now walking to fifteen.

I thought back to the fifteenth hole two years ago. I smiled a little as I reached the tee box and stood there to judge the wind and pick a club. A five iron should get me there with the wind flat at the moment. I pulled the club and walked to the box, spiked the ball, and thought about it for a moment while taking a few soft swings to clear my thoughts.

She probably hated me right about now. Telling her all those things that I told her. She probably thought they were just another bunch of halfhearted lines to tell her what she wanted to hear. But they really weren't this time. They were the truth and I meant everything I said.

I turned and looked straight into the camera that was pointed my direction to capture my shot. I made a heart with my hands and held it over my heart for a moment before pointing to the camera. I grabbed my club and focused on what I needed to do right now. I had never acknowledged the camera before, they were no different than the trees and the crowds that lined the course. It was purely for Emma, maybe she was watching, maybe she wasn't. I just wanted to let her know I loved her still and I was still thinking about her.